Talia and I spread a sheet across the grass in the backyard and sit in the suffocating afternoon sunlight. Talia rolls up her sleeves and the legs of her sweatpants so she can get a tan. I work on an essay for summer school. I'm furious with myself for screwing around and missing too many lessons to graduate. My mother is right: I am a failure. I am lazy. I press too hard on my pencil and the lead cracks, leaving a dark slash across my paper.
"Fuck!"
"What?" says Talia.
"Nothing. I just feel like such a failure."
Talia: "You can't fail unless you give up."
"I feel like giving up."
She gives me a little shove. "No you don't."
"Shiloh!" comes a voice across the yard. I squint through the pounding sunlight to see Meredith's outline standing in the doorway. "We have a meeting!"
"Ugh."
Talia gives me a sympathetic look as I heave myself to my feet. The lush, freshly watered grass makes squishing noises under my footsteps, and my socks are soon soaked. I follow Meredith into the cafeteria. "I didn't think we had a meeting today," I say.
Her heels sound like horse's hooves on the linoleum. "Dr. Fox has some news you'll probably like," she says.
"The only news I'll like is the news that I'm getting out of here," I grumble.
"Well, I think you'll be happy, then."
"What?" My heart soars out of my chest. I wring my hands and walk on my tiptoes. "I'm being discharged?"
We reach Dr. Fox's door. Meredith gives a quick knock and enters. It's very dim; heavy curtains obscure the windows. The sunlight is determined to enter, reaching its desperate fingers around the edges of the fabric. Dr. Fox is at his desk, rubbing his temples. "Sorry, guys," he murmurs. "Migraine's sneaking up on me."
"Aw." Meredith gestures for me to sit, then takes her place on her throne in the right-hand corner.
"So I'm getting out?" I ask, practically jumping up and down in my chair.
"I called your mother and told her that you've shown quite a bit of improvement," says Dr. Fox, digging his knuckles into his forehead and wincing. "It was actually Meredith's suggestion that we send you home on a day pass."
"A day pass," I echo, my excitement dwindling. "What's that?"
"Well, when we promote patients to Level Three - which is what we're doing with you today - we send patients home for a day to see how they adjust to life outside the hospital. If all goes well, we'll try for a weekend at home."
"So it'd be like sending me home on a trial basis?"
"That's a good way of looking at it," Meredith says. "When I spoke to your mother about it, she was a little hesitant, but soon warmed up to the idea. I think she misses you, Shiloh."
"Doubt it," I mutter under my breath.
"In any case," the psychiatrist says, withdrawing a giant bottle of Tylenol from his desk drawer, "if you agree, we'd want to send you home on a pass this Friday. Now, there is a bit of an assignment involved--"
I groan.
"--But nothing strenuous; nothing you can't handle. You just have to write a little bit, and gather a few staff signatures. You'll see right here." He hands me a piece of paper, pops some pills in his mouth, and gulps them down with some water.
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Day/Weekend Pass Application
Name: Shiloh Mackenzie
Date: 7-16-2017
Type of Pass: Day pass
Describe the reasons why you should be approved to go on pass: "I have made a lot of progress in treatment. I take my medications and go to groups. I also follow the rules and learn from my mistakes, so I am responsible. When I go outside in the courtyard, the fresh air and sunlight feel therapeutic to me. Plus, I've never tried to climb the walls or dig a tunnel underneath the fence to get out."
What are your plans if you're approved to go on pass? "I plan to spend time with my mom and maybe go out to eat. I will see my cats and maybe have friends over. If I have time, I will paint a little bit."
To be approved to go on pass, you are required to have two tech signatures, two nurse signatures, your social worker's signature, your psychiatrist's signature, and your parent/guardian's signature below. You must follow your pass instructions carefully. If approved for a day pass, you must return to the hospital by 8:00 pm that evening. If approved for a weekend pass, you must return to the hospital by Monday morning at 8:00 am. While on pass, you may not:
Engage in self-destructive behaviors
Cause harm to others
Be unsupervised outside of your home
Get tattoos or piercings
Consume alcohol or drugs
Consume medications other than what your physician has prescribed to you
Engage in any unlawful behavior
If you do any of the above, your parent/guardian will bring you back to the hospital IMMEDIATELY. If they cannot return you to the facility, we will contact law enforcement services to do so. Your hospital privileges will be revoked. You will also be unable to apply for another pass for a period of 30 days. Your discharge date might also be affected.
Patient signature: Shiloh Mackenzie