She had always loved to read. Ever since she was a little girl Taylor had been fascinated by the stories her favorite books told her, she had always found comfort in the familiarity the books she read over and over again provided her.
But now, sitting on the beach outside of her little cottage, for the first time Taylor couldn't get lost in a story. She kept on losing focus. She couldn't pay attention. Not even her favorite book, which she had read more times than she could count, could give her a momentary escape from life.
Taylor suffered from an enormous lack of sleep. Her sleep deprived brain couldn't focus on the all too familiar words written on a page anymore, her thoughts were out of her control she couldn't keep her mind from wandering. And Taylor was getting more and more frustrated with every night she sat outside.
At what point would she finally reach the point where she collapsed and got some desperately needed rest? She knew that she couldn't keep on doing this for much longer. And she didn't want to do this for much longer.
As the sun was beginning to rise, Taylor pushed herself off the ground and slowly made her way back to the bedroom where her girlfriend was currently sleeping. Girlfriend. The word caused a smile to take over Taylor's face. Karlie Kloss really was her girlfriend. No matter how tired or frustrated she was, knowing that she now could call her best friend her girlfriend made Taylor overcome with happiness.
"Where have you been?" Karlie asked her voice full of sleep as Taylor entered the bedroom.
"Oh God you scared the hell out of me," Taylor exclaimed, her heart hammering in her chest. She did not expect the other girl to be awake at such an ungodly hour.
"I'm sorry, baby," Karlie apologized sounding more awake by the minute. Taylor crossed the room and got under the covers, facing Karlie. "You didn't answer my question though," Karlie yawned as she put her arm around Taylor's waist, pulling her closer.
"I was thirsty so I went to drink some water. I'm sorry if I woke you up." Once again Taylor passed up the chance to finally come clean.
"It's okay, let's get some more sleep," Karlie assured the other girl and was back asleep within a few short minutes. Taylor followed her shortly after the exhaustion slowly catching up to her.
Later that morning Karlie woke up before Taylor. As she laid there, her arms wrapped protectively around the slightly smaller girl, Karlie took the time to openly admire her girlfriend. She found it strange how normal it felt to call Taylor her girlfriend. It was the most natural thing in the world to her.
She always used to make fun of Taylor whenever the shorter blonde claimed that some things were simply meant to be. She had always thought the concept was ridiculous. But lying in bed with Taylor, Karlie couldn't help but think they were meant to be. Karlie couldn't wait to tell her family about the amazing girl she was falling for a little more every single minute she spent with her.
But over the last few days Karlie had also noticed some changes in her girlfriend. She noticed the bags under Taylor's eyes; she saw how distant those blue eyes often were. She noticed how forgetful her smart girlfriend had become. She noticed how jumpy Taylor was; she noticed her eating less and most of all she noticed Taylor leaving every night.
Last night hadn't been the first time she had noticed Taylor's absence. She was worried sick but she didn't know what to do. The model hoped that Taylor would open up to her soon but when she thought back to the few conversations they've had about Taylor's problems she was sure the other girl wouldn't talk. Karlie didn't blame her for keeping quiet; she couldn't even begin to imagine what Taylor had been going through alone for so long. She knew that speaking up after such a long time would be hard for the other girl.
Karlie thought about going to Taylor's parents for help but reminded herself that Taylor, Andrea and Scott Swift weren't on speaking terms anymore. And from what Taylor did tell her, they had something to do with Taylor's struggles. Karlie had to tear down the walls Taylor had so carefully built before it was too late.
"Are you staring?" Taylor asked, her eyes slowly fluttering open.
Karlie loved seeing Taylor waking up in the morning. For the first few minutes of the day she looked every bit like the carefree person Karlie had known for years before that version of Taylor disappeared and was replaced by a sad and broken one. Karlie had seen that transition quite a few times and every time it broke her heart.
"No, I'm not staring I'm simply admiring," Karlie replied a soft smile on her face.
"You are using my own words against me!" Taylor exclaimed.
"How right you are," the model grinned and closed the distance between them with a sweet kiss. "Good morning," Karlie said as they parted.
"Morning," Taylor replied smiling.
"I'll go and make breakfast," Karlie announced as she got out from under the warm sheets, leaving the comfortable bed.
"You don't have to make anything for me. I'm not hungry," Taylor called after her girlfriend.
"Baby, we're going back into the ocean today you need some food in your system," Karlie shouted from the kitchen.
"I'm really not hungry," the shorter blonde said as she walked into the kitchen moments later. It was the truth, though. She was so focused on making all the bad thoughts in her head disappear; she was so focused on keeping her heart rate normal that she wasn't hungry anymore.
"Here's some yogurt so you won't dehydrate later," Karlie said, completely disregarding Taylor's protests, as she placed a bowel and a spoon in front of her.
The older girl reluctantly picked up the spoon and started eating the food her girlfriend had given her. She didn't want to worry Karlie even more.
"And here's your coffee," the model placed a steaming cup next to the bowel.
"Thank you," Taylor smiled as she leaned in for a kiss.
"You're very welcome," Karlie replied before connecting their lips.
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"Taylor, are you ready to go?" Karlie asked from the kitchen where she had been cleaning up their breakfast. A breakfast Taylor barely touched. When she didn't get a reply, Karlie walked towards their bedroom. She looked inside to see if her girlfriend was still in there and saw the singer sitting in bed, not moving. Once again Taylor had gotten lost in her mind.
"Baby, please tell me how I can help you. Please let me help you," Karlie pleaded as she entered the room and saw the faraway look on Taylor's face. She looked defeated and fragile somehow. Karlie walked over to the bed and sat down in front of the other girl, cupping her face with her long hands.
"I just want to help you," she repeated, looking into her favorite pair of blue eyes which by now had lost their usual spark. "I know that you're not fine at all. I can see that you're so far from being fine and I need you to know that I am here for you, okay? I'm here and I'm not leaving no matter what. We'll figure this all out once you're ready to talk, okay?"
Tears started to form in Karlie's eyes. She felt so utterly helpless. She didn't know what to do or who to talk to. Taylor slowly reached out and wiped away a lone tear that had escaped Karlie's eyes. The blonde had never known this kind of pure love and support in all her life and she hated herself for making Karlie go through this. She wished she could just get herself together and finally open her mouth but every time she tried she chickened out.
"It's s-so hard K-Karlie," Taylor choked out, a lump forming in her throat. Sobs started taking over her fragile body. At the sight Karlie's cracked heart completely shattered. Her girlfriend was breaking down in front of her and all she could do was to hold her close and to tell her she would be okay. She wished there was a way she could take away at least a part of Taylor's pain.
"Take your time, babe, I'm right here," she whispered into Taylor's hair, her own tears falling from her eyes as she rocked them back and forth.
"No one's ever cared about me the way you do," Taylor said once she's calmed down a little. "I've fooled everyone for so long. You are the first person I can't fool."
"I know you, Tay. I know you better than I know anyone else, you're my best friend, remember? I know when you're okay and I know when you're not. You can't fool me."
"I've never had to talk about this," the singer admitted.
"Maybe talking about it makes it easier," the green-eyed girl encouraged her girlfriend.
"I-I can't sleep," Taylor confessed with a quivering voice, "I don't know why but I'm lying awake every night and then I sneak out and sit on the beach until the sun comes up." Confessing this out loud made Taylor feel ridiculous and overly dramatic. She had the life so many people wanted, so who was she to complain about a lack of sleep? Her problem seemed so stupid when she talked about it. But then again she did leave out some rather important parts of the story.
"From now on I'll stay up with you," Karlie offered.
"No, you don't have to do that. Just because I can't sleep doesn't mean that you should be completely sleep deprived too," Taylor argued.
"Baby, there's clearly something bothering you that doesn't let you sleep so I'll stay up with you and let's see maybe I can help you. We can also get sleeping pills in town if you want," Karlie suggested. Taylor couldn't tell her that she could not be trusted around sleeping pills.
"I'm sure it's just a dumb passing phase. I'll be back to normal in no time," Taylor assured Karlie before kissing her and leaving the bed to get ready. Just like that the walls were back up again.
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The two girls ended up having to reschedule their surf lesson for later in the day after the emotional morning they've had.
"Are you sure you're up or this today?" Karlie asked Taylor as they walked into town.
"Yeah, I need the distraction and I know how much you love it," Taylor replied.
Karlie's concerns weren't completely without reason, though. And Taylor knew that. She was emotionally and physically exhausted and probably shouldn't be near an ocean but if they stayed at home she knew her mind would take her to a dark place again.
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Taylor stood in the cold water that afternoon, surfboard in hand, looking at the horizon. The ocean seemed so big and endless, making her feel so small. She focused on nothing but the small waves softly hitting her body; the way the board moved next to her as she walked out a little further.
That day she pushed herself to walk out further into the ocean than she normally did which earned her a thumbs up from Ben who was explaining something to Karlie back at the beach. The crying Taylor did that morning now felt liberating; she felt like some of the heavy weight had been lifted off of her chest, she could breathe a little better again. She felt a little lighter today.
She got onto the board and paddled out a little further. She spotted the perfect wave and turned around to get into position. She solely focused on riding the wave all the way to the beach. Her mind was occupied; there was no space for dark thoughts as she rode the wave. Maybe surfing would keep her from being suffocated by her own mind. Ben who had kept his eyes on the blonde out in the ocean smiled when she arrived back at the beach.
For the first time Taylor smiled back.
"You did so well today!" Karlie squealed after the lesson as she pulled Taylor into a hug.
"Thank you," Taylor laughed.
"You finally conquered your fear of drowning out there," Karlie observed as they walked to the grocery store hand in hand.
"It seems like I have." Taylor hadn't even paid the possibility of drowning any mind. She had only focused on the wave and the water. Maybe her sleep deprived brain wasn't all bad, she thought.
"What do we need again?" Taylor asked once they reached the store. Her memory was definitely getting worse.
"Wait a second," Karlie said as she pulled out her phone to check the list they had made back home.
In that moment her screen lit up with yet another notification. Karlie didn't know for how much longer she could avoid her real life back in New York City. She loved living alone with Taylor without any distractions but at some point she'd have to go back. She had to explain to her friends and family that her and Josh were no longer together, she had to tell them she was now dating none other than Taylor Swift. Karlie had a lot of explaining to do.
"We need bread, cereal, oatmeal and paint," Karlie listed once she had found their list on the phone.
"Do you think they sell paint in there?" Taylor questioned.
"Let's go and find out," Karlie replied as they walked into the store. Lucky for them, the store did sell paint. "What colors do we need?" the model asked once they'd reached the paint section in the small grocery shop.
"We definitely need white," Taylor replied deep in thought.
"We haven't really planned this well enough," Karlie laughed as she got the paint. "Do we really wanna paint the place white? That's kinda boring don't you think?"
"Yep, but we do need it as a foundation," Taylor explained, "Once the walls are white we can paint them in any way we want."
"So you're also an expert when it comes to renovating?" Karlie laughed in awe with how smart her girlfriend was.
"Of course I am," Taylor replied feigning seriousness. "No but really don't you remember the time we painted my living room wall back in the TriBeCa apartment when I'd just moved to New York?"
"Of course I remember that!" Karlie exclaimed, "I also remember that it took us almost a day to finish 'cause we kept on having random fights with the paint," she added, giggling at the memory.
"Oh God, do you remember how hard it was to get rid of the paint afterwards?" Taylor questioned, joining in on Karlie's laughter.
"Oh yeah I do! I had to get it out of my hair for a shoot the next day!"
"The hair was the worst," Taylor laughed.
"I say we go with white for now and figure the rest out back home," Karlie suggested once they stopped laughing.
"Agreed," Taylor said.
The girls put the paint into the shopping cart. They couldn't wait to finally start working on the cottage and truly make it their home.