The next day, the headlines in the newspaper were an exposé about my past, just as Hayes's dad had predicted weeks ago. Something I should have expected, but still hoped wouldn't happen. I grab the magazines off the table and walk quickly to the couch before turning the television on, flicking it to TMZ.
The bottom of the screen reads: Hayes Benson's fiancé isn't quite the sweetheart she appears to be, and my stomach drops.
Lesli Arnolds is smiling widely and wearing a simple blue blazer. "Hey, guys! Welcome back to my segment, where we catch up on the latest gossip. If you haven't heard of Sephine Montgomery by now, then you must be living under a rock because she's been featured everywhere." A picture of Hayes and I getting coffee in Texas appears on the screen. "She's also known as the ballerina who recently stole billionaire Hayes Benson's heart. Yes, that Hayes Benson." She smirks, and a new picture of Hayes pops up of him from a few years ago I'm presuming. "I mean, look how in love they are in their engagement photos, folks." A few of our engagement photos show up.
"Now we know that Sephine has been taking a break from dancing after she fell during a routine in Toronto two months ago, and I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone." A clip from the festival starts to play, and I see myself on screen taking the running steps towards Ollie. I close my eyes, but I can still hear the gasp of who took the video, and then the clip stops. "Now that certainly looks like it hurt. Poor girl."
"Yeah, I'm sure you feel so sorry for me," I grumble, waiting for her to continue to the part I know she's going to cover.
"Yesterday, the ballerina was spotted attending a narcotics anonymous meeting, but I think the real question would be why she was attending one in the first place? So my team and I did some digging. We found that Sephine had quite the addiction to over the counter medicine while she was attending Bayard Academy, a boarding school in Seattle that is known for creating top tier dancers and other artistic occupations. However, this was all swept underneath the covers. But, it was revealed in quite the scandal almost a year later that led to the resignation of former Senator Montgomery from Maryland. Yikes!"
Hayes's dad was right. They did find out.
Lesli smiles softly into the camera, "But does the fact that she was seen attending a meeting mean that a relapse is coming? We have reports from a close friend to the couple that says Sephine is struggling to adapt to the new lifestyle after living out of the public eye for so long. But I can personally say that I hope she's doing okay because everyone makes mistakes, and it seems as if she's made quite the life for herself after getting clean. Even though it means I'll probably never get my shot with Hayes, this is one couple I'm rooting for to last. Make sure you tune in after the break! We'll be covering the dirty details in the nasty break up between Lily Weiss and Dylan Reed."
I rest my head on my knee while taking a deep breath, letting myself process the fact that my addiction has now been made public once again. It doesn't matter to people if I'm almost eight years clean or not. To them, it's some joke, and something that they can make money off of.
So I let myself slip in the way they've predicted. I wander to the bathroom where there are pills behind the mirror. I brace my hands on the sink as I stare at myself. Is this really who I want to go back to being again? The pills would set me back eight years of recovery. Eight years of being clean.
The memory of being high is still clear as day in my brain. My fingers twitch to unscrew the cap and pop one in my mouth. But I'd break every ounce of trust I've gained from Hayes if I did that.
I grab the bottle with shaky hands, hearing the pills rattle on the inside. I twist off the top, pouring them into my hand. The white pills contrast faintly with my pale skin.
I don't know why I'm doing this. I'm happy, but I still question myself. I just don't know.
It should be an easy decision to put them away, but it's not. I know I'm not going to take one, but I also know that I could take one.
So instead, here are the things I know.
I love Hayes. I want to marry him. I miss Ollie. I think I want kids. I know I don't have a problem with alcohol. I miss dancing. I'm afraid of having a problem with alcohol. I love dancing. I love pills. I shouldn't love pills, but I do. I love Dickens. I hate Shakespeare. I'm not ashamed of my past. I don't have a problem admitting my past. But I hate losing the ability to decide who knows. But I also know that being with Hayes is worth everyone knowing. I can take just one from this bottle and feel better for a little bit. But I'll also hate myself if I do.
And here are the things I don't know.
I don't know if I classify as a brunette or as a blonde. I don't know when Ollie is going to talk to me again. I don't know when I'll be able to dance again. I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow. I don't know where my phone is because I lost it in the chaos of being with Hayes last night. And I don't know if I'm going to take a pill for the first time in nearly eight years.
I keep running the list over and over through my mind as I stare at the pills in my hand.
It'd be so easy to take them. A tear escapes my eye, and I look up at the mirror again. This isn't who I am. I can't let the drugs define me again. I let them fall from my hand into the toilet, before grabbing the rest of the drugs in the cabinet and doing the same.
*********
It ended up being six days, twenty-three hours, and fifteen minutes before Ollie talked to me again. After emptying the cabinet of all the pills, I went to another meeting. I would have called my sponsor, but I was too shaken up to look for my phone.
When I walk in the penthouse afterward, I feel calmer. More like myself. I did the right thing flushing the pills.
It's still early enough that I'm surprised to see Hayes's jacket sitting on the counter. I'm even more surprised to see Ollie sitting with him on the couch.
"What's going on?" I ask, confused as to why they're here.
Hayes's eyes snap to me, and I recognize the fear I see in them, but I also see relief. And then I notice the empty pill containers in front of them.
I see all of the emotions on his face fall blank. "Hayes wait-" I try to say, but he gets up, turning away and walking into our bedroom, letting the door softly click behind him. That's was worse than if he had slammed it.
"You're okay?" Ollie asks slowly, staring widely at me. I nod mutely, and he breathes a visible sigh of relief. "I saw the magazines and the clip of Lesli's show this morning was trending and-" I don't give him a chance to finish before I've thrown my arms around him.
"You don't ever get to disappear like that again," I say, trembling as I hug him tightly.
"I'm sorry." He mumbles, returning the hug, and we stay there for a moment like that. "I didn't know what to do since I don't have a key to this apartment, so I found the only person I knew for sure would have a key. He hadn't heard yet because he's been in meetings all day." Ollie falls silent, and I know it's because he's seen the bottles. "Did you-"
"No."
He lets out a shaky breath, "But you thought about it."
I step away, "Yeah, I did. But I didn't. I dumped them all in the toilet, and went to a meeting if you don't believe me."
Addicts lie. He knows this better than anyone.
A pained look floods his face, "You should go talk to Hayes." I hesitate because as much as I want to go to Hayes, I don't want Ollie to leave either. But then it's as if he's read my mind and realization washes over him, "I'm not going anywhere unless you want me to?"
I shake my head, and Ollie sits down on the couch, staring at the empty bottles much like I did earlier. I wait a moment before heading into the bedroom, afraid of what Hayes is going to say, but he doesn't say anything when I step in. He doesn't even look at me.
He's sitting on the side of the bed with his arms propped up on his knees as his head is buried in his hands. I force my legs to move forward until I'm next to him, and I rest a hand on his shoulder before sitting next to Hayes, curling my legs under me.
"I'm sorry if I worried you." I don't know what else to say.
"I didn't know anything was wrong. I told my assistant to block all of my calls during the meetings I had, and I missed every single call that our publicist made to get ahold of me. Then you wouldn't pick up the fucking phone. You weren't here, and I didn't know..." Hayes's voice cracks, and it's a sound I know I never want to hear again. "God, Seph, you wouldn't pick up. Where were you?"
"I lost my phone last night. I went to a meeting." It comes out quiet and meek.
"I didn't know what to expect when I walked through the door. You've been so out of it the last few days that I guess I thought maybe... maybe you'd gone back to old habits. Just like you've done with me." He admits, and a little part of me breaks as he does.
"I didn't take any of them, and you're not an old habit." The fact that he would call himself one hits me hard.
"But you wanted to."
"Yeah, I wanted to. I can think of at least a dozen scenarios off the top of my head where I desperately wanted a high, but I didn't. Today fucking sucked, but I didn't get high."
"But you didn't call anyone, or ask for help from the people that love you either!" Hayes raises his voice, breaking away from me, and the words hit me like a verbal slap. He's right. I didn't call anyone. Not him, not Ollie, or Liv. I probably could have even called Grayson if I needed to. "I mean, what the hell am I supposed to think when I find empty pill bottles in the bathroom?"
"I don't know Hayes. I don't know." I fold my hands in my lap over and over again. And then I see the tears streaking down his face as if they're etching cracks in the smooth surface of his skin. No, this wasn't supposed to happen. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I murmur over and over again as he pinches the bridge of his nose.
"I know you are, I just. Fuck."
I get off of the bed and take his hands in mine, feeling particularly small as his swallow mine.
"I know you probably don't believe me, but I'm okay. Yeah, my past happened, and everyone found out again today. It really fucking sucked, and I wanted to get high. I didn't because I hate who I am when I'm high. I hate the loss of control, even if I felt like I was more in control... I hate that I love it. I'm not ashamed of who I am, but I hate losing the control to choose who and how people find out. That's why I wanted to get high. I flushed all the pills to avoid temptation."
I could lose myself in the cerulean eyes staring intently at me, and brush away his tears just as Hayes has done for me in the past. "I'm sorry that you lost that. I could have-"
I scoff lightly, trying to keep my shit together. "You couldn't have done anything. This is my mess that I've been dealing with for a long time. Today was a bad day, and I promise there will be more bad days, but with the bad days come the good days, and there will be a lot more of those than the bad days."
Hayes's arms wrap around me, and he buries his face into my hair, and I just hold onto him. "I'm so sorry," I say again and again because all I've done is disrupt his life from the moment I walked in it.
"Why didn't you call me?" He asks, and I blink my tears back.
My fingers into the soft cloth of his shirt, "I don't know. I wasn't thinking." Hayes's hand cups the back of my neck with his hand entangling into my hair as he holds me close.
I'm sorry.
I can feel his breathing steadying, "I was so afraid," he mutters, and I rest my head on his chest in the form of a silent response. "You're okay," Hayes says again, but I think it's more for his benefit to reassure himself.
I never meant to put you through this. It wasn't my intention at all. But if someone can love you at a low point, then maybe it's a sign that we're doing the right thing. Hayes makes me happy. "I'm okay."
I'm okay because I've finally started to make good decisions instead of destructive ones. Because it's not just about me anymore. It's about us. My choices affect him now too.