THE HARD WAY
I took a last look around my room, knowing it would never be the same again. Sure, my Water Lilies comforter would still be where I left it on my mattress, my furniture would remain in its rightful place. But the next time I would walk through that door, I'd just be a visitor.
I ran my fingers over the pictures around my mirror, taking in the images of my life from over the years. Yesterday, I was a little girl riding a bike; in a few short hours I'd be riding out the rest of my life.
Doesn't it just go by in a blink.
Dad had packed all my stuff into the car hours before: The movie posters I'd bought on my last day at Totally Videos, the bedding set I'd picked out with Lisa. The mini-fridge Bruce had gotten me at graduation, the computer from Dad, the bags upon bags of clothes, a box of my favorite books. I stood out in the driveway looking at all of it: My New Life, crammed into every spare inch of our family car.
Trip's truck pulled in just then, and he looked almost beaten as he got out and made his way toward me. No kiss hello, no hug. Just his hands jammed in his pockets as he offered a nod of his head and a formal "'Morning" at me.
In the old days, I would have freaked out by his lack of emotion, especially considering how we'd spent the previous night. But I knew that he was being standoffish purely out of self-preservation. What else could he be expected to do?
"Hey, uh," he started in, not quite sure what to say. "You, uh, you okay?" referring to my near-fatal hemorrhaging the night before.
Some of my embarrassment had left me by then. I mean, I'd come to the conclusion that if something like that was going to have to happen someday regardless, I'm glad it had happened with him instead of some random guy. "I'm fine. A little mortified, but I'll live."
"You know, that was a first for me, too."
I looked at him, ready to call him out for being a rotten liar when he clarified, "I've never been anyone's First before."
I forced a laugh and said, "Well, I can only imagine you never will be again after that horror show."
His eyes met mine then, the broken look on his face almost tearing my heart out, the sad, sad realization that our minutes together were numbered. After all the months of postponing the inevitable, there we were, left with mere seconds to spend with one another.
He came over to me, grabbed my hands in his and planted a sweet kiss on my lips. "No, probably not. But only because I can't imagine ever wanting to be with anyone else ever again."
My stomach wrenched, actually causing me physical pain. How could he say something like that to me? My heart was already shattering into a million pieces and I was already doing all I could not to break down in tears.
"Trip... don't."
Oh God, please don't say it. Please, please-
"I'm in love with you, Layla."
I dropped my head as the tears came rolling down my cheeks; despite my resolve, I was completely incapable of stopping them. You'd think that I would have been bursting at the seams with joy, finally hearing him say the words I could only dream about for the better part of an entire year. But I was too crushed to feel any sort of elation at his admission. And the truth was, I already knew how he felt.
"Trip. Stop!"
"No, Layla. I won't stop." He moved closer, cradling my head to his chest before continuing. "I know you're leaving and I would never try to keep you from going, and I guess I have my own path to follow as well. But don't ever ask me to stop loving you, because I can't. Don't ever think I'll be able to forget you, because I won't."
I was actually sobbing against him then, my shoulders heaving, my tears dampening the front of his T-shirt, causing tiny, dark blue spots to appear across his chest.
I wanted to freeze us in time, like one of those museum displays that Holden Caulfield was so fixated on, or seal the two of us off from the world with plexiglass like Thomas Edison's desk.
I was about to tell him I loved him, too, that I didn't need to go, that we could both stay right there at home forever and ever, amen. It could be so easy for us to just decide to stay right where we were, loving each other for the rest of our lives.
We don't have to say goodbye.
But the words caught in my throat and I didn't say anything.
He kissed the top of my head and asked, "But I want you to promise me something, okay?"
My eyes were spilling over and I could barely breathe, but I managed to ask, "What's that?"
He put his hands on either side of my face, looked right into my eyes and said, "Be happy. Wherever you wind up. And know that I'll be thinking of you, wherever I am." At that, he bent his face to mine and I let him kiss me for the last time.
Oh, the drama! Is there anything so powerful as the love of two teenagers being ripped apart?
He tore his mouth from mine and shook his head, defeated. "I can't do this. It's too hard."
He reached into his truck through the open window and pulled out a pale blue envelope. He placed it in my hands before swiping his thumb across my dampened cheek, his knuckles grazing my neck. I was trying to think of something to say, some memorable, monumental, perfect parting words.
But for some reason, I found a smile cracking through my tears, and the words that left my lips were, "Stay gold, Ponyboy."
At first, Trip looked at me stunned, like he couldn't believe I was being so blasphemous as to make light of such a serious situation. But then, he started to smile too; a beautiful, final, charming grin, just for me.
After he'd gone, I watched, too depleted to be emotional as his truck drove down my street for the final time. I looked down at the envelope in my hand and decided to go have a seat in the backyard to open it.
When I did, the first thing I saw was a picture of Trip and me from graduation, the one his father had taken when Trip had scooped me into his arms. I looked at the smiling faces in the image, smirking to myself when I remembered how later in that evening, we'd shared our first kiss.
The photograph had been sandwiched by a piece of folded looseleaf notebook paper, and I recognized what I was holding immediately. I couldn't believe that I'd finally gotten my hands on Trip's Mind Ramble from our very first week in English class together.
I put the picture across my lap and unfolded his note.
Hey Dummy. What are you working on in art class? You missed Rymer blow Coke out his nose at lunch today. Although, something tells me that's not the first time that's ever happened.
Shit. Mason wants a mind ramble.
Romeo was a complete tool who had no balls. Which is it? Rosaline or Juliet? Make up your mind dude.
Okay forget this. I can't write about stupid Shakespeare when you're sitting two inches away from me and I can smell your hair. Coconut? Smells like summer. Okay so I just caught the look you shot me over your shoulder and you need to know that I can't even breathe right now. I haven't even known you that long but from the first time I saw you, I've been knocked out by how hot you are. No. You know what? Not just hot.
You're beautiful.
The kind of beautiful that doesn't go away. Do you even know how beautiful you are? Christ. Stop looking at me! Killing me. Do you know what that does to me? Seeing you look at me like you're half in love with me? Are you? If I write it does it make it true? So let it be written, so let it be done. Haha.
Anyway, mind ramble mind ramble mind ramble.
The only thing rambling through my mind is how much I want to grab you out of that chair and kiss you right now. Kiss you the way you need to be kissed- and kiss you often.
Oh God I must sound like such a loser. By the way, if anyone's reading this, I should state right here that MY NAME IS SONNY AETINE. There. Nothing to hide.
Nothing to hide? Okay fine. Here it is.
I could be in love with you.
There it is. I wrote it.
I'll write it again.
I really think I could be in love with you.
Oh man, I'm going to have to burn this thing so no one gets their hands on it. Especially those wiseguy friends of yours. That Cooper guy seems like he's ready to murder me whenever you look my way. No way I'm going to get on THAT guy's bad side my first week in town.
Guess I'll wait it out.
The letter ended there along with the last grip on my life as I knew it.
Trip loved me.
I held the paper to my chest, expecting a sobbing fit to come again, waiting for an all-consuming blubbering outburst to overtake my wasted soul. I'd shed more tears in the past weeks than I had in my entire life, but there was nothing left to cry about.
I thought about the people that I had loved in my life and the never-ending list of people that had left it. Everyone both here and gone... from my mother, to my family, to my friends.
I thought about Cooper, who'd loved me unconditionally, practically from the day that we had met. Who cured my hurts and built me up and never asked for anything in return.
I thought about Lisa, probably somewhere in Ohio by then, striking out and starting over with Pickford in a place so very far away. Lisa, who I shared everything with, who'd been in my life for so long, I could hardly remember a time before her. Lisa; my partner in crime, my role model, my sister, my friend.
I thought about Trip; my beautiful, blue-eyed, golden-haired god, getting ready to hop a plane to who knows, living a life of adventure, and taking me with him wherever he went in the world.
I carved out little spaces within my heart; little, lovely mausoleums where I could lock each and every one of them away inside, keep the memories safe and close to me forever.
And then it was time to go.
THE END
*** Did I do my job? Are you crying bittersweet tears of joy? Sadness?
Just in case you don't already know (and shame on you for not reading any of the notes I've left at the end of many, many chapters LOL), REMEMBER WHEN is a trilogy. Which, if you've done the math, means that there are TWO MORE BOOKS in this story! While I won't be posting them here, they can be purchased (in ebook, paperback, or audio formats) at all book retailer sites worldwide.
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I have posted some fun end-material, including a list of book club discussion questions, a special bonus chapter of RW in Trip's POV, and a sneak peek chapter of what's in store for you in RW2.
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