Jessica
After relaxing for a few days and catching up on sleep we head over to my moms house to celebrate my birthday. I wasn't big on birthdays but I have a dog now so I'm starting to think they're not that bad.
We arrive in Springfield early this beautiful Saturday morning. By the time we get there my brother and his family was already settled in and trying to eat the birthday cake without me. Naturally Corey goes off with CJ and they play in the backyard as they mess around with the sports stuff and I hang out with Amanda and her and Carters little girl Miranda in the living room.
"So how was your trip" Amanda questions as we draw with Miranda on the floor of the living room. We always had coloring books around here.
"It was great. I haven't traveled out of the country since I was a little girl and it was awesome to be able to do the things we liked instead of doing stuff we felt like we should be doing. And doing it with Corey was great, he was so open minded and aided in my Queen addiction. It was perfect" I smile.
"That's so cool. So what are you guys going to do now" she wonders.
"I don't know, I'll probably go back to work and we'll hang around Chicago. He moved into my place and we got a dog, so things are moving right along" I explain.
"That's so exciting" she cheers and I laugh.
"It's pretty cool. I've never been in a serious relationship before and I hope that this is the only one I'll ever be in" I admit.
"I wish I was that lucky. I had to get my heart broken a few times before I found your brother" she claims.
"Speaking of, I haven't seen him all morning. Where is he" I wonder.
"I'm not sure. Your mom asked him for some help when we got here and I haven't seen them since" she says.
"Well I should go find them in case they started a family emergency again and I have to break it up... again" I roll my eyes. It sounds weird but it happens a lot with us. We were all passionate, just never about the same things.
I go upstairs and quickly find my brother and mothers voice and they did not sound happy. They were in my moms room arguing about something and I figured I should go break it up like I always had to. Those two bumped heads a lot but it was all out of love. I promise.
I was about to go inside the room until I hear my name and I stop. I stand at the door and listen in to what they were talking about. So I softly press my ear to the closed door and try to make out what they were saying.
"Dad said that you should have given this to her on her 21st birthday.... that was over nine years ago. You kept this from her for nine years, this has gone on for far too long. She is thirty now, you can't keep this from her" Carter whisper yells.
"She doesn't need to know these types of things. Her mind is her greatest asset and knowing these types of things messes with your mind. She doesn't need to know" my mom claims.
"That's not your decision to make. She at least deserves a choice to do what she wants to do with it" Carter claims.
"I'm protecting her" my mom argues.
"You're protecting her or yourself" he counters. "I know you don't want to go down this road after spending all these years trying to move on without him but it was his dying wish that you did this one thing for him after he was gone. You're not only letting Jessie down but you're letting Dad down too" Carter says.
"I'm doing what I think is right as her mother" she claims.
"What was right was giving her that nine years ago like you were supposed to" Carter claims.
I feel as if I had enough time to build up the suspense so I open the door and walk in. They both stop their bickering as I stand in the doorway and wait for someone to break first.
"What's going on" I ask carefully.
"Do you want to tell her or do you want me to" Carter asks and we both turn to my mom. She always wore her emotions on her face and I saw nothing but guilt as she couldn't even maintain eye contact with the floor without moving her eyes again.
"Your father left you this" she says as she pulls a decent sized box out of the closet. It was a red box with a black bow and my name in his handwriting on the tag. "He made this before he killed himself. I found it in our closet the day he passed and I kept it there trying to forget about it but I never did. He left a note and said to give this to you on your 21st birthday. I just couldn't get myself to do it" she says.
"Why" I ask.
"I wasnt ready" she claims.
"And what about me" I ask and she stops. "I wasn't ready to lose my dad but I didn't have a choice. And if he wanted me to have that then why would you keep it from me" I question.
"I don't know" she admits. "I don't know what's in here. I don't know what it would do to you. I lost one beautiful mind... I didn't want to lose yours too" she whispers.
"My mind is whatever I make it. It doesn't have a hold on me like it had a hold on dad. Because of him my mind, therefore my life, is whatever I want it to be. No matter what is in that box I am always going to be your daughter. But you keeping this from me... this not okay" I insist.
"I'm just trying to protect you" she defends.
"Holding things from me isn't protecting me. That's lying" I assure her.
"I'm sorry... I didn't mean for this to go on for this long" she says as she hands me the box. She doesn't say another word before leaving us be. I stare at the box as I hold it in my hands tight. I sit on the bed and set the box in my lap trying to think about what could be in here.
"What are you gonna do" my brother asks.
"What I should have done nine years ago" I say and he chuckles.
"I'll be downstairs if you need me" he says and I nod. He pats my shoulder softly before leaving me by myself. I slowly undo the ribbon and open the top of the box before tossing it to the side. On the top of the stuff inside was a piece of paper and I decide to read it first because my dad always stressed how important reading is.
"Every kid dreams of their 21st birthday, I know you always talk about wanting to grow up and change the world and I just know you are. You're all grown up and now there isn't much you can't do. I hate that I can't see you, I know you're going to be beautiful, just look at your mother. I wish I could be there to scare all the boys away so I can keep you young forever. I hope more than anything that by now you can forgive me for what I've done to you and the family. I want nothing more than to one day walk you down the isle at your wedding or see my beautiful grandchildren, but if I stayed alive by the time you're that old I would have been too far gone and the man walking you down the isle or holding your baby, that wouldn't have been me. It would have been what's left of me after everything I ever loved was destroyed by my mind. I know you don't want to walk around without me, but you can do it. You're strong, I know, I raised you. And even though you're only 10 as I write this... I'm already so proud of you. You're the most brilliant girl I've ever seen from all my travels. Your eyes, they shine so bright. Even on my darkest day your eyes shine into my life bringing me light. It's one of the greatest feelings that a man can have, to love his daughter the way I do. And I know you love me too, and I'll never forget it. You are one of the greatest treasures I've ever known, so beautiful inside and out.
I don't want you to think that my action reflects you in any way. You don't understand it yet, but my mind, it's broken beyond repair. I left that war thinking I won, that I survived everything it threw at me, but they took away my life along with everything I loved and I didn't even know it. I cannot go on knowing what I know, feeling the way I feel. I've killed people who didn't deserve to be killed and work for people I wish I had the chance to kill. And it's not getting better, I don't want you to look up to me only for me to become someone that you are scared of. Your mind is special, it's one of a kind and I can't poison it. I can't go on knowing what I know, but I can dream. And I'll always dream of us listening to music on the back porch as we count the stars in the sky.
I hope you know I love you most Jess. You're my light and you're going to be the light to so many others, I just know it. Keep your head up baby girl.
I love you to the moon and back, Dad."
I wipe away a tear as I set the note down by my side. I look into the box to see what he left me and see some old vinyl records and I smile. There was a lot of songs we would sing and dance to in the kitchen or on the back porch or wherever we hooked up the old record player. There was also a picture of him holding me when I was little in a cute frame. He wasn't here when I was born but the first thing he did when he got back was hold me. It was a picture of him in his navy seal stuff holding me and he was crying. He always had a soft spot for me.
At the bottom was his dog tags along with something else. I see a crest moon with a heart in it and I smile. He used to tell me he loved me to the moon and back, and for the first time in my life I felt like he was back.