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THEY'RE WATCHING COSMOS, because it's one of the best documentaries known to man, and Soonyoung will always insist on that. It's just a fact, he says. Nothing compares to Neil deGrasse Tyson talking about outer space, and it's a fact.
"You've told me this already," Jihoon says, shoving a handful of popcorn into his mouth while Soonyoung folds himself up on the couch. "Just hit play."
This time, Jihoon's being spared the agony of having to watch Carl Sagan talk about astronomy for nearly thirteen hours straight - Soonyoung figured they wouldn't marathon, for once - but other than that, it's really no different to what they usually do. Soonyoung's terribly close to Jihoon, glancing at him more often than what's happening on screen, and his heart is racing, and it's no different.
It used to not always be like this, though. Like when they were younger. Like when Soonyoung could wrap his arms around Jihoon, pull him close, rest legs on top of legs and a head against his shoulder without it knotting his lungs; like when they were kids, and kids didn't know the difference between holding hands and chaste kisses and Soonyoung hadn't realized that it wasn't entirely normal to feel for his best friend the way he did.
That's how it was. Now, and for a while now, it's all just been a flurry of nerves - but he still likes their little tradition, even if he does sort of feel like vomiting every other minute. It's not all too awful. Like vomiting butterflies, maybe? He's not really sure.
Anyways, yeah. Legs on legs and heads on shoulders. Whatever.
Jihoon is making it especially difficult for him today, being especially warm. And it's sort of the worst thing ever? Like, for every gentle touch and soft breath and stop moving, I'm comfortable he endures, Soonyoung's also getting his heartstrings stepped all over, and it's the worst thing ever.
"Do you want something to drink?" he asks. His mouth is dry, and he needs an excuse to get away for like, two seconds. Two seconds to breathe without the feeling of Jihoon's eyelashes tickling his arm, and he'll be fine.
But Jihoon shakes his head and his grip tightens, and that plan goes out the window.
"You're pretty clingy today," Soonyoung grins. "Kind of weird. Weren't you the one who told me I have attachment issues, that one time?"
Jihoon grumbles something that sounds like, "As if you hate it," squeezing his eyes shut and practically nuzzling against Soonyoung. The latter very nearly chokes on his own saliva, and it's all he can do to hope the heat spreading over his cheeks isn't noticeable.
"Yeah," he says, and the word comes out sounding like gravel. "I don't."
Neither one of them says anything after that, but Soonyoung gets the feeling he isn't the only one who's not paying attention to the TV. He's not surprised at himself - of the few, few things more important to him than Neil and space, Jihoon has definitely proven to be one of them - but he can't help wondering what the other boy is thinking.
"Something on your mind?" he asks. He's got one arm slung around Jihoon's shoulder, fingers fidgeting with the cuff of his sleeve. He can feel the boy hesitating.
"Er, yeah, actually. Can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"Do you love me?"
And like that, Soonyoung's fidgeting stops. His fingers freeze against the heat of Jihoon's skin, pulse suddenly skyrocketing. He laughs breathily and tries to keep his eyes trained on the screen in front of him.
"Ah, 'course I love you."
Out of the corner of his eye, Soonyoung can almost see the breath caught in Jihoon's throat, see his gaze suspended and wavering between the both of them. There's more he has to say, Soonyoung knows, but all he offers is a forced sort of laugh and, "Right, right. Just checking."
Soonyoung exhales, his heartbeat slowing a bit. Something's off, and he knows it's off, but he'll pretend otherwise if Jihoon does.
"Yeah, well. I'm always happy to boost your ego."
"Shut up."
It's meant to be humorous, but there's a grainy, nervous texture to both their tones. Soonyoung keeps his smile too wide and his voice too loud and just hopes it isn't noticeable.
"Jihoon?" Soonyoung asks, if only for the sake of drawing out the joke. "Do you love me, too?"
He expects a snort, some scoff or an eye-roll. Something like 'fuck off' or 'you wish.' It's the sort of thing Soonyoung's learned to expect over the years - because, despite Jihoon's occasional displays of softness, Soonyoung knows he has to. If he didn't, he'd be faced with constant disappointment.
Maybe not today, though. Today, Jihoon breathes deep and says, ever-so-quietly, "Yeah, I do." He pulls the blanket further over both of them and doesn't say another word. Which is fine, really, because Soonyoung's not sure he'd be able to respond anyway.
He thinks he would have preferred disappointment.
—
It's one of those days. The kind where Soonyoung gets sad, and he doesn't know why, he just is.
Maybe it's schoolwork, the rising expectations and all the stress that comes with his inability to meet them. Maybe it's having his heart obliterated day after day by someone who doesn't feel the same. It could just be general insecurity.
But they're only things, life things - things that every other person deals with, but of course Soonyoung's got to be the one complaining.
He feels bad, stupidly guilty, but he thinks he remembers Jihoon saying something about calling when he feels like this, and he thinks it might be nice to have someone hold him.
So, well.
They're on his roof again, though it's different this time; it's still cold as fuck, but Soonyoung doesn't have his telescope with him and it's hard to see the stars through all the pollution. Whatever magic had found it's way up here just a few nights ago is gone, and now it's just Soonyoung shaking and Jihoon, steady as ever, with a strong grip and the sort of words that only mean something when they're coming from him.
"It's okay, it'll be okay. You know that, right?"
"It doesn't feel that way," Soonyoung manages to sniff. "I might be better later on, but it's going to come back, Jihoon. It always comes back."
"Well, you'll have me here when it does. It's not like I'm ever going to leave."
Soonyoung can't really muster a response to that. A half-suppressed sob crawls up his throat and lodges itself there midway, so all he can do is choke and tighten his hold on Jihoon's sweatshirt. The fabric bunches in his fists, stained with his stupid tears, and he only cries harder when he sees it.
"T-This is why I stick to the moon," he says, and he tries to force a laugh, but it doesn't really work. "This is embarrassing."
"No, it's not," Jihoon shushes him. He situates himself so that his arms rest firmly around Soonyoung's midriff, his chin tucked between the boy's neck and shoulder because he's too small to rest it on his head. It could be comfortable, but Soonyoung just feels a dull aching all throughout him.
"What do you think I'm gonna do, Soon? Laugh at you?" Jihoon's words blow soft, warm breaths against his neck, and he's not so sure that it's the cold that has him shuddering. "After all the times you've seen me like break down like this?"
"That's different," Soonyoung says. "That's you, and I ... It's just different, Jihoon." Jihoon pulls away, just enough to look Soonyoung square in the eye, and anxiety starts to swirl in his stomach. He hates when Jihoon looks at him like that.
Like he's something worth looking at, like Jihoon's seeing him in full and not an ounce of the affection in his eyes is half-hearted. Soonyoung hates it, because it's not the same sort of in-love, can-barely-hold-your-gaze-for-more-than-two-seconds-i'm-so-flustered type of look he's been giving Jihoon for years now. It's confident and sure and it's got no reason to be otherwise.
It's friendly, and it always has been. Soonyoung's sure of it.
He's not sure how much more of it he can take, though.
"What's making you feel this way?" Jihoon asks, and Soonyoung's response comes carried on a whisper.
"Nothing that's actually worth getting so upset over. I'm just overreacting."
"I don't care, you know. I don't give a shit if you're overreacting. What matters is how - how you're feeling, Soonyoung, and I can't stand to see you like this."
"How would you like to see me?"
"Like, happy. I just want to see you happy. It's what you deserve."
Soonyoung sucks in a shaky breath, and he holds it there until he's sure he can let it out without a sob escaping, too. He doesn't want to look at Jihoon anymore - he's so pretty, even in the dark, and that really can't be fair - so he rests his head back on his shoulder shuts his eyes.
Premature regret bubbles like lava in his stomach and coats his lungs; it burns hot like Venus when Jihoon repeats his question, and Soonyoung tries to swallow it back.
It'll hit him full-force later on, but he thinks he might combust if he doesn't say something now.
"I think I'm in love."
Finally, it's out there. Jihoon freezes against him, and Soonyoung thinks that if he were to press a hand against his chest, he wouldn't even be able to feel a heartbeat, he's gone so still.
"I'm not too sure though," he adds, trying to salvage what he can, but he knows he's gone too far already. He's going to have to say it, and he's going to have to watch all ten years of friendship turn to moondust. He knows it.
"You could Google your symptoms," Jihoon says, and if it weren't for the circumstances, Soonyoung thinks he might have laughed. "Or you could tell me."
Without opening his eyes, he exhales long and hard. Ready, set, go.
"Alright, well. I'm always thinking about them. They make me feel so comfortable - but also, like, the worst? Like, I can't breathe when I'm with them, and my heart feels like it might beat out of my chest. They're the prettiest person I've ever met. I sleep better with them. They - They make me feel a million things at once, like I'm the whole universe, and I'm collapsing in on myself. It hurts, but I care about them so much and I ... all I wanna do is be around them," he finishes quietly. "That's all."
Jihoon's silent for a long time, and then he asks, "This is a bad thing?" Soonyoung almost scoffs.
"It is when they don't feel the same. My heart tries too hard, Jihoon. They don't care that much."
"Who are they?"
And that's it, the million dollar question. The one that's going to ruin them both. It's too late to turn back now, though, and Soonyoung's not thinking straight enough to come up with a plan that can save him last minute. It's so ridiculous, he even laughs, albeit weakly.
"Who do you think I'm sleeping with when I'm not sleeping alone?" Soonyoung pauses, breathes. "It's you, Jihoon."
They both fall quiet, and Soonyoung sighs before pushing himself away. The air that fills the space between them is mean and cold, but he might as well start getting used to it.
He feels oddly peaceful. No exploding suns or racing asteroids, nothing like comets, but peaceful; like he's been thrown out into a vast expanse of blackness, where there's no oxygen to choke on and it's too freezing for him to really feel anything, and all he can do is float.
Jihoon's voice is the first to break the tension. Call him back to Earth.
"Can I tell you something?"
"Yeah."
"I already knew."
Soonyoung gives him a look, something caught off-guard, and he rushes to explain.
"I - I heard you, the other night. You must've thought I was asleep but ... I mean, I heard."
Soonyoung kind of wants to laugh again - laugh at himself for being so, so dumb. For not being careful enough. He shouldn't have called Jihoon tonight, he should've just talked to the fucking sky and felt bad for himself, like he always does. At least then they'd still have their friendship.
"I get it," he mumbles, "if you don't want to deal with me anymore. I know I've made things weird, and you don't - I mean, it's not your job to pretend it's okay, so don't. I get it."
He doesn't meet them, but Soonyoung can feel Jihoon's eyes weighing heavy on him. He doesn't want to look, he knows Jihoon's probably just as disappointed with him as he is. He doesn't want to face that quite yet.
When Jihoon speaks, it's terribly gentle.
"Soonyoung. What makes you think I don't want to deal with you anymore?"
Confusion creeps up Soonyoung's spine, and it must show on his face, too, because Jihoon has the nerve to laugh at him. His eyes scrunch up all soft, cutely pressed crescents sitting above cheeks that have been bitten pink by the chill - and despite everything, Soonyoung finds he still can't help growing fond at the sight. Jihoon continues.
"I don't - I don't hate you, Soon. I'm not going to cut off all contact with you. God, I don't think I would ever be capable of doing something like that."
"But, but I - "
Soonyoung cuts himself off when Jihoon reaches out to grab at his wrists, tugging him weakly. "Come back," he says, and it takes Soonyoung a moment to shake the lead off his shoulders and scoot forward again. He doesn't get too close - he's cautious, almost, though he's not sure of what - but his knees touch Jihoon's and his skin prickles, burns when the boy's grip tightens.
Jihoon speaks, and he keeps his voice low. It's not so much a whisper as it is a rumble; sort of rough, but still kind. Soft enough to sound comforting, like gravel rolling over palms. Fingers sifting through a bag of marbles.
"You know, maybe I don't mind."
It's nothing close to scary, but confusion and anxiety meld to form one big ball of terror in Soonyoung's chest nonetheless. Jihoon's eyes hold just about every star in the galaxy, and it's terrifying. Jihoon's the sweetest boy in the world, and in this instant, he's terrifying.
It's hard, Soonyoung's quickly learning, to hand someone your entire heart and not be scared of what they might do with it.
"W-What don't you mind?"
Some distant part of Soonyoung's consciousness registers the pressure around his wrists, how it lifts; it registers the hand that's in his hair, now, playing with whatever strands have fallen in front of his face while the other rubs the backs of his knuckles. Maybe he notices the blush across Jihoon's cheeks, painted wild and vivid, and maybe he's a little amused, because Jihoon's never been this sort of confident.
Mostly, though, he's too entirely focused on Jihoon's lips to fully take those things into account. It's not the first time Soonyoung's wanted nothing more than to kiss him, but it's the first time he's gotten this close.
"This, maybe?"
Jihoon leans in closer, and the distance between them shrinks until Soonyoung thinks he can feel the air buzzing against his skin. He doesn't think before he speaks - his mouth starts running faster than what his brain can keep up with.
"You know," he says, practically whispers, "when heat is added to a substance, atoms vibrate faster? And when they vibrate faster, the space between them grows. Which is weird? Because it's really cold right now, and there's not all that much space between us, but I swear I can feel them moving - "
Jihoon interrupts him with a splitting grin and - and light, Soonyoung's only seeing light, like he's got a sliver of the moon right here, right in front of him, and it's so pretty -
"Soonyoung, what are you talking about?"
Nothing important, he wants to say, but they're close enough now that when Jihoon breathes, Soonyoung can feel the steam against his lips, and he can barely speak.
"You said you don't mind this," he swallows. "But I still don't know what this is."
"This, as in, can I kiss you?"
Jihoon's hand is on the back of his neck, now, and their noses are brushing and Soonyoung, funny enough - or maybe not so much - can't breathe. The oxygen's been ripped from his lungs, but he's not floating in space; Jihoon's got him rooted to his own roof.
It's all just Jihoon. It's always just been Jihoon.
Somehow, he's able to force the words past his lips.
"You wouldn't mind that?"
"Not if you don't."
.
.
.
There was this thing Soonyoung had read about a while back - a star, billions of light-years away, massive enough to overwhelm its core with the sheer force of its own gravitational pull, had collapsed in on itself and exploded outward, ejecting its own mass. It shone nearly six-hundred billion times brighter than the sun, twenty times brighter than every star in the Milky Way combined. The most powerful supernova discovered in human history.
Jihoon's got his smile pressed against Soonyoung's mouth, his arms around Soonyoung's neck, and it's soft, soft, wonderfully soft - and Soonyoung can't help thinking, that supernova, that which released ten times more energy than what the sun will radiate in the next ten billion years - it's got nothing on him.