"Crying does not indicate that you are weak. Since birth, it has always been a sign that you are alive." ~ Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre.
Warning : Unapologetic angst and a lot of tears ahead.
She sat there in the eerie silence, thoroughly consumed by the nights tranquility, physically alone but in her earnest, she couldn't deny that warmthness she felt from the enveloping blanket of memories, ironically, as much as she despised them on hard nights, it was only because of them somehow that she got to experience some of the most beautiful emotions ever, it was only after remembering feeling disgusted so closely that she felt love, in its utmost percipience, and its strength always overpowered the hurt. And so, she let her mind wander off, figuring out for itself what was real and what wasn't.
Natasha remembered how when she had started to develop the lullaby with Bruce early on, with all the flirting and spending time with each other, how Steve never ever changed his approach towards her. He never distanced himself because she was attracted to Bruce. He was still her first phone call on a hard night, the first one she would approach if she needed someone to talk to, she even eavesdropped his conversation with Bruce about both of them 'deserving a win,' and she couldn't be more grateful to him for that. She could tell that he had just wanted her to be happy, with whom so ever it was, but even so, he never stopped being there. The way they'd trusted each other hadn't changed. Not one bit.
Wanda's words took her back to her conversation with Clint after the Ultron episode. She could recall it so clearly, the essence of his words still resonated in her ears.
The two of them were chilling after dinner in his room. It was his last night there and the day had been pretty straining because it was the day of Pietro's funeral. The entire experience was pretty heartbreaking, especially seeing Wanda and how broken she was, it wasn't easy at all.
"Are you sure you don't wanna come along? I'm pretty sure Fury would happily give you an off and the kids would be so excited to spend some time with their aunt."
"I know but I don't think now is a good time. I mean there's a lot of work to be done with the new recruits plus dealing with the remnants of Sokovia and the new compound needs to be managed too. I don't want to leave Steve completely overburdened with everything."
"With everything that's been going on in your world are you sure you don't want a break?"
"Clint. I'm fine. I've told you that like a billion times."
"But seriously Nat? Banner? I mean what were you even thinking?"
"I wasn't. Let it go now, will you?"
"You know, when we were on our way to Sokovia, there was this moment...Steve was discussing whose gonna head where and stuff and that guy, he just stated that he gonna get you and then you both are gonna take a back seat. Tony almost snickered at that and I'm not lying when I say that all of us OG Avengers, except Bruce that is, felt the exact same way. No one said anything though but the look I shared with Steve, that made it pretty clear that he too with all his heart believed that you'd fight. And you did, you rather even hulked him out." He chuckled at that. But Natasha didn't, her mind was still too occupied with what had happened.
"Tasha, I don't mean to hurt you, but I've gotta say this, you don't need to be with someone who undermines you or just because you think that he shares your self-hatred you two could bear each other. You deserve someone who has the ability to see the real you behind this façade you put up. And hey, I need to approve of him first." She chuckled a little at that, blinking a couple of times, trying to subdue the moistness in her eyes, she leaned on his shoulder.
"So you would have disowned me if I ran away?" She half-joked, but Clint could easily read off the unease behind that question.
"Retiring and disbanding the team are two very different things. And I know you well enough to know and hope that someday you might retire willingly, but you would never leave in medias res," she smirked at his terrible attempt at Latin.
"I'm really gonna miss you though."
"I bet you are cause I'm the best."
"Shut up you idiot. I'm probably gonna see you and the fam around Christmas but don't tell Lila beforehand else she'll eat you up."
"You're probably gonna end up on her Christmas wishlist anyway." She chuckled at that, knowing how much fun it would be to surprise her little one like that.
"Hey," she sat upright, turning around to face him once again. "I don't want you to feel guilty with whatever happened to Pietro. It was his choice and you aren't to be blamed in any way."
"Yeah. It just overwhelms me a little...thinking about it that way. With whatever he'd gone through and with everything that had happened to him, he really didn't shy away. I just feel like how much more precious my life becomes after this, like I've gotta really make it a good one, Tasha, for his sake, you know? That little punk, he had a real big heart."
"Yeah, that's true."
"I want you to remember this too, that we only have a handful of the forevers, we believe in we have otherwise. You've gotta let yourself breathe a little through life."
Natasha's mind went back to their brief interaction during Sokovia after Bruce had let her out and she almost chuckled at the memory.
"Avengers we're leading the civilians to the Townhall, try to meet us there." The moment Steve saw her heading towards him, he moved forward with Wanda towing behind.
"Rogers."
"Romanoff." The brief nod they shard was more than any courteous question of 'are you okay?'
"Is that my jacket?"
Steve turned his head towards Wanda and stated, "she's with us."
"Still doesn't explain the jacket." It was one of Natasha's favorite jackets but the truth of the matter was that she wasn't entirely in the mood to spare the teen, especially with what all she had done with Ultron and particularly, the memory she has shown her.
"Fighting these robots is getting us nowhere," Steve almost quickly cut her off, aiding Wanda's discomfort. The teen exhaled, looking away, she was already pretty shaken with whatever that was going on and Natasha's Black Widow stance wasn't particularly helping.
"The air's getting thin. If we go up much higher people are gonna start dropping," Clint stated while passing Natasha some of his armor and one of her guns he'd especially gotten for her from the compound.
Wanda's emotions were almost all over the place; there was guilt, fear and anxiety. And all together it was eating her up. She knew she had to do something. "There are people in the city still hiding."
"Steve nodded, "root 'em out." She instantly started off, desperate somehow to find some equilibrium. "Barton," Steve pointed his eyes in her direction and Clint, not missing a beat stated, "I got her six."
Natasha was a little surprised by his protectiveness, she glanced a brief look from the running teen behind, to him slowly, who was starting to pick up pace behind her. "What?" Barton asked but she, ignoring him, looked up at Steve, knowing that she had a lot of catching up to do, she decided to concentrate on what was needed to be done.
She walked up to him, knowing that, like all the other combat missions, they're going to be doing this one other too. "And us?"
"We fight robots." With that she finally pulled out her batons, ready to kick some robot ass.
Pietro ran in with his enhanced metabolism, handing Steve a robot arm. "Today? We fight robots today? Or is next month better for you?!"
And with an amused smile on their faces, the two of them ran along, ready to face the battle together.
She remembered the moment they'd met, it was all serious and professional, but she could see his lack of surprise, with the fact that she was alive, with the fact that she decided to fight instead of running away, but only to realize that he'd expected no less from her. 'Clint was right,' she thought. That was one of the things she really adored about Steve, he never considered her any less, never undermined her abilities.
Natasha's thoughts drifted off to how broken she felt after Bruce had left. With everything that was going around, she didn't even have Clint to talk to, but she could never even for a second say that she was lonely at any particular period of time, all thanks to Steve, who had always been there. He was her first phone call whenever she was upset or when she needed a sparring partner at 3 in the morning.
She mused on one particularly hard night, but also one which made her feel so much better about the entire ordeal.
"I wanted to run away, Steve. I wanted to hide," she stated, almost broken, shame and disappointment visible on her face.
"But you didn't. The important thing is that you didn't when the moment actually came."
"I don't even know why I didn't. I thought...I could be happy then. I could just forget about everything and...I don't know why I don't regret it...not running away. With or without him. But I just..."
"You weren't wrong wanting it; peace, happiness. But running away isn't really your thing, Nat. It never was. You face challenges Natasha, you fight them off with your bare hands. And that is who you truly are."
"How can you say that?"
"Cause I know you. And contrary to your plausibility, you're not a monster Nat," he said, looking at her, a small smile graced his lips, compassion and sincerity poured out of his words, the impeach of which threw her off the edge, once again.
Natasha looked at him, stunned. She had called her self a monster in front of Bruce. Something he didn't even care to respond to. She never thought Steve heard it.
"Bu-"
"Hold up, Nat. Stop being so hard on yourself. It's okay. It was a hard time. The memory Wanda had reminded you of along with the other things would make anyone lose it. And you didn't. I know you were attracted by the similarity in both of yours self-deprecating natures. You felt like the two of you could bear each other cause you both think the same way about yourselves."
"I felt like...I could deserve him." She choked, stating the truth in its utmost form; raw, brutal. Tears streamed down her eyes, warm and painful ones at that admission.
Steve pulled her in. Holding her close, he rubbed her back gently. Natasha grabbed onto his t-shirt, burying her head in his chest. Her mind bursting with memories, emotions and pain.
"It's okay Natasha. Let it out. I'm right here," he comfortingly told her, knowing that if she wanted to, she could hold everything inside and wear any emotion she'd want to on her face and that too very convincingly.
The entire conversation, her pain and Steve's gentle encouraging murmurers let her break the dam. She started sobbing and he continued to hold her, with moist eyes though. It hurt him so much to see her this broken, but even more when she tried to hold it in.
They stayed like that for a long time and finally when Natasha had calmed down enough, Steve gently picked her up in bridal style, startling her a little. He took her in and settled her on the bed and then he got in beside her, pulling her on top of him and tucking her well in the blanket, he held her so securely and all while, Natasha stared up at him, awestruck, with red-rimmed green eyes, only to notice the dampness in his.
It almost felt a little strange to be this comfortable while being so close to each other in fleeting moments of vulnerability, whether hers or his. They were only fleeting cause they were chased down, hunted upon so efficiently by the other.
'His assertiveness, in holding me so closely was necessary', she thought, analysing the situation, 'to prove me wrong...and he did.'
He softly placed a kiss on top of her head. And continued to rub her back every time she stuttered from the impact of her sobs. If insecurities were to be treated like this, then she would never have to feel exposed again.
Steve knew that Natasha was very capable of watching her back, but when it came to moments like these, he got very protective of her.
After about 10 to 15 minutes, when she had calmed down enough and almost asleep, Steve was a little surprised when in an almost worn out voice, she emotionlessly stated, "maybe I'm not meant for love."
He gently lifted up her chin to make her look at him. "That is not true Natasha." And she searched, searched in the sea of his baby blue eyes, for any slight spectrum of deception, a slight twinge of a lie, but she couldn't find any.
Sighing, exhaustedly she nestled back in, deciding to confront that demon some other time.
And once he was sure she was asleep, he softly whispered, "one day, whenever you're ready, you're gonna let me show you just how much I love you." But this was that part of the story that Natasha didn't remember because she was genuinely sound asleep, tucked and cozy, safe in his warmth.
And even though Steve's body was attracted to the idea of sleep, his mind was too determined not to. He wanted to engrave this memory in his mind, as if saving this soothing emotion for later, somehow to appease him and make himself certain that he tried his best to be there for her as much as he could, because no matter what, he'd always felt a little guilty for not being able to be there for her as much he wanted to, he'd always feel like it was less no matter what, for not approaching her sooner, when he had heard her call herself a monster in front of Bruce.
And though they did have a crazy, stressful day planned ahead of them, if you could see the tranquility on their faces, you would know that they'd prefer nights like these, with intense conversations and overwhelming emotions, facing their demons right next to each other over any other night of unsatisfactory sleep.
Suddenly, she had a compelling urge to see Steve, even if he was all but asleep. She just needed to be around him, with all of whatever was going on in her head, she felt incredibly unstable. She swiftly got up and almost ran inside, straight up to his room and didn't even bother to knock. She sighed as well as shuddered at the sight in front of her: Steve, completely awake, was standing beside the window, staring out at the rusty night sky, one which had no stars, but still contained in it's vastness, a sea full of galaxies. He didn't turn around though, he was completely oblivious to her presence. Strange.
She moved in and stood beside him, trying to get a glimpse of his face in the dim lit room. He was definitely lost in deep thought, but by his reaction, it was clear to her that he too, like her, had been awake the entire time.
"Couldn't sleep, could you?"
"After a day like today, I don't think I even wanna try." He smirked a little, finally looking at her.
"Why? Afraid you'd wake up in the ice?"
"Yes."
Natasha sighed, looking down, breaking the gaze they held each other with. Her question and his admission really didn't help with her brewing feelings of guilt and sadness. It was consuming her and now, seeing him like this, she felt even worse.
She looked back up, and very gently, she pulled him in for a much-needed hug. He was a little surprised by it first, but soon enough melted in, his emotions, just like hers, were scattered everywhere. Natasha could feel his tears moisten her shoulder, and it broke her heart, knowing that she had hurt him so much, making him cry yet again. "I'm really sorry Steve. I never wanted to hurt you. It's just that I can't imagine losing you...not saving me at least."
"But Nat-"
She held back, placing her palm on his cheek, "I know. I understand your instinct too, but Steve, I need you to know that you've kept me alive all these years by being there with me. I would have been long gone...given up way back if you weren't there to give me a reason." She fought those words out through her tears, trying to maintain her equilibrium with as much effort, as much as she just wanted to curl up with him and cry.
"You can rationalize your impulse to save me by saying that I'd do it too and you're right, I would. But you can't curtail my anger at the thought of losing you...I can't(italics)." A sob escaped her mouth at those last words, and he pulled her back into his arms, wanting to be close to her just as much she did. Somehow he only understood this part now, how she was afraid of losing him, even though he knew very well what it felt like, he couldn't decipher her anger against it until now.
"I couldn't live with it, Steve. I've carried a lot of baggage from all these past years, but this..." She sobbed, being as honest as she could. At this point, she knew she needed to show her vulnerability, to make him understand why what he did was so wrong.
"Hey...shhh...we're going to talk about this in a bit okay? But I need you to calm down first. Let's just cool down for a moment. I know you've had a rough day and all of this is terribly stressful."
They stayed like that for a few more minutes; guileless and unashamed of their inclination towards each other. Their presence, to one another was a desideratum. Finally finding some comfort after the unbearably long, tiresome day.
After the both of them had considerably calmed down, it was his turn to speak. Holding her gaze with as much fervor, he started pouring down his mind. "Neither can I imagine losing you, Nat. And as much as your mind tells you that you don't deserve me, you need to know that I can't go on without you. I don't have that...strength to lose someone again."
"Steve I-"
"Shhh. Do you trust me?"
"You know I do."
"Then please believe me when I say that you are not your past. Yes, you've done bad things with your own hands, but you didn't have a choice, Natasha. You were dehumanized in ways I couldn't even imagine, brainwashed into believing things about yourself that were never true. What about all the bad things that happened to you, huh? You've never even accounted for them. I've almost lost Bucky because of this, they electrocuted it into him, but with you, they replaced the code by all of these torturous techniques that torment you till date. Can't you see that you're the biggest victim of it all? Cause with each and every life they made you take, you killed a part of yourself too. Don't...please just don't let them dictate your life anymore Natasha. I beg you." Passionate tears were flowing down his cheeks, it was as if the dam had finally burst, he poured his heart out to her, almost drowning her in the flood of his solemnity.
He gently held her face with his hands, wiping the warm, thick teardrops with his thumbs, he paused for a brief second, letting the gravity of his words sink in.
"It doesn't make me selfish, does it?" She choked, hiding in the crook of his neck again, somehow still afraid of his answer. But he held her back, holding in his emotions too somehow, making her see through his deep baby blues once again, "I swear it doesn't."
She fell back in, and this time, he willingly held on too, his desire to make her see somehow just how much she mattered to him finally took over, making him shudder as a powerful sob wrecked his body, its impact shaking her to her core too. She held him as closely as she could, rubbing his back gently while soaking his T-shirt by her own tears.
As physically and mentally draining the entire situation was, it was also an emotional catharsis for the two former Avengers and neither of them realized how or when the night flew by, and the soft, subtle first rays of dawn found them huddled up in a tiny burrito in Steve's bed, cozily wrapped up together in the same warm woolen shawl that the two of them adored. And even though Natasha and Steve had always enjoyed the luxury of complete honesty and comfort in each others presence, their confession and confrontation the previous night had finally opened doors towards leading a life they deserved, with the ones who they truly felt for.
Because after all, Forever isn't a frame of time one encaptures, no one can, as Clint and Wanda perfectly stated. But rather it is this rigorous process of giving someone a reason to make their heartbeat and grasping the one that they provide you with all your might, entering into an infinite loop with it. Forever is achieved only when its elucidation becomes unfathomable.
And so, with the gentle strokes of the morning light that gleamed with joy at their precious enclosement, they took their first step into Forever.
~~~
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