“A youth with his first cigar makes himself sick. A youth with his first girl makes everybody sick.” –Mary Wilson
…I’ve loved you since we first met, in elementary school, when you were still this adorable, playful kid that always seemed to laugh, who liked to bring smiles and joy to others. I remember every touch, every whisper, every little snippet of conversation that seemed to follow me, haunting my actions, changing my perspectives. Your fleeting glances as they swept past me to land on someone else, your bright gray eyes as they twinkled at another girl. It’s hard to forget someone like you, but not impossible. But I suppose it’s all for the best, because after you read this letter, you might even be appalled by all I have to say to you, and besides, I plan to disappear for awhile, becoming no more than a faint memory of someone who loved you, a foolish, reckless crush that I could not abstain, nor wanted to. This is why I’ve sent this to you. It’s something to remember me by, a faceless girl that holds special regard in her heart for you, because I’m truly nothing special…”
I suppose that now I think about it, this whole story, this happening, would have never occurred in the first place if I hadn’t sent that love letter. Yes, in fact, I would pin everything down onto that love letter, which honestly cost me more trouble than it all was worth. But on the other hand, if I hadn’t sent that love letter, then he would have never taken notice of me, although he claims that the fact that he happened to be conveniently enrolled in the same college I was attending was completely, one hundred percent coincidental. I still don’t believe him to this day. That love letter, however, was only the start of my troubles.
-
Dinners in the Collins household were always hectic. My mother would be whisking around the kitchen, ladling whatever fragrant dish she had created that night into their respective platters, blonde hair flying as she lectured my sister and I for not setting the table properly. My father, on the other hand, was the more laid back parent, sitting on the old, worn leather couch, watching the semantics with an air of dignified amusement. Typically, I wouldn’t have put up with this kind of behavior, but since it was my last night in the house, on a school day, I viewed every action somewhat nostalgically, remembering all the small details to file away and analyze once I moved out for college.
Things like the way my father always loosened his tie and took off his coat to hang in our closet before dinner, how my mother had a nervous habit of tucking her hair behind her ear constantly, how my little sister loved to tug on my clothes to gather my attention.
I would miss them, there was no doubt about that, but at the same time, there was a part of me that yearned to be free, that itched and scratched from the inside out, begging for release. Tomorrow was graduation, the promise of new beginnings, a new start, a clean slate, far, far away from everything I’d ever known, including him. I didn’t know whether to think if that was a blessing or a curse.
For the first time in forever, I would be independent, a mature woman who had her own duty to the world, a fully-fledged chick leaving the nest to take the first leap, and to persevere in order to fly. As I truly opened my eyes to the world around me, I appreciated everything my parents had done for me, what they had sacrificed in order to take me this far. The weight of my responsibility rested on my own shoulders now, and there was no one else to ease my burden except me, myself, and I.
“Pass the salad, would you, dear?” my mother inquired to me.
“Of course,” I lifted the said bowl to her, narrowly missing my sister’s forkful of spaghetti headed towards my arm.
“Thanks,” was all she replied, keeping her eyes trained on scooping out portions onto both her and my sister’s plates.
“I don’t want to eat vegetables,” my sister whined, her hand already reaching out to pick out what she didn’t want to eat and throwing them back onto my mother’s plate.
My father and I shared an amused glance as my mom gave a loud sigh and resigned to eating, completely ignoring my sister. It was a routine by now; my mom would give Lyssa her assigned portion of greens, Lyssa would whine and put them back, and my mother would finish it up by letting out her infamous sigh.
“So, are you excited for your big day tomorrow?” my dad finally broke the silence, setting down his fork and looking intently at me.
“I think so, yeah, it’s a bit of a step for me, but I’m looking forward to it,” I continue eating my pasta. No more food like this for quite awhile, so might as well make the best of it. “I mean, it’ll be strange to go to school knowing virtually no one, almost like starting over.”
“That’s true,” he nodded thoughtfully, glancing towards my mother, who was starting to get that glazed-over expression in her eyes that meant she was about to cry.
“No, sissy, I don’t want you to go,” Lyssa exclaimed, clinging onto me for all she was worth.
I smiled and ruffled her hair. “Lyss, it’s my time to grow up, explore the world. I have things to do, things to see, and this is my chance, okay? Besides, I promise I’ll be home before you know it, and I’ll bring presents!”
She smiled adorably, her small dimples appearing. “Okay, sis,” was all that she replied simply, before focusing her attention back onto her pasta.
God, I would miss her, not to mention my parents, who had always been there for me since basically forever. But right now, was my time to shine, and this was my golden opportunity, waiting for me to reach out and grasp it, and damn it to all hell if anything was going to stop me. I thought of my friends momentarily and sighed as a brief flash of sadness came over me. I would miss them too, no doubt about that, but I was sure to make new friends at college. They weren’t exactly going to be part of my life anymore, and it was best to enjoy every moment while it lasted.
-
I adjusted the navy blue graduation gown that pooled at my feet, looking back at my floor-length mirror as I did so. I had practiced walking around in my room for hours, just in my gown and heels to ensure that nothing would mess up when I was on the stage. Because that would just be the highlight of my life: tripping on the stage while receiving my diploma and crashing into my principal. Delightful.
But everything seemed perfect, almost eerily so, and I was determined to keep it that way. Ripping the plastic covering my graduation cap, I took it out of its safety bag and gently placed it over my head, brushing aside my wayward locks as I did so. A gasp sounded behind me, and I looked at the mirror to see who was at the door.
“You look beautiful, Sasha,” was all my mother said before stumbling her way across my room and gathering me into a hug.
“Careful, you’re going to wrinkle her gown,” my father gently pried her arms away from my torso. She let go reluctantly, tears already starting to gather in her eyes.
“Stop, don’t cry, if you cry, then I’m going to end up being a bawling mess too, and I’d rather not be puffy-eyed in all of my graduation photos,” I joke half-heartedly, patting my mom on the back.
“Are you ready, then?” my dad asked from the doorway.
I took a hesitant glance back into the mirror and around my room. “As ready as I’ll ever be, I suppose,” I say, fiddling a bit with my hair. Taking one final look at the room, I realize that by the time I get back, I’ll no longer be a child. I'd finally be an adult, and that would change everything. So this would be the last time I stepped foot in my room still as a child. There really was no going back now.
By the time we’d arrived at the area where our graduation ceremony was being held, there was a massive crowd of teary-eyed parents hugging their children and wishing them luck, before finding their appropriate seats to watch them walk across the wooden stage. It was a clear and sunny day, not too hot, but with a cheery, gentle breeze ruffling everyone’s hair. The sunshine was infectious, and the people seemed to be in a good mood.
It couldn’t have been a better day to graduate.
And as the clouds parted, a ray of sunshine hit right in the center of swarming bodies, and I recognized a dark-haired head, a good few inches taller than everyone else. He raised his hand to wave in my direction, and for a moment, I seriously thought that he was waving at me. Luckily, I was too shocked with surprise, so I didn’t wave back, because there was a gorgeous girl coming up just beside me, waving enthusiastically back. Of course, why would he want to wave at you? I chided myself. He doesn’t even know you, let’s be real here, Sasha.
I turned, then, away from the couple in order to search for my friends. I spotted the glossy dark hair of Katie, my best friend, huddled among a group of other girls, laughing about some inside joke. I smirked a little, standing back and watching them. I would miss them too, for sure. “Hey girls, what’re we talking about here?” I tap Katie’s back.
“Just how we’re going to miss each other so, so much after today,” her lip quivered. Katie had always been the dramatic one of the group.
“Don’t think about it,” I advised, “just enjoy today, and think of the coming year as a new life.”
“That’s exactly it, though. I don’t want a new life, I want you!” she exclaimed, hugging me tightly.
“I’ll miss you, Katie,” I told my best friend of more than twelve years.
“Well, we still have summer, don’t we?” she laughed a bit, eyes still watering.
My smile faltered a little. What I hadn’t told her was the fact that I would be moving out early, right after this weekend because I couldn’t deal with the repercussions that my letter would cause. I wasn’t ready for it, nor would I ever be. She would kill me, but once she understood (eventually), she would forgive me. At least, that’s what I hoped.
-
We sat in our assigned seats, ordered alphabetically, of course, and waited patiently as the principal gave out her speech, then our valedictorian, Hailey Dalton. Then the name calling began.
“Adams, Ryan”
A small cheer of applause and shouts.
“Anderson, Kailey”
Another cheer, followed by polite clapping. Soon enough, it was the name before me, and then mine.
“Collins, Sasha”
I stood up, mouth dry as I forced my legs to walk slowly towards the wooden stage, all pairs of eyes upon me. The crowd was silent, but then Katie broke it by screaming, “Yeah, Sasha!” I giggled a bit and turned my head to flash her a genuine smile.
The students erupted in roars and random bouts of laughter, along with applause. My trembling hands reached out to take the certificate from the principal, and I shook hands with the vice, along with other School Board members. Descending the stairs was so much easier than ascending, and before I even reached my seat, the next name was being called. I sat down shakily, relieved that it was all over. I had done it.
The rest of the names passed by in a blur, and I was only aware of one other name being called. His.
“Ellis, Tyler”
He stood up, gave the audience a bit of a cheeky smirk, and strode confidently towards the stage. Taking the stairs two at a time, his lanky yet muscular frame towered over our principal as he shook hands with all the officials. Before descending the stairs again, however, he gave a little bow, pretending that he was some sort of famous celebrity. The air rumbled with the sound of the audience’s peals of laughter. I stifled a smile.
I cheered and clapped along with the rest of the students and their parents, not really paying any particular attention to them. Well, there goes another year of my life. It’s about time to close this chapter, turn over the page.
“Sasha!” my mother ran over to me, embracing me tightly. I inhaled the familiar scent of her lavender perfume, before being yanked away into my dad’s arms. “Picture time,” my mom held up her oversized camera and directed it at us.
I groaned. “Here we go again,” I mumbled, just quietly enough so only my dad could hear. He chuckled, the vibrations rumbling through his chest. After enough pictures to pretty much fill an entire scrapbook, my mom finally released us so I could find my friends again.
“Oh, I almost forgot,” she tapped a finger on my shoulder. I turned back around, but my complaints died in my throat as I saw the enormous bouquet of flowers that my mom had seemingly produced from nowhere.
I pulled her in for another hug. “You really didn’t have to, Mom.”
“There’s more,” she reached in her purse and pulled out a small jewelry box.
“You’re not proposing to me, are you?” I joke half-heartedly and watch as she presses the wrapped gift in my hand. I neatly tear off the paper and open the elaborate cover. Inside was a pair of gorgeous earrings, two silver hearts entwined as one. To show how much I loved them, I pulled her in for another hug.
“You’re welcome, darling,” she smiled at me, and then proceeded to shoo me away. “Go find your friends, I’ll take some more pictures later.”
-
I stripped off the gown once I got home, folding it back neatly along with the cap and placing them in my closet, at the very top. Hurrying over to my desk, I sit down carefully into the plush leather chair and pull out the key I wore as a necklace. Taking a deep breath before pushing the silver object into the miniscule hole on the drawer, I shut my eyes tightly before turning it in my hand. Lefty loosey, righty tighty, I repeated to myself, the mantra from when I was little still stuck in my head.
There was an audible click and pop as the gears within shifted, and the drawer opened. I reached inside, bringing out the pile of letters stored within. Shuffling through them, I started at the very beginning, back in first grade, when I had first met Tyler. Looking blankly at my almost illegible handwriting, I swallowed the lump in my throat and kept going, scanning through each envelope. Twelve letters, for twelve years.
Smoothing out the wrinkles of the most recent one, the one I had written just this last year, I prepared my pen and a piece of fresh, new paper to write my final letter. A final goodbye, my closure, so to speak. Because this was something I needed. Not for him, but for me.
And as I wrote, I chewed on the tip of my pen, something I often did when in deep thought. A bad habit, but a habit nonetheless. Thinking of all the instances when Tyler and I had crossed paths, I began to write, letting my pen take me where it wanted. By the time I had filled up three pages of my cursive handwriting, I had decided that I had said enough, and prolonged the wait for far too long.
Taking a cream colored envelope, I neatly placed all the letters in, starting from the very oldest, to the newest one I had just wrote. On a burst of impulse, I kissed the corner of the last letter, where my lipstick rubbed off slightly and left a mark. Something to remember me by. Scribbling a hasty note that I tucked in the front, where he’d be sure to see it, I sealed the envelope and ran towards my car to deliver it. I left it at his front door, rang the doorbell, and wasted no time in leaving before he could spot me.
What I didn’t notice, however, was the fact that he was watching from the upstairs window of his bedroom, his eyes following my car as I drove away from his house for the last time.
[so this happened. idk what to feel about this chapter, I suppose it's decent.... dedication to 17Serenity for making the gorgeous cover :)]