A/N : I love Jeffree Star, this is no shade to him in real life. This is just for the story, okay thank you all, goodnight!
Andrew
It wasn't a good day, and I was trying, I was trying so hard. It seemed that everything he said or did was rubbing me the wrong way. I never thought of myself the jealous type until today. I could see Jeffree rubbing Garrett's thigh casually, holding his hand as they walked through the stores. It was literal hell to watch Garrett flirt and be flirted with. It hurt to see, but it hurt even more when I realized that he seemed to enjoy it. I wished it was me holding his hand, whispering flirty remarks in his ear as we walked through stores.
I'd really lost it when Jeffree insisted he join Garrett in the dressing room to "help" him with his pants. But what could I do? I had to film. I sit on the love seat in the dressing room as the two make comments on the pants he was trying on, which by the way were definitely not for Garrett. I hated everything about this video, Garrett was perfect the way he was. Jeffree had even said it himself, he didn't want to change anything about him. That'd been the one thing we'd agreed on, Garrett was perfect in every way. I look down at my watch, it was only two thirty, I'd imagine this lasting until at least ten. I sigh and get ready to film the two coming out of the dressing room. I can hear Garrett laughing softly, which made me smile, at least he's happy. He opens the door, and I can tell he's uncomfortable.
"What do you think?" He looks to the ground, suddenly very shy. I pan down his legs, the pants looked okay, definitely not Garrett though.
"Well..."
"YOU LOOK FABULOUS!" Shane comes up from behind me, him and Ryland just now joining the rest of us.
"Really??"
"YES! I LIVE. YOU'RE GETTING THEM." Shane pulls out his card dramatically.
"I don't know... I don't really like them..."
"WHO CARES! YOU LOOK GREAT. Put them on my card!"
"Oh, no need, I have a tab here, it's on me." Jeffree casually fronts, smirking a little.
"Oh my god, queen."
I can't help but roll my eyes.
"Is there a problem?" My eyes widen, shaking my head.
"What? No. No, no problem here. I'm just tired."
"Well if you're tired I can have my crew come and film for Shane if that's okay?" Did he really just say that? I can feel the anger rising in my chest, my hands begin to shake, I bite my tongue to keep from going off. Blood begins to pool in my mouth from how hard I've just bitten it. I'm trying to keep my cool, but I really feel like I'm going to lose my shit. I don't say anything in fear of saying the wrong thing.
"I don't think that's necessary..." Garrett speaks for me, "Maybe we can just get some more coffee? Andrew? You and I could go get some while Jeffree and Shane discuss my hair situation?" I look to Garrett, the anger in my chest cooling down. He knows. He knows I'm upset, and I am so thankful for this opportunity to leave, and leave with him by my side and not Jeffree's. I nod.
"Uh, yeah. Coffee sounds great." I give the camera to Shane not even asking his permission, all I know is that I need to get out of that room now. "I'll wait out in the store while you change?" Garrett nods, and I get the hell out of there. My hands still somewhat shaking, of course, they weren't as bad as they'd been, but they were shaking still. I take a few deep breaths, trying to calm myself down before Garrett reached me.
His hand on my shoulder makes me jump, I realize it's him and feel myself calm down. My stomach is in knots after the conversation with Jeffree, and all I want to do is leave this place.
"Easy there tiger..." His voice is soft and calming. "Are you okay?"
No, hell no.
"Um..." I debate whether I should tell him how I feel or not, I decide that now is not the time, considering we still had a video to film. I nod and start walking out of the store.
"Andrew."
"Garrett, I'm good."
"No, you're not."
"Okay!!! So I'm not!! There's nothing anyone can do about it." I let him have this one, not wanting to fight.
"Well, what's the matter? Let me fix it..." I want to cry, I want to cry because here was this perfect boy who'd do anything for me, and here I was keeping us from being together. It was my fault that I was jealous, my fault that I was upset. I shake my head searching for something to tell him to ease his mind.
"It's not anything you can do, Gar. It's a me problem, I'm going to have to fix it within myself."
"Well can you at least tell me what it is?"
"I don't think it would change anything."
"It might..." I shake my head.
"No, it won't."
"Okay." He backs off, "well, let's get you some coffee then, my treat."
We head in the direction of the nearest Starbucks, not talking as we walk. I imagine what life would be like if we were to actually date. I'd be holding his hand as we strolled through the mall, we'd go to comic book stores for him, and hell I don't know where for me. I didn't really like the mall, but for Garrett, I'd go anywhere. Maybe Bath and Body Works? I really liked their candles. I imagine what life at home would be like, would we live together? I'd hope so, I imagine myself never wanting to be apart from him while we dated. Life with him was just so much more enjoyable. So why was I stopping us from happening?
I don't know.
I wish I did.
"Your usual?"
"Hmm?" Garrett pokes at me.
"Have you been daydreaming this whole time?"
"What? No."
"Yes, you have!!"
"So what if I have? And no I wasn't daydreaming, I was just thinking."
"Uh huh... Okay... So your usual?"
"Yes, please." He nods and goes up to order.
I wished we could end the day here, get into our car and just drive home. But I know that's not going to happen. I thank Garrett for the coffee and we head back to the store we'd left the group at.
"So you're really not going to tell me what's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong, I'm just... I don't know, I just... I don't know it's confusing for me to talk about."
"Well... If you figure it out will you tell me?"
"You'll be the first to know, trust me."
"I better be." He smiles warmly at me, I smile back. As much as I enjoyed goofy Garrett, soft Garrett was definitely my favorite. There was just something so amazing about him, the way he smiled when he knew I was upset like he wanted to make it go away. The way he'd rescued me today, he'd honestly saved me from an incredibly uncomfortable situation. Thank God, for him.
"What are you two grinning about? Oh my God, did you suck him off in the bathroom???"
"SHANE!" Garrett smacks him on the shoulder, "Enough, already!" But, I don't mind it. I laugh a little, thinking what he's said to be funny.
"I'm kidding!!!"
"Sure you are..."
"Well if we're talking about blowjobs I'd be happy to give a few pointers, I mean... I'd have to practice first..." Jeffree slides beside Garrett, bringing his hand around his waist, brushing my side slightly.
"Oh, excuse me," I muttered, stepping away from Garrett.
"Well, actually you might want to give Andrew some pointers," Shane points in my direction, "He's bi now, and living his best life." If looks could kill, Shane Dawson would be dead, the man had no filter.
"Oh is he?" Jeffree turns his attention to me.
"Yeah."
"Interesting."
"Is it?"
"I mean, yeah, it seems a couple weeks ago you were all over that one girl? Did you see the video?" I grit my teeth.
"It was like a month ago, yeah I saw the video, we don't talk anymore but thank you for your input."
"Andrew." Garrett shoots me a look.
"What?" I snap, I was almost at my limit.
"You want to go get a cookie? I'm hungry." I nod, handing the camera to Shane yet again.
"You two just got back?? Garrett, really??"
"I want a cookie, Shane!"
"Fine, but hurry back!"
It seemed that Jeffree was intentionally trying to make me mad, but I know he wasn't. It's just how he was, and that's what made it so hard for me to admit to Garrett that Jeffree was the one bothering me. I bite my tongue and decide to let it go. At the end of the day, I knew Garrett was my good friend, and he'd be with me, not Jeffree.
"Dude, you hate him don't you."
"I don't... He just... He pushes my buttons."
"I didn't even know you had buttons."
"Well, how could you? You never push them."
"Is that a bad thing?" I roll my eyes, smiling a bit.
"Do you really think that's a bad thing?"
"No."
"Then?"
"How much longer do you think we'll be filming tonight?"
"Hopefully not much longer."
"Because you're sick of Jeffree and ready to go home and chill?"
"Yeah... I mean, no. I mean, Garrett!"
"What? It's what you're thinking and we both know it."
"I know... But, I feel bad, I know you, Shane, and Ryland love him, and he's a cool guy... I just... I don't know."
"You just hate the shit out of him."
"I do not!!"
"Don't even lie!!"
"Don't make me lie then," I mutter. "What kind of cookie do you want?"
"I don't know... I actually shouldn't have anything, I really need to lose some weight."
"Garrett, don't even say that you're perfect how you are." He blushes but shakes his head.
"No... I really do, maybe I'll just get a smoothie, or something healthy." I shake my head, getting upset that Garrett feels this way about his body.
"Well, I think you're perfect the way you are."
"I could kiss you right now."
"I wish you would."
Fuck.
"What?"
"What?"
"You said..."
"What kind of cookie do you want?" I don't even know why I try to change the subject, he's grinning at me from ear to ear.
"You want... you want me to kiss you?"
"Hmm? Sugar? Chocolate chip? Peanut butter?"
"Andrewww!!!"
"Garrett!!" I point at all of the cookies.
"Seriously Andrew, you can't expect me to think about cookies when you've just sai- chocolate chip please when you've just said that you would like for me to kiss you." I begin to laugh at Garrett saying what cookie he wanted mid-sentence, he hadn't missed a beat. I order the cookies and pay while Garrett continues. "Like I was saying, you can't say stuff like tha-"
"Oh, and you can?"
"I mean... yeah! You're the one who says we can't be together, you're the one who's been shying away from the idea of there being an us, and for the life of me I can't understand why!!"
"I don't understand it either."
He's quiet for a while, I rack my brain for something to say, but I got nothing.
"Hey, we decided that's enough filming for today. Ryland was feeling really sick so he and I are going to ride home with Jeffree, was wondering if you two wouldn't mind ubering back to mine?" - Shane
I read the message carefully, I try to contain my excitement for this God awful day to be over.
"Sorry to hear that, no worries, we will meet you at the house."
"Did Shane text you too?" Garrett looks over at me, holding his phone up. I nod.
"So it looks like we get to go home, finally." I honestly couldn't wait to be home.
"I'll call the uber."
It doesn't take long for the uber to arrive, and soon we are both on our way back to Shanes house. Today had been probably one of the worst days I'd seen in a while. I lean my head back in the seat, closing my eyes I really was so tired. All I wanted to do was go to sleep, well okay... And a few other things, but I wouldn't think them, not while Garrett was in the car.
"So... Can we talk about today? What you said? You wanting me to kiss you, but not wanting us to date?" I sigh, I knew he was going to bring this up, he had every right to.
"Garrett..."
"What? You seriously can't blame me for being curious."
"I don't... I just... How do you expect me to explain it to you when I can hardly understand it myself?"
"It's just... confusing. I don't see what the big problem is."
"I know you don't."
"Stop saying that!"
"Stop saying what??"
"'I know you don't' just tell me what you mean by it. Is it the fact that you don't want to be seen in public with me in that way? Am I too loud? Am I too weird? I know you're used to these pretty girls with perfect bodies, and I know that I am nothing like that... But then I hear you telling me that I'm perfect and that you think I'm perfect how I am, and well damn Andrew, that's so damn sweet and all, but it's hard to believe when you can't tell me why you won't date me."
My heart breaks as I hear Garrett list all of the reasons of why he thinks I won't date him. He'd never been more wrong in his entire life about anything. I shake my head, knowing he can barely see in the dimly lit uber.
"It's not that." I pause before gathering my words, "Do you remember when we were... Well, we weren't really fighting, I guess... We just weren't really speaking?" He nods, I continue, "That was the worst time of my life."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, not talking to you, not having you around? I never want to experience that again. Life without you fucking sucks Gar. It really does, and I just... I can't go through that again. I can't have you not be in my life."
"It's not fair to me though."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean... I understand where you're coming from, and trust me, life without you sucks also. But if that's how it's going to be, I just wish you hadn't let me kiss you."
"Garrett..."
"I mean it."
"I... I didn't think it was that big of a deal, honestly, I didn't think you'd remember it."
"I know you're trying to make me feel better, but don't. You're just making it worse."
"Garrett... I'm sorry. I didn't mean..."
"I know you didn't. You never do."
"I'm so-"
"Can we just not talk for now?"
"Gar."
"Please?"
"Fine."
I wanted to take everything back. I wanted to say 'Just kidding! Let's date, let's be together, I'm ready,' I wanted to take his hand in my own, and pull him close. I felt awful about everything, I knew he was hurt, and I didn't know how to fix it. This was what I'd feared, this was what I'd wanted not to happen, what I had hoped to avoid. Why was I like this? Why couldn't I be a normal person, why was I so afraid that everything was just going to end up failing? For the life of me, I couldn't understand why. I knew I had to figure this out soon, there was no way I was going to put Garrett through this for another couple of weeks. I shake my head, there was just no way.