I hate meatballs. They're hard to eat and super gross unless you get the right kind.
Thankfully, Mrs. Nicolson makes her own homemade ones and tonight she's out in extra time to do so. This was the only reason why I was able to focus on anything but instead of the brown-eyed boy sitting next to me.
Ever since Kaitlyn has become adamant on us being - whatever she wanted, the space between us has become thick and I can feel myself putting a wall up.
It's not like Ryder's ugly or horrible or anything, but he's Kaitlyns Brother. He's seen me grow through the awkward stages, he wouldn't be interested in me.
His shoulder has literally been less than 2 feet away from mine for the past ten minutes and I don't think I can take it anymore. Just being next to him make me anxious.
"So, Aspen! What were you up to during the summer?" Kaitlyn's mom asks as I take a drink of iced tea.
"Uh..." I start, picking at the noddles on my plate, "Ya know, just the beach, reading, stuff like that. Though it wasn't much of a summer without Kaitlyn."
She winks at me from across the table as she smiles, confirming my great answer.
Mrs.Nicolson nods her head, "You still doing your art stuff?"
My heart stops and I bit my lip, watching everyone except Mrs. Nicholson, freeze as though they've been caught stealing.
The last time I had painted was last September ...before my mom passed away.
I swallow, desperately hoping for the nerves from Ryder to come back and overshadow these ones.
The topic of my mother wasn't tender anymore, it was easy to talk about her now.
It was just the fact that I was letting things I loved attach to her.
"Uh, not really." I mumble, looking down at my spaghetti, suddenly losing my appetite.
After my mom left, my whole world fell apart. She was the only other person besides Kaitlyn that I confided in, and not having her to come home to every day took a tole on me. There were even things I told my mom that I never told Kaitlyn.
So this past summer I never pulled out my easel or my paints. I never did anything To fix my dull heart because if I did it'd remind me of her. So, instead of going home to see that I had no mother painting at her easel, I opted for more beach trips and Romance novels.
Mrs. Nicholson doesn't seem to understand the uneasy silence and continues. "You used to paint beautiful sunsets, I remember that one time when-"
"Mom." Kaitlyn says through gritted teeth, interrupting her.
Her eyes go wide in question as her chewing slows.
Most people usually forget about me losing my mom, probably because I hide it so well. It's always been one of my biggest weaknesses, and I'm not one for pity.
I'd rather people talk about how sad I must be behind my back, than to my face.
After Kaitlyn gets a new conversation started, now chatting about school, we all fall into a rhythm. Them talking and me eating.
Though I was surprised when I felt Ryder's shoulder brush up against mine, him leaning in toward me.
"Maybe you'll start painting again this year? Things get easier."
His words send goosebumps up my arms and I bite the inside of my cheek, nodding. He wasn't talking about the painting, he was talking about grieving.
My dad always said things would get easier and they did. So instead of correcting him or asking what he would know about losing a mom, I smile
"Thanks."
I feel him shrug next to me as he scoops up the last of his food, pushing out of his chair.
I didn't look up until I knew he was gone. The dining room seemed empty now despite the girls across from me talking. It was as if we were in our own little bubble, telepathically communicating.
I shake my head, sucking in a breath of air as I poke my fork into a meatball.
How had the only person at the table who wanted to comfort me, been Ryder?
We were close, always have been. It was never a - who am I going to hang with when I go over, but it more just happened naturally.
Ryder knew when to go and when to leave while Kaitlyn and I were together. Tonight he had made his exit in perfect timing.
Though, part of me wished he'd come back and tell me things could get easier again. Just once more.
"I'm sorry about my mom," says Kaitlyn as we enter her room, finished helping her mom clean up. "She's the worst at remembering stuff like that."
I laugh it off and snuggle up against her giant teddy bear. Falling into the comfort of it.
At the end of the day I didn't have mom and that was...fine. But I had these people and that was more than I could ever wish for.
She smiles at me and turns around, her eyes playful. "You really like that spot don't you?"
I nod, "You try to tell me you haven't had a boy here but this is the yummiest smelling spot I've sat in all day." I tease as I rub my hand across a color-changing sequin pillow.
It was true, it smelled like maple and vanilla. Like breakfast in bed.
She stays silent and when I look up she's smirking at me.
"That's Ryder's favorite spot too. He was actually sitting in it when we came home earlier."
I feel my heart jump up my throat and then my cheeks warm. Our conversation at dinner plays through my mind and I blink it away.
I just said that Ryder smelled yummy.
"Oh." I say, bobbing my knee up and down. I felt out of place now, almost as if I was right up against someone in a large empty room.
She watches me but laughs after having her fun, returning to her closet.
Taking that opportunity I move over to the bed, flipping down on my stomach.
She shakes her head again, as if hearing my thoughts, "He wouldn't stop staring at you during dinner. At first, it made me sick, but then I just kept saying Ader in my head and it made it better!" She spins and holds up two shoe options, "Sneakers or wedges?"
"Kaitlyn it's not happening, stop being so allowing. This is Your brother we're talking about."
She scoffs, still holding the shoes, "But it's Ryder and that's different."
Biting my lip I push off her statement and eye the shoes, looking back to say, "You really wanna be that girl?"
It takes her a second to remember I'm talking about the shoes but when she does she nods curtly, "Sneakers it is."
A couple minutes passes of her rambling about some teen mom at our school and then I sigh, feeling my eyelids close the further down the sun goes.
"I think I'm going to head home." Pushing myself off the bed I stretch and turn to see what Kaitlyn thinks.
She nods and smiles, "Alright! You're picking us up, right? You have your outfit?"
I turn to look at the bags on the floor, "Yep, and if five bags from the mall aren't enough I don't know what is."
She laughs, pulling a hoodie on over her tank Edie's grabbing her phone and following me down.
She walks me out and when I hit the pavement outside the California night hits me, making me wish I had a hoodie.
We say bye and I walk the short distance between our houses, making it back in record time.
In those ten minutes nothing was on my mind and as I grab a glass of water and head into my room for the night I'm thankful for the silence.
➰
The next morning I wake up tired and groggy but after a cup of coffee and a shower I was ready.
After brushing my fingers through my hair I lean forward, rubbing a mascara mark off my cheek.
I couldn't believe i was up at seven in the morning again, about to embark on the mission that was 'the first day of school'
It was times liked these when I longed for the surf stop and sand between my toes instead of pointless syllabus's.
I guess I had one good reason to show though.
For my 17th birthday my dad took me to the city car mechanic that just so happens to be my Uncle. At first I was confused but after a couple of minutes, I was the most excited seventeen-year-old on earth.
➰
"Hi, Uncle Carl!" I chirp as we stride by some of the older vehicles.
One catches my eye, the pink pastel paint looking vintage next to the common Honda.
That's amazing! Did you fix that up for someone?"
It was normal for people to take their old antique cars to Carls Auto repair, he was one of the best in town.
"Yes, I did." He replies, bowing at me, "I hope she enjoys it. She's turning seventeen today."
My heart skids to a stop as my eyes widen.
"Happy birthday honey!" My dad says, scruffing up my hair.
My mouth falls open as I move my gaze to the pastel pink 1950's Cadillac. "I. Love. You guys."
They both burst into laughter as I run up to the driver's side door, eyeing the new white interior.
Finally something good.
➰
So here I am, peering into that same white interior as I sling my bag in the passenger seat.
My car has been in the garage all summer. With no friends to drive around in it, I felt spoiled rotten with an antique car, driving around in the good parts of Santa Barbra.
It wasn't clear back then but it was now, my father was just trying to fill an absence that could no be filled. I loved him for it and appreciated the effort. But Nothing could replace mom.
After hopping in and using the automatic button to open the garage I pulled out of the driveway into the dawn of seven in the morning. When I pulled up to Kaitlyn's house she was nowhere in sight, so instead of honking I unbuckled and headed up to their door, hollering as I step inside.
I had barley shut the door before I heard Kaitlyn.
"Help! SOS SOS SOS, major sinkage over here!"
She was hanging over the banister and waving her arms at me. As I flew up the spiral staircase, taking two at a time I laughed.
My best friend could have been dying and people wouldn't come, ten times out of ten it was a false alarm, but I always loved adrenaline stuff.
"Woah where's the fire?" Ryder asks as I run past him up the stairs.
I laugh, turning back to look at him.
No nervous butterflies in my stomach. Good.
"Your sisters room apparently, here." I say, throwing him the keys, "Cars outside!"
Without another glance back I run up the rest of the stairs.
As I round the corner into Kaitlyns room I see all the new clothes she bought scattered on the floor.
"Kaitlyn these are new! Why are they-"
"I know I know!" She screeches, getting up from her crumpled position on the floor, "I can't find the white tube top! That was essential! And-"
As her eyes scanned down my outfit, they widen, "You look amazing! But please go use my curling iron. We still have thirty minutes and you gotta do something about that beach hair."
I laugh and kick the door shut behind me, pulling off the white crop top wrapped around my body, "You didn't buy it cause it was thirty bucks remember? Overpriced as hell. Here, wear this. I'll find something in your closet."
She beams at me as she flings off her robe, revealing a little too much for my eyes. I pinch them shut and make my way into the bathroom, waving off her thank you's.
After about fifteen minutes we were both ready.
"Ready?" I ask, pulling on her light blue 'Santa Cruz' tee.
She nods, sliding her arms into a jean jacket, "Yeah, thanks."
I nod and laugh as we make our way down the stairs.When we step outside my whole body tenses up and I bump into Ryder's tall frame.
Stupid butterflies. I thought we were done.
"That's yours!" Ryder shouts at me, a grin plastered on his face.
I had almost forgotten I never told them. They had already left for Georgia by the time my birthday rolled around and Kaitlyn wasn't allowed to call the first three weeks for family time.
I stutter nervously, feeling ashamed for a split second as I watch them marvel over my car.
"You're dead!" Kaitlyn screams as she runs to the passenger side, sliding her fingers along the pink Cadillac.
Ryder laughs as he nudges me with his elbow, "I think I might have to kill you myself."
A scoff escapes my mouth, the initial shock fading. I hadn't driven it in forever but when I had gotten it my reaction wasn't too far off from there's.
After realizing that they weren't disgusted or...well I don't know, repulsed. I smile.
"Come one, wait until you see how it feels!"
Ryder laughs as I grabbed his arm and drag him to the car. It wasn't until my skin touched his that I realized what I had done. It had been a habit to hit and tease Ryder, whether I was pulling him or tugging him, we were always touching each other. However, the muscles that tensed up under my hand as I pulled him along were never there before.
After we jump in the tension disappears and is replaced by music from the radio.
"We're here!" Kaitlyn chimes as I pull in. "Why am I excited about this?'
"Easy." Ryder says, leaning forward over the console, "You spent half your birthday money on that outfit and showing it off is the only thing you'll receive back."
He pats her on the shoulder and she shrugs him off, "Can it Mr. Two pairs of jeans and no variety."
I shake my head, laughing as we all open our doors, bags in hand.
The pavement stretches out in front of us, kids walking from their cars to the main doors. Kaitlyn hip checks me and I smile, laughing until I feel Ryder's him bump mine.
It's been an accident but even as I looked up and said sorry I realized that something was different.
In what world would I ever say sorry for something so minor?
➰
Hey guys! I hope you enjoyed todays chapter! :)
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Muah Xo