"Have you guys seen this?" Clair asked, sitting down with Gill and I at lunch. Clair showed Gill and I video on her phone. Gill and I both watched the video, which was a bit shakey and out of focus, but you could still tell what the person was filming. It was a video of me, as Shadow-Man, helping a man who was being mugged that was posted online. The person who had, evidently, filmed me was talking very excitedly, and loudly, in a way that reminded me of Gill.
"Are you guys seeing this?!" A male voice asked, zooming in on me beating the shit out of a mugger. "This dude just came over here and started wailing on this criminal!"
At that point in the video, about three other men came over, and started beating me up. I remembered that night, and remembered that the other people who showed up were friends of the man I was beating up. He was in a gang, and the other people he was in it with were apparently very dedicated and loyal to each other.
"Look at this! He's fighting off four huge dudes!" The voice exclaimed. "Can you believe this! He's totally holding his own against all four of them! This is the coolest thing ever! This guy's just running around in a costume, beating up criminals like it's no big deal! He's a real life superhero!"
Soon after that, the video ended. I wanted so bad to start freaking out, and I could tell that Gill did too. Someone actually called me a superhero, and it was someone other than Gill. The entire feeling was so surreal, and I was having a hard time believing that the whole situation was even real. I mean, how was I supposed to just accept, without question, that I, a sixteen year old transgender student with no ambitions or special skills, could be the first superhero, that we knew of, in the world? It just can't be done.
"That's pretty cool." I said, trying to keep my secret from Clair.
"Of course you think it's cool." Clair hissed, lowering her voice as if she was about to tell Gill and I the darkest secret in the world.
"What do you mean?" I asked keeping my voice low too, just because Clair was.
"Do you really expect me to believe that this has nothing to do with you?" Clair asked. "You got into a couple of fights and saved a couple of people, and that's what made you and Gill start talking about the possibility of you being a superhero. You kept coming to school with bruises and cuts everywhere, you've told your mom that you've been at my house, when you haven't come over since the first mugging, and there's all of a sudden some kid running around beating up criminals. I know that this is you."
"You're right." I said, looking Clair right in the face. There was no point in hiding it anymore. "At night, I dress in that suit, and run around and help anyone who needs it. My superhero name is Shadow-Man, and I love being him." Clair's face softened.
"Ty, why didn't you tell me?" She asked.
"I didn't know how you'd react. Gill has known this whole time, and he has been so supportive of me, but I thought you would try to convince me to give Shadow-Man up."
"Ty. I don't like the idea of you running around every night, beating people up and risking your life, but I don't want you to be unhappy. I support you." Clair told me. I nodded my thanks. "Now tell me everything."
I told Clair all about me being a superhero, and all about Steven and Warren. Clair listened closely, and payed attention to Gill when he made comments too. Clair wasn't nearly as excited and supportive as Gill, but she still listened and let me talk. She shared her genuine opinions with me, which wasn't always something that I wanted to hear, but she was never mean or discouraging, so that was nice.
"Is this what you and Gill have been hiding from me? Or have you guys been hiding anything else?" Clair asked, eyeing Gill and I carefully. I had the feeling that Clair was already suspecting something else. I watched Clair, trying to figure out what she thought she knew, and Gill was doing the same, even as I took a drink from a bottle of water.
"What else would we be hiding from you?" I asked, not at all prepared for the answer that I was about to receive.
"Uh, I don't know, how about you two banging the other night?" Clair asked sarcastically. My eyes widened, but I barely had time to wander about how Clair had come to that conclusion when Gill started choking on his water beside me.
"You think we did what now?" I asked, thinking that there was no way that Clair thought that Gill and I were hooking up.
"You heard me." Clair sassed, sounding offended. I leaned forward, getting rather close to Clair, planning to set the record straight.
"Look, I don't know why you would think that Gil and I were hooking up, but I assure you that we're not. I love Gill, but not in that way, and even if we did like each other like that, we would be a healthy couple, not just a quick bang the other night. Either way, I am not interested in having sex at all. I'm a boy, who's living in the body of a girl, and I have been uncomfortable in my own body for as long as I can remember. I most certainly wouldn't feel comfortable letting somebody else in my body." I growled. I might have been just a bit more angry with Clair than necessary. Clair just stared at me in shock, not really knowing how to defend herself I guess.
"Yeah, and, uh I-I don't feel that way about Ty either. So..." Gill added, his face red from blushing.
"I'm...sorry." Clair said, hanging her head down in shame.
***
"You seem angry." Warren said later in the day. I was beating the shit out of a punching bag, trying to burn off some steam. I was still unjustifiably angry with Clair thinking that Gill and I had hooked up.
"I wonder why." I responded sarcastically, hitting the punching bag as hard as I could.
"Did something happen at school?" I could hear the concern in Warren's voice. I had grown fairly comfortable with Warren, and had learned to trust him. Warren and I talked while we exorcised, or even made small talk while we were fighting. We both talked about our days, or our interests, just stuff like that. It was nice I guess.
"Clair found out that I'm Shadow-Man, and then accused Gill and I of sleeping together." I growled, continuing to beat up the punching bag.
"Those are two wildly different topics. I think."
"They are. Clair jumps around a lot. She really crossed the line this time though."
"Because she said that you were sleeping with Gill."
"Yes!" I stopped beating on the punching bag. "Why would she think that?"
"to be honest, I though you and Gill were a couple too."
"Us just being a couple is a lot more likely than just a quick one night stand."
"So you two aren't a couple?"
"No! Gill's great, he really is. He's funny, and smart, and really, really supportive. He's my most favorite person in the whole wide world, and i'm convinced that I'll never meet anyone else who's even half as fantastic as he is. Honestly, Gill doesn't look bad, and I think he's handsome, and he gives some of the best hugs in the world. I love Gill, I really do, but not in that way." I said, kind of just letting myself talk.
"You sure about that? You sure you don't want to be his boyfriend?" Warren asked with a subtle hint of amusement that I didn't notice at the time.
"No, I don't. Being Gill's boyfriend would just be weird. Just, I don't like the thought of kissing Gill on the lips. Or, him hugging me towards him even more than he already does, and draping his arm over my shoulders, or holding my hand, or the two of us cuddling close together while we took naps at one another houses. I don't like the idea of Gill telling me he loves me, and showing me off to everyone as if I'm the most valuable human being on the planet. Or Gill just randomly kissing me on the cheek, or picking me up and literally sweep me off of my feet, or just stare fondly at me and softly telling me that he loves me, and me telling him that I love him while meaning it with every fiber of my being and just feeling like I'm on cloud nine during every second I spend with him. The idea of me wanting any of that with Gill is just..." I trailed off in realization, and looked up at Warren, my mouth hanging open. The smirk that Warren was already wearing shifted into a very wide grin as he watched me realise everything I had just said.
"Oh my god." I said breathlessly. "I'm in love with my best friend."
"Only a little. You can hardly notice." Warren joked with a little wave of his hand. I smirked, oddly relieved but Warren joking during what i had considered to be a serious situation.
The more I thought about it, the more it actually made sense that I was in love with Gill. I was so fond of him, and I was always so happy when I was around him. He made me feel like I was important, and that my life was actually worth something. I guess I never really noticed how Gill made me feel, because I always just thought that everyone felt the way I felt about Gill. I thought that Gill just put off the type of energy that made everyone want to hug him, and want to be around him at all times. It never occured to me that maybe, just maybe, not everyone felt the same way towards Gill as I did, and it wasn't until I actually sat down to think about it that I realised this.
I realised that people didn't act the same way towards Gill as I did. That I was more clingy, and touchy, than others were with Gill. I realised that I spent more time studying Gill's face more than anyone elses, and that I paid more attention to the way Gill's lips moved when he talked than I ever would have with anyone else. The more I thought about it, the more clear everything became, and the more I understood that i was in love with Gill, and that there was no sense in denying it anymore.
"Oh god." I sighed, covering my face and rolling onto my side in bed, finally falling asleep after a long day.
I was very, very awkward with Gill after that. I wondered if Gill felt the same awkwardness that I did, but prayed to God that he didn't. I just didn't really know how to act around Gill anymore. I figured that acting the same way that I always had was the best way to go, but the way that I had always acted towards Gill was me being in love with him without even knowing it. So then it occured to me that maybe I should tell Gill how I felt, but I quickly shut that idea down. I knew that Gill was bi, even though he had only dated girls before, but I didn't know if he would be interested in me at all. I was worried that he would decided that he didn't want to be in a relationship with a boy who 'wasn't really a boy'. So, suffering in silence became my only option.
This was going to be an adventure.