"Hey, Danielle," said my nard friend, Ryan.
"I told you not to call me that..."
"You said I could."
"I regret that..."
Ryan had invited me over to his house. He's a scrawny, super tall guy with brown hair and high-prescription glasses. He and I were on and off constantly. It was the same pattern: He irritates me somehow, I get mad at him, we pretend to hate each other, and then he starts talking to me again knowing that I'll respond because... I don't know...
Currently, we were playing on his PS4 some sort of brawling game that he was crazy good at... And I thought I was the Brawl King.
"Maybe when it comes to Smash Bros, you're number one, but when it comes to these games, you don't stand a chance."
"Had I known the basic controls and figured out earlier that your character is custom made with DLC power-ups, I would have decided that this is not a fair game to play," I said as I threw the controller on the table. "Make this any other game, particularly Nintendo, and I would have wiped the floor with ya."
"Some talk for a lonely loser who doesn't see the light of day."
"Looks who's talking."
I'd like to think that this was just playful bickering.
"Whatever," I said as I opened my laptop to my email.
He peeped over my shoulder as always to see if I have anything juicy in my inbox.
"Is that Andy?" he asks, pointing to an email address that reminds me of a demon ready to swallow.
"What about him-her?"
"Gah, tell me their gender!"
"Why should I?"
"I just want to know! It's been killing me!"
"Why do you care about the gender of my ex-who-isn't-even-my-ex? At this point I really don't."
"I'm just really curious! You like never tell me anything and expect me to just be there whenever when you don't have to do anything for me!"
He did not just say that to me... Who helped him ace his math midterm? Who helped him study for all his science tests? Who wrote basically more than half of his essays that he scored an A on? Who sacrificed track so that he could be in a sport that's not even challenging? Who was it that took such a big hit that ended up getting a mom to think her son needs therapy? Who was it that forgave him for every single time he hid something important from me, talked trash about me behind my back, low-key dissed me in almost every conversation, and for calling me a tool that everyone uses when he's the definition of the handy man?!
Yeah, no, I don't EVER do anything for him, of course. He's obviously there for me much more than anyone else.
Like that time I went online to find myself being lured in by predators and he just said that I'll probably find someone online. Or that time I was really nervous about entering gymnastics for the first time and he openly called me a Holocaust survivor. Or that time I was crying so hard from a fight with my family and he straight-out said that he doesn't want to hear about my life and that I probably aggravated my so-called family. Or that time he got me into so much trouble and ignored every word about how I was suffering from my mom's disappointment just because he thinks he was the only one who had it bad (just a note, I was told that I'm not getting enough love, that I'm probably a depressed weirdo, and that I need serious therapy).
Yeah... always there for me... Never have I ever done anything for him...
"Dude... let's not get into that..." I said, just wanting to not explode...
"I just wanna know!"
"Fine, if you really wanna know so badly... I'll give you hints."
"Ugh, fine..."
"Number one: What was the first gender that I ever liked?"
"That's easy... girls. So Andy's a girl."
"And why do you say girls? How do you know it wasn't a guy?"
"Because it- oh... gah! That's not fair! Give me another hint."
"I would feel most comfortable around this gender if we were alone..."
"Um... well, you have a lot of friends who are girls, so I'm going to say that Andy is a girl. I'm right!"
"And what makes you think that?"
"You told me that when you were in your questioning phase that you felt more comfortable around a woman than a man."
"In that situation, maybe."
"So am I right?"
"You tell me."
"Come on!"
"I'm loving how you still haven't picked up on the lesson I'm trying to teach you."
"Lesson?! What lesson are you teaching me by making me try to guess this person?"
"I haven't told you the gender on purpose. When you can tell me the lesson, I'll give you the last hint you'll need to assure your answer."
"But that's not- come on!"
I start just walking around the basement aimlessly, taunting him as I walk. He's very close-minded and always stereotypes. Hopefully this will make him think outside the box a bit more.
"Fine," he said. "Is the lesson that gender doesn't matter?"
"Because..." I gesture him to continue.
"Because... gender is just one part of a person and doesn't determine love. Is that good?" he asks while typing away on his laptop with his eyeballs moving across the screen so fast.
"Good enough, I guess."
"So, what is he or she?" he's starting to get all bubbly and anxious like a kid waiting for his parents to tell him what car they're going to get him for his fifth birthday.
"Your last hint-"
He groans.
"What..." This will probably reveal two things about me.... "Between straight and gay... what have I classified myself more as..."
"Gay..."
I nod slowly.
"So Andy's a guy."
"Good job, Einstein."
"You could have just told me."
"If I can make you think outside the box when it comes to these social issues, I'm willing to keep something like this. Just be lucky I told you. I really didn't have to."
"Well, I feel good to know now."
We started playing Just Dance 4. He's supposedly a master at this game because when I look at all the top scores for each song, I see his name for the top 10...
I chose the songs that were really catchy and upbeat. One of them being Lady Gaga's "Born This Way." I recently started listening to this song and found myself hooked to its rhythm, beat, and lyrics. I would sometimes sing along to the lyrics while trying to find a way to move my pelvis up with three of my limbs on the ground for a move.
Overall, I managed to beat him in more of the songs, somehow... They mimic a lot of the cardio moves that this instructor I follow does, so I didn't find it too hard to follow along.
We'd decided to take a breather.
"Hey, Danielle," he started saying. I put my hand up and signaled him to shut up. "Danny, do you remember that day you were so loopsy at the park that we had to carry you to a bench?"
That day... the day the nards saved me...
"What about that day?" I asked with a grimace on my face.
"Nothing. Just wanted to know if you remembered it, too."
"Yeah... okay."
"Speaking of, do you still talk to those guys?"
"You mean the other group members?"
"Yeah."
"No."
"Why not?"
"The nards- er, guys in our group and I... we just didn't keep in touch. I mean I've texted them a couple times before, but we never really talked."
"They're probably not the right group of people. That's why you left that girl's party, right?"
"Right... I guess..."
"Speaking of, how are you?"
"What?"
"How's your mental health?"
"Fine, I guess..." I hate where this is going.
"Did you go to a therapist yet?"
"No, not yet...."
"I figured."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It just seems like you're still unstable and something's wrong."
"Um..." I think I'm starting to remember something...
"I'm still confused. Why did you go online to find people in the first place?"
"I was lonely... You know?"
"I know. You're always saying that."
"Because you always ask!"
"All I ask is why they make you feel alone. I don't tell you to tell me that you're lonely." Real nice response.
"Alright, yeah, I guess it's because I don't trust my family. I don't trust the people who pretend to talk to me as though I'm a friend when I'm really just a tool for them to use."
"I know. You have to stop letting people use you like that." Of all people to tell me that...
"I just don't know how to tell people no... If I can help someone, I don't know how to reject giving them that help."
"I get that, but seriously. It seems to be giving you issues like your 'loneliness,'" he puts in very dramatic air quotes.
"What is 'loneliness,'" I copy his air quoting, "supposed to mean?"
"I don't know. I guess I just find it hard to believe that loneliness is your only issue."
"Why do you find that hard to understand?"
"Well, I've gone through loneliness my whole life. I'm perfectly fine," says the one who goes for family outings every week and talks about how much fun he has with them. "So, because it's not that bad for me, I highly doubt it would be that bad for you." That's it.
"Let's get something straight here: Has nobody ever taught you that one thing that affects one person will not necessarily affect another person in the same way?"
"I mean, I get that everyone is different, but it's just being alone. I don't get why you have to think that's your only cause of depression. There must be something else wrong with you." Inside my head, I'm grinding my teeth and getting ready to knock his out.
"Dude..." I'm extra by taking a super deep breath. "I understand that you're trying to help and that you think that what you're saying is supposed to help... but it's only making me feel worse."
"Well, sooorry. Just telling you the facts."
"Dude... I feel like you're the only one who ever thinks this way about me."
"Well, yeah, because I know that I'm right. There's something else wrong with you, Daniel," he smiles and giggles a bit.
Something had finally clicked in my head. I am way too forgiving... that's why I'll always talk to him again... And I'm not talking forgiving as in "wow, you haters out there are so lowly and need to get a life." My whole life I've adapted to giving people numerous second chances... my family had threatened to kick me out of the house for my habits ever since I was just a toddler, so I had always begged for second chances... I guess that's why I wanted to give people second chances... because they'd give me one... But I realized one more... I remember why I've been trying to cut this guy off from the beginning. I remember why I've felt worse around him in the long run for over five years...
"What did I say about calling me, Daniel... I don't like that name..."
"It's just funny seeing you get mad and hurt like that. You're way too sensitive."
It's because he's one of the most insensitive jerks outside my family I have ever met! Why did I not see this before?!
"You're not allowed to call me that..."
"And why not, Danielle?"
I took a deep breath and looked up at him straight in the eyes.
"Only. Friends. Can call me nicknames."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Exactly what it sounds like."
"So you're just cutting me off? Yeah, right. You've tried that too many times, but then you realize I'm someone who actually cares." I don't get what kind of nonsense this guy is talking about! Here's something that I would remember for the rest of my life: he has never been someone who actually cared and has only caused me harm that he didn't have to feel bad about because I would freaking forgive him EVERY SINGLE TIME!!
"Yes. Now leave me alone...." I said, looking away from him.
I gathered my belongings in my sling bag and headed for the front door.
"Mom! Danny's leaving!" he says.
She comes to the front door to see me out.
"Hello, Danny. Did you have a good time here? Did you get anything done?"
Ryan looked at me with a death stare.
I look at Ryan's mom with a smile and give her an honest answer. "Yes, we found out a lot and were able to decide on some things we were having difficult times with. Thanks to coming here, I was able to let my mind relax and have its peace... So, thank you for letting me come over. I wish you well." I said as I waved and walked outside to my car.
Ryan followed me to my car door. When I got to my car, he didn't say anything.
"You better not come back. If you ever show your face in this neighborhood, I'll get you for it."
"I'm welcome here anytime I want, remember? After you got me in that serious trouble with my mom? You're welcome to come over to my house, and I'm welcome to come over to yours. Just not over email. Besides, I no longer have any reason to return."
"You jerk..." he says as he tightens his fists.
All of a sudden he jumps on me, trying to give me a black eye. I grab hold of both of his hands. He is weak, but I guess he's been using his dad's fancy rich people workout equipment.
A voice inside of me calls out to my brain and tells me to go haywire. The next minute when I become aware of this voice, Ryan is already bruised and is so petrified by my rage that he refuses to get up. It seems like he's too scared to run.
I talk down to him. "I'll tell you this one more time. Leave. Me. Alone..." I say as I hop into my car and speed away. I look in my rearview mirror, and he's still staring at me leaving. That wouldn't be the first time my boiling blood has gotten people off my back... wouldn't be the first time it was someone who wasn't my family...
I take several deep real breaths to calm my nerves. I'll be shaky for a while, but my mind is clear enough to know that I did the right thing... Maybe not the scarring-his-mind part, but I stood up to him... and from here on, I wouldn't let that nard bother me again...