A/N: Try to listen to the song Maybe by Jensen Gomez and Reese Lansangan as you read through this.
//
She poured the unfinished coffee down the sink with her mind running in circles and asking herself Is this how it's supposed to be? Throwing away what you wanted at first just because you can't seem to find yourself to finish it?
She entered their room. Memories came flashing in like a playback of a movie. The worst part is she can't seem to find the button to stop it all.
The way his mouth would be pressed into hers as if telling her that this is not my lips- this is a passage way to my soul. I want you to see through me. I want you to learn everything about me. And that's what she did. She traced him perfectly like a ruled line. She learned everything about him more than what she did in her whole entire career. And when he lacked, she filled every space for him. She put her best effort to understand him. And understanding him costs her too much.
She opened their closet and his monochromatic wardrobe greeted her. She removed his shirts from the hanger. She brushed her fingers on the hem of his favorite shirt as if she wants to leave traces of her in his things. Despite what's bound to happen, she wants him to remember her.
The fall of the water from the bathroom stopped. A few minutes later, a beautiful man came out with only his pants on revealing his chiseled chest.
"You didn't have to pack my remaining clothes. I can do it on my own." He muttered, oblivious of his annoyed tone.
"I-I just wanna help." She stuttered with the fear that she made him angry. He was caught off guard. It wasn't his intention to scare her. It's just that they are over. They should be minding their own business from now on. He'll leave the house and they would continue living. Independently. Separately.
"You didn't have to." He whispered, softer this time.
A deafening silence enveloped them. No one bothered to let a word slip out of their mouths.
He went down the stairs with his luggage while she is on his tail. Upon reaching the front door, he turned to her.
"Sooyoung, I-"
"Don't. Save your parting words. Just please leave, Sungjae." She doesn't need another reminder of why it hurts. Her chest has constantly been the target of the bow and arrows that he holds. She doesn't know how she endured it for the past couple of months. Eleven to be exact.
She can't even look at him. How is she supposed to? He is wearing his goodbye like a newly pressed tee -proud and unregretful. She wants to hate him. But she can't. She can't meet his eyes because that meant she's willing to forget. She can't meet his eyes because that meant she's never seeing him again. She can't meet his eyes because that meant the last time she's going to tuck in her mind every part of him.
And she doesn't want any of it. She loves him so damn much that even if it hurts, she'll be here, letting him go but silently wishing from afar that he would come back.
Sungjae was about to protest but he decided not to. He has hurt her too much. He played the role of an asshole so well. So well he could get a fucking Grammy award for it. But who was he kidding, his heart ached so much seeing the girl he once adored, cherished, and loved being in a bucket of pain. And what kills him more is that he is the reason behind it.
He turned his heel and walked away from the house. When the door clicked, Sooyoung rested her frame on the door. The storm in her came rushing. The wind blowing two hundred fifty kilometers per hour tried to lift her walls, her walls that became the home of every piece of him. The rain falls on her seeping through every wound he perfectly installed in her chest.
That night, she cried her heart out. She let the tears fall like the showers in the hotel room whenever they would go for a vacation. She ruined her face that's been a picture of void emotions. She never lets him see that she's hurting in the hope that he would stay. What she didn't know is that it is the reason that drove him away further.
Days passed into weeks. Weeks turn into months. She's getting the hang of it. Slowly learning to get used to this -this feeling of waking up and knowing the she can't get to him anymore. Every morning she would pat his side of the bed as soon as she wakes up. She'll laugh at herself remembering that he's gone. She'll wash up, have breakfast and go to work. At night, she would hug his pillow close. Yes, it sounds pathetic. But what can she do. This is the only way for her to live without his presence. She had been too dependent on him that she forgot how it's like to live on her own. Yes, she's living. But everyday she asks herself Have I ever been alive since I last held him in my arms?
If Sooyoung's a mess, then Sungjae might be the worse. He became more hyper and active but then suddenly he would go quiet and stare into nothing. He looks dazed. His hyungs are starting to think that he's losing his mind. He always acts cheery whenever there are people around. He'll play pranks and would laugh so much even if there aren't anything funny that could crack him up. He goes to the club every night either with his hyungs or with Jackson and the twins if his members are busy enough. He looks fine. He sounds so well. But his hyungs know better. He loved Sooyoung so much. She's his most favorite and most important person. They were so happy and head over heels with each other. And right now, all of this facade he's trying to show everyone is just a thin lining behind what he really feels deep inside.
"Omo, Changsub hyung! He's trying to call her again." Peniel shouted across the table. And true enough a drunken Sungjae is slurring while trying to find her user ID on his phone. He saw her's and immediately clicked the green phone icon to call her. A semi-drunk Changsub grabbed his phone, ended the call and threw it to Ilhoon who's sitting beside Peniel.
"Yah. Give me back my phone." He says standing up to get a hold of his precious damn phone. But because he's too drunk, he can't even balance himself and fell to the floor almost hitting his head. His hyungs immediately stood up and tried to catch him. Amidst the chaos, they didn't noticed that Sooyoung called back. And when Ilhoon tried to run and catch Sungjae across the table, he accidentally swiped the answer button.
"Yah, yah yah! Sungjaeya!" His hyungs shouted in chorus.
"What the hell? Do you want to die early?" Ilhoon exclaimed.
"Where's my phone? Give me back my phone." Sungjae spoke as he crawls from the floor looking for his phone.
"Yah, you should get some sleep. C'mon let's get you to your room." Hyunsik scolded him.
"Ani! I need to call her."
"And what? Ask for her pity? You can't even tell us the reason why you left her and now you'll call her like nothing happened?" Eunkwang bursted.
"Hey. It's enough. We all had our fair share of being drunk. Take the plates to the kitchen. Dongsaengs, go to sleep now." Minhyuk muttered as he hugged Eunkwang to stop him from grabbing Sungjae's collar.
Sungjae sat on the floor and rested his head on the couch.
"I love her. I know you all know that. But I guess I got terrified. She's my sun, my moon and stars. Whenever I would look at the horizon, her beautiful face and charming smile would always greet me. When I got so busy with work, she never complained. When the scandals spread like a wildfire, she didn't say a word. She's strong and beautiful. And I know that she can go on without me. But I...I am nothing without her. She's an extension of me. I spent years trying to search where my heart is. Only to find out that she has it in her palms.
I got terrified that once she realized how lacking a person I am, she'll pack her bags and leave. So I chose the easier way out. I was the one who left. I thought doing it would lessen the pain. But no. God, I can't imagine how I survived when I saw her holding back her tears. How she refused me to say anything to her. My chest constricted and I kinda forgot how to breathe. I love her so much it fucking hurts." Sungjae cried out. He held his face with both hands to hide his tears.
Eunkwang saw the pain that Sungjae covered up for the past few months. His heart ache knowing one of his brothers is going through so much and he can't do anything about it.
"We do understand why you did things. But you don't get to decide for her. She loves you, Sungjae. If you love her, tell her. If things get difficult, lean on each other. Leaving shouldn't be an option."
"I'm sorry Eunkwang hyung." Sungjae hugged him close. If there's something that could comfort him at this time, it would be his leader's embrace.
"It's okay. But I'm so disappointed in you, maknae. I gave her up for you." Sungjae chuckled at him.
"Now man up. And explain everything to her okay?"
"Arasso. Gumawo, hyungdeul." Sungjae replied while standing up. He picked up his phone and keys and walked towards the front door.
"Yah, maknae where are you going?" Changsub asked.
"I'm going home."
//
Sooyoung felt like her brain stopped working. Her phone rang. Yes, she's expecting that he would call but she also know that he won't. And right now when she saw his caller ID, she felt her heart leap with a glint of happiness. She doesn't care about the reason behind this call but she just want to listen to his voice. But before she could swipe to answer the call, it ended abruptly. She felt nervous of a sudden. Unnecessary thoughts are flooding her mind. What if he's trying to call her, but he suddenly got into an accident? So she did the most unthinkable thing for the past few months. She called him.
When the phone call was answered, all she could hear was chaos from the other line. She could easily recognize his hyungs' voices. She missed them too. Suddenly, she heard Eunkwang shouting. It frightened her. Surely, they must have been discussing things seriously. Eunkwang never raised his voice to anyone even if in tight situations. And hearing him bursting out, she can't help but be worried not only for him, but for the rest of BTOB as well.
But what caught her on her tracks is what he said. It doesn't need a couple of analyzing and solving to know that she's the one they are talking about.
And it only took those three words from Sungjae to make her a crying mess.
He loves her. That's all she needed. Hearing everything all at once was enough to spin another storm in her. She cupped her mouth to prevent a sob from escaping her lips. Sungjae was a confident man. But she never knew that he's been insecure when it comes to her. Her heart clenches at the thought that he would rather let her go and find someone better than have her all to himself.
But that's not what she needed. She doesn't need someone better. All she ever asked is him.
She hang up after hearing him apologize to Eunkwang. The sob she suppressed since earlier finally came out. She cried hard. Loudly. As if she wants the universe to know that she's suffering. That they are suffering. And maybe if she cried louder, the universe may find a way to bring her back to him.
He drove his car pass through the midnight cold. His body is drunk. But his heart is sober from the hurt they resided in.
In no time, he reached his destination. With trembling hands, he rang the front door. He heard a few rustles inside before seeing the door to open and reveal the only reason that he held on for the past few months to keep on living.
She approached him with a shocked expression. Her eyes widened and her mouth hang agape. He noticed how puffy her eyes are. A few stain of fresh tears are still glistening from her face. Her hair is everywhere. She's standing on her bare feet, wearing his Balenciaga shirt that he purposely left. She's a mess. But a beautiful one, indeed.
"Sooyoung-ah." He walked to her and tucked the few strands of hair from her face.
"Sungjae." His name slid through her lips like a confetti falling from above. How he missed hearing her call his name. It felt magical.
"I'm sorry. Maybe if I tried harder. Maybe if I just admitted everything to you, I wouldn't hurt you like this. I'm sorry. I wanted to-" He's crying. The tears he never lets her see are displayed to her right now like an artwork that's been revealed to the public for the first time.
"Shh. Ara." She cut him off my cupping his cheeks and placing her thumb on his lips.
He placed his arms around her waist and pulled her closer. He leaned his forehead on hers as he closes his eyes to feel her warmth. He missed her so damn much. Something aches in his chest despite having her back in his arms.
That feeling when you remove the sling from your broken arm for the first time –it felt weird, something inside you aches a little but above it all, you felt good. That's what he felt when his arms brushed against hers. Something ignited with their contact. He saw sparks fly and he was left in awe how being with her is all he ever needed to feel alive.
He opened his eyes and her closed ones greeted him. He doesn't know how could she be beautiful like this. Her cute puffy eyelids. Her long lashes that spread like a blanket. Her small nose that bumped into his. Her pink taunting lips. Oh, how he missed kissing her lips. His breath hitched as he took in all of her features.
"Sooyoung-ah."
"Hmm?"
"Don't close your eyes. This time, I won't make you cry." And with that he crashed his lips with her. She momentarily opened her eyes with shock. When he moved his lips to brush it against her mouth, her eyes fluttered close. She gripped tighter on his arm as he pulled her closer. His heart has been a constant mining site whenever she is near –pounding and hammering with just one touch. He missed her. She could tell by the way he kissed her. How passionate his lips moved in sync with her.
Unconsciously, they started to head inside, slowly walking towards the couch without breaking the kiss. Her hands moved to lift the hem of his shirt. Sungjae got back to his senses. He gently pulled away and grabbed her wrist to prevent it from exploring further.
"I really wanted to take you right here and right now. But I won't. I have to let you know it all. I haven't even apologized properly." He said and placed a featherlight kiss on her forehead. He pulled himself up and sat properly on the couch.
"But I already know it all. I heard everything." Sooyoung replied as she sat nearer to him.
"You what?!" He asked completely baffled.
"I called you back earlier. I don't know. I guess someone accidentally answered it. I heard everything you said to the oppas earlier." He shut his eyes out of embarrassment. She must've heard him crying.
"Why didn't you tell me as soon as you saw me?" Sungjae pouted.
"I was shocked to see you at our front door. I didn't expect you to come to me tonight. Then you started rambling and you kissed me. How am I supposed to speak?" She blinked at him.
"Ahh, even so." Sungjae whined and rested his head on the crook of her neck.
"You should've just told me everything."
"I know. I'm sorry. I got too scared that you'll get tired of wearing your heart on your sleeve that you'll take it back and hide it in the deepest of your closet."
"Don't you trust me?"
"I do, I do trust you. It's just that, with all that has happened, I wouldn't be shocked if you'll choose to go." Sungjae muttered as he sat up properly to gaze at her eyes.
"I won't do that. Letting me love you is the most wonderful thing you ever did. I'll never get tired of loving you."
"God, what did I ever do to deserve you?" He murmured as he pulled her close to him.
"I'll ask something from you."
"What is it?"
"If you needed me to love you harder, tell me. Because I want to give you all the love I know and can give." She muttered as she caressed his face like how soft the autumn leaves grace the floor.
At that moment, he knew she wasn't telling him to be desperate. She wasn't telling him to always seek for her.
She's a factory of love and tenderness. And he knew, all she asked is for him to stay and let her shower him with all the love she can give in different and inexplicable ways.
He doesn't need to be told. He closed their gap by kissing her again. This time, slowly and endearing. He kissed her like she's the last thing he wanted his lips to touch. He sealed their lips like how perfectly the cap of her lipstick meets the lid and it clicks.
"I love you." He breathed.
"I love you too...but you didn't answer it yet."
He chuckled at her. "Okay. I will. I love you again."
She giggled like a cute baby being tickled. "I love you too...since then."
A/N:
One fact about me: I've been a fan of local indie music before I came across BTOB and Red Velvet. I really love this song since its release last year. I used the lyrics in making this one shot. I'm sorry if this one's a little messy. With my dad's death last month, I'm finding it hard to build everything all at once. I intended this one to be vague and a little confusing. It's up to you on how you will view this one. Anyway, I hope this somehow quenched our thirst for Sungjoy. I'm always grateful for each one of you. Thank you for being my source of strength. Love you all. Have great day! Happy Halloween. Bbyu fighting💕