There were many aspects of being blind that Kanan felt he had adjusted to fairly well. Even before he'd received the help of the Bendu, a childhood spent in the Jedi Temple had already somewhat prepared him not to rely solely on his physical senses, making the adjustment period much shorter for him than that of the average patient. But even with the guidance of the Force, there was a definite lack of certainty that accompanied being without sight, and that lack of certainty had made itself more prominent than ever as he followed the old 2-1b surgical droid down the winding medical hall corridors towards the examination room in which Ezra was being held.
Reaching their destination, the medical droid whirred to a stop, extending a mechanical arm to block Kanan from moving any further.
"Sir," it chirped, sounding far more cheerful than it had the right to, "we have reached our destination. The room is on your left and the patient is straight ahead. The doctor and nurses will guide you to a seat from there."
Kanan resisted the urge to scoff at the droid's weak attempt at sincerity. To him, the only thing worse than a droid that didn't understand sentience and emotions was one who pretended to. At least Chopper was forthcoming about his indifference.
Saying nothing, Kanan walked in the direction the droid had suggested, intentionally turning his sightless gaze as far away from the 2-1b as possible. There was no way in Hell he'd give that thing the hollow gratification of his thanks.
But as he took stepped foot into the examination room, Kanan's solemn demeanor broke. For the first time in at least half a cycle, Ezra's presence felt bright and strong. He was awake. He was conscious. He was improving.
Near Ezra, a female voice, bright and painfully sweet was rattling off questions and information at a rate that Ezra couldn't have kept up with even if he was well. He assumed this voice belonged to the doctor, and a young one at that.
Kanan cleared his throat awkwardly, trying to get the overly-animated woman's attention. "Am I in the right room?"
A rustle of fabric could be heard from across the room accompanied by the gentle pings of various medical instruments being hastily set on a metal tray. "Oh! Mr. Jarrus!" the woman practically squealed, grabbing him by the forearm and hurriedly pulling him forwards towards a small chair next to the bed. "Please, please, have a seat!" Her firm, calloused hand quickly enveloped his own in a short greeting before disappearing just as quickly. "My name is Doctor Freisi. We were just about to go forwards with a spinal tap. Are you familiar with this type of procedure?"
Kanan grimaced. He was trying to stay polite as possible. After all, he was unquestioningly grateful for everything the doctor was doing to help Ezra, but her general attitude about everything was simply exhausting. How could a woman be so cheery moments before literally stabbing a kid in the back? He was sure she wasn't intentionally acting condescending, but it was mildly trying nonetheless.
"Yes, I'm familiar with spinal taps," he explained, his stern expression unwavering as he casually tried to end the conversation so he could finally get to the side of his Padawan. "Is there anything you need me to do?"
"Well, if you'd like, you can help Ezra here onto his side while I prep the equipment!" she replied cheerfully as ever, her coat rustling loudly as she made her way to the opposite side of the room.
Kanan simply nodded, finally making his way towards Ezra.
Finding the edge of the examination table, Kanan knelt down, holding his breath. He had yet to hear Ezra speak, and he wasn't sure what to expect. The last time he had been this close to Ezra, the kid hadn't even been breathing. He was practically a corpse.
But now, here he was, alive and in arms reach, and he wasn't sure what to say.
"Hey kid," Kanan smirked, taking Ezra's cold hand in his own, "You sick of this place yet?"
A beat of silence hung between the two of them and Kanan swore he could feel his heart beat itself into his throat.
There was a small raspy sound as Ezra inhaled. "Y-youuu haave n-noooo ideaaa," he quirked, sharp as ever.
Kanan let out a strained chuckle, finding himself caught somewhere between relief and concern. He was beyond overjoyed to hear Ezra's voice again, to touch his hand with his own and feel the renewed fire of his Force presence. But the way Ezra was struggling to speak was... worrisome. Kanan wasn't dull by any means. He was painfully aware of the fact that permanent brain damage was a legitimate threat when it came to seizures on their own, let alone seizures due to meningitis, and considering how progressed the disease had become in Ezra, he knew the chances of him walking away from this completely physically unchanged were not promising. Of course, the slurred speech could just as easily be a temporary symptom - something that would fade with the illness itself - but if Kanan had learned anything in his lifetime it was that the odds were never on their side.
Kanan shook aside the thought, returning his full attention to Ezra. After all, it was his primary duty to comfort right now, not dwell on the negative.
Mustering up a smile, he spoke to Ezra again. "I'm gonna help you onto your side so the doctor can do some tests, alright?"
He could hear some of the joy fade from Ezra's voice at the 'back to busines' attitude. "Allllriiiiight..." he sighed.
Kanan chuckled softly. "Don't worry, just a few boring tests and treatments and we'll be out of here in no time," he grimaced at the lie, trying to move Ezra as gently as possible. This entire experience had to be awkward for him. Ezra was always the type of person who championed his independence, and to be in such a vulnerable state... He owed it to him to make as little of a deal of all this as possible.
"Alright," the doctor announced, approaching the two of them with that same, sunshiney demeanor, "I'm going to start by injecting a numbing agent at the base of the spine, and then we're going to insert a spinal needle connected to a three-way tap so that we can measure the fluid pressure against your spine as well as collect some samples for further testing. Are you ready?"
Kanan wanted to laugh. Here she was describing exactly how she would stab someone with a needle, and yet she was describing it all as if it were a perfectly mundane task that anyone would be familiar with. Like brushing your teeth or bathing. If she hadn't been in a selfless and service-based industry, Kanan would have thought her a psychopath.
Kanan turned his senses back towards Ezra, who was undoubtedly staring ahead at the far wall with that cool indifference that Kanan knew he always used as a coping mechanism.
Gripping his hand lightly in his own, Kanan shifted closer to Ezra.
"Hey, I'm right here. It'll be over soon. Don't worry," he assured, giving his hand a light squeeze.
Ezra smiled and squeezed back, letting his eyes drift close as he prepared himself for the numerous discomforts he was about to experience.
"Commencing spinal tap," one of the nurses announced as the doctor brought the needle down towards the small of Ezra's back.
Ezra's eyes snapped shut, grasping Kanan's hand in a death grip.
Kanan's heart ached in sympathy. It seemed so unfair that Ezra would have to suffer more just to get the answers they needed.
Things were tensely silent for a moment, and Kanan wondered whether that was a good thing or a bad thing. It wasn't until the doctor started hurriedly whispering to the nurses around her that he became concerned.
"This... this is... Quickly! Get me another measuring tube!" she barked, just loud enough for him to hear.
"Doctor, what's going on?" Kanan rubbed the back of Ezra's hand gently with his thumb, as much for his own comfort as for Ezra's.
A beat of silence hung between them as though the doctor was debating whether or not to tell him the truth. "The pressure on his spine is immense. It's quite literally off the charts! I've never seen something quite like this." Her tone was the lowest Kanan had yet to hear it.
"Well what does that mean?" he nearly shouted.
Another beat of silence. "It means that as soon as the samples are collected, we have to prepare Ezra for emergency surgery. It is imperative that we relieve the pressure on his spine - and more importantly, his brain - immediately."
Kanan felt as though he were drowning in thin air. Imperative?
"Or else what?" his voice wavered.
For the first time, the doctor began to sound truly clinical. "Or else we're looking at devastating and permanent damage to the brain and central nervous systems... or worse..."
Kanan didn't have to ask what 'or worse' meant.
"K-kannnan?" Ezra slurred, his cracking voice making Kanan's heart ache terribly.
Grasping Ezra's clammy, and suddenly far too small hand in both of his own, he brought it to his chest and squeezed it with whatever form of reassurance he could muster.
"Shhh, it's okay, Ezra. Everything is going to be alright," he whispered blankly, his own thoughts beginning to short-circuit.
A short whine escaped Ezra's throat as Kanan returned his hand, drawing back into himself.
"Mr. Jarrus," the doctor cut in, "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave now. We need to move Ezra to pre-op as fast as possible."
Kanan nodded silently. He didn't know what to say. What could you say in that sort of situation?
Soon, Kanan felt gently hands around his biceps, gently guiding him up and towards the door, his feet moving of their own accord.
"K-kannann?" Ezra whimpered from across the room, "Comme back... I... I want you heeerre..." he muttered before falling back against his pillow, seemingly too exhausted to even put up much of a fight.
Kanan had to force tears from falling from his eyes. It broke his heart to leave Ezra while he was so vulnerable, and hearing him calling after him did nothing to help. But he knew there was nothing else he could do.
"It... It'll be okay, Ezra!" his voice cracked as he desperately tried to keep himself together. "We'll just be in the other room! Me and Hera and the others, we'll be real nearby. I promise!"
And with that, Kanan was fully pulled from the room, the sound of the door closing behind them ringing in his ears.
Kanan barely remembered the walk back to the waiting room. He had really only become aware again when he felt Hera's head fall against his shoulder.
The nurse must have explained everything.
She wasn't crying. Neither was he. They just stood there, holding one another, just like that fateful night before Malachor. He supposed the circumstances weren't too different either. Once again, they were standing together in limbo - holding each other against the face of uncertainty.
Kanan held his breath. They didn't know what the future held for them, and he'd be lying if he said he was certain that no matter what, it would be alright in the end. But just for a moment, they wouldn't let it affect them. They would hold each other up as the universe tried to tear them down.
At least for a moment, they would feel safe.
A/N:AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
So this chapter was hella late.
So basically, my college course load is REALLY overwhelming and on top of that I've really been struggling with mental health issues lately. I don't I want to get into too much detail, but there have been several instances in the last few weeks alone that I definitely should have gone to the hospital but didn't. It's been crazy. I'm still committed to this story and want to see it through, just know that posting will more than likely be erratic and I hope you can all bear with me.
I love and appreciate all of your love and support and thank you for your patience so far.
Until next time ~