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SOONYOUNG MET JIHOON when they were both six, having been put in the same class and sat right next to each other. Jihoon was almost comically similar to how he is now: quiet, reserved, and completely put off by Soonyoung's forwardness. Soonyoung, on the other hand, has always been outgoing - and even Jihoon wasn't resistant to it.
So they grew close, and closer still as the years passed, to the point that their names now seem to compliment each other on the minds and tongues of others. Soonyoung and Jihoon - one doesn't quite sound right without the other, and it doesn't look like that'll be changing anytime soon.
A bittersweet thought, then.
"We've got a whole story," he tells Jihoon. They're in the school library, Jihoon trailing blindly behind him while he scans the wall of astronomy books. "You know that?"
"Sure I do," he mumbles, not looking up from his phone. "Now you'll tell me how we're something comparable to the Big Bang."
"You say that like you're joking."
Jihoon looks up, smiling. "I'm not. Both concepts are too factually significant for me to joke about."
"Hm. You do know that the Big Bang isn't entirely proven, right? Like, it's a commonly accepted theory, but I'm just saying. It might have not even happened."
"Do you believe that?"
"I believe a lot of things," he says, and he pauses for a moment before continuing, "but no, I wouldn't go so far as to doubt the Big Bang theory."
His fingers trace over a spine that catches his eye, and he pulls it off the shelf so he can scan the synopsis. He can feel Jihoon hovering over his shoulder to do the same.
"Turn Left at Orion," the other boy reads. "Hundreds of night sky objects to see through a home telescope."
"I'm gonna read this book, and then force you to sit out with me at night looking for constellations," Soonyoung says. Jihoon snorts.
"Fuck no. Do you realize how cold it's getting? You're going to get sick, Soonyoung. Just do it from inside."
"How?"
"Look through your window."
"It's not the same," he insists.
"It's not the same, but I think your health matters a little more than an authentic stargazing experience. Also, if you do get sick, I already know I'm gonna be the one missing class to keep you company. My honor roll can't afford that."
Soonyoung hums, smiling, "No one forces you to do it, Jihoonie, I think you just like having the excuse." He won't complain, though - he likes it, too.
He's not looking down at the book anymore, but Jihoon still stands close behind him, at one point letting his head drop against Soonyoung's back, resting there quietly. Soonyoung can feel himself supporting Jihoon's body weight, can feel Jihoon's breath against his shoulder blade, and he tries to ignore the fever spreading through him.
"Tired?" he asks, and he can feel a nodding against him. "Listen, I don't wanna discourage you or anything - because it's great that you work so hard in school, I get that - but maybe learn to take a break?"
"No breaks," Jihoon says. "I've got stuff to do."
"You're overworking yourself."
"It's not like I'm not sleeping at night."
"I worry, anyway."
"I know you do."
And they stay there, just like that, for a few moments longer, before Soonyoung turns slowly so that he can wrap his arms around Jihoon and let the boy's head rest against his chest, instead. Jihoon is adorably small, Soonyoung is terribly endeared, and it's comfortable, just the two of them alone in this part of the library. He doesn't stop himself from pressing a chaste kiss to the top of Jihoon's head.
"Did you say we're as significant as the Big Bang?" he asks, absentmindedly running his palm along the length of Jihoon's spine. The latter nods.
"I did," he mumbles.
"I like that."
—
"For the record," he says, and this comes much, much later in the evening, when they're both laying on his bed again and staring up at those old sticky stars. "For the record. I don't think we came about the way the universe did. The Big Bang or whatever."
"No?"
"No. Still important, but ... gentler. Not so many exploding suns and fiery asteroids. More like, like soft? Sort of easy and slow, and nice. Less violent."
"That's good."
"Yeah," Jihoon whispers. "It is."
It's good, it is. He won't mess it up. Soonyoung won't reach out and grab Jihoon's hand and hold it to his chest, even if he really wants to. He won't kiss his forehead and tell him he likes him a lot more than he's meant to. That's not the sort of thing he can just do. Not if he wants to maintain that good they've got going.
And he does, oh, he really does.
—
They're in math, flipping through worksheets. The class had let out a collective groan when the teacher started handing them out - worksheets aren't the most fun things in the world - but Soonyoung doesn't entirely mind, in all honesty. It just means free time to talk to Jihoon without the teacher threatening to make him leave the room; something about being disruptive, which Soonyoung thinks is ridiculous.
More often than not, he manages to get through a total of three questions on his own, and it's gotten to the point where he doesn't even have to ask for Jihoon to slide his paper over for copying. It's not that he can't do them, it's just - well, he doesn't want to, frankly.
But now they're both finished, because Jihoon whips through these things so quickly - he's so smart, and Soonyoung will take any chance to say it - and they've got a good thirty minutes left before class lets out. There's a pause in Soonyoung's rambling, and Jihoon takes the opportunity to speak up.
"Hey," he says, and it's cautious; a small pebble hitting water, rippling outward with the weight of what he wants to ask, and Soonyoung waits for him to continue. "You know about, like ... compatibility and all that, right? With the signs?"
Which, alright, yes. The answer to that question is yes. Soonyoung, as a matter of fact, knows a lot about sign compatibility - some signs more than others, sure - but he's not sure what Jihoon's getting at -
"So, I mean, what do you think of Vernon and Seungkwan?"
Oh. Okay, then.
"Uh, Vernon and - ? Right, um, I mean. Yeah."
"Yeah?"
Soonyoung resists the urge to hit himself with his textbook, grinning nervously to hide the fact that his heart just managed to leap from his chest to his throat, and then back down to his chest in a matter of a few seconds, and it's left him a little breathless.
"Yeah. Well, okay, so. Vernon's an Aquarius, and Seungkwan's a Capricorn - "
"Love how you just know that - "
Soonyoung scoffs, "Of course I know that. Anyway, Aqua and Cap, that's an interesting combo. The way I see it, there's a lot of room for things to go wrong. Like, they're both sort of stubborn, and Aquarius tends to be a lot more free-spirited than Capricorn, who's way more rooted - I mean, it's an air sign and an earth sign, so what can you expect - but yeah, that could lead to some difficulties."
Jihoon nods along, watching him steadily, and Soonyoung matches his gaze. He doesn't shy away from it, because as fluttery and out-of-this-world as Jihoon makes him feel, they've been friends for too long for him to shy away from things like eye-contact. Even if Jihoon has really pretty eyes, and they're sort of distracting.
Soonyoung ends up looking away when he continues.
"That being said - ! If they really work at it and try to see past their differences, they can for sure be a good match. It's just a matter of how motivated each person is to make it work. Besides," he adds, "we know Vernon and Seungkwan. Those two could have the least compatible signs known to astrology - it's still obvious that they're whipped for each other." Jihoon hums in agreement, cracking a smile.
"Yeah, you're right ... You really know a lot about this stuff, huh?"
"I guess. I mean, you know that. You were the first person I went to when I got into it."
"No, I mean, like, compatibility. That's interesting."
"Is it?"
"Yeah. You can sort of predict people's dynamics, that's cool."
Jihoon pauses then, and Soonyoung senses that there might be more he wants to say, but he doesn't. Which is fine, really. The entire subject's got Soonyoung wanting to squirm, anyway, so maybe it's best that they move on.
—
It's Mingyu who brings it up, one afternoon during their shared history class; he catches Soonyoung completely off guard, makes him choke on his own breath.
"Are you and Jihoon dating?" he asks, just flat-out, and Soonyoung has to keep him waiting for a second or two, trying to turn off the internal panic alarms and compose himself before answering.
"Uh, no? What makes you think that?"
"I dunno. You two are like, weirdly close."
"We've been best friends since we were kids. I don't think it's that weird."
"Yeah," he says, drawing out the word like he's uncertain. "But it's different. Like, I don't know. Your relationship is different. You sure you don't have a thing for him, at least?"
Soonyoung finds that it's incredibly difficult to lie convincingly when he's flustered, and it's all he can do to hope that Mingyu will let him off the hook and at least pretend to believe him.
"N-No, I don't. We're just friends, I like being his friend. Not sure what gives you the idea that I ... yeah. Kind of random."
"Ehh, not really," Mingyu says, looking away from his laptop to glance at Soonyoung narrowly. His eyebrows are raised, lips tight, a picture of pure skepticism. "You look at him funny, and you never shut up about him. Like, yeah, we're friends with Jihoon too, but ... you're all the way, Soonyoung."
You're all the way, Soonyoung.
He's not entirely sure what to make of that. He feels thrown, like someone's just knocked him out with confrontation and he's got cartoon stars swirling around his head, dizzy. Mingyu says he looks at Jihoon funny, that he never shuts up about him. He's noticed these things, and the others probably have, too.
He just hopes Jihoon hasn't.
"We're just best friends," he repeats quietly. "That's all."
—
Soonyoung thinks Jihoon is the strongest, brightest star in this end of the universe. He thinks that for every intellectual, every do-gooder out there, Jihoon's twice as smart with an even bigger heart; even his faults don't seem so bad. Soonyoung thinks that if there's anyone out there who deserves the best the world has to offer, it's Jihoon.
So on those bad days - because Jihoon does have bad days - Soonyoung will give him his shoulder and the nicest words he can muster. He'll give him comfort and calm. He can't give him the world and all its best, but he'll give what he's got. Like whenever he needs it, like right now.
"I just don't feel good. Everything is piling up, and it's too much," the boy sniffles. He's curled up oddly against Soonyoung's side, head pressed against Soonyoung's chest while the latter pulls him closer and whispers into his hair.
"That's okay. It's like that, sometimes."
"I hate it. I hate that I can't handle things and I hate - I hate taking it out on you." Soonyoung can feel him shaking a little bit, and his whole heart hurts. Here's he's got Jihoon, his strong, bright star, and it's not right. It's not what he deserves.
"Don't," Soonyoung breathes. "Don't say that. It's okay, you know? It's perfectly normal. No one expects you to take everything in stride, and you shouldn't, either. Forcing yourself to withstand every bad thing and then bottling it all up is literally the worst thing you can do, and I ... I just want the best for you." His voice drops when he says that last bit, but it feels loud - loud like the blood rushing in his ears; loud like his heart, beating in time with every syllable, and he wonders if Jihoon can feel it, hear it, through his sweater. Jihoon sniffs again.
"Thanks, Soon. You're too good to me."
"You've got a lot on your shoulders, Jihoon. It's okay to wobble every now and then."
"I don't deserve you," he says, and Soonyoung shakes his head.
"No," he disagrees. "If anything, I think it's the other way around."
Jihoon doesn't say anything to that, but Soonyoung knows he'd roll his eyes if he had the energy to. They both fall quiet, letting the silence settle around them. The window is still open from when Soonyoung hastily climbed through, and it's chilly, so he reaches for one of the blankets on Jihoon's bed and pulls it over them.
"Soonyoung?" Jihoon asks, and Soonyoung's heart lurches at the way his name sounds in his voice. Not quite breaking the stillness surrounding them, it's so soft, but like a gentle pressure against it.
"Yeah?"
"I wish you would come to me like this, when you're upset. You're always here for me and I - I can never do anything for you."
"I don't get upset all that often," Soonyoung lies. "Not enough to bother with dragging you into it, at least."
The truth is, Soonyoung just doesn't want Jihoon to see him when he's all red and weepy. He's a hypocrite like that, telling Jihoon that it's okay to break sometimes and ask for help when he can't even do it himself, but it's different for him. He wants to be the best he can be in Jihoon's eyes, all picture perfect, something worth holding on to, whereas Jihoon doesn't have to worry about that sort of thing; whether he knows it or not, he's already surpassed that standard. Soonyoung wouldn't let go of him if his own life depended on it.
"You're lying to me," Jihoon says, and Soonyoung doesn't even try to refute it. "If you're gonna put up with me like this, then I - then I have to do the same. I want to do the same."
"Yeah, because taking care of me when I'm emotional is every person's dream, isn't it?"
"Shut up, I mean it. You're my best friend, you know ... I want to be there for you."
Soonyoung glances down at Jihoon, still wrapped up in his arms with the blanket pulled up to his chin. He's not crying anymore, but his eyes are still sort of red, and his breathing's a little shallow. He's got that look, though, the one that means he's determined to get his way. Soonyoung's learned it, by now.
"You know what I do," Soonyoung murmurs - his lips are still pressed to the top of Jihoon's head - "when I'm not feeling really great?"
"Hm?"
"The moon. I talk to her." Jihoon snorts, and Soonyoung isn't even embarrassed.
"Of course you do. Why am I not surprised? The moon doesn't talk, Soonyoung."
"No, but she listens."
"Good God, I can't believe you feel more comfortable talking to a - a fucking space rock than your own best friend."
"That's not it," Soonyoung argues gently, moving so that it's his cheek resting against Jihoon's head, now. "I mean, yeah, it kind of is. But it's nice, you know? She's there every night, she'll keep all my secrets."
"I'm here every night, I'll keep all your secrets," Jihoon huffs.
"You said it yourself, though. She doesn't talk. She won't judge me."
"I won't judge you either!" he says, pulling away from Soonyoung's hold so that he can face him from the opposite end of the bed, scowling. There's a cold space where he was, now, and Soonyoung's sort of sad, but he also can't help the smile tugging at his lips.
"Are you jealous of the moon, Jihoonie?"
"Fuck off, maybe I am. And what about it? I can be the moon, too," he says, and Soonyoung tries to suppress his giggles. "I can be just as good as her."
He cracks, his laughter spilling up and out from the back of his throat as he reaches across the bed to grab Jihoon's arms and pull him closer again; Jihoon allows it, glaring as he falls back against Soonyoung's lap.
"You don't have to be," he smiles, "you're already so much more. You're not the moon, you're every moon - every comet and planet, all the constellations, all wrapped up into one. You're a whole galaxy, Jihoon." Even in the dark, Soonyoung can make out the blooming pink against Jihoon's cheeks. He's still glaring, but it's wavering.
"Why don't you come to me for comfort, then? What's wrong with talking to me?"
"Nothing," he says, honest. "But you don't need all that. It's just - noise, that's all. Extra and distracting."
"Everything about you is extra and distracting, Soonyoung. Doesn't stop me from wanting to be around you."
They both get quiet again, Soonyoung's smile dissipating and the remnants of his laughter fading against the grainy backdrop of Jihoon's bedroom.
"Are you sure?" he asks, because he's not.
Jihoon nods. His head is fully resting in Soonyoung's lap, his eyes turned up towards Soonyoung's, and he reaches out to brush his fingers against Soonyoung's cheek. Now Soonyoung is the one blushing, furiously crimson all over, and he's sure Jihoon can see it.
When Jihoon speaks, all traces of aggression are gone from his tone.
"I'm sure. I know the moon is probably wonderful, and I know you love her, but I ... I want that, too. I want to give you just as much as you give me."
You already do, Soonyoung wants to say; the words are on the tip of his tongue, so ready and so honest, but he doesn't say them. Instead, he settles for, "Okay. If it's what you want."
Soonyoung waits for it, then, the usual, 'this is why you're my best friend' comment that Jihoon likes to offer him, or something along those lines - but it never comes. They leave it at that, and his mind drifts back to something the boy had said.
I know the moon is probably wonderful, and I know you love her, but I ... I want that, too.
It's funny, Soonyoung thinks, because he's already got it.