Matt lowered his lips to mine, and stunned, I allowed my mouth to fall open, inviting him in. For the last eighteen months since we'd met, I'd fallen asleep every night imagining how it would feel to kiss Matt. I wondered if he'd taste sweet or salty, if he'd use his tongue or be chaste, if he'd nip at my lower lip and breathe me in as if I was a delicate perfume.
It was all that, and so much more. He tasted of sugar and the sea as he ran his tongue around my lips, seeking entrance. A haze of lust bubbled up from inside me, my heart rate erratic as I submitted to him. His hands clasped mine, lifting my arms and pressing them back to the wall, trapping me in the most delicious of ways.
I moaned into his mouth, pushing my tongue forward to meet with his. My skin zinged in happiness; it had been years since I'd been kissed, and not one of the three guys who'd come before had Matt's skill. He sucked my lip slightly, while his breath filled me and even the most vociferous voices in my head fell silent for a moment.
Matt broke away, his eyes glittering. "Evianna. I want you. Let me take you to bed."
They were words I couldn't have imagined in my wildest day dreams or my dirtiest fantasies. With my hands still locked above my head, I could deflect or turn away. All I could do was stare back into Matt's soul, trying to discern if he meant it. "I don't need pity sex, you know that, right? I have a dozen guys lined up for booty calls-"
"This isn't pity sex!" For the first time, I heard the desire hidden in the depths of Matt's smooth voice. "I know you don't see yourself the way I do, but give me the chance to show you."
He let one of his hands trail down the soft flesh of my arm, and sparks followed his touch. I shivered as his fingers skimmed my neck and skated over the bountiful flesh of my breasts.
Do him now! my body screamed.
But, what if he sees me naked and runs shrieking out the door? said my brain.
I'll take that chance, replied my n1pples.
My stomach joined the conversation. I don't know how long I can stay sucked in for!
Shut up, all of you! I tried to tune out all the doubt as I nodded and said, "Please."
His relieved smile was like a bright lamp in the dark hall. Leaning back in, he kissed me again. "Come on. Let's go to bed."
Matt had been inside my little house plenty of times, and I let him take the lead as he pulled me up the stairs, through my exterior door, and into the darkened depths of my place. We shed our shoes and turned into the bedroom, where Matt flicked on the lamp in the corner.
"No!" I said, frantically switching it back off again. "No lights!"
"Evianna... I want to see you." Matt's eyebrows knitted in concern, an adorable crease between them.
"There's moonlight. Much sexier."
I thought he would push back harder, but seeing the panic on my face, he relented. "Okay. Moonlight then." Like an elegant lion, he stalked towards me, wrapping his arms around my soft curves.
My pulse was leaping all over the place, bongos hammering in my chest. I'm about to have sex with Matt! Argh! What do I do?
Fortunately, he took the lead again. Matt leaned back in, connecting our lips and sending me into fresh spirals of dizziness. While I was distracted, he slid the straps of my maxi-dress off my shoulders, and began tugging the material down to expose my breasts.
Again, I freaked out. "Wait!" I cried, twisting out of his grip and putting distance between us.
"Wait for..."
"Just... wait." I shuddered, my nerves overcome with a mixture of hot pleasure and cold terror. The last man I'd slept with was an acting school buddy. We'd gotten absolutely maggotted drunk at his place after our last performance of the play he'd written and I'd stared in. We fell into bed to sleep, but ended up haven drunken casual sex instead. I didn't remember much about it other than it was over quickly. Back then, I'd been twenty kilos lighter, still a big girl for the industry but genuinely sexy, a buxom vixen.
Now, I was a spongy pillow-case marshmallow girl, convinced that no one could ever love me. I closed my eyes and said, "I don't think you want to do this, Matt. So, I'm giving you an out."
"Do you know what I find sexiest about you?" His voice closer to my ear than I'd expected and I jolted. He stood behind me and grabbed my shoulders, turning me to the full length mirror next to my bed. "Confidence. You're the most confident person I know, Evianna."
"Not here," I said, averting my gaze from the reflection. "Not in the bedroom."
"You should be. Look at yourself."
I peeped at the mirror, but all I could see was the body I loathed. Matt's beautiful face loomed over my shoulder as he said, "Don't you see it, Evianna? I want you. I've been attracted to you since we met."
I wouldn't have believed it, save for the hard rod pressing into my lower back. As I tentatively ground my butt against him, he tugged hard on my dress, which stretched over my breasts and fell down to my hips. I gasped, and futilely used my hands to cover all my exposed places.
"Don't hide!" Matt followed me as I escaped the horror of my reflection and curled over the bed, still standing. "Please don't hide."
With my face pressed to the doona, I took a shaky breath. I didn't have words; I was too full of hormones and self-loathing.
His voice was hesitant. "Do... do you want me to stop?"
"No." The force of my answer surprised me. I didn't want him to stop; I just wanted to be a different person experiencing this. It would break my heart if he walked away, but I wasn't sure how to keep going either. "Matt, what are you doing? I can't even look at myself unless I'm fully dressed; how can you?"
He didn't answer; instead, I felt his fingers dancing over my curled back. Even a simple touch from him was enough to make me shiver in desire, my skin white-hot under his hands. I couldn't move, pinned to the covers by his touch.
"Don't look, then," he murmured, his voice soothing. "Just close your eyes."
I was about to protest further, when his fast fingers unhooked my industrial-strength bra and released my breasts to the air. I whimpered, drawing my arms tighter to my sides, keeping my chest pressed to the bed.
Deftly, Matt threaded my bra off my arms, allowing me to shield myself. Then, he ran his fingers all over my back and sides, massaging my skin and giving me a chance to adjust. Under his ministrations, I felt my body relax, and I took a deep breath, raising up slightly.
"You should see how amazing you look right now. Bent over this bed, hidden and vulnerable..." Matt's voice was thick in his throat as his fingers dipped lower, lifting my long skirt up and laying it softly over my lower back.
He hooked his thumbs inside my micro-fibre panties, the bright pink colour the only thing saving them from being nana-knickers. I moaned, uncomfortable, but he dragged them down and off, leaving my bare, round rump exposed to him.
Now, I had the choice; stand up to back my butt away, giving him a full-frontal view, or stay bent over and half-covered. Matt didn't give me long to think, his fingers dancing over my cheeks, drawing circles on the skin.
Panting, I felt wetness between my thighs as they clenched squishily together. As if he knew, he slid his hand between my cheeks, seeking my depths.
As his fingers slipped into my intimate places, I squeaked in shock and tried to stand. Immediately, Matt's other hand crept under my body and grabbed my dangling breast. Now, shards of fractured bliss rendered me incapable of doing anything but mewling and he rubbed my bud tenderly while circling his fingers between my legs.
He stood behind me, diving his fingers inside me, pulling and teasing, his breath hot on my back. Propped up on my elbows, my fists clenched in the sheet as I pushed back hard into his hands, begging for more.
Something crashed inside me as every tendon in my body clenched and my vision faded to white. For a few moments, I forgot about my not-perky breasts and my bulbous stomach; I was lost in Matt's touch. I gave myself over to the feeling, shouting his name as I fell apart, collapsing to the bed again.
As the ecstasy faded, the self-consciousness returned. With my face buried on the covers, I felt a rush of emotion and tears came out of nowhere, only highlighting my vulnerability.
"Shh... Evianna, don't cry..." Matt cooed. He released my dress down to my ankles again, covering my shame.
Feebly, I rolled away, tugging up the top half of the dress and tucking my breasts back inside. "I'm not really crying. I'm fine."
"Come here." Matt drew my still body into his lap, but I only felt more ridiculous; an overgrown baby, with the fat rolls to match.
I pulled loose, crawling away to the other side of the bed. Despite his reassurances that this was out of passion not pity, all I felt was the latter. "Thanks for... that. Can I... I don't know, give you a blow job or something?"
His face was already serious and sad; my words only made it worse. "Evianna, I wanted to make love to you. This wasn't meant to be a trade."
Wanted? All I heard was his past tense and I knew he must have changed his mind when he saw me quivering all over the sheets like a gelatinous mess. "So... You don't want to have sex now?"
"Do you?"
I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I wanted him inside me, wanted to feel him move within me, wanted to make him cry out my name as he found his pleasure in me. But I couldn't. The thought of lifting my dress off fully, of laying myself bare before him; it was too much. I wasn't a sex kitten. I was a blob.
Besides, it's a moot point now... I looked down between his thighs, and saw nothing straining against the seams anymore. "I don't think it's a good idea," I said, standing and trying to regain my dignity. "We have work. And you..."
He pushed off the bed and closed the gap between us. "And I what?"
I shied away from his outstretched hand. "Nothing." My cheeks burned from a dozen different horrors; how would I face him in the morning? Why had this even happened? What did Matt even want from me?
Matt nodded, defeated. He was still fully clothed anyway; there seemed nothing more to say as he walked to my door and slipped his shoes on.
Stop him! Every part of me wanted to grab him and throw him back into bed, but too much fear and loathing held me back.
He turned at the last second and planted a soft kiss on my sweaty forehead. "Evianna, I want you, I do. But you're never going to be ready to be with anyone until you learn to love yourself."
He vanished down the dark stairway, my trembling limbs and heated skin the only evidence he'd been there at all.
***
The next morning, I strode into work. I'd lain awake for hours, watching the sun rise over the sea, contemplating Matt's words. You are beautiful. I want you. Love yourself. As I dressed and drove into the city, the phrases still cycled around inside me.
It's enough, I told myself, stabbing the button for the elevator. He's everything you've ever wanted and the only thing in the way is your own big butt. It's time to change.
I rode the lift up to the fourth floor, shaking but determined. As the doors pinged open, I set my jaw and went after the man I wanted.
Banging on his door, he looked up in surprise. "Evi? What can I do for you?"
"Good morning, Robbo," I said fiercely. "I'll do it."
Okay, so not the sexiest of times, but we have to start slowly with Evi, she's dealing with a lot of hang ups :) Do me a favour - if you're enjoying the tale and you'd like to read on, please make sure you've voted for each chapter and add the story to you reading list. I love you, my precious reader - know that you are loved, whatever size you are xxoo B&D