This ‘chapter’ is going to be based off of all the entries that I’ve written in the previous poetry book. If you read them all from Venture then there’s no need to read this one. It’ll basically restate everything you already know. This chapter is mainly for those who are interested in reading my entries and haven’t read the other poetry book.
I’ll start with saying that I tried to write this already but I hit something on accident and it refreshed the page without saving my progress so yea… Here’s my second try in doing this. I’m going through each entry one by one so that I don’t miss any detail.
As I read through my first entry I remember how I felt then. The feeling of weakness. It hurts to know that you’re weak whether you can do anything about it or not. On December 24, 2011 I found out that I was special ed. I had arrived back from the doctors and they said I had the ability to counted as special ed.
Here’s the little summary that I tell everyone. Up until I was five I had a tumor in my head. They removed it but from age six to nine I constantly went to the doctors to get my eyes checked. I have no memory of age ten. When I was eleven my aunt Aida died of Cancer. She was the woman that took care of me and she basically raised me and she was the one person who kept the family together. My life starts there. With that memory. My first true memory. The day my aunt died.
All my life up until that point I took the pleasure in knowing that I wasn’t special ed. I was told that I could have been and I was to be thankful. I was. That is—until my doctor told me that I was. It was a lot to take in. He talked to me as if I were stupid when we first met. I thought he was just being weird but once he said that I qualify for being special ed then I had to stop and almost asked him to repeat himself but he did it anyway in more of a softer tone. As if I was too stupid to understand so he would have to dumb down in words. It hit me hard. The right question for that moment was: You mean to tell me that my life is a lie? Up until this point…. I’m fifteen now and you’re saying that I’ve been lied to?! You what?! Why would you tell me this?! I was screaming in my head. I turned away and I hid the feelings. I boxed them up in such a way so that I could wait until I got home. Once I did I walked to my desk and began to type. I couldn’t take it anymore. The world was gone from existence as I wrote my feelings out. I was angry. One thing I can’t stand in knowing that I’m weak and yet there’s nothing that I can do about it. That’s why I do my best to be so positive. Because of times like these.
He told me that I need to tell all my teachers that I was special ed and that I need to be placed at a certain part of the room. I went to school after break and told one teacher. Justone. She told me that it’s best to do what I can with what I have and that if I needed to get moved for the better than I should. It was the only class I was placed in the correct spot. I didn’t dare to tell anyone else. Is it ironic that the class I was placed correctly In was my Advance Placement class? I had to drop it eventually but my teacher didn’t say anything after that. It was as if it didn’t make a difference and that made me happy.
I’m planning on telling my teachers after I have their class. I can’t stand walking up to someone and telling them that I’m special ed and then expect them to treat me as an equal. If someone were to walk up to me like that I’d accept them but that takes a lot of acceptance. I can stand by my word because I’ve done it many times.
Everything happens for a reason. It has been proven all my life. The reason why I write these entries and poems is so that I can learn about myself. What am I thinking when I’m upset? When I’mangry? How do I counteract this? That’s the reason. I love to learn and learning about myself is something that I also do. You’d think I’d know but I have gaps of memory in my mind and all I wanted to ever do is recover it. This resulted in just writing my thoughts out so I could find out myself. Basically, I’m writing my own history book. And no—it’s not altered by perspective. It’s just a huge autobiography.
There are many friends that I mention in Venture that only occur once. I’ll add a character log chapter to explain who each person is. If I don’t explain who that person is in a poem or entry just go to the character log and if they’re not there just tell me… I’ll add them or you can wait for the next book because I’ll be looking back into this book again through the entries.
I’ve meet different Special ed people in my life. There’s ones that know they’re special ed and accept it so they don’t do anything about it—they don’t progress. I’ve meet people who have the ability to change but don’t. (Regard to previous sentence) I’ve also met people who know and take as a way to improve. There are also people who can’t do a thing about it so they have no choice.
So which one am I? I’m the one in denial. I’ve lived all my life being thankful for not being special ed and now I’m told that I am? I don’t dare to accept it. I don’t blare it out to the world. I keep it close and know that it’s there but I just to enforce it. Yea, I’m special ed. If I never mentioned it and you read the hundreds of poems that I’ve wrote or the hundreds of pages of story that I’ve written would you believe me? I don’t know. That’s up to you.If I were another person I wouldn’t have believed it. I’ve been told that I look normal and that my writing is amazing so how could I be put down into that category? I don’t understand.
My band directors Costello and Davis inspire me. Because of them, Manny Paquio, and my aunt Aida I’ve been able to realize my true ability. So at this point special ed doesn’t apply to me in my mind. As long as no one knows it doesn’t matter right? Although, the truth postponed only hurts more. The day my doctor told me that I was special ed could have worked two ways. Made me lose self-esteem and lost in interest of trying because I’m special ed or make me push more to become stronger and to prove to myself that what he said was a lie. I obviously went with the second option. I know that I am but I don’t dare let that make me feel like I can’t do more than I already can.
Costello used a little trick on us which made me think a lot. She had just came back from aconvention and she told us that she was going to get us to do it. “Raise your hand as high as you can.” She said. I did. After she saw that everyone raised their hand as high as they could she then proceed with the next command. “Now raise your hand even higher.” The thought came to me. How can I raise my hand any higher if I’ve raised it as high as I can? People stood up and then I realized there was a chair but I didn’t want to do that so I got up and stood, raising my hand a little higher. She then laughed and told us. “How can you raise your hand higher if you were already raising your hand as high as you can?” It was a trick question but right then I understood what she was trying to say. She was proving a point she had tried to prove to us as much as possible. “You know you can do more so why don’t you?” I knew about the chair and the question did come to mind but I still raised my hand higher. Meaning that I could do better. Ever since then I’ve remember that I can do better whether I think about it or not.
I’ve had Costello as a director for four years now. This year will make five. There was only one year that I didn’t have her and that was my eighth grade year. When I was in six I told her that I wanted to be in four band classes. She laugh and said, “Oh okay, cool!” I then promised her that I’d do my best to achieve that goal and yet she even knew that it was okay not to have four band classes. This year I’ll be in two. Honors and Jazz. I’m taking all advance class and an extra science class so there goes all my time and dedication. Costello has been a big inspiration to me because I see her more as an adult I can look up to.
All my life I’ve been around adults that aren’t idol worthy as I’ll put it. My family is full of alcoholics, smokers, and plain out idiots. My aunt was basically the only one I’d look up to but I found out that without her dying I wouldn’t be able to become the person I am now. After she died I basically had to make my own idols. I met Mrs. Costello right after that and she became my idol. She’s always positive. I look up to her as well because she trust me. I can see that now. There was one time she announced to the class that she would never show her pain and yet I can sit down and count the times that she’s told me about her pain. No one knows about how much pain she goes through and yet she told me. It made me realize that even the most strongest people can have a breaking point and because of that I can look up to her. She may not have admitted her pain to all the students but she admitted her pain to me and that helped me understand her.
I’m surprised that I wrote this much over one entry! Holy shoot! Oh well, you can learn a lot by trying to summarize things.
On January 4th 2012 I came across one of the most life changing events in my life. It’s the day that I made up this quote, “Things need to be sacrificed in order to experience life.” –Me. (Danieljames Domar)
On January 15th 2012 I introduced a way to fix a problem. “Learning to fix the problem from the source.” I state.
This entry was about church. I start with talking about how I asked God for something which was Understanding. It’s only been a couple of few months since I’ve wrote this. I’m surprised that it’s so ‘soon.’ I thought it happened a long time ago.
After reading up to a certain point I realize that I have quoted my World History teacher a lot. Let’s call her Mrs.W. I’ll explain who she is later but she’s very inspiring now that I think about it.
I realize that I wrote a lot about religion. It was a Sunday after all. The way I view religion now has changed in a matter of months. If I haven’t said it already I’ll say it otherwise I’ll repeat myself. The way I see religion is that I believe in what makes sense to me. If you don’t believe what I believe then that’s okay do what you want. I’ll let you believe what you want to believe as long as you’ll let me believe what I want to believe.
On January 17th 2012 I was hyper and I explained why I don’t drink monsters.
I’ve learned how to control myself since then. It has been three years or so since then. I was very amused when I read over it. I realized that I know how I sound and I don’t remember the memory of when I wrote it. It was probably because I was hyper. I do remember however that I pissed off a few people on my facebook because I was posting things at like two in the morning.
That post was to tell you about why I was banned from energy drinks. We’ve come to an agreement that if I want one then I get to drink a quarter or less and then rest go to my friends but I have to buy it. I don’t buy them often because I don’t get to drink much and yet I still have to pay. That’s only whenREALLY want one. Other than that my friends hate me when I drink one because I go into this state of mind that I can fly and do whatever the hell I want. (Which I thought was normal) but apparently not lol.
It’s funny that it took my twin and my ex to take me down or to even somewhat restrain me. When I’m hyper I’m weak but I’m faster. I’ve figured that much. I can never remember what’s all going on when I’m hyper. Hence why I couldn’t remember the memory. At least I know what I sound like. O_o Yes, very scary. I’ve avoid the hyper me for a while. I have been told that I turn into the Joker at times. I never do remember. I also remember that I never did write a part two…
January 21st 2012. I can’t believe I’ve only gotten this far on the time line! This is when I interpreted a song.
I realize that I misspelled some of the lyrics. Opps. I’ll fix that. Anyway.
The song I interpreted was You’re gonna go far kid by The Offspring. It’s a good song. I said that I made a blog but I think I deleted it… Lol I don’t really know what happened to it. There wasn’t really anything that a person would miss if they didn’t read that one. Other than I tend to look at things in a different manner.
January 24th, 2012. My doubt about college begins.
Ever since then I’ve always questioned college. I still don’t know what to do. The main idea of being a musician, author, and teacher has existed. I’ve always had a thought of being an extra every one and a while. I’d need resources for that one. On this day I said that I had failed another class. It was an easy class too. Since I have Pre-Ap everything along Ap and Duel Credit I know that this following year is going to be a pain. Especially since we still don’t have a constant house. The college I want to go to is U.T (University of Texas) in Austin.
January 25th 2012. I didn’t look at the amount of reads on my entries until now. At least one hundred reads are on each one. It’s kind of scary… You know… To know that one hundred people have read your thoughts? Lol Oh well that’s okay. I’m like talking to the public here anyway.
That post was mainly because I saw that so many people read my poetry book. And I said the same thing as I said above. I was surprised. I haven’t talked to a lot of people in a while on Wattpad but that’s because I’ve been sick and I didn’t want to give anyone leeway for that. I’m not supposed to be typing as is.
February 1st 2012 The day I introduced how I feel about my mom. I never thought about it but I think it’s the first time I introduced my problem with my mother. Just for future reference… Me and my mom don’t get along. She doesn’t like how I am. The song I chose to write out was Mama By My Chemical Romance. I felt really connected to this song and I still do. I can’t stand how my Mom is at time. Lately though, we’ve been getting a long a little better.
February 6th 2012: I still can’t believe that this was only at the beginning of the year.This one was an Annotation of a Book called “The Case of The Resurrection.” My youth pastor gave it to me. I can’t really call him that because I don’t go anymore but I have my reasons. I’m not even going to read this entry because I already know how it goes. I picked apart a chapter in the book and it as stupid. I couldn’t relate and yea… I’m not much for Religion anymore. If you want to read that chapter but if you don’t then you’re not missing out on anything.
February 28th 2012: This was a continuation of the annotations.
March 2nd, 2012: I have a horrible immune system. I got sick for three months this summer and I’m not even better yet. I don’t know how much longer it’ll be. I hate being weak. You’ll learn that but this is just a little reminder beforehand. Or more of like foreshadowing. My parents aren’t people to take me to the doctor because it doesn’t work out with their schedule and… yea…But I remember this day. Clearly I do.
Now that I’m reading over it I see that I’m not much for being selfish. I’m more selfless. The situation with my ex back then was bad. I later found out that she was the one who thought her boyfriend would get mad but I’m more friends with him than her.
The next thing I mentioned was about a girl I like. Yea, I still like her. I got to talk to her at the beginning of the summer but she ended up getting a job so we can’t talk as much. I just hope we get classes together. I don’t think there was much important right there.
April 7th 2012: This is the day after my aunt got married so that the guy could stay in America. This entry was about leadership and how I failed at being a leader the week before. I couldn’t help it though. It’s not like I showed up to school later on purpose. Which brings up another family problem. I was trying out for Drum Major at the time so yea…
May 18th 2012: This is when my ‘summer’ went down hill. It hadn’t even started yet and this happened. My uncle molested my niece and they came over to sleep.
May 19th 2012: My uncle (the molester) sleeps over that night. The girls had left already.
May 25th, 2012: I almost loss my chance to go to State Ensemble.
May26th-27th: Stay in Austin and have fun
May 29th: English Exam. I passed apparently.
May 31st, 2012: I admit that I cut. I don’t do it as much as the past but it’s a last resort.
June 1st, 2012: I’m not much for religion. I’ve said that already but this is what that was about. I talked about how I didn’t understand it and how I just didn’t a religion and if someone had one I’d respect it but I wouldn’t want anyone to be the same religion as me by me trying to convert them if you know what I mean. To me, the bible is just full things that cancel out each other. I’m not going to go into that because I don’t memorize the bible but I do know that there are a lot of contradictions.
-I also did an annotation on Chicken Soup For The Teenage Soul. There are quite a few of these.
June 3rd 2012: This is when I posted up a summary of what has been going in my life. I wanted to make it a story but I think I’ll wait.
-I did 3 annotations to follow up.
July 13th 2012: This is when I got a staph infection
July 15th 2012: I talked about my ringworm and staph..
July 16th 2012: This is the day my mom went to the ER and the later the ICU. I learned how dad really ‘cared’ that day.
July 18th 2012: The day I lost my phone. I learned that my dad’s in horrible debt.
That’s where the firs book ends. Obviously it’s not ‘all’ of it but that’s a little summary for you so that you can be caught up with everything else that follows up. Have fun!