Name: Needle
A fair name. I don't think I've seen it before, so gj.
Name Reason: Was Hatched Very Thin; Barb Was Smaller Than Normal SandWing Barbs
Is there a reason for this deformity?
Age: 9
Okay, but do keep in mind that this means Needle is an adult and is around 19 in human maturity.
Gender: Female
Okay.
Tribe: SandWing
Sandy. But wouldn't it be SandWing/IceWing?
Rank: Peasant
pEAsaNT
Okay, lmao — having a "peasant" OC is pretty rare tbh, so gj.
Heritage: 60% SandWing 40% IceWing
How does this work
Wouldn't it be 75% SandWing and 25% IceWing?
You can't just pull numbers out of a magic bag and slap it onto genes lol
A few other things —
Why is SandWing/IceWing mixes so common? Like I see them everywhere. Everywhere.
Not a big fan of hybrids, not a big fan of extremely common hybrids, but I will say the rank and species match pretty well.
Family:
Mother: Parch
Parch is canon,
Father: Frost
And Frost is pretty overused
Hatchmates: Amber, Barb, Cactus, Cacti (Those last two are twins)
Okay no
Cacti is literally the same word as Cactus, just plural
Imagine if I have a pair of RainWing twins, and I name one Strawberry and the other one Strawberries
It's the same thing and I feel like it's kinda just an excuse to not have to come up with names
And I get that, but maybe you could at least look up different kinds of cacti?
and Pin
Twin: Pin
Oo twin
Siblings: Cicada, Heatwave, Pin
Uncles: Hyena, Jackal
Aunts: Gleam, Gila
Cousins: Lizard, Locust, and Python
Okay so overall the names are really good, just not the names of the parents and the twins Cactus and Cacti
Personality
-Is Loyal To Siblings
Always a good trait; MudWings don't have to be the only dragons loyal to their siblings
-Strong and good fighter
-Quick thinker
-Hates Thorn (Wanted Blister to win the war)
I have a feeling Mamba and Needle wouldn't get along
-Suspicious about most dragons from opposite tribes
-Thief
Haha nope, Mamba really wouldn't like Needle lol
So, for the personality, you need to add a LOT. I'm really sorry, but you do. I don't know what she's like at all. Being a thief and hating Thorn isn't even that much of personality traits — so, again, you really need to add more traits. Expand a bit more.
Hopes/Dreams:
-Wants to be feared by her enemies
-Wishes to be an animus (Which she already is, but doesn't know)
Oh? Can you hear that? It's a WAFFLEZ groaning in the distance.
All jokes aside, I don't take points off for having Animus magic in general, BUT if it is portrayed/used incorrectly then I will. I hope you know what you're doing, because you have to be careful with including animus magic into your character, and not a lot of people are careful.
-Wants to be noticed (Hates living in her siblings shadows)
I thought she was loyal to her siblings though? Or does she only hate living in their shadows, but doesn't hate them?
Fears:
-Being publicly humiliated
-Being killed by enemies
-Being under another animuses spell, not knowing she is
*Groaning in the distance intensifies*
Likes:
-Treasure/Gold
-Doing her jobs alone
Dislikes:
-Being turned down
-Being un-noticed
-Being treated poorly
Okay, I'm going to be honest, but so far, this character's personality is really, really bland. It's mostly the lack of detail and the lack of traits, but also, the traits in this character are super general and aren't really making Needle very special.
Physical Appearance:
Scale Colors: Pale yellow with gold scales here and there
Eye Colors: Bright blue
Wait wha- oh right she's 40% IceWing
Irregular Patterns: Has a somewhat icy blue wing membrane
Physical Deformities: Very slim / thinner than most
Other Distinguishing Features: Has Scattered black scales
Accessories: Wears an armband with multiple Skyfire's and a small earring on her right ear
*GROANING IN THE DISTANCE INTENSIFIES*
Why the Skyfire?? Skyfires are not common. Skyfire comes from A COMET. ONE. COMET. How the heck did she stumble upon the one Skyfire comet in the whole world and decide to wear an armband with it?
Also, ripping off Turtle FTW.
Mental Information
IQ 85% (Out of 100%)
what
I'm not an expert, at all, on how the IQ tests work, but I'm pretty sure that's not how it works
But I guess I'll let it slide?? I guess?
Attention Span: 47%
Observantness: 60%
Memory Capacity: 70%
Reading Skills: 64%
Writing Skills: 36%
Okay, I'm pretty positive that's not how it works.
Physical Health:
Scars: Has a scar on her snout and left wing
Current Injuries: Venom is slowly spreading through her veins
what
Fitness (1=Lyposuction, 10=American Ninja Warrior) 8
So she's pretty close to American Ninja warrior, and she's apparently 85% out of 100% IQ (Idk how that works, but I'm going with it)? Seems pretty OP to me. Where're her physical flaws?
Speed: 7
Laziness: 3
Good Eating Habits?: Yes (for the most part)
Powers:
Animus: Yes
Okayyy we'll see where this goes
Sexuality: Straight
Era: Jade Winglet
Not an AU
Home: The SandWing Kingdom
Friends:
-Beetle
-Diamondback
-Crinkle
-Dusty
-Dingo
-Gazelle
Diamondback is a really common name but wtvr
Favourites:
Food: Lizards
Scroll: The War Of The SandWing Succession
Place: Small cave she found years ago
Backstory: Needle was hatched in a rather large egg seeing as she was sharing her egg with her twin, Pin. Pin had hatched first with Needle soon after making Needle the youngest dragonet in her family. She had always been overlooked as everyone underestimated her. Needle had spent most, even all her life having to prove herself. But that's where her friends, Beetle, Diamondback, Crinkle, Dusty, Dingo and Gazelle come into play. Needle was free to be herself near her six friends. They where her safe place. One day when fighting in a battle, Crinkle had been defeated alone with Diamondback. That day Needle has lost hope but kept reminding herself she still had Beetle, Dingo and Gazelle. Needle finds herself falling hard for Dingo years later and since then she'd been acting weirder and weirder when they where around each other. Needle has never lived her life where there had been a moment where she could just enjoy herself... until she found out Dingo had been acting weird around her as well because he supposedly liked her too. Before the death of her two friends, Blister had come to her. Blister and Needle had always been fond of each other and had no intention on killing one another. Needle had completed many of Blister's missions with the help of some soldiers, and therefore, getting on Blister's 'Good Side' -if there was a such thing. Needle is now almost a dragon, so Dingo had played an even more confusing role in her life. This brings us to present day, where Needle is now worrying about The Dark stalker a long with the rest of her friends lives.
*breathes*
THIS
EXPLAINS
NOTHING
AAAAAAAAAAAA-
First of all, she's buddy-buddy with Blister? Blister hates everyone and Needle is, literally, a hybrid peasant. Why.
And she has venom slowly spreading through her veins? What? How? Who? Where?
And she's an animus. She's an animus and it's such an unnecessary and overpowered detail.
There are so many things wrong with this. I'm really sorry, but it's true.
Overall Review:
The Good Parts::
— The names are pretty good for the most part
— The appearance, although it could use more detail, is pretty balanced for being "40%" IceWing
The Bad Parts::
— The personality NEEDS work
— There's not enough detail in the backstory and I'm left with more questions than answers
— Her hybridism is unnecessary
— Her abilities as an animus are unnecessary. There doesn't seem to be a reason for her to have animus magic... at all.
— She seems a bit overpowered, mainly with the lack of flaws in her strengths
— There is an apparent lack of explanation for almost everything
— I don't quite understand the "venom spreading through her veins" thing. There's no explanation anywhere for it
— The Skyfire part is unrealistic
How To Improve + Suggestions:
For the personality — Add more personality traits. Like... a lot more. Look up some personality traits online, and then choose which ones would fit Needle.
For the backstory — Add more detail. A lot more detail. I have so many questions and the backstory answers none of them. Additionally, the backstory is also very confusing, and I'm not entirely sure I understand all of it.
For the hybridism & Animus abilities — I'm guessing the only reason Needle is a hybrid is because otherwise there wouldn't have been a way for her to have gotten animus abilities, and I suggest throwing both of those things in the trash. Both are extremely unnecessary and uncreative, and they serve absolutely no purpose.
For the strengths — just tone it down a little. Nobody can be both extremely smart and extremely good at fighting — it's just not happening. So either make her a bit dumber or make her a bit weaker.
The lack of explanation — Namely, the Skyfire part, the "venom slowly spreading through her veins" part, her heritage, her animus abilities, how she's apparently under another animus's spell?, her relationship with Blister
My Rating:
5.2/10
Originality: 24/25 (1 point knocked off for basically copying Turtle's armband)
Realism: 18/25 (1 point knocked off for the strengths, 1 point knocked off for the hybridism, 2 points knocked off for the animus abilities, 5 points knocked off for the personality)
Interest: 5/25 (I'm not very interested in this character)
Uniqueness: 10/25 (This character is not very unique)