[ 24 ]
WHERE THERE WAS SMOKE, there was almost certainly a fire, and Jasper had learnt that the hard way. Everywhere he went, the fires seemed to follow him -- from when he'd been a child, forced to bear the weights of the bombs on his back, to when he met his father's eyes and watched him burn, and now, as he threw his arms over Sasha's soaking wet body, watching her gasp for air, unable to do anything but to run.
Jasper sat back in his chair, watching Sasha's body feebly stir, strands of dark hair curling around the delicate features of her face. She looked so delicate now, like an ornate sculpture -- beautiful, but about to be shattered by the tiniest of touches. As much as he wanted to reach out, he knew that he couldn't; he had already hurt her enough.
He wanted to run from it, run like from every other fire in his life.
But something good inside of him, the little morals he had, they kept him in that room. He didn't doubt for a second that Sash would survive -- she always did, but he still couldn't help the churning anxiety in his stomach that arrived every time he thought of her. And he thought of her a lot. Hours of laying in his bed, staring into the blackness that pressed into the bedroom he shared with Finn, were spent worrying over her wellbeing, as well as the mild problem that was the crushing fate of all of Semper City.
And Jasper wasn't alone. At night, Finn's constant tossing and turning kept him awake, too, as well as his occasional shaky sighs and deep breaths that sounded as if he were trying not to cry. The two of them managed to keep the charade that everything was fine going for a few days, but when Sasha began walking around again, it became increasingly harder.
Footsteps sinking into the heavy plush carpet of the hallway, Jasper pressed his body against the door, which slid open as soon as his skin touched it. A hot cup of coffee kept his hands busy, nails stubby and bitten and fingers trembling, as he stepped inside the bedroom, finding Finn and Narcissa sat on the golden boy's bed, Sasha curled up in the armchair in the corner of the room. They were silent, not even exchanging a word, instead tracking Jasper with exhausted, sunken eyes.
"Hi?" Jas choked out at last, taking a sip of coffee. "Did y'all want some? It's downstairs if you want. Just brewed it." Burning hot liquid left a fiery trailer down his throat, but he ignored it, smiling in a way that was more of a grimace.
"I'm good," Narcissa replied, poking her thumbnail through a hole in the sleeve of her sweater absent-mindedly. "I can come with if anyone else wants some, though."
Furrowing his eyebrows, Jasper sat down with a light thump on his own bed, a splash of coffee spilling over the brim of his mug. Beads of the liquid rolled down his hand, and he mopped them up with the hem of his sweatshirt, setting the mug down on the bedside table. "I'm starting to think I'm not set out for the whole superhero thing."
"Why? Is it your charming disposition?" Finn asked with a grin, sitting cross-legged on the bed. Narcissa had set her head down on his shoulder, but he didn't seem to mind. Jasper found himself secretly hoping that Sasha might do the same thing to him, but as he looked over, she was still hiding in the armchair, obscured by the heavy upholstery.
"Yeah. It's always been, hasn't it?"
Blue-grey eyes met his own for a moment, and Sash sighed as she wriggled into a sitting position. "I might be going off on a limb here, but something tells me you're not joking this time."
"When have I ever been joking?" Jasper asked incredulously, and the corner's of her mouth twitched.
"Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?"
"I'm honoured that you've kept a list. You and Finn need to combine your memories one day. Create a full timeline."
"Reminds me of this guy," Narcissa said, peeling off her sweater to reveal a black spaghetti strap top underneath. "Name was Sal Izaroni. He kept a list of every dog he saw."
Finn stared at her with his mouth an 'o' of shock. "How are you not cold? Also, he sounds like a cool guy."
Jasper frowned. He vaguely recognised the name, and it was definitely not because of a dog list. "Sal Izaroni? Like Don Izaroni?"
"The one and only," Narcissa said with a half-smile, sitting back against the wall. "Pax Killdow's biggest competition in Semper. Nicer guy than the peace treaty, but still, like, bad."
Finn turned to look at her, shock still etched into his face. "Isn't he the one that threw the mayor off a 107-story building? Great dude, all around, then," he said drily.
With a shrug, Narcissa began picking at her nails. "Better than Rex, isn't he?" She inhaled sharply at that, the colour leaving her face. "How lucky am I to have him as a cousin?"
"My sister just recently tried to drown me and then set a building that I was in on fire, so I think we're in similar situations." Sasha stood up, walking over to Jasper and sitting down next to him. Trying to keep himself calm, Jasper tucked his knees closer to his chest, the warmth of her body against his becoming undeniable with every passing second. He swore silently at himself for being such a dumbass, but as he looked over at her, he found that he couldn't help it.
Stifling a sigh, Jasper wondered why some people were just as attractive as they were.
Forcing himself to refocus on the conversation and murderous siblings, he pressed his back against the wall. "I mean, Ayana Nakamura isn't particularly the best sister I could ever ask for, I'll be honest. It might be her sociopathy or her murderous habits that make me not a huge fan, but I suppose our dad would've been proud. You know, I'm kinda glad that I never met him. To be honest, he sounds like a dick."
Narcissa snorted. "That's one way to describe him, that's for sure."
"What, have you met him?" Curiosity filled Jasper, and he found himself suddenly leaning forward, his hands jittery as they rested on his knees.
"Vaguely, I guess. He was chaotic, but not as bad as I've seen some others be."
A half-smile wafted across Finn's face, and he, too, sat forward. "Remind yourself that she thinks Izaroni isn't bad, by the way. It's a lesser of two evils, right?"
With a shrug, Narcissa pressed her lips together. "Sure. Whatever you wanna believe, Finn. Just remember, there's a lot of stuff you still don't know." Her voice suddenly took on a more serious tone, and she furrowed her eyebrows with a slight expression of hurt flickering across her face. "But it's not important now."
Finn intertwined his fingers together before tearing one hand away to slowly cuff his jeans, making a grand dramatic gesture of it. After a long moment of awkward silence, his eyes met Jasper's, and with a knot of his stomach, knowing that something important was about to happen, Jasper looked down at the floor. Though he knew that he was a coward, there was nothing that he wanted less than to speak to Finn privately, but the look in his best friend's eyes told him that that was exactly what was about to happen.
"Can I talk to you, Jasper? Somewhere else?" Finn asked, standing up and rolling out his shoulders. The cuffs of his trousers were raised slightly to reveal colourful socks, studded with little sushi rolls, and Jas resisted the strange urge to laugh, instead focusing on a spot in the wall where there was a dent in the plaster, caused by one of his own angry outbursts a few years back. Beige paint gave way to peeking brick behind it, adding to the shabby-chic art deco look that had accumulated over time in their bedroom.
"Yeah," Jasper replied after a while of hesitation, his palms becoming clammy as he rubbed them against the sides of his legs, loose folds of his too-long trousers weighing his feet down as he tried to walk in as normal of a way as he could muster.
Finn opened the door to their little kitchen that led to Sasha and Narcissa's room, where a table stood as the main point of the room and had several chairs messily tucked into it. The industrial light above them hissed every few seconds, bathing the room in blinding white light that flashed across all of the metal in the room and reflected back in Jasper's eyes. With a wince, he drew a chair at the same time as Finn, who'd already taken to rubbing his face with his palm wearily.
After making sure that the door was firmly closed, Finn sat down with a slight thump on the chair opposite Jasper, though he avoided his eyes when he began to speak.
"Jas, there are a lot of things I want to say to you." Finn trailed his fingertips along the back of his own hand, his knuckles cracked and angry red beneath their normal dark brown colour. His hand trembled slightly as he did so, a gesture that Jasper didn't miss as he pretended to stare intently at the dishwasher. "I'm gonna start with one."
Not offering him a reply, Jasper sat back in his chair, the legs screeching against the floor. He knew that he was being stubborn for no exact reason, but he couldn't think of anything else to do but argue. Silence was always the best answer -- he chose to give Finn the worst answer possible, as guilty as it made him feel the second the words passed through his lips.
"Say them, then. I'm sick of you just judging me without saying anything, looking at me as if you're any better than me." The words tumbled out without him even thinking about it. "Don't even try and deny it, Johnson. I know what you're thinking, even though you try and act like you're a saint," Jasper spat, bitterness filling his voice.
Finn let out a low, disappointed whistle, and a hint of sadness came over his face. "You say shit like that, but then you regret it a second later. Why is it so goddamn hard for you to realise that you're destroying yourself with all this anger?" There was no fury in what he said, but a flatness that lacked emotion in a way that made Jasper want to squirm. Finn's lips twitched as he added, "What about Sasha, huh? Is that how you want her to remember you for all her life? That you take and take and take and give absolutely horseshit in return?"
"Don't bring her into this."
Finn's eyes glinted, and it took Jasper a moment to realise that they were swimming with tears. "I'm bringing everything and everyone that you love into this. I remember when we were kids, we were inseparable. All we did was laugh, and, like, drawing little lions and animals all over the walls of our rooms." His voice thickened, slurred with emotion. "It's not like that anymore. We're not kids."
Looking down at the knots of wood in the table, Jasper scraped his nails across the surface. "Nah, we're not." He struggled to find something to say, but all he could find was, "I'm sorry. I would've followed you to the ends of this shitty earth if I could, Finn. Because I'd do anything for you, and you know that. And every day I see everyone laughing and smiling and wonder what the hell is wrong with me for not being like that, too. It feels like all of you are just running ahead, and I'm left behind. And I ruin everything that's left there -- because that's all I do." He raised his hand, almost as if he were offering an olive branch of peace, but then his fingers curled into a fist and he brought it down hard on the table with a smash of breaking wood.
Blood seeped in through the broken skin of his knuckles, and he raised them to his lips, resting his legs against the torn skin and savouring the bitterness of his blood.
"I ruin everything."
Though it looked like Finn was ready to say more, all he did was take a deep swallow. Tears were streaming down his cheeks by now, and his shoulders had slowly begun to shake with silent sobs, dark eyes glassy as they met Jasper's.
"You're my best friend, Wildfire, Jasper, any name you'll ever call yourself. I want to be by your side forever, but I can't do that if you're destroying yourself with all of this pent-up fire. I can't change you for you, Sash can't do that, not Narcissa, not your sister. It's something you need to do yourself, but know this." His voice cracked. "I'll be with you no matter what, Jasper."
"I..."
Jasper bit his lip hard, tears stinging at his own eyes. He didn't try to wipe them away with his sleeve, but let them trickle down his face, marks of war.
"I'm sorry," was all he said.
Then he just sat there and let himself cry for the first time in his life.