A/N: Aside from some rewording, not much changed this chapter. It's been loosely proofread, so I apologize for any errors.
I woke up long before Severus the next morning, but I didn't dare move. The only sound in the room was our breathing, my senses filled with nothing but him. He was sprawled out with one arm resting above his head while the other was placed around me. My head rested against his chest, eyes closed as I listened to the steady beat of his heart. Part of me wished I could freeze time, so that I could preserve this moment forever.
All too soon, though, Severus began to shift beneath me as he stirred awake. I froze, unsure of how he would react to find himself only half dressed and curled up in bed with me of all people. He had been pretty hammered the night before, and I doubted he remembered much. I could feel his body stiffen, and I held a breath of anticipation. Would he say something? Would he try to slip away without a word?
He surprised me, though, as he brushed his lips across the top of my head and said, "I know you aren't asleep." I remained silent, fighting the urge to smile. "Because if you were asleep, you would be snoring right now. Quite loudly," he added.
I smacked at his chest lightly and looked up at him. "I do not snore!"
"You could wake a coma patient, my dear," he sighed, his voice still gruff with sleep and his eyes squeezed shut in attempt to block out the dim sunlight streaming into the room. The small, carefree smile on his lips suddenly faltered, though. Looking rather green, he was up immediately, rushing straight for the bedroom door.
"The door to your left," I called out to him. Within seconds, the sounds of him retching filled the apartment. I climbed off the bed, not bothering with my robe as I trudged out of the bedroom. Severus had seen me naked countless times, so the fact that I was braless seemed fairly irrelevant in the face of that. I padded into the kitchen, immediately starting a kettle of tea before moving on to fix something to help Severus nurse his hang over.
The problem was that I had next to nothing in the cabinets, and I was now realizing I didn't have shit to cook. I spotted a box of crackers on the top corner shelf, though, which was just out of reach. As a woman of average height, I was fairly certain whoever built this apartment was half giant. Warmth suddenly enveloped the backside of my body as a black sleeved arm easily plucked the box off the shelf.
"Feeling better?" I asked Severus, my voice a few octaves above normal. He lingered there for a moment, long enough to send my heart into a frenzy, before stepping back and clearing his throat.
"Somewhat," he replied. "I hope you don't mind, but I took the liberty of opening a new toothbrush I found in a drawer."
"Of course not," I said, turning to face him. "Would you like some tea? I'm afraid I don't really have anything to eat here, but there's a cafe down the street that's quite nice."
"I'll pass for now. Thank you for... last night," he said awkwardly. "I don't remember everything clearly, but I do remember being quite forward with you and I apologize."
"There's nothing to be sorry for," I said softly. He watched me carefully for a moment before stepping forward and closing the gap between our bodies, leaving only centimeters between us. My breath caught in my throat at the action, and my brain seemed to simply shut down. I could only stare up at him and wait.
"I would very much like to kiss you," he spoke so softly, his voice so velvety and deep that I could barely even think of anything else.
"I don't think that would be a good idea," I said reluctantly.
"I don't understand why you're fighting this so hard, Kathryn. I love you, and I know you love me. So what's the problem? Why are you so determined to deny yourself happiness?" Severus asked. All I had to do was lean just a fraction, and our lips would be touching. It had been three months since I had felt his lips against mine, three excruciating months in which I had made absolutely no progress in getting over him in the slightest. Now here he was about to kiss me right there in the kitchen of my shitty little flat, and I was quickly beginning to lose any sense of reason I possessed.
"Do you know what I do for the Dark Lord? Have you heard the rumors?" I asked, side stepping away from him.
"I can help you, love. You don't have to continue down this path-"
"I have no choice but to continue down this path. I can't stop, Severus, I can't stop hurting people. If you stay I'm just going to hurt you too, and I can't live with that. So just get out while you can."
"I'm not giving up on you that easily. So just shut up and let me kiss you already, you stubborn woman," he said, his voice full of exasperation. He stepped in closer once again, and this time I didn't stop him as pressed his mouth against mine and kissed me with such vehemence that left me dizzy and craving so much more.
The edge of the counter was digging into my lower back, but I could barely even register the discomfort. The only thing that mattered was Severus and the way his hands felt as they slid down my torso and beneath the hem of my tank top, his fingers skimming along my flesh in a way that sent shivers throughout my entire body. I slid my hands over his chest and over his shoulders, my fingers eventually finding their way into his hair. I tugged at the dark locks wrapped in my fingers as I pressed myself closer against him, smirking as a satisfied growl rumbled through his chest. And then, as quickly as the fervor between us began, it ended.
I hissed as pain ebbed from my dark mark through the rest of my arm. "Shit, shit, shit. I was supposed to be at the Malfoy Manor by ten. I completely forgot," I groaned. Severus stepped back, and I already longed to feel his hands on my body again. There would surely be some kind of punishment awaiting me as it was though, most likely the Cruciatus Curse. It certainly seemed to be one of Voldemort's favorites.
"Training, I presume?" Severus asked as he straightened out his clothing.
"Yeah," I lied as I rushed into my bedroom in search of anything clean.
"Odd.. I remember the Dark Lord mentioning the end of your training just last month," Severus drawled, leaning against the door frame as I shimmied into a pair of wrinkled jeans I found on the floor. I looked away from him, keeping my eyes on absolutely anything else.
"What do you want me to say, Severus? It's not like I really have a choice either way," I bit back as I rummaged through the closet for a t-shirt. He was trying to start a conversation I desperately did not want to have with him.
"There's no need to lie about what you do for the Dark Lord. I'm well aware of the consequences of what we are doing, Kathryn."
"What we are doing? It seems your still under the impression that my loyalty has not changed."
"Are you saying that you are loyal to the Dark Lord now?" Severus asked.
"I am loyal to no one but myself. I serve Voldemort for survival. If all goes well, the Potter kid will kill his old ass, and I will be free to do as I wish. And if he doesn't, I fully intend of taking care of it myself. Until then, I'll do whatever I must."
"And what of your loyalty to the Order?"
"Like I said before, the Order go fuck themselves. I'll admit, the little "meeting" I was invited to was quite nice. You all had me. I actually thought I had found my place finally, but oddly enough it seems the only person who is not trying to kill me is Voldemort," I retorted as I pulled on my sneakers.
"Are you really so naive to think he doesn't plan to exterminate you the moment he is finished with you? Why do you think he wishes for you to produce heirs once the war is over, Kathryn? He will wait until you have a few children, he will drain you of every ounce of power you have, and he will kill you. Then one day, when those children are older, he will do the same to them," Severus said, his tone icy and dripping with frustration as he glared at me.
"Shades are some of the most powerful creatures in history. If you were to fully lose yourself to your power, you would be far more powerful than Voldemort could ever imagine being. The Dark Lord is smart. Do you honestly think he doesn't know that love is what has kept you grounded this long? If he wanted you to fully embrace the darkness, he would have locked you away in the Malfoy's cellar and broke you. He wants to keep you weak, because he sees you as a threat."
"Well, I don't suppose he will have to bother with exterminating me since you've already agreed to do it," I scoffed, furiously cramming my wand into my pocket.
"You speak as if I could ever actually do it," Severus shouted, startling me into silence. "I almost couldn't kill Albus, so how in the world do you think I could ever fucking hurt you, Kathryn? I love you, and I wish I could go back and change how I reacted the day you said it to me. I've never- you are the first woman to ever say that to me. I was in shock, I reacted badly, and I apologize for that."
"I lived my entire life before you believing that I could not be loved. It seemed that life always found some cruel way to remind me of that, and then you waltzed into my office one day and everything changed. For some unexplained reason you wanted me, and I couldn't understand why. I still don't for that matter. I messed up, but I am trying to fix it. Quit being so damn stubborn let me fix this, Kathryn. Please."
For a moment, everything else ceased to matter as I stepped toward Severus. I wanted nothing more than to kiss him again, to apologize for being such a bitch the past few months, but a jolt of pain shooting through my arm brought me back to reality. "I've got to- He's already going to kick my ass.."
"Yes, you should probably get going," Severus replied, his tone revealing nothing else as he dropped his gaze to the floor. I grabbed my wand out of my pocket to apparate, but I paused. I was already in deep shit anyways. I closed the distance between us and crashed my lips against his, trying to convey everything I felt but didn't have time to say.
"It is impossible to not want you," I said softly as I broke away and rested my forehead against his. The pain in my arm was becoming excruciating, and I was beginning to wonder if I could actually lose my arm from ignoring it. I stepped back, putting some distance between us and giving Severus a pained smile before he disappeared from sight as I apparated to Malfoy Manor.