CHAPTER ONE
//
SIGNS OF LIGHT
I let out a breath as I looked up at the building in front of me. One I hadn't been to in over ten years, but I felt the urge to come back. I stood on the sidewalk with my hands shoved in my coat pockets. The sun was setting behind me. The cold winter air had made my toes feel numb.
"First time?" A man walked up and stood next to me.
"Something like that," I nodded, turning to look at him for a brief moment.
"It can be scary," he nodded, he too was looking up at the building, "I was in your place too. Fifteen years ago. It was the best decision I've ever made. I've completely turned my life around. I'm married and I have a little girl. It's something you'd never think was possible. I can wait with you, if you'd like?"
"No, no," I shook my head, "Go ahead."
"Are you sure? Sometimes it's nice to go in with someone," he shrugged his shoulders.
"No, no. I'm okay. I just need a moment to myself," I gave me a small smile.
"Well, I hope to see you in there," he smiled back.
"Yeah," I nodded and let out an exhale, as he walked in, his shoes clicking against the pavement.
I blew out a puff of air before deciding to leave. What was I thinking? I didn't need to be there. I was fine. I was fine. At least that's what I tried to convince myself. And it had been working, at least for now.
¤¤¤
"Oh my god!"
I nearly fell out of the bed. I quickly reached for the bat, and stood up on the bed, almost knocking the ceiling fan.
"Hey! Hey!" The light flipped on, "It's just me! It's me!" Callie backed away, "Shit! I am so, so sorry! I didn't mean to-"
"Oh, no, no," I shook my head, as I lowered the bat, "I know you're probably thinking the same thing about me, but can I ask what you're doing here?" I stepped down from the bed, causing the springs to creak.
Callie sighed and took a seat on the edge of the bed, "I-I just can't stay at home anymore. Arizona and I-All we do is fight. Since that stupid leg," she started to tear up, "This is the only place I can think to go. My dead best friend's apartment to sleep in his bed." She laughed at herself and shook her head, "God, I'm sorry. How have you been? This isn't easy for you either. I'm sorry."
"Callie, stop apologizing. It's really fine, and I uh, I'm holding on," I glanced over at the clock, taking not of the time, "Shit. I need to get over to the hospital, uh, this was just supposed to be a short nap. So go ahead, stay as long as you like, okay? I have Ben's place too."
"Okay," she sniffled, "Thank you, Brandy. Really, thank you."
"Of course," I nodded, "Let me know if you need anything. We have to be there for each other."
"You're right. Well, I'll see you later," she smiled.
"Yeah, see you later," I nodded, then slipped out the bedroom, quietly shutting the door behind me.
"Why do I still have this?" I muttered to myself and threw the bat on the couch. I wasn't sure if I meant why I was carrying it around or why I had even held on to it for so lond. I don't even know why I had brought it with me, but I did. I had just felt scared lately. It was from Ben's place. He had it. He never used it, but sometimes I was scared he might.
I gathered my things and quickly got out of Mark's apartment. I couldn't stand to be there a second longer. It was starting to get to be too much. The last time we had been there together was when he told me that Callie was pregnant.
I closed the door behind me and was about to start down the hallway, but I stopped myself. My back fell against the door and I let out an exhale of air, before breathing it back in. Tears filled my eyes. I ran my hands through my hair. God, what the hell was I doing? What the hell was going on?
My phone started to buzz. I groaned and started to sift through my bag, looking for it. I fished it out and looked at it.
Phone
Jackson Missed Call (5)
"Damn it," I swore, throwing it back in my purse and rushing outside. The cold Seattle wind whipped at my face causing me to wince. Drops of water started to fall upon me. I hurried across the street and over to the hospital, wanting to escape the rain and hopefully not make Jackson more upset than he already was.
I hurried down to the tunnels and found Jackson waiting outside, clearly not happy.
"Brandy!" he shouted in a hushed tone, "What the hell?"
¤¤¤
a week and a half earlier
"What the hell?" Jackson's eyes widened, "Brandy?"
"Just get in here and shut that damn door! And keep your voice down!" I said in a hushed but stern tone, "I need help."
"Yeah, you do," he nodded, his eyes still wider than ever.
"Jackson, please. I need your help," my eyes swelled with tears, I looked up at him.
"Okay, fine," he nodded, "But I'm not taking the blame for this when you get caught."
"Yeah," I nodded, "Yeah, yeah."
"Tell me what you've got so far," he sighed, walking over to help.
¤¤¤
present day
"I'm sorry. I-I lost track of time," I said, walking back to the end of the tunnel towards where he was, where he had been for the past week and a half. I stood at the edge of the bed and looked down at him.
"Brandy," Jackson said.
"What?!" I snapped and turned around to look at him.
"We're going to need to do something about this," he said.
"I know! I know! I just haven't gotten to that yet. I-I know. I'm still figuring out the best possible way," I told Jackson.
"I think it's possible for you to figure this all out."
"Look, I can figure it out. I-I just need some time. I'll take care of it."
"We don't have time! He can't stay down here forever. Someone's gonna find him, and even if no one does," Jackson shook his head, "He needs to be in the ICU. He wasn't hooked up to the defibrillator for a while, okay? So, he's already worse off then he first was."
"You don't think I know all this?! I'm waiting for him to show some progress, then I'll tell Hunt. If I tell them now, they'll just try to kill him again!" I said, tears in my eyes, "I really think he's getting better. He's looking better."
"You're fucking crazy," Jackson spit at me, "Don't you think maybe he wanted to die? That was his choice not yours."
"Jackson, I wasn't going to let him die. It wasn't right. When he wakes up, he'll realize-"
"If. If he wakes up," Jackson corrected me.
"I've been doing some research, and I think I might have something-"
"You know what? This has gone too far. I'm turning you in," Jackson started to walk away.
"Jackson wait! Just give me a week or two more, okay?" I asked, "You don't have to help me anymore if you don't want to, okay? Just give me two weeks."
"Of course I want to help you. I want him to wake up. I do, Brandy. Just I don't know if it'll happen, especially like this. He needs to be an actual patient. He needs a lot of things he can't get in here."
"I just need you to be patient, okay? I'm going to try a few things with him, and we'll go from there."
"Alright. I'll be as patient as I can, but it's starting to get-"
"Too much? I know. I know, Jackson. I don't think I've thanked you yet. It took a lot for you to do this and help me. You're risking so much for him, for us. Thank you," I nodded.
"Of course," he nodded back, "I'm glad you did it, we just need to focus on getting him back. You can't break up the Plastics Posse."
"Yeah, I really hate that," I ran a hand through his hair, "I always thought it was the weirdest thing ever. You guys are so weird."
"Don't rip on the Plastics Posse!" Jackson said.
"I'm leaving," I shook my head.
"Hey! It's your night to stay with him," Jackson called after me.
"I thought no one could break up the plastics Posse?" I turned to look at him, as I continued to walk out.
"Not cool, Dixon. Not cool."
¤¤¤
thirteen hours before
"Derek Shepherd, multiple hand fractures with a median nerve injury. Arizona Robbins, open femur fracture with resultant above-knee amputation. Brandy Dixon, massive internal hemorrhage. Lexie Grey, deceased. Mark Sloan, deceased. This doesn't include extreme-"
I tuned out our lawyer as I thought about how everyone thought Mark was dead. How was I expecting to pull this off? I had fudged the records a little bit. Mark was still just as alive legally, if not more. But eventually it would come up in the papers. The lawyers would catch it and he would become legally dead. Making this already shitty situation, even shittier.
"-Wish for me to extend our deepest condolences." The other lawyer finished as I tuned back in, knowing I needed to listen. This was important. I wish we didn't have to do this, but we did. There was a lot of things we needed to do. It didn't seem fair though. We went through that awful crash and now it was like we were reliving it through countless meetings with unsimpathetic lawyers and representatives. I was ready to be done with it all. I wanted to put it all behind us and move on.
"How-How is the investigation going?" Derek spoke over him.
"Have they found what caused the crash?" Meredith asked.
"The investigation could take years. That's why we want to help put this tragedy behind you," the lawyer for the airline told us.
"I think you mean your clients would like to put it behind them," our lawyer told him.
"So I am authorized at this time to propose a onetime settlement," he said, ignoring her, "Bayview Aeronautics takes your losses seriously." He handed a piece of paper to Derek.
Derek opened it up and furrowed his eyebrows as he looked at it.
"Now, the settlement agreement must be unanimous, and it releases Bayview Aeronautics from any and all other claims, known or unknown."
Derek slid the paper over to Meredith who took a quick look before passing it on to Callie.
"But, most important it will allow you to put this painful time behind you and move on with your lives."
Callie raised her eyebrows before sliding it over to me and Owen to look at. I tilted my head trying to get a better look of it in Owen's hands.
"Holy mother of-" I stopped myself, realizing everyone was looking at me, "Uh, sorry, please continue."
"We expect to hear from you within the next three days," the lawyer said.
"Three days?" I looked at him, "You expect us to make a decision like this in three days?"
"Those are the terms of the agreement, yes," the lawyer nodded.
"Unbelievable," I muttered to myself, "Well, as much as I love sitting in here talking about this, I have work to do."
I sat up and walked out of the room. It was a lot of money. It would be able to help if I got in any legal trouble with the whole Mark situation, and help pay his hospital bills if he made it through. But on the other hand, we would never find out. Never know. It could happen again. If the airline made a mistake and it happened again, another group like us could suffer. They could lose their people too. It just didn't seem fair that they could offer us a bunch of money and then do nothing.
I opened the door to the attending's room and slammed it behind me.
"Hey! What was that for?" Bailey scolded me.
"Because I'm frustrated and felt like slamming a door," I sighed and plopped myself down on the couch.
"Wha-Wha-?" Bailey looked at me, clearly annoyed with me.
"Hey, Alex!" Meredith walked in, slamming the door behind her too.
"Hey!" Bailey scolded her, as well.
"Why did an intern just give me a compliment on the crown moldings in my empty house?" she asked, throwing her food on the table, nearly hitting Bailey, "Are you still sleeping there?"
"Chicks like it better than the on-call room," Alex shrugged, closing the fridge door.
"Okay, that's disgusting. Now I have to get the place tented. Give me my key back!" Meredith demanded.
"Alex! What the hell! That was supposed to be where I squatted next! The leases on both of my dead boyfriend's apartments are almost up. Great! Where am I going to live now?" I laid my head back and sighed. I could almost feel the confused and bewildered look Bailey was giving us all right now.
"First, you don't even live there anymore. What do you care?" Alex sat down next to Bailey with a bowl of cereal, "And ever thought of getting your own place?"
"Yeah, but my credit score is still recovering from being a 22 year old drug addict," I placed my arm over my forehead and looked at the ceiling.
"Key. Please." Meredith stretched her hand out.
"Hey guys!" April poked her head in the door, before walking in, rolling a suitcase behind her, "Can you believe we're in the attending's lounge?"
"I can believe Alex, Mer, and I are? What are you doing in here? I thought you failed your boards?" I said, without looking up.
"Ouch," she frowned.
"Don't mind her," Alex said, through a mouthful of cereal, "She just has two dead boyfriends."
"April, what are you doing here?" Meredith asked.
"Oh, Hunt came and got me on the farm in Moline. I was giving the pigs their breakfast and I turn around and there's Dr.Hunt on the farm, offering me my job back!" She said with a huge smile on her face, "Oh, he didn't tell you guys?" Her smiled quickly faded.
Alex shook his head, while he chewed his food.
"Did anyone else see Dr.Hunt in the barnyard?" Meredith asked.
"When he appeared to you was he glowing at all?" Alex looked up at April.
"Did he have wings?" I asked.
The door opened and Jackson walked in, "April?"
"Hunt hired her back," Meredith said.
"We think," Alex added, "Might've been Jesus."
"Or one of my two dead boyfriends," I added.
"I thought you went to Tulane?" April furrowed her brows.
"Uh, yeah. No, I-I changed my mind," he said, lifting his shirt off his head.
"Hey! Hey! You guys are attendings! Don't change clothes in front of everyone like you're animals or interns, cause no one wants to see all that," Bailey said, looking at Jackson with disgust.
"Apparently Kepner does," Alex said.
"What?" April said.
"Ha!" I laughed from the couch.
"No I don't," she shook her head, "I-I wasn't e-he-I-I," she began to stammer.
"Gotta go," Alex said, as he got an alert on his phone, "Welcome back, April."
"Me too," Meredith said, as the two of them started out the door.
"Uh-" Bailey frowned, picking up Alex's bowl and lifting it in the air, but he was already gone. She groaned and set it back on the table
"Glad you're back," Jackson said, not so enthusiastic.
"I am back," she nodded, "Too...I am also glad to be back," she said, clicking the 'k'.
Jackson ignored her and walked right around her out the door.
"Well," I sat up, "I am back too that you're back, April."
"Ha ha," she rolled her eyes.
"Sorry, the dead-"
"Right, the dead boyfriend thing, yeah," she nodded.
"Two. Two dead boyfriends," I corrected her, "Can't forget the second one! Although I kinda wish I could forget them both. Welcome back, April."
¤¤¤
two days later
"My wife is disabled," Callie said, setting the coffee pot down on the table, "My daughter's father is dead." Her grip tightened on the coffee mug she was holding.
I shifted uncomfortably in my chair as those words came out of her mouth, if only she knew. It felt wrong keeping this from her. Not only was Mark her best friend but the father of her child. What was she going to think when she found out what really happened?
"There's nothing we can do about that," she said, pulling out a chair and sitting down, "But this money could take care of Arizona's rehab. It would take care of our little girl. Mark's little girl. This is a huge amount of money. A life-changing amount of money."
"Alright," Meredith nodded, "So, you're saying we should take it.
"I'm just saying you don't walk away from a number, like this," Callie said, walking over her to her chair.
"Well, I'm still talking to Cristina, but I think she wants to take it," Owen said.
"Mer?" Callie looked over to her.
"Yeah, I mean, I guess yeah," she nodded.
"Brandy?" Callie's eyes shifted over to me.
"I-I guess so," I shrugged, "I mean I'd be lying if I said I couldn't use the money."
The only reason I wanted to take the money was for Mark. If he made it out, there would be a lot of shit we'd have to take care of. A lot. This money would take care of it all.
"Derek, what do you think? It has to be unanimous. What do you say?"
"I say, we have until tomorrow to decide."
¤¤¤
"How's he doing?" Jackson asked.
"Same old, same old," I shrugged.
Jackson nodded, "I think we need to go to Hunt."
"I said I just need a couple weeks, Jackson," I turned to him, "The Dana's come out with some new research and treatment options I want to try out."
"Brandy, he's only a patient here in the books. Everyone else thinks he's dead okay? You can't treat him like a regular patient anymore."
"I know," I nodded, looking down at him, "Jackson I know. I gave the guy in the morgue $20 and a coupon to Dick's! It should work for awhile right?"
"That guy really should be fired," Jackson stuffed his hands in the pockets of his lab coat.
"Yeah, he's pretty creepy," I narrowed my eyes frowned.
"Okay, that's besides the point. You need to tell Owen," he said.
"Alright, alright. I will."
"Sooner rather than later," he said.
"Okay, okay. I'm going to!"
"I don't think they'll unplug him again, Brandy. After all this, they couldn't."
"Maybe you're right. I'm going to lose my job, probably my license though, Jackson. I'm sure no one's ever put a patient back on life support before, and paid off the morgue guy with $20 and an expired coupon to Dick's Drive In."
"Expired? You better hope he doesn't find you," Jackson said.
I let out a laugh, "I think I'll be okay, but god. This is such a huge mess."
I started to realize what a big mess this actually was. I started to think of all the outcomes of this situation. None of them being super great. We had gotten ourselves into some deep shit, but all cared about was Mark waking up.
"God, it really is, isn't it?" it seemed like he was starting to think through it all too.
"What have we done?" I looked over at Jackson.
"You mean what have you done?"
"Yeah, yeah," I shook my head, "Whatever. You're right, though. I'm going to tell Owen by the end of the week. I'll keep you out of it"
"That's great. Good luck," he smiled, "And thank you. You don't need to do that."
"I'm going to though, and I'm going to need that luck, so thanks," I took a breath, "So, you want to tell me what's going on with you and April?"
"Good night," he said.
"Night, Jackson," I sighed, "Tomorrow I guess."
Jackson ignored me and walked out. Something weird was definetly happening between the two, but I wasn't sure what.
"Can you wake up for me please? I'm sick of having these one-sided conversations with you. I don't know what to do about the settlement. Everyone wants to settle, but Derek. I don't know what Derek wants. I don't know if Derek knows what Derek wants."
All that I could hear was the white noise coming from his machines. I missed being able to have a real conversation. I knew he would know what to do in this situation. He would've have the right idea.
"We shouldn't settle right? God, it's so much money. We'd be taken care of. But then we never find out. We'd never know. And it could happen again. All over again to someone else. I just don't know what to do, Mark. I really wish you were here."
I rested my head against his hand as I held it. I was so frustrated. I just needed something from him. I needed something.
"Is it because I paid the morgue $20 and an expired coupon? I swear you are worth so much than all of that. Even more than all of that settlement money combined, okay? To me you are worth everything. You're worth more than everything in this world."
"Really nothing? That can't even get you up? I've given you everything here. My whole heart! I got nothing left," tears filled my eyes, "I'll have nothing left without you."
¤¤¤
the next morning
"I-I don't if I can do this," I shook my head and whispered to Derek, "Should we even be here?"
"I could get in a lot of trouble for this," one of the investigators said as he unlocked the door to the garage where they were holding all the evidence from the plane crash.
Inside was all the pieces of the plane, laid out neatly and organized. Tape lined the floor, sectioning off the different parts. Derek stepped right in and started to walk up the aisle.
"Derek!" I called after him, and followed him in, "Whoa."
My breath was taken away. It was weird to see it all here and not in the woods. I couldn't explain what I felt it felt weird. It wasn't right. It was something I had never felt before.
Derek started to walk around and I hesitantly followed behind him. I saw a couple of the seats we were sitting in, a couple windows, and a bunch of parts I had no idea what they were for, or rather what they were supposed to be for and do.
"The plane's main aft broke away from the main cabin," the agent said, "The tail was recovered in,uh, zone one. And that's a keel beam," the man pointed out as Derek walked near it, "It was recovered in zone two, about half a mile away. And that's the R-3 cabin door."
"What happens to all this? What happens if we settle?" Derek asked.
The agent just shrugged.
"Derek, I think I'm ready to leave," I said, my breath heavy. I felt uneasy being in there. It made me feel like I was reliving the crash all over again. I saw the very seats we sat in. The windows I was looking out of.
"Okay, Thanks," he nodded to the man, who simply nodded back.
I hurried out, Derek following not too far behind me.
"Why the hell did you bring me here?" I looked over to Derek, as he walked out. I leant up against the brick wall, almost out of breath.
"I don't think I ever told you that I'm sorry," he said, looking up at me.
"Huh?" I looked at him with a puzzled face.
"I-I was sure you weren't breathing. I-I checked I thought you were gone," he shook his head, "I-I don't know what happened."
"Derek," I pushed myself off the wall, "Don't be sorry. You were probably scared. You were shocked, there was a lot happening. I'm fine now. Nothing bad happened from you leaving me."
"I had to tell Mark that you were dead," he shook his head, "I-I won't ever forget the look on his face, Brandy. He-he was crushed. No, he was destroyed. You were everything to him. You should know that."
"Derek," I frowned, with tears in my eyes.
"After he met you," a small smile grew on his face, "He changed, Brandy. You changed him. I never saw him look at another woman again after you. Mark Sloan, of all people. But, it makes me think. Maybe if he knew you were alive, he would've fought harder. He wouldn't have gotten so sick out there."
"Derek," I nearly scolded him, "Don't say that. Don't act like his death was your fault, because it wasn't. It wasn't any of our faults. We kept him alive the best we could out there. We got him back here, but it just wasn't enough. God, you're going to hate me, but then you're going to love me."
"What do you mean?" he frowned.
"I did something. Something, I-I can't tell you right now. I can't tell you if it's good or bad. I don't know. I'd like to think it's a good thing with some bad consequences, but it'll be worth it. It'll be worth it."
"Brandy?" he looked at me puzzled.
The chain rattled behind us, as the man picked it up and locked the door up, sealing the wreck from us.
"I know what I said earlier, but thanks for bringing me out here. I think I finally got some of the closure I've been needing," I told Derek as we started to walk back, "It kinda feels good, actually"
"It kinda does, doesn't it?" he said, "It would also feel good if I knew what you meant?"
"You'll find out soon enough."
¤¤¤
"So, we've all agreed and-" Meredith was quickly cut off.
"No. We can't do this," Derek said, turning to look at me. I nodded to him, reassuring him that it was the right thing to do, "We saw the plane. Brandy and I went to the hangar. We saw the pieces of our plane laid out on the floor like a jigsaw puzzle. If we agree to settle, they do the investigation and we get to do nothing with the results."
"Bayview aeronautics will take the results and act accordingly," their lawyer told us.
"Oh, I'm sure you'll be very thorough. Big companies are always very good about self-policing."
"Mistakes happen, Derek," Callie said, nearly scolded him, "Accidents happen. We make mistakes that cost lives, too."
"Yes, we do. But when we do, we have M&M's, we pore over the files. We make sure it never happens again. And we try to make sure future patients never have to go through that grief. We just can't sit by and let this happen to other people's," he paused as he took a breath, "Lexies and Marks. We have to do something about it. We have to make this right."
"If I could interject for a moment-" our lawyer started.
"Be quiet," Meredith motioned her hand to her.
"Your decision does have to be unanimous," she continued.
"She said be quiet," Owen told her.
"Callie? What are you thinking?" Derek looked over to her.
"My advice at this time is-"
"Shut up!" Owen, Meredith, and I shouted at her.
"You're not one of," Callie turned to the lawyer, as she started to cry, "You don't know what we've been through." Callie started to cry. She took a moment to collect herself, "Derek's right. We shouldn't take the money. We can't take it."
One by one we each threw our contracts back to the lawyer. We had all come to an agreement. We weren't settling.
¤¤¤
fifteen minutes later
"We decided not to settle," I held onto Mark's hand, "I think it's good. I think it's what you would've wanted. Right? That's what you wanted. God, I don't know, anymore. Can you even hear me right now?" I sighed, "This is pointless."
I nearly jumped when I felt it. I felt what I had been waiting months for.
"Mark?" I frowned, "Did-did you just-I-I" I was speechless.
"How's he doing?" Jackson asked.
"I-I think he just squeezed my hand, Jackson," I said, standing up, "He squeezed it."
"What?" he frowned.
"He's waking up. He's coming back," I smiled, "We're getting him back!"
"Wait, wait, wait," he stopped me, "Are you sure? You didn't make this up? Maybe think it was happening?"
"Jackson! I know that I did. He's coming through."
"I-I don't know what to say."
"He's waking up," I laughed, "Jackson, do you realize that?! We're getting him back!"
"Don't get too excited. We don't know for sure yet," Jackson shrugged..
"Jackson, I really think this is it."
¤¤¤
later that night
Tonight I decided to stay at Ben's apartment. His lease was going to be up soon and I needed to start cleaning it out. I had been pushing it off for awhile now. I wanted to forget that him and everything in his house existed. I wanted to just stay at Mark's. I wanted to lay in his bed and dream of the day when he'd be back there. I knew it might be a long shot. I did, but it was hard not to have hope. I had decided the next big sign of recovery, I'd tell Owen everything. That way he could get the treatment he needed. The closer he got to waking up, the more things he would need. I knew it was coming soon. Him squeezing my hand was a good sign. I knew he was there, he was in there.
If or when he woke up he was probably going to need a lot of therapy. Probably for years to come. Being in a coma can take a lot from you. Your brain loses more and more everyday. So, the sooner he woke up the better.
I groaned when I heard the ringtone on my phone go off. The vibrating caused an obnoxious rattle against the table. I ran into the kitchen and swiped it off the table.
"Hey, Mer? What's up?" I said, taking a seat at the kitchen table.
"Oh, well, I'm at the hospital right now and I decided to go on a little walk. Clear my head about all this settlement stuff."
"Right?" I furrowed my brows.
"Yeah and I ended up in the tunnels."
"You did?" I said, my voice dripping in fear and guilt.
"Can you tell me why I'm seeing Mark in front of me. Very not dead. I wouldn't say very alive, but very not dead. Very, very not dead."
"Okay, I can explain. Maybe I should come down there and tell you. Just don't say anything to anyone right now, okay?"
"This is like the LVAD wire all over again, isn't it?"
"No! Of course not. This is much different than the LVAD wire!"
"And how is that?"
"This is much worse than the LVAD. Much worse."
¤¤¤
I rushed right away over to the hospital. What if someone was with Meredith? Would she be able to keep this from Derek? So much ran through my mind as I made the short walk from the apartment to the hospital.
"Mer!" I shouted as I neared the tunnels, getting worried, "Are you still here?"
"Oh, hey!" Alex shouted, "You know where she is? I've been looking everywhere for her. I need to ask her a few things."
"Oh, yeah. I don't know where she is," I said, looking him dead in the eyes.
"You just called her name. She's in the tunnels?" he looked over my shoulder, "What's she doing in there?" He frowned, walking towards them.
"Alex! No don't-Alex!" I shouted as he walked in.
"Mer! My realtor sent me a list of-whoa," he stopped in his tracks.
"Alex," I groaned.
"What the hell?" he frowned.
"Surprise!?" I said, with a sheepish look, "Mark's uh, not dead."
"Oh, hell no. This is the LVAD all over again. Im out of here," Alex turned around.
I just groaned and walked back over to Meredith and Mark.
"Okay, I can explain," I said.
"Really?" she crossed her arms.
"Why are you acting like my mom right now? You know, I don't have to explain myself to you."
"Yeah, but I think you better," she said.
"Alright fine. Imagine that was Derek. And they were just going to kill him," I motioned to Mark.
She didn't say anything, just looked up at me.
"I'm going to tell Owen, okay?" I walked over and sat down at his bedside, "He's getting better. He's responded to verbal commands."
"Are you serious?" she asked, almost not believing me.
"Well, more or less. I asked him to give me a sign and he squeezed my hand," I looked over at her.
"Brandy," she frowned.
"No," I shook my head, "You don't get to do this. You can't tell me you wouldn't do the same thing if it was Derek."
"Mark signed those papers for a reason. I think we should extubate him."
"Meredith! No!" I screamed at her.
"Brandy, legally he's dead. You're going to lose your medical license over this. You'll get fired. He might not even wake up. Listen, I know you love him. And I can't even imagine if that was Derek. But this insane! This could land you upstairs."
"No," I scoffed, "I won't go there."
"Brandy, you put your ex-boyfriend back on life support against his will and kept him in here. Do you see how crazy this is?"
"I-I," I sighed, "Legally speaking, he's not exactly dead."
"What do you mean?" She asked me, "Brandy!"
"I-I might've changed the paperwork to say one year instead of thirty days and I gave that guy in the morgue $20 and an expired coupon to Dick's."
"Oh, Ed!" Alex laughed, "That guy is something else."
"You did what?! Do you realize how this is going to mess with the settlement?!"
"I-I didn't think about that. We can just tell that lawyer lady she was mistaken! She's kinda a dip anyway."
"Brandy, this could turn around to bite us in the ass," she said.
"I'm going to Owen, soon. I'm taking all the blame. You just have to pretend like you didn't know any of this happened okay?"
"Whatever," she shook her head, "You figure this out. I'm not getting involved."
"Fine! I don't want your help, anyway!" I yelled at her as she walked away.
"Dude, you are so totally going upstairs," Alex shook his head.
¤¤¤
"I'm never going to finish this," I laid on my back, in the bedroom of Ben's apartment. I was trying to go through his closet. Despite it being so small, it was filled with lots and lots of crap. Most of it was all garbage.
I pulled out a small wooden box. It looked pretty old and worn. I opened it up and saw a plethora of drugs inside. There were multiple little bags of white powder along with even smaller bags filled with little tabs.
"Son of a bitch," I swore, slamming the box shut and throwing it into the closet.
I decided that was enough cleaning for tonight. I couldn't be in that stupid apartment anymore with those stupid drugs. It was too much for me. Lately I had felt like relapsing. It was so stupid, but I wanted it again. I wanted to feel good again. I had been chasing a high ever since I had the morphine at the hospital in Boise. I had managed to stay away from drugs, but the natural high wasn't cutting it anymore. I wanted the real thing. I needed the real thing. I really needed it.
"Shut up!" I told myself as I cupped my face in my hands, "Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up. Shut up. Shut up!"
You're not going to throw everything away for this. It's not worth it. You don't need it. You don't.
That's when I realized I wanted to use for another reason. A completely different reason. I hadn't been able to stop thinking about the vision, dream, whatever it was I had out in the woods. I was begining to think it was real. I thought maybe I had really died out there, or got close to it at least.
I pulled out my phone with shaky hands and opened the call log. I scrolled through, until I found the right number. I clicked it and it started to dial. I held it up to me ear, waiting for an answer.
"Please answer," I mumbled to myself, as it went through a string of rings.
"Hello? Brandy? It's late? Why are you calling?"
"Yeah. Nice to talk to you too," I sighed, "Derek. I-I need to talk to you about something."
"At three in the morning?" he sighed. His voice was deep and groggy. I assumed I had just woken him up.
"I'm sorry I woke you but I needed to tell you this. I-I think I was actually dead. I think I was dead for awhile," I said, my hand still shaking, "I just realized this. I-I don't know where it came from, but-"
"Wha-What do you mean?" he asked, cutting me off.
"In the woods, Derek! When you said you checked for a pulse and there was nothing. I think you were right. I-I was actually dead," I furrowed my brows, realizing how crazy I sounded.
"Brandy, you need to get to bed. Good night."
"No! No! Wait!" I quickly said, trying to stop him, "I-I went to heaven or something, Derek. I-I saw my grandpa. And my dad and my brother. My baby brother, Derek. And-And George and Izzie! Denny was there too, Derek."
"It was probably a dream. Your body went into shock and that's how it responded. I was so shaken up from the crash, I could've easily missed your pulse."
"Derek, I saw Lexie too. Before I knew she had even died. And Mark too. He was there. I-I didn't get to talk to him or anything. I-I don't know," I shook my head, "I just didn't want you to feel bad about not staying with me. Because I think you were right, I was actually dead."
"Ho-how is that possible?" I could almost imagine the look on his face.
"I-I don't know Derek, but all I do know is I want to see them again. I-I think I'm going to," I pulled the wooden box out of the closet.
"Whoa, whoa," I heard some shifting, "Brandy, stop. Where are you right now? I'm coming. Don't do anything stupid."
"Oh no, Derek. I didn't mean that. Don't worry. After my great grandma died, I would see her all the time when I tripped. My ten years is basically already thrown away from the morphine they gave me in Boise, so I'm gonna take some LSD. Bye."
"Brandy-" I cut him by hanging up before he could even finish.
I let out an exhale before I opened up the box. I pulled out the small baggy with the tabs in them.
I looked at the bag for awhile, conetmplating what I was about to do. I wanted to see my dad right now. He was always there for me when something was going wrong. I pulled them out of the bag and broke a tab off and placed it on my tongue. I took a breath from my nose and closed my eyes. I hadn't tripped in over ten years, but man, it was already feeling great. Why did I ever stop? I wanted to live on drugs forever, I was happy now. I felt good.
It had been about an hour now and it was finally starting to kick in. I was so excited for what was to come. I could see them again. But it was all shattered pretty quickly when I saw someone I wasn't expecting.
"Why are you here? I asked for my dad!"
I looked up in front of me and saw him towering over me. He looked dark and scarier than I remembered him.
"I told you, you couldn't escape me. You can never leave. I'm always here. I'm always here."
"Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head," I pulled my legs into my chest, and squeezed my head, "Get out of my head!"
My throat started to burn and it felt like it was literally on fire. I felt like I was on fire. My skin felt like it was burning, from the inside out.
"You're pathetic. Did you know that?" he whispered in my ear.
I started to cry. I felt helpless. I felt alone. I felt scared. Maybe this had been a bad idea.
"You always have been. You're always going to be. You went through all that shit to save him, and you just left me to die. You left me to die, Brandy! You killed me!" His voice was rough and deep, almost like a growl.
"Ben, I didn't kill you. These stupid drugs did!" I grabbed the box and threw it at the wall, causing a bang which sent a ringing through my ears.
"You didn't try to save me. Look at all the shit you're going through for him. I-I guess I wasn;t worth it for you, huh? You never cared about me or loved me? How do you think that makes me feel?"
"I'm so sorry, Ben," I looked up at him with tears in my eyes, "I'm so sorry."
"Brandy!" I heard someone shout from the other room.
"Get out! Get out," I cried.
"In here!" the voice called again.
"Get out," I whimpered, "He's in here. He's right."
"Brandy, oh my god," Meredith sighed, Derek not far behind her.
"Please, get out of my head," I panted, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"Take this," Meredith slipped a pill into my hand.
"Will it make him go away?" I looked up at her.
"I already told you that I'm always here! You stupid bitch! You never listened!"
"Stop it!" I screamed out.
"Brandy, please take it," she nodded, "It'll make him go away."
"Okay," I nodded, popping the pill into my mouth.
"You're okay now. You're okay," she comforted me, rubbing my back.
"I'm okay now," I said, breaking into a sob, "I'm okay and he's gone."
¤¤¤
I groaned as my eyes opened. I was starting to feel the pain now that I was awake. The light coming in the windows stung my eyes.
"What?" I frowned, pushing myself up. I was in Derek's and Meredith's new house.
"Morning," Derek said from the kitchen.
"Morning," I said in a puzzled tone, turning around to look into the kitchen, "Uh, why am I here?"
"Oh, you had sort of a rough night," he stepped out of the kitchen, holding a mug and a glass of water, "Here." He set the glass in front of me.
"Thanks," I sighed, picking it up and taking a sip as he sat down next to me.
"I got drunk didn't I? Great, I've been doing great lately with the drinking, and now-"
"No, no," he shook his head, "It wasn't alcohol, Brandy. It was something else."
"I-I didn't did I?"I sighed and laid my head back so I was staring up at the celing, "Whatever, it doesn't matter. I got morphine in Boise. My ten years were thrown away anyway. You know, they gave me a prescription for oxy. I haven't filled it yet. It's sitting on the counter at Ben's. I need to throw it away, but I can't let myself. Can I ask, was it bad last night? Did you see it?"
"A bit. It doesn't matter you're okay now. You mentioned to me that you used to use to see your great grandma."
" Oh, yeah, I would trip a lot," I nodded, "I'm guessing that's what I did last night?"
"Yeah, but I think instead it was to see Mark."
"Mark?" I looked at him.
"Yeah, you mentioned him to me," Derek nodded.
"Oh," I frowned, "Nothing happened to him, right? He's still good?"
"Brandy, you-you forgot?" He looked at me, confused.
"I-I," I sighed, and laughed to myself, "I forgot!" I played it off. Well, the truth was I had forgot. I had forgotten Derek didn't know about Mark. When he said I was seeing Mark, I instantly thought maybe something had happened. I knew I needed to get to him. Jackson was probably freaking out.
"I forgot," I smiled at Derek, "I-I don't know. I guess it just hasn't hit me yet. It's only been a couple weeks."
"I forget too," he looked down at his lap, "I-I walk into the hospital expecting to see him and he's not there. It's just not right."
"Derek, there's something I need to tell you," I inhaled shakily, "Uh, I-"
My phone started to ring. I picked it up and looked and saw Jackson was calling.
"Shit! I have to go, I'm sorry, Derek. Thanks for everything, I appreciate it," I said, stumbling off the couch and over to the door, attempting to put my coat on at the same time as my shoes.
"Brandy, where are you going? You don't-" he looked at me with confusion.
"Thanks again, Derek," I said cutting him off. I ran back over towards the couch, "Bye. Love you." I said kissing his head before running out, "Bye!" I said, shutting the door behind me.
"Hello?" I answered the phone, "Jackson?"
"Hey, I tried calling you last night," he said, "I think you should get down here, right away."
"Why? What's the matter?" I started to get worried.
"Brandy," I heard Derek call behind me.
"Just get down here. I gotta go, but I'll see you," he hung up the phone.
Tears swelled in my eyes. What if this was it? What if this was the end?
"Brandy," Derek came up behind me, "Where are you going?"
"I need a ride to the hospital. I think he's going, Derek. I think it's the end."
"Brandy, what the hell is going on?"
I turned to look at him, "I'll show you when we get to the hospital, but I need you to promise me something." Tears started to run down my cheeks.
"Why are you crying? Is everything okay?" he looked at me with worry in his eyes.
"You trust me right?" I looked at him.
"Of course," he nodded.
"Okay, I just need you to trust me and promise you won't get upset at me. Can you do that?"
"Brandy, you're making me feel concerned-"
"Can you do that?!" I repeated myself.
"Yeah, yeah," he nodded.
"Then we need to go," I said, walking over to the car.
I leant my head against the window and looked out the whole ride. I felt so nervous and anxious. Not knowing what to expect. Was he already gone? God, this was a horrible idea. What if he had been in pain this whole time? I was just making him suffer even more. What was wrong with me? Why did I put him through this?
When Derek parked the car, I quickly got out and took off running towards the hospital.
"Brandy! Wait!"Derek yelled, shutting the door behind him and following behind me.
"Derek, we have to go!" I shouted.
When I got inside the hospital, I slowed down and waited for him in the entrance, "Derek. Let's go, come on. I don't know how much time we have."
"I'm right here. I'm right here," he came up behind me.
I walked as fast I could over to the tunnels.
"Where are we going?" Derek frowned.
"You said you trusted me, right?" I turned to look at him.
"Yes, but now I'm not so sure," he said.
"Wait here a second," I said, stopping him outside the tunnel.
"Okay, what the hell is going on?" he looked at me in confusion.
"Please, Derek," I turned away and looked down to see Jackson with Mark, "Jackson?"
"Brandy, get over here!" he said to me.
"What-what's happening?" I hesitantly walked down to him.
"He's moved up to a eight," his face beamed.
"An eight? You mean on the GSC?" I asked, as a smile creeped on my face.
He nodded.
I slapped his arm, "Fuck you!"
"Ow! Why?" He looked at me.
"You made me think something bad happened!" I said.
"I'm sorry, but I was on the phone with you and he started talking. It started last night. Every once and awhile it happens, randomly. I don't think it's anything in particular, but it's a good sign. It's the sign we've been waiting for."
"The next sign," I nodded, "Great, I-I'm going to tell Owen tonight. Look, I brought Derek to see-"
"Shepherd? You're going to let another person find out? This is getting too risky, Brandy, can't you just wait until you tell- "
"Owen. I'm telling Owen, tonight. It's fine," I said, turning to get Derek.
"I don't know if I trust you anymore," Derek shrugged, as I got outside.
"Derek, you're about to see something that might freak you out a bit. So, I just need you to prepare yourself, okay?"
"Oh god, is Meredith okay? Did-"
"Derek, no. Just be prepared okay?"
"Uh, okay," he gave me a puzzled nod.
"He's all yours," Jackson said, walking out.
"Okay, are you sure you're ready?" I looked at him.
"I don't know what the hell is happening, but I guess so," he said.
"Okay, here we go," I took a breath and led him into the tunnels.
"Uh," Derek was speechless.
"Yeah," I nodded, "You probably have a lot of questions. I will answer all of them, but I can't now. I have to see a patient in twenty, and I already missed rounds today, so, uh, bye. But he is okay. He's an eight out of fifteen right now on the GCS. I think he's waking up. We're gonna get him to a fifteen. I gotta run, but I'll explain it all later, okay?"
"O-okay," he nodded, clearly shocked.
"I'll leave you two alone," I said, before running out and up towards the attending's room.
"Whoa, is that Cristina?" I asked, as I walked into the attending's room, and saw Meredith on a skype call, "Hey, Cristina!"
"Hey! What's up Yang!" Jackson, leaned over Meredith's shoulder and threw his bag on the table.
"I'm about to be an acomplice to a murder," she repsonded.
"Uh!" Bailey uttered, looking at Jackson's bag he had sloopily threw on the table.
"I always knew you'd find your specialty," I smiled at Cristina, leaning over Meredith's other shoulder.
Bailey slapped a sticky note on Jackson's bag.
"What are you-" Jackson picked up the note.
'This is not your closet!'
He huffed and picked up the bag, hitting April's coffee out of her hand and all over her.
"Oh!" April exclaimed.
Jackson grabbed a towel and was about to hand it to April, "Actually, I know. Let's pretend this never happened." He gave her a smile before turning away and walking out.
"That's weird, anyway, uh, Mer thanks for, uh, everything last night. And letting me crash," I looked at her.
"Oh, yeah, of course," she nodded.
Bailey slapped another note on a snoring Alex's forehead, 'This is not your bed!'
"What?" Alex was woken up.
"Today is a weird day. A very weird day," I nodded
Bailey walked over and put a note a note over Cristina's face.
"What!" Meredith frowned at the note, 'Scrub in with Kepner.'
Alex groaned and threw his sticky note on the floor and went back to sleep.
"What? Show me. Show me," Cristina said to Meredith.
Meredith scrunched her nose and flipped the note so April and Meredith could see it.
"Dr.Bailey, all due respect but I can handle a hernia repair on my own!" she scolded Bailey.
"Well, you've been working with Pigs. Maybe she's worried you'll slaughter someone out of habit," Cristina's voice came through the speakers of the tablet.
"Oh," April said in a mocking voice, as Bailey slammed the door on her way out.
"I gotta go get ready," I said, grabbing a pair of scrubs, "I have to meet a patient at-" I looked at the clock, "Now. Dammit. Alex you sure you don't want this one?"
He groaned and threw his arm in the air, shooing me away.
"I guess that's a no," I sighed.
¤¤¤
"Good morning," I smiled as I walked in, "Sorry, I'm late. I'm Dr.Dixon." I outstretched my hand to the patient's mom, "Mrs.Preston, hello."
"Oh. Aly, please" she said with a smile.
"Nice to meet you. And this must be Samantha, right?" I smiled at the little girl.
"Sammy!" she said with a smile of her own.
"Sammy, awesome!" I smiled, "It is a pleasure to meet you. And this is Dr.Ross, he's going to be helping me help you."
"My husband should be back in a couple minutes, if we could wait for him," Aly asked.
"Yeah, of course," I nodded.
"Sammy, you're five, right?" I asked, looking over her chart.
"Five and a half," she corrected me.
"Oh, that's right. We can't forget the half can we?"
"Sorry, I'm here," her dad said, walking in.
"Honey, this is Dr.Dixon and Dr.Ross," Aly introduced to her husband.
"It's nice to meet you," I shook his hand with a smile.
"We've met before haven't we?" he looked at me with a puzzled look.
"I'm sorry," I frowned, "I don't think-"
"I-I know you," he nodded, "Yeah, I know you."
Then it all became familar to me. He was the man outside. I had seen him outside the NA building
"I-I" I didn't know what to say to him.
"I'm sorry, we can't have you as our daughter's doctor. We need to get a new doctor," he shook his head.
"Hank? What's the matter?" Aly frowned.
"Daddy. I like Dr.Dixon. She's the nicest doctor I ever had," Sammy frowned.
"I want you out of here now," he scolded me.
"Sir, if you would like we can go to a private room and talk about-"
"No! I said I want you out! And get us a new doctor! Now!" he shouted.
"Sir-"
"Out now!" he continued to shout.
I nodded, "Dr.Ross. I'm sorry about all this, I will have a new doctor assigned to your case by the end of the day." I turned around and walked out of the room. Ross following behind me.
"Hank, what was that about?" I could hear his wife asking him.
"Yeah, what was that about? He can't do that can he? For no reason at all?" Ross frowned as we walked out.
"Yep," I nodded, "Unfortunately he can," I said looking into their room. His arms crossed and his eyes still on me, "And there definitely was a reason. A big reason."
¤¤¤
A/N: Wow. I cannot believe we've made it to the second book. Thanks for your patience with me and reading this far! I know it was kinda a long chapter but I wanted to make it as great as I could for you guys since you waited so long. Thanks for reading and stay tuned for more. I can't wait to show you guys what's in store for this second book
So, Mark's still alive! Do you think he's going to make it out of the coma? And what do you think is going to happen with Sammy? Please tell me what you thought of this chapter and what you're hoping to see! And please, please, vote if you enjoyed it. I'd love for this book to be as big as For A Reason, if possible.
One last time, thanks for your support guys and see you soon!