A/N: I present to you, my revised Chapter One! I will be taking down the remaining chapters of the book and republishing them one at a time. I'm going to try to save as much of the stuff I've already published as I can, but there will be several changes. I over thought this book out in the beginning, and over criticized it to the point that I made a mess of the whole thing. To those of you who have waited around this entire time thank you so much for hanging in there with me. I hope I can make it up to you all!
For as long as I could remember, I had been steered to the path of goodness. The path of kindness and understanding, because those around me feared what I would become if I ever stumbled off the road they had so carefully laid out before me. For most of my life, I had been thankful for that. Thankful to have others that cared for me, that looked out for me. I was content with my boring existence. For that is what I had been taught. I had been so afraid of my true self, so afraid of the darkness that lurked within me, that I had never really allowed myself to live.
I had spent so many years so utterly afraid of what it meant to embrace my birthright that I had never considered what there was to gain. For the first time since my abilities had made themselves known, I felt strong. I was no longer a weak, fearful little girl who hid behind potions and meditations. With the acceptance my true nature, I had gained a sort of freedom.
As it turned out, giving into the darkness didn't magically make everything better as the voice had so sweetly promised, though. In fact, it only made it all worse. It was like I was an addict, craving reasons to use my power like it was my next fix, knowing all the while that it was destroying me. I couldn't stop, though, no matter how badly I wished I could take it back at times. The occasions that thoughts of the past managed creep their way into my head were the hardest, but I needed more.
The awful things I did always felt good during the act, and I always clung to the elated in feeling inside of me like it was a lifeboat. I knew once the high wore off and I was alone, the guilt would set in. The gut wrenching, horrid guilt that would rack through my entire being always came after. My power was doing exactly what I was warned of from the beginning- it was tearing my soul apart, and I felt more powerless than ever to stop it. I could barely sleep thanks to the nightmares, and I could barely eat because of how sickened I was with myself. Much like the time Tonks found me outside of the burrow, I had began losing chunks of time as well. Sometimes it was only for a few moments, and other times it would be hours.
To those around me, though, I had become a fortress of darkness. Impenetrable and cold. As far as others were concerned, I had no sentiment. It was better that way, to keep others at arms length. Especially the kind with long, wavy dark locks and swoon worthy voices. The months I had now spent avoiding Severus Snape wasn't helping matters in the slightest, but I hadn't spoken to him since that night in the pub. He made me want to fight the darkness, he made me want to be better. And I was tired of fighting.
My reasoning for being so upset with him that night seemed so trivial now, but it was for the best wasn't it? Why drag him further down the rabbit hole when he could still get out? He deserved far better than me, and once this wretched war was finally over, he deserved to meet someone and fall in love the proper way. He deserved future children who wouldn't be born with my affliction, a lover who wouldn't be so selfish and needy. To put it simply..he deserved peace, and that was something I was certain I could never give him.
I settled onto the windowsill of my small flat, a cup of coffee in hand as I watched the people below scurry along the streets of Diagon Alley. With Voldemort currently rising to power, it seemed most preferred to stay hidden away at home. When they did venture out, they didn't seem to spend a moment too long out in the open. The days between Voldemort's assignments seemed to drag by, and considering I didn't have much of a purpose otherwise, I spent most of those times in my flat. I hadn't expected for my life to take such a bleak turn, but it was better this way.
The sound of someone pounding furiously at my door pulled me from my thoughts. I glanced over, brows scrunched as I rose to my feet and approached it. I never had visitors. I was fairly certain I hadn't told a single person where I lived for that matter. I pulled the door open, freezing at the sight before me. There stood Severus, his eyes filled with grief as he stumbled into my apartment. The smell of fire whiskey wafted off of him as he brushed past me, and I made a point to ignore the way my skin tingled from the brief contact between us. "What-" I began as I swung the door shut.
"I did it. I killed him, Kathryn. I wasn't sure I could, but I did it," he said, his voice cracking as he spoke. He dropped to his knees, wrapping his arms tightly around my waist and resting his head against me as he openly sobbed. He didn't have to explain any further. He had killed Dumbledore. My heart constricted as I looked down at the broken man clinging to me- the man that no matter how badly I didn't want to- I still loved.
"You only did exactly what he asked of you. You saved Draco from doing something terrible- he's just a boy," I said softly, fighting back tears of my own. Dumbledore had certainly not been my favorite person in the world as of late, but he had meant something to Severus. My fingers trembled as I finally allowed myself to touch him, part of me afraid that if I did, he would simply disappear. That he was just another fucked up trick of my mind. But he was solid beneath my hands, his hair as soft as I remembered, his skin warm. I sucked in a breath, now finding it hard to contain tears of my own.
"I should have-," he began, but I shushed him softly, holding him against me until his cries of anguish faded to occasional, shaky sniffles.
"You did exactly what you had to. Now, come on. You need to rest," I told him, helping him stand to his feet and supporting as much of his weight as I could as he stumbled alongside me. With less effort than I had expected, we managed to make it to the bedroom. He allowed me to guide him to the bed and obeyed as I ordered him to sit as I dropped to my knees and began to work at his shoelaces.
"I see you received my letters," he slurred, motioning to the stack of unopened envelopes laying on my dresser. I spared them a glance, guilt settling in my chest. It wasn't that I didn't want to know what was written inside them. The truth of the matter was that I had been too afraid to read them, afraid that whatever declarations were dexterously written across those pieces of parchment would be enough to crumble the fragile resolve I had to stay away from him.
"You should get some rest," I said, dodging his statement as I pulled off his shoes and reached up to begin working at the first of the many buttons of his shirt. My cheeks heated at the sight of his pale torso as less innocent memories of the action threatened to cloud my brain.
"Kathryn," Severus spoke, breaking the silence between us as he wrapped his hands over mine. I looked up reluctantly. His dark eyes, bloodshot and so uncharacteristically full of emotion, smoldered into mine, taking my breath away. I was so entranced that I almost didn't pull away as he leaned in to close the distance between our lips- almost. I turned my face to the side, his lips pressing against my cheek instead.
"We can't," I sighed.
"Why not?"
"Because you're drunk, and when you wake up, I'll still be a terrible person." I gently pushed his hands to his side and continued my task.
"You're not bad, Kathryn. You just think you are, but you're really just beautiful," Severus slurred with a hint of a smile playing across his lips. I smiled back, despite my resolve, at his drunken behavior as I finished with the last of his buttons and pushed his shirt off his shoulders.
"Okay, time to sleep this off. I'll be right out there if you need me," I told him as I began to take a step back, but his hand shot out and grabbed mine yet again.
"Please stay with me."
"I don't think-"
"Please."
"Okay, fine," I sighed. "But just until you fall asleep."
Before I had the chance to take a step away his hands clasped around my waist and clumsily pulled me down to lie next to him, holding me so tightly that I was practically on top of him. "Shit, Severus. I'm not a fucking body pillow. I need to breathe," I gasped out, trying to struggle out of his grip. He immediately loosened his hold enough that I could breath, but not enough to allow me any more distance between our bodies.
My heart ached as he pressed his nose against the crook of my neck, inhaling deeply. I tried to think of absolutely anything but the warmth radiating off his body, of anything but the way my heart seemed to shatter and mend together all at the same time from the intimacy of his actions. Three months. I had gone three months without this, and as I observed him in the soft moonlight streaming through the window, I wondered how I would be able to let this go yet again.
I watched him until his breathing at last slowed and deepened, until his grip around me loosened enough to allow me the opportunity to crawl out of bed and retreat to the couch if I wanted to. But I snuggled in closer instead, telling myself that it was only a brief moment of weakness. That Severus needed me, that just one single night of comfort couldn't hurt anything. I willed myself not to fall asleep. I didn't want to miss a moment of being next to him, but my eyes grew heavier with each rise and fall of his chest and soon enough, I drifted off along with him.