Life had changed a lot. Suddenly not having a job, was weird. I mean, I only had classes on three days of a seven day week, so now on my days off, I just studied. It was sad really, but it meant my chances of getting into Yale would increase and I could really focus on my career for once.
The first couple of days were kind of crazy honestly. Clarke kept texting me to see if he could change my mind. I found myself ignoring him. I was still pretty angry with him and I didn't want to change my mind. I did as I said and I got my paper work in, so there wasn't much chance of turning back then. Telling everyone else, was a bit different.
I told Ava I quit because it was just time. College was nearly over and I would be going to law school soon, so I would've quit then anyway. So it just made sense to quit now rather than later, especially with all the changes at work, they could hire someone new to learn them as it went on. I told this story to Kieran too, and he believed me, but Kieran was skeptical. When I told Karen she was sad but she decided it was the right thing too once I had explained it, and was happy to work more until my replacement was found.
I was worried about what Clarke would say, especially to Parker, since Ava was still dating him. To my amazement Clarke had told a similar story to the one I had made up. I don't know how considering we hadn't talked, but I was kind of relieved. I didn't want to talk to Clarke and this made it all easier.
I really could just cut ties with Clarke, and right now that's what I wanted to do. For a split second I let myself slip and I thought I could trust him. I thought I could really have feelings for him. I felt stupid now, really stupid. I thought Clarke had changed. He had tried so hard to prove it to me, that he had changed, and then he did this. Maybe I was over reacting to it all, being too harsh on him, but if he got caught he could lose everything, more than he would've if he hadn't of done this.
I had to move on though. I would've wasted time and emotions on the whole thing too if I hadn't of quit. I mean, even if I had told Clarke how I felt and all of this hadn't of happened, it would've never worked. Clarke and I were very different people, and it's just something that would've never worked. It was probably for the best that things had turned out like this really.
"So if you're not working anymore you have more time, then you have more time to go out," Kieran nudged me, as we walked through campus.
"Ah no," I rolled my eyes slightly. "I have to keep proving myself if Yale is going to accept me. I'm making the most of it, and finally getting some sleep. Like finally."
"Boo, you're so boring," Kieran groaned. "I mean, you're free, and you're single and you're not even fucking someone."
"Wow, seriously, Kieran?" I complained. "I told you, I ended that because I had had enough. Not because I want to get out there."
"Yeah, sure," Kieran sighed. "Soon, you'll be gone to your fancy school and you'll forget me. These are our last month's together, Rory."
"Oh, don't try get me with your emotional crap," I told Kieran. "It won't work. Especially because I will still see you no matter where I go, or you go for that matter."
"You're just saying that," Kieran shook his head. "I know you. You'll get lost in all the law school stuff and that'll be it."
"Stop being so dramatic," I said, giving Kieran a little push. "I will go out with you before the law school thing happens, I promise."
"Fine," Kieran sighed. "It's something at least. I just, you seem a bit off ever since you quit."
"It's just...different, that's all," I shrugged it off. "I'm fine, just focused. I'm could get my law school letter any day now....I mean it's more like a few weeks, but still. It's stressing me out, that's all."
"More reason to come out and get drunk with me."
Honestly it was tempting to just get drunk and forget everything, but I also wanted to deal with it for once. I wanted to deal with my emotions rather than just mask them with something like alcohol or sex. It wasn't going to solve my problems. With Isaac I bottled it up so much that it affected me for a year, I couldn't do the same with Clarke.
I decided I needed to tell Ava the truth. I thought about telling Kieran but his relationship history wasn't the best. I was hoping Ava wouldn't rub it in my face when she saw how serious I was. She was supposed to be my friend after all.
"I want to tell you something," I said to Ava as I sat on a stool at the kitchen bench and she cooked dinner, "but I need you to not judge me, and just listen, okay? I really need to get it off my chest and I want to tell you."
Ava paused from the pot she was stirring to look at me. "You know I'm here for you. You've never judged me, I wouldn't judge you."
I took one deep breath in before I spoke. "Okay. So...back in LA things with Clarke kind of changed. We'd been getting closer lately anyway, as you pointed out, but in LA I realised that...it was closer than I thought, and that maybe I do feel something for Clarke."
Ava almost dropped the spoon. I could see her physically holding her reaction back and holding a, 'I told you so.'
"Okay," Ava said slowly. "I...how... What made you realise this?"
"I don't really know," I admitted. "When we were together, things changed. Everything was always fun, and playful and then everything was loving and careful and passionate. It's not just that though. When Isaac came and apologised, something snapped in me and I wasn't so scared to be near someone anymore. I was actually sharing my feelings with Clarke, and I thought he was doing the same."
"What do you mean, thought?" Ava frowned. "When I was teasing you about it being more serious, it wasn't just because of you, but Clarke too. Actually more Clarke than you, I always thought he liked you a lot."
I shook my head quickly. It didn't feel that way, not now anyway. He was so quick to dismiss me, tell me to get away, and that he hadn't changed.
"He told me he hadn't changed," I muttered. "He told me. He's still selfish...and he can't feel that way about one person."
"Is that why you quit?" Ava asked, now walking over to me.
"No," I replied. "He... he did something that could put the company in danger. I asked him to stop and change his mind, but he said he didn't want to, and that he couldn't. He cares about his image and money more than being honest."
"I... I don't believe that," Ava said, looking directly at me. "I mean, I know coming from Parker it isn't a completely reliable source, but he told me Clarke really has changed and he does care. I didn't want to say anything because I thought you would hate me, but Parker said Clarke talked about you, a lot. Parker said... he's never seen him like this. Never seen him care about someone that wasn't himself."
I was still kind of surprised by the way Ava was reacting right now. I expected Ava to be a little more in my face about all of this. Instead she was being completely calm and comforting and even cautious. Like she didn't want to set me off. I don't think she could though. I felt so weirdly a peace lately, it would take a lot to set me off right now.
"Even so, he wasn't going to change his mind," I told Ava. "It just...when he said that, it felt awful. Like he was ready to give up, like he didn't care. I don't know, I just didn't like that."
"You want him to care," Ava nodded, understanding what I was saying. "Maybe, he still could? I mean, maybe you gave up to easily on him?"
"I...I don't know," I muttered. "I stayed in the beginning when everything was awful, when he really didn't care. I stayed when I wasn't sure he could change, and then I thought he did. Things went well in Paris and I saw something and it made him try harder. I guess he let it all go to his head though. The success, he'd do anything for it, even lie."
Ava lent down on the kitchen bench to get to my level and look me in the eye. She looked like she had sympathy for me right now, and even some concern.
"I know you don't like liars, especially after Isaac, you have some trust issues. Don't give me that look either, you know I'm right. Clarke didn't do this to hurt you though," Ava pointed out.
"I know," I nodded. "When he knew I didn't like it though he did nothing. Not to mention what this could do the company and everything Henry built."
"I think you're scared," Ava said immediately standing up straight.
"What?" I frowned.
"I think you're scared of how you feel about Clarke. Admitting it is just the half of it, Rory," Ava said. "You're scared of everything else. You're scared if he feels anything back, scared of how strongly you feel about him. Scared to put trust in someone again. The moment you saw an out and a way to push him away, you did it."
"That's not true," I insisted.
"I know you, better than you do sometimes," Ava told me strongly. "When you're scared you shut down. You've been calm and slightly disconnected this week because you're shut down. The sooner you realise that the sooner you go back to Clarke, get him to fix the company and then tell him how you feel."
"Why...why would I do that?" I stuttered.
"Because he loves you too! Or could," Ava said throwing her arms out, and then sighing. "Look, I know it's scary, especially it being Clarke. I know he's not the guy you ever thought you'd be with, but the last few months you've been happier than I've seen you in a long time, and I know you put it down to the whole deal, but it's more than that. You slowly came out of his shell over time, and I know it's because of Clarke. It's why I gave you such a hard time, not because I wanted to be a bitch but because I care about you and you're happiness."
Ava was right, she did know me pretty well. She knew I was absolutely terrible with my emotions, and even though I now understood some of my emotions, it didn't mean I understood them all. Just because I knew how I felt about Clarke didn't mean I wasn't scared and tried to push him away.
"You are one of the most determined and caring people I know," Ava continued. "I know I'm right because I know that if you weren't scared then you would've stayed and worked and done anything to convince Clarke to do the right thing. You wouldn't have given up, because you care about that company because of Henry. I know you're scared because you gave up."
There was silence for a minute and I didn't know what to say or how to process it. I felt like she was right. I had just given up and really quickly. I believed Clarke didn't care, I went to the worst possible scenario because it made it easier for me to walk away. Usually I wouldn't give up. I wasn't the one to give up. One of my teachers in high school told me I'd never get into one of the top colleges because I couldn't focus long enough to do it, and then I got into Columbia. Someone from college told me I wouldn't score high enough on my LSATs to be eligible for Ivy League law schools, and I did. I did what people thought I couldn't because I didn't give up. I had given up on Clarke...in no less than a heartbeat.
"Sorry," Ava said suddenly, glancing back at the food which now needed attention so she made her way back to it. "I don't mean to be harsh, I just...thought you needed to hear it."
"No, it's okay," I said finally. "Maybe I did, I don't know yet."
"Okay," Ava nodded. "Well when you know. I'm here to talk more."
"Thank you."
With dinner Ava and I watched TV, and I decided I need to give my mind a break from Clarke tonight. He would be there tomorrow and so would my feelings of confusion. I felt like I was going around in circles with my thoughts anyway, I wasn't going to get anywhere now.
"I can't believe you'll be a law school soon," Ava said as we changed the conversation. "What am I going to do? I can't live here once you're gone, I can't afford it."
"I thought you were going to move in with Kieran?" I frowned.
"Oh you think that boy has the money?" Ava laughed slightly. "He's just as screwed as me."
"What about Parker then?" I asked casually. In the corner of my eye though I saw Ava jolt slightly.
"I...I hadn't thought about that," Ava said slowly.
"Really?" I said surprised. "I mean, you're helping him with his business, and you've never thought about living with him?"
"It feels like it would be very quick, and I like him, so I don't want to rush things," Ava admitted.
"Well, I hear being homeless in New York isn't as bad as people think anyway," I joked slightly.
She rolled her eyes. "If it's my only option then I'll consider it, but for now, maybe I should actually apartment hunt."
"God, that makes it feel all final," I sighed. "I don't even have my letters, how do you know that I won't stay?"
"Because you're getting into Yale, that's why," Ava assured me. "It's crazy because I remembering coming here once you got into Columbia, no job, no money and I kinda thought you were crazy. Turns out I was wrong and you turned out to be the most determined person I know. I only give you crap, because sometimes you let it consume you and I just want you to have fun."
"Is that why you made Isaac and I happen?" I asked Ava.
She sighed slightly before answering. I knew there was some guilt behind it because of how Isaac and I ended, but I didn't blame her at all.
"I knew how much you liked him and I knew he was interested in you, and I wanted you to be happy. You were so stuck in school already, I couldn't watch that for the next three years," Ava admitted. "If I had known it would've ended like that, I would've never-."
"No, gosh, that's not your fault," I said quickly. "For most of the time, it was good. I loved him and I learnt a lot when I was with him, and lot about what I'm worth and what I deserve. I don't hate being with him, I just hate how it ended up making me feel."
"I'm glad you feel that way now," Ava said with a bit of relief. "I was worried he ruined relationships for you forever."
"Honestly, for a moment, same," I admitted.
Our night turned into a girl's night in, drinking wine and watching a bad chick flick, and eating whatever bad food we had in the house. I had been so caught up in everything that I had almost forgotten how close it was until law school. For a moment, I had been so caught up in my work world it actually felt like the only part of my life. Work was supposed a small blip in life, not something that caused me as much stress as it did.
I could never have guessed when Henry gave me the job, I would care as much as did, but that was half Henry's fault. When I came to New York I didn't have a lot, and I had left my Dad for the first time. Henry took me, and looked after me. However, he didn't baby me though, he gave me enough help for me to still figure it out myself. It's what made me like him so much because he believed in me. None of this would have happened without Henry. My life would be different if I had never gotten that job. I wouldn't have any money, I probably wouldn't have made it through college, and in the end, I wouldn't have met Clarke.
"What if I love him?"
I had had way too much wine, and wine drunk me wasn't as great as normal drunk me. Wine drunk me, didn't know how to deal with her emotions and especially how to keep them in. I felt like I had no control over my mouth but I also needed to say it at the same time.
"Who? Clarke?" Ava frowned.
I merely nodded. "What if you're right and I'm making a terrible mistake by just walking away from him? What if love him and I'm not even giving it the chance because I'm talking myself out of it? Why is this so hard?"
Ava sighed and wrapped her arms around me to hold me closer to her. I had been so worried Ava would judge me for so long that I had kept everything from her and now I regretted it because she was nothing but helpful.
"You have to make a choice then, Rory," Ava told me. "You either tell him or let things go on the way they are and don't see him. If...you feel like you could love him then I think you need to tell him. Even if he doesn't return them, at least you can get it out of your system. Bottling it up like this, isn't healthy."
Ava was right. I had turned into this helpless person, and it was awful. I needed to make a decision because if I didn't I would be distracted from what was important. How could I continue with my life and my career if I let this consume me? What the hell had my life become?