Daniella
I couldn’t find any words to describe the feeling I had felt in the pit of my stomach when I had opened the front door. I had recognised his knock straight away, yet part of me still refused to believe that he was the one who had knocked.
Prior to when Luke showed up on my doorstep, I had been crying. The worst kind of crying, too. You know when everything just feels as if it’s falling down around you, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it? After so long, everything just adds up, and the simplest of things is enough to tear your whole world apart. I had returned from Daniel’s place not long ago, and dad wasn’t home. I remembered him telling me something about hanging out with some of his mates from work. It occurred to me that I had made the biggest mistake possible. I felt so dirty, I had betrayed him. It doesn’t even matter that we were broken up, because it felt as if I had cheated on him anyways. I couldn’t get rid of the disgusting feeling in the pit of my stomach no matter how hard I had tried. I even showered, scrubbing every inch of my body with the body wash that Luke always complimented, as if it would somehow rid my body of the awful feeling that lingered. After my shower, I had made a hot chocolate. As I carried it to my room, being the klutz I was I stumbled a little as I entered my room; causing the mug holding the hot chocolate to crash onto the floor. Hot chocolate went everywhere, as did shattered pieces of the mug.
It was such a simple thing that could’ve easily been cleaned up, but at that moment, it felt like the worst thing that could possibly happen.
I crumbled, falling to the floor in tears. My sobs were loud and uncontrollable as I rocked myself back and fourth until they eventually were silenced, but I hadn’t stopped crying. I continued rocking back and forth, my mouth open, sobs threatening to escape, but nothing came out. Silent crying is the worst of all.
All I wanted as I rocked back and forth, all I could think about was him. Luke. No, scratch that. I didn’t want him, I fucking needed him. I craved him, all of him. I loved him so fucking much and no matter how hard I tried to rid the thoughts of him from my head, they stayed there, permanently — like a tattoo.
I continued crying as I heard the familiar knock from my front door echo throughout the house. At first; I thought I was hallucinating, that all the crying had made me hear funny. But after a few minutes I realised someone was actually knocking on the door.
I wanted it to be Luke, hell, I needed it to be Luke. But there was something at the back of my mind, telling me ‘Don’t be fucking stupid, it’s not him, and you know it’.
I still ran to the door though. I still opened it without hesitance.
My eyes widened at the sight in front of me. He was here. It was as if he had heard my sobs and pleads all the way from rehab. He always seemed to know, no matter what.
No words needed to be exchanged, as I launched myself into his arms. It didn’t take him any time at all to react, and the comfort of his warming arms wrapping themselves tightly around my waist was something I had been longing for for months.
Despite the fact that I was standing in the doorway of my own house, I had never felt more at home than I did in Luke’s arms.
He held me tight, so fucking tight, and I held him tight, so fucking tight. I didn’t want to let go, and something told me that he didn’t either. I was afraid that if he loosened his arms only a little, that all of this would disappear. He would disappear. I couldn’t bear the thought of him ever leaving my side again. I didn’t want to leave his arms.
I hadn’t even noticed that I was sobbing into his chest until he spoke.
“Shhh baby girl, it’s okay. It’s fucking alright.” he had whispered ever so gently into my hair, kissing it mid sentence. His hands ran up and down my back in a soothing matter as we stood there in the doorway for what felt like hours — refusing to move from our heavenly embrace.
Hearing his voice for the first time in 3 months made me want to cry even more. My breath hitched in my throat and I found myself fisting the the hem of his shirt even tighter.
I found my violent sobs gradually coming to a halt, and all that could be heard was the wind whistling around us, and the sounds of us breathing.
Once my breaths had finally evened out, he took the initiative to pull slightly out of the embrace and look me in the eyes.
I stared deeply into the electric blue eyes I had fallen so endlessly in love with, and I never wanted to let go.
“Should we go inside?” he asked softly.
I nodded, not finding enough strength within me to speak.
We pulled completely away from the embrace, as we walked inside I heard him shut the front door behind me and lock it.
We continued walking, him slightly behind me as I lead him into my room. Seeing him made me completely forget about all the mess I had made.
As we set foot in the room, I found my eyes start to well up with tears again.
“Hey, hey. Don’t cry, let’s clean this up, okay?” he said. Hearing his voice made the tears threatening to escape leave at once.
Again, I nodded. I didn’t trust my voice in my vulnerable state.
I sensed his presence leave the room, so I carefully stepped across the floor and sat on my bed.
He came back with a dust pan and a few cloths.
I watched observantly as he cleaned up all of the mess. Any other time, I’d be down on the floor, helping him, but I couldn’t find it within me to stand up. My body had gone from hyperventilating to being completely numb and useless. I was shocked, and confused. There were so many emotions I was feeling all at once and I didn’t know where to begin with myself.
He had left the room again to place the shattered mug pieces in the bin and get rid of the dirty cloths, before coming back and sitting across from me on the bed.
We were both sitting cross legged, and our knees were touching. The feeling of his skin against mine sent shivers down my spine.
It was silent for a very long time. I guess that neither of us knew where to fucking start. I mean, who would? What are you even supposed to say when you’re in a situation like this?
I knew he wanted to say something, as he kept looking up from his fingers and stealing glances at me, opening his mouth to say something before shutting it again and looking back down.
I figured he was a little scared to initiate the conversation, so I did it for him.
I looked up from my own fingers and to him.
“I missed you” I spoke so quietly, I only just heard it myself.
I knew that he had heard it though, because he looked up too, meeting my eyes.
“I missed you too. So fucking much” he responded.
“How was it? Rehab, I mean” I stammered.
“It was good.. I met some really great people. I’m a lot better now, and not just with the addiction… With everything, I’ve learnt to handle my anger and yeah, I’ve learnt a lot about myself. And well, I saw my parents today. They’re back in my life.” he said.
My eyes widened at the mention of his parents. I knew that they were always a real touchy subject for him, we never really spoke about them or what had happened, I never wanted to push it because I didn’t want him being upset. Yet I didn’t need to know anything at all to know that letting them back in his life was a big fucking step for him. And God, was I fucking proud.
“That’s amazing, Luke. I’m really, really fucking proud of you.” I smiled, and he smiled back. God, did I miss that smile.
“What about you? How have you been?” he asked, but he didn’t need to. He already knew the answer. I mean, I had just cried into his chest for about an hour. He wasn’t blind, in fact, he could see right fucking through me. I had always been so transparent to him, words never needed to be spoken for him to know how I was feeling.
I sighed, frowning. He looked at me with sad eyes.
“Not the best.” I said blankly. He looked at me with eyes pleading ‘Go on’.
“Actually, scratch that. I’m not going to lie to you, Luke. It’s been awful. It’s been fucking hell without you. And I know that it’s all my fucking fault because I pushed you away, I practically sent you away myself. I know that you’re better now, and I’m really fucking happy for you about that. But it’s been so fucking hard. Calum’s got a girlfriend now, by the way. So whenever I’m with them, I’m 7th wheeling. Luke, you never left my mind for a fucking second. Not one. I’m so sorry for breaking up with you. I’ve done some really stupid things since you’ve been gone, including today. And I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for what I did.” I blurted out.
“It’s been hell without you too, babe, and-” he started, but then his eyes widened once he had realised what he had said.
He scratched his neck awkwardly.
“Can I… Can I call you babe?” he asked sheepishly. “Of course you can.” I laughed. He grinned sheepishly at me before continuing.
“Yeah, and please, don’t blame yourself. I went because I wanted to babe, I needed too. It wasn’t your fault, if I hadn’t taken the drugs it wouldn’t have been a problem in the first place… I’m not gonna lie to you either Dans, it was so fucking hard being away from you. All I wanted was to hold you, see you, but I couldn’t. And it was killing me. It still is killing me to know how much pain you’ve been in… You never left my mind either baby girl. You were right for breaking up with me. Don’t be sorry, okay? They can’t be that stupid… I mean, I took drugs, Dans. What did you do, babe?” he finished.
I gulped.
Should I tell him? If I do, he’ll probably hate me for fucking ever. But if I don’t, he’ll find out later, and he’ll hate me even more.
I decided to tell him the truth. Because he deserved to know. He didn’t deserve to be lied to. You don’t lie to the people you love. Yeah, and you don’t cheat on them, either. I reminded myself again that it wasn’t technically cheating because we weren’t technically dating.
“Well I… Um, promise me you won’t say anything until I tell you I’m finished?” I questioned.
“Promise.” he nodded.
I took a deep breath.
“So today, I was with everyone having lunch. I was kind of zoning out because they were all being all cute and couple-ish and I don’t know, I just felt so fucking alone, you know? Like we were in a restaurant full of people but I felt alone. And then well, Ashton started saying about how it wouldn’t be a crime if I decided to move on or whatever, and how like, they were all sick of seeing me so down and stuff…” I began, avoiding his eyes the whole time. “And then I got angry at him, and I snapped because I took his words like he was telling me to cheat on you, and then he reminded me that we weren’t even dating anymore. That got me even angrier, and so I left the restaurant. When I was out the front of the restaurant, the waiter who had served us was there and we bumped into each other. Ashton’s words were ringing in my ears and God… You’re going to hate me. Please, don’t fucking hate me…” I rambled, “And so, I kissed him. I kissed him Luke. We went back to his place and we were still kissing, but then he went to lift up my shirt and I just stopped. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t fucking do it. Even though I already had, I didn’t want to betray you Luke. It felt so wrong and I felt so disgusting and dirty. Every time he laid a finger on me I flinched, because it wasn’t you. I realised then and there that I’m deeply fucking in love with you, Luke, and there’s not a single thing I can do to change that because I’m already in way too deep. You hate me now… don’t you? I’m so fucking sorry, and I know that sorry doesn’t cut it… But Jesus Christ, I love you. I love you… so… much…” I cried. Tears were falling down my face at such a rapid pace that it scared me.
Why am I crying? I am so sick of fucking crying!
I felt Luke move, and I had convinced myself that he was leaving. He was leaving me. My whole world was leaving me. And it was all my fault.
I gasped when I felt his thumbs wiping my tears away.
“What… What are you doing?” I stammered.
He was cupping my cheeks, and staring deeply into my eyes.
“Daniella, I could never hate you. Ever. I’m a little upset, but it’s not your fault. You were upset, you were lonely, you had no one, baby. Ashton’s words got to you, you can’t blame yourself for that. If anything, it’s his fault for putting those idea’s into your head. I love you Dans, so, so much, don’t you ever fucking forget it” he assured.
By this point our faces were so close that our noses were touching. I could feel his hot breath on my face, and his lips were only millimetres away from mine.
I cupped his face, and leaned in the rest of the way to connect our lips.
It took him no time before his lips were moving in an un-synced rhythm that I had missed so badly. We hadn’t kissed in over 3 months, especially not like this. We hadn’t kissed like this since before the addiction had started.
He tasted like the perfect mix of choc mint, God I had missed this.
We both pulled away after a few minutes, breathless as our foreheads touched.
“I love you, Daniella. So much, and I’m going to make up for all of the mistakes I made when we were dating. I know we’ve both made mistakes, but I’ve made too many. I’m going to make it all up to you, I owe it to you. Friday night.” he whispered,
“I love you too Luke.”