I found myself suffering from pangs of regret that made me hungry and full at the same time. Was it possible to forgive myself for hurting Cassandra? Did hurting her make me a villain? Or maybe it was better to say that below the surface, all humans were villains. These were the thoughts that filled my head as I helped my mother with breakfast on Saturday morning. I flipped the French toast, the sauce sizzled on the oil. I shook the pot over the flame, letting the heat spread throughout. A sweet smell I would have enjoyed on any other day. But sickening in that moment.
My mother sliced some fruits for a glass platter shaped like a sunflower. She asked, "What time's the concert?"
"Ten."
"In the night?" There was a slight edge to her voice, and I decided to proceed with caution.
"Yes."
"Why couldn't they start earlier?"
"Because another group uses the stage at eight and finishes about nine thirty, then they have to clean and then Jasmine Donn has to set up, and maybe catch a quick rehearsal. Then us, little audience members enter and scream till our throats are raw. And then Jasmine finishes at about eleven, and I go home for the night. I should be here by midnight."
A long exhale from mother. "I just don't like the idea of you being out so late."
"I will be safe, if anyone follows us, I'll kick them in the nuts."
A small smile. "Midnight," she repeated.
"Midnight." I kissed her cheek and carried a plate of French toast to the table. I set up the utensils, brought the bowl of scrambled eggs and cups of rose tea. As mother brought the fruits, I sat down, my duty fulfilled. My sister rushed into the room, ready to eat despite not helping in the slightest. A horrid girl, she was. She was tall and lithe. As she passed, she flipped her hair so it whipped the side of my face. I stuck up my middle finger. And she told mother like the evil witch she had always been.
Mother said, "Be nice to your sister."
"She's a brat," I explained. "Can't we send her to the zoo? They can put her next to the monkeys."
Juliana stuck out her tongue.
I gave her a slow applause. "Wow, so mature. The more I think about it, the more I think we should put you with the talking parrots, that way you can talk to someone whose head is as empty as yours."
She sat next to me and said, "Nice fall the other day."
"I tripped."
"No, you were tripped, see the difference?" She smirked. "You got beat by a girl; you got beat by a girly girl." She smirked.
"We still won," I said and turned to mother. "This is why you should send us to different schools. She has no respect for her elders."
Juliana laughed. "Elder? You're what? Five seconds older?"
I narrowed my eyes and muttered, "Five minutes, twelve seconds, 23 milliseconds."
Juliana grew bored of me and changed the subject. "Hey, mom. Is it alright if I go to a concert tonight?" Juliana asked.
"Couldn't you have asked earlier?" Mom replied in the ticked-off tone she had perfected.
Juliana said, "I forgot."
The two women had a brief staring contest, and then mother sat down. "No."
Juliana cried, "Why not?"
"Because your sister is going to one."
Juliana said, "She can stay home."
To which I retorted, "So can you."
Juliana continued, "I already brought my ticket."
Another contest in which both stood their ground, and I ate some toast. To me, mother said, "Wait for your father." I reluctantly dropped my sweet breakfast. Then to Juliana, she said, "Fine, but next time, you come to me first."
Juliana nodded. "Yes, ma'am."
Father entered the dining room in an impressive black suit. His black hair was cut in an uneven fashion. He was tall, broad shouldered and muscular for his age. He had given his children his sand-colored skin and dark hair. I had his eyes; yellow irises that shocked those that looked at us for the first time. My sister's were blue, which was strange because neither of our parents had blue eyes. I still thought that she was illegitimate. A female dog could have a litter of puppies from a variety of different males. I wondered if humans worked the same way. I sipped my tea.
Father asked, "How are your piano studies?"
"Good," I answered.
For my sister, he had a different question. "Who drove you home last night?"
I drank the hot tea too fast and burned my tongue, I spat it on my plate to the dismay of my parents. "Sorry," I said, sticking out my tongue. "Is hot. Will you look at it?" I asked Juliana.
"Gross." She pushed my face away.
I focused on numbing it against my lip, but it still stung.
"Well?" father said.
"He's a guy I study with sometimes, that's all," she said as she crossed one leg over the other and reclined in the chair.
Father watched her, his thick brows drawn low over his eyes. "You know my policy on dating."
"Not till you're eighteen," my sister sung. "Yeah, I know. He's a friend."
My dad grunted. He didn't ask me if I were seeing anyone. So, I asked on his behalf and answered, "No, no father, I'm not seeing anyone."
My father said, "I'm not worried about you. You are just like any guy your age; you are more likely to end up playing games than doing anything romantic with them. Maybe if you were the last girl on the planet." A slow grin on his lips.
I was hurt by this, despite not being into men, they should at least find me attractive. I felt the need to insult him as well. "Mother, why did you marry this ugly creature?"
She said, "Love is a strange thing, isn't it?" They held hands above the table. "He's very handsome to me."
"And you are the most beautiful woman I ever saw," Father said and they rubbed noses.
"Your love is quite gross," I told them.
"I agree," said Juliana, "say it, don't show it."
We finished the meal in silence. I did the dishes and headed to my room, planning to find out if my sister had a boyfriend. If she did, I would be most certain to get her in trouble. It was my duty as her twin sister.
A few hours before the concert, I lay in bed. There were pictures of me and Naomi on the wall; a strange progression from when we were small toddlers playing in the park till now. Linen drapes were pulled across the window on my left and amber light spilled through the gaps between. A rotating sphere on the floor projected a parade of spotted lights on the ceiling, a miniature representation on the night sky, though it was at best, inaccurate.
My phone buzzed.
There was a text from an unknown number. I opened it and saw a picture of me lying next to Cassandra on her bed, laughing while our torsos were bare. There was another one of us kissing. My heart dropped a few inches and I found it hard to breathe for a moment, until I convinced myself that whoever it was hadn't forwarded the images to anyone else, not yet. I was still safe. The number called and I answered, "What's this about?"
"Hi," said Cassandra.
I frowned. I didn't know what she was playing at, and a small seed of worry began to sprout in my chest. "What's with the photo?" I asked, trying to hide anxiety from my tone.
"You don't want anyone to know what you are, right? I will tell them."
"It's been two months," I told her. "It's time to move on. You go your way; I go mine."
She laughed; it was empty, hollow. "I am more than over you."
"Then why are you blackmailing me?" I asked her. My fingers tightened around the phone to the point of going white. "You have no right to send anyone those photos."
"You are in no position to threaten me. I have no problem being who I am. I have no concerns about being open about who I love. You are the one that doesn't accept yourself."
"I'm not having this conversation with you, Cass."
She snorted. "Don't call me that, only my friends can call me 'Cass'. And you're not my friend, are you?"
"Why don't we cut to what you want so I can hang up the phone?" I felt sorry for hurting her, but the fact that she would jeopardize my reputation in my city and home painted her in a terrible light. I hadn't pegged her to be that kind of girl. That was a low blow. I would not let this go. I would hold this against her till the day we both die.
"I want you to lose the next game. My team lost a game; we lose a next one and we can't go to the finals. I don't want you to go to the finals if I can't. But I'll be fair and ask you to lose only one. Who knows? Maybe you guys will be able to make a comeback."
"You can't be serious, this affects more than you and me, you're putting my team at risk," I told her.
"No. You are."
I dug my fingers into the bed, hating her more as the seconds passed.
"I will be watching. If you score any goals, I'll send the photo to everyone you know." She hung up. I thought of Dana. If I purposely screwed up the game, she would kill me. There was no doubt about it. I raked a hand through my hair. Fuck. Homosexuality went against my religion, and I hadn't met a single gay person at school. Dana was an ally, but she was all I had. If anyone else found out, what would happen to me?
Thinking about it made my head hurt, so I thought about the concert instead. Anything but the doomed future I had been presented.