"We won't find it no matter how many times we look," Farlen said quietly. We had tried our luck in trying to find the document but no luck. "Where would I put it?" I questioned leaning against the wall. "Inside my stomach band, of course," Isabell stats patting her stomach.
"Now, I don't know if Erwin wears a stomach band. We could use the Expedition to our advantage. Outside the wall, Erwin and the others will be concentrated on the Titans." Farlen said. Levi moved from his spot on the wall. "But I'll be going alone," He stated.
"What?" We asked shocked. "You three, just think up an excuse and stay behind."
"Brother..." Isabell starts, "WHY!"
He countered with: "It takes all we've got just to make it back alive. But if I'm by myself, I'll manage somehow."
"But-" Farlen held up his hand stopping me. Isabell rushed up to him, "How can you say that? You won't know until we've at least tried! What's wrong? This isn't like you."
I called after Levi as he left. "Levi!" We rushed to find him following the soft clicks.
"Levi!" We stopped behind him. We were on the roof, the night dark with clouds. "Levi, let's talk about this. I can't agree with you going alone." I said quietly. He said something that surprised us, "When you can't see the moon or stars, the sky up here is just the same as the sky down there." We all looked up. "It's completely different" Isabell defended. "That's right, the sky is endless. It may be just as dark, but it's far different than the underground" Farlen said joining in.
"Look" We looked up again "We're not underground" The cold night blew a calm breeze into the air. "It'll be the same with the Titans. Let's do this together." I said placing my hand on his shoulder as we sat next to him. The clouds cleared and the moon shone through along with a few stars as well.
"Levi, believe in us." Levi gasped lightly in surprise. "Alright" he finally answered. He gave a soft smile and I couldn't help but grin. "I believe in you"
"Yay" Isabell screamed while Farlen and I just smiled.
On the day of the expedition, I felt that horrible nauseating feeling that I felt when something bad, no horrible was going to happen. I wanted to stop the mission. I wanted to turn everyone around but, looking at their motivated faces and their bright eyes, I couldn't rain on their parade.
"Today, we take another step forward! Show me the fruits of your training!" We all stood at the gate on our horse. I had my hair tied back and looked forward trying not to think about what horrifying thing would happen today that would follow me for the rest of my days, haunting me at night and filling my every waking thought. No, I tried not to think of the regret that would suffocate me afterward or the guilt that would slowly drain away my life source.
"We will now begin the 23rd Expedition Beyond the Walls! Forward, everyone!" Commander Shadis yelled as the advancement began. I had recognized Shadis from all those years ago when he had given me the last of my fathers possession but I never approached as anything other than just another soldier.
As we rode out and away from the walls, I looked up at the sun shining down coating everything it touched with warmth. It would have been comforting if it weren't for how sick I felt. "What a beautiful sight," I said with a bitter smile.
The moment was interrupted as we heard the call, "Titan sighted!" The Titan was coming straight for us, our squad leader firing a red flare. He killed the one in front but there were two more coming from the back so Levi and I turned to face them. We raced side by side towards the Titans.
We jumped at the same time firing our ODM at trees behind the Titans, swinging around and cutting them down. We swung out of the rising dust landing as we watched Isabelle and Farlen handle a titan. My breath hitched as I saw Isabell in the slimy grips of a titan but cut herself out and Farlen killed it. I felt a lump form in my through as a cold feeling settled on me. We needed to leave and we needed to now.
"How's that Levi! We took a titan down all by ourselves!" Farlen said excitedly. "Yeah, Y/N!" I ruffled her hair. "You did great!" I praised her swallowing my worry. I could Levi staring but looked way.
I could hear the other members of our squad talking. "Squad leader, those four..."
"Yeah. I'm beginning to understand why Erwin was so insistent on having them join." Erwin came up to us drawing my attention away. "You did good, but you used too much gas. You need to be extra conservative out here. You're performing a lot of unnecessary movement," Levi held Farlen back for once being the one to calm him down. I couldn't be bothered.
"Are you beginning to have doubts?" Erwin asked before walking away. Levi's eyes widened in surprise. "Damn him! He'd better watch his back when he's alone!" Isabell said ducking away from Farlens glare. I looked over at Levi who still looked shocked. It began raining as we followed everyone else on our horses. I looked up at the rain and froze. I could hear my blood rushing as my heartbeat sped up. Everything in me told me to take them and leave but I knew that it was too late. I had waited for too long.
The squad began riding again trying to stay together. We got lost a little as the rain got heavier. "I didn't know rain could be this heavy" Isabell said tiredly. "Levi!" Farlen called in alarm. "Are we gonna go for it?" I asked my mood horribly low. It was getting harder to see anything at all.
"Yeah. It'll seem a bit suspicious if all four of us were to break up at once. I'll go alone." We all nodded. "Go and secure our surface citizenship," Isabel said determinedly.
"If anyone asks, tell them I went to survey the terrain." Isabell waved him final goodbye as he sped ahead of us.
I felt something prick me in the back of the neck and knew, this was it. I turned to Farlen and Isabelle, tears already falling but were quickly washed away by the rain. "Isabelle, Farlen," They turned to look at me. "I love you both so much."
"We...love you too?"
"What's wrong?"
"I just wanted you guys to hear it now just in case you can't hear it in the future."
Just then a group of titans attacked us from the back. "Isabell! Farlen! Move!" I called swerving out of the way of a titan as it hit my horse sending me flying. I rolled into what I assumed was a tree but was another titan. It picked me bringing me closer to its mouth. "No!" Isabell and Farlen shouted zooming towards me.
"No! Don't help me! Run!" Instead of listening to me, they cut the hand it had me in letting me out before cutting down. It fell with a thud and the duo ran towards me. "Are you okay Y/N?" I nodded. "I'm fine. You need to go, now!"
Most of the squad was already dead and the rain made the blood into a larger puddle. I tried to push the two in the opposite direction. But they wouldn't listen, confident in their combined strength. Isabelle was the first to run towards the first Titan but she was quickly silenced.
"ISABELLE!" Her blood splattered on my face and Farlen's as we ran towards her remains. Her head and her arm lay on the ground. Her eyes were wide open and the final moment of terror forever frozen on her face. Farlen growled and raced towards it but the Titan grabbed his wires and brought him towards his mouth.
"FARLEN!" I tried to run towards him but I was picked up again. I struggled in the meaty hand when it applied pressure. I screamed feeling my bones break and the ODM break. I pulled out a dagger I had stuck in my shirt and began stabbing the large hand. "LET ME GO!" I screamed. Tears, rain, and blood mixed as they ran down my face. "ISABELL! FARLEN! NO! I'M SORRY!"
I continued stabbing at it, hot steam rising to my skin turning it red. "I'm sorry," I begged, repeating the phrase over and over, like a prayer. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Levi who watched as the other titan spit Farlen's remains out. I don't know when it happened but he attacked. I could dimly hear his screams of insane agony as he killed it. I looked back at the one that held me getting closer to its mouth.
I wanted to die. So much had happened. I lost my parents, I lost Isabell and Farlen, and both times I could have stopped it but I didn't. It was my fault they were dead. I killed them. Why couldn't I just die! I looked into the titan's mouth ready to meet my end
.
.
.
.
NO! I couldn't die like this. Not after everything. "NO!" I stabbed its eye causing it to drop me. I bit my tongue tasting iron.
I used my arms and dragged myself away. The titan reached for me again. "NO! I WON'T LET YOU KILL ME!" I yelled grabbing a discarding sword and slicing both hands off. My eyes blazed with determination. I heard the battle cry of Levi from behind me. I watched as he seemed to slice the titan in every direct decapitating it before the last strike.
"Levi," I called out to him. He came to me and held me to his chest. I closed my eyes but forced myself to stay awake.
The rest of the survey corps arrived soon after. "So, you are the only survivor?" Erwin asked. "I opened my eyes speaking up in a raspy voice, "I didn't know you wanted me to die so much Eye Brows," I said coughing up blood. Levi did not let me go even they came to pick me up. He didn't let anyone touch me as he placed me down. "You two are the only survivors? How pathetic." Levi snapped "I'LL KILL YOU!" he shouted moving towards Erwin. Erwin held the blade between him and Levi. "That's why I'm here!" Levi fell to the ground and cradled me again refusing to cry.
I placed my hand on his cheek, blood on the corner of my mouth, "It's ok Squeaks," I said calling him by his old nickname, "I'll stay with you" Erwin walked up to us. "Don't, No one can foretell the outcomes. We will continue the expeditions, and I expect you two to come with me. " He walked away as we stared at him. Levi picked me up placing me in front of him on the horse as we followed them. I vowed that one day, Erwin would die. I may not be able to blame him for their deaths but I sure as hell blame him for not knowing how to motivate as well as comfort.
For most of the expeditions afterward, I could not go. I waited for my bones to heal, and surprisedly, they did not take long. The only thing that made the days drag on were the nightmares, the sleepless nights, and the thought of ending it all.
The only people that made the days bearable were Hanji and Levi. Whenever Levi got back from anywhere, he'd tell me how it was and bring me a souvenir. Hanji let me move around until I was back to training. She and Levi quickly put a stop to that when I found my way to the edge of the roof. However, I soon made my way back to training then along to expeditions once again. Levi and I were the unbeatable duo. When we were apart, we did great, as soon as we are together, run titans run.
"Oi. Y/N what are you daydreaming about." Levi said snapping me out of my thoughts. "I'm thinking about how I'm gonna kick your butt." I had a grin on as he tched. "You wish. In your dreams. " he retorted straight-faced. "Levi, Levi, Levi. Dreams are meant for sleeping." I said losing my smile as I looked ahead.