Edited and republished
[Intro:]
[Britt Nicole:]
It feels like a tear in my heart
Like a part of me missing
And I just can't feel it
I've tried and I've tried
And I've tried
God Sean can be stupid sometimes, my thoughts said as I ran my fingers through my hair as 'it feels like a tear in my heart' from the longing feeling that I'm having right now.
As I remember our fight at mr Tim milgram studio.
that I knew he be'd there sinces he's teaching there and assisting a choreographer named jake kodish, I already payed for that class, but I'm not there to dance. I'm there to confront that gullible guy I've catch feelings for.
After signing in being instructed which studio I'm supposed to go, the woman at the desk have a curious wonderment look in her eyes after seeing the way I walked away. Once I made it to the right door I opened it gently, even if I'm fuming on the inside, I stood back behind a few other dancers.
I look around for Sean seeing the unfamiliar faces since I'm not in Los Angeles, since I don't want to social my life with fake people, but my hometown in Sacramento. Than I saw him talking to two girls who clearly flirting with him and the sad part is that he too was flirting with them, it fell 'like a part of me is missing' and i knew why it felt like that, breathing out deeply to stay calm and not blow up at him before the class even starts, now that would be rude and bad on my part so I held it in until Sean started teaching, back to me by Marian hill that I believe that the older choreographer (jake kodish) taught too a couple of years ago.
Sighing out quietly as we all danced to the genius mind of Sean, smiling softly as I uttered that quietly in absentmindedly, not aware of few stares turned my way, just dancing to the music even if I dislike Sean right now.
Than groups went up, luckily I didn't get picked this time around. After Sean's class was over, some students left as some stayed for Jakes class.
Leaning against the mirror as I watched Sean flirting with the girls that stayed. He than turned and walked towards the mirror wall, to only stopped and looked at me with wide shocked eyes, than a guilty expression was in placed. He than stood in front of me
"Didn't know you'd be in Los Angeles Kaycee!" He said as if I didn't see him flirting with the girls who are now staring at us both.
"Yeah well I decided to come here to talk to you.!" I snap at him in anger and frustration, he flinched at my attitude. But nonetheless he smiled at me "okay we'll talk later, okay right now there is class and I'm assisting." He said trying to lure me away so I won't cause a scene, because of his damn reputation.
"NO I want to talk to you now sean?" I yelled 'no' part than the room became quiet as the dancers heard my outburst. He eyes pleaded with me to corporate but I shook my head at him.
"How many times have you been lying to me..huh? How many more girls have you been talking to, screwing around with?" I sternly said as I saw the guilt in his eyes, "please let me work this out...Please!" He said heartbreakingly, my heart clenched at the tone of his voice but I won't fall for his trap.
He grab both my hands, tightly holding it, I tore his hands away from me as I push him away as I felt a tear slip down my cheek so did his. I swiftly went to the door, leaving that room.
But before I could leave the place, someone grab my hand pulling me back into their chest, and I knew who's chest it is. I felt more tears falling down and I could feel eyes on us both. I pull his hands off my waist as I shove him away from me. And turned around to face him. "Don't tell me another lie Sean...don't bull fucking shit me now!" I snap at him sternly as I could feel a lump in my throat for wanting to cry. I saw the anguish look in his eyes, saw the tear track down his cheeks. He was about to say something but I cut him off again.
"I saw you flirting with the girls, the times I visited you, I saw the text, I saw the kisses you left behind with those girls." I yelled at him as I shove him and keep shoving him as I said "So no NOW I need you to listen to me...please just listen to what I have to say because I'm tired of your bullshit you're doing right now okay. I'm tired of you ignoring me so now please just listen to me for fuck sakes!" I said as I back him into the wall, I heard the whispers, I heard the gasp than I felt a hand on my shoulder but I shrug it off me as I looked into his eyes then.
"Thinking that I mean anything to you than the girl who has 'The Sean Lew's attention' I trusted you more than I probably should have. We're through Sean, we're through with this bullshit you had the audacity to call love...it's not love if you act like a fuck boy like you were...back when we were just teenagers, when we did world of dance together, I'm glad I went back home while you live this LA life that you think is glory" you can hear the anger and heartache in my voice when I said what I had to say.
I backed away from him and kept backing away until my back hit the glass door, I heard his cry as he took a few steps towards me, shaking my head at him, to not get any closer to me.
"Please please don't go, let me work this out kayc!" His words tremble with the emotions that poured down his face, mine mirroring his. I shakily took a breath as I said the next few words. "Don't..don't come back when you need me okay shamu, come back when you want and need me... 'And i just can't feel it' right now, 'I've tried and I've tried..and I've tried' again."
"Bye Sean....say hi to Julian for me" I softly said my voice breaking as I opened the door and leaving the place.
Walking down the street, the night is blooming as the tears kept rolling down my face, not even caring that people saw and heard my cry as I made it down the street where I left my car earlier, got inside as I turned on the engine than backing out than driving off, back to my hometown, even if I'm driving around at night and probably morning too.
I didn't care at this moment as I left Los Angeles, never knowing when I'll be back here again.
Damn that was two weeks ago,
[NF:]
Tears on my face I can't take it
If lonely's a taste, then it's all that I'm tasting
Do you hear my cry?
I cry, oh
After she left and I swiftly went to the restroom, 'As tears on my face, I can't take it' no I couldn't take it.
felt the constricted tightness around my heart, that slowly breaking more each time I let the tears fall. "FUUCK...GOD DAMN IT" I yelled as I hit the wall beside the sink, sinking down to the floor and crying softly in my hands
"Why do I have to be so stupid?" I mumble the words in my hands as the tears kept coming out softly down my cheeks..
It took me a few minutes to calm myself down to actually get up and go back inside the studio to assist jake, than I'll go home.
After assisting and getting a solo, I left after not even acknowledging anyone at this moment, not even the girls I've been talking too during my class.
Going inside my apartment, I dial Julian's number, when I remember what she said before leaving the place, before leaving me.
A few rings later he picked up as he greeted me with "hey what's up bro?" With a what do you want tone, sighing out deeply as I took a few seconds to calm my emotions to not cry again.
"Hey jules...Kaycee came by at the tmilly studio earlier today and told me to tell you that she said hi!" I told him as my voice tremble at the last few words I said. "What's wrong?" Julian than asked as I heard rustling from the other line. "Uh..um sh-she broke up with me." I murmur into the phone, tears rolling down my face as I remember what she said.
"What did you do?" He ask nonchalantly but I knew deep down he was mad, not at her but probably at me, I deserve it once I tell him this.
"Um she knew of my flings with the other girls in la, she confronted me about it after I lied to her, where I've been whenever she visited me here." I stiffly said, as tightness constricted around my heart.
"Jeez Sean, I thought those were just one of the rumours that's been flying around LA, but I guess they were true since she found out about it and broke up with you." He said disappointedly and pityingly.
I sniffle quietly and away from the receiver, so he won't here me cry.
"I fucked up big time haven't I?" I murmured into the phone, hearing the sigh in return as he said "yeah..yeah you did bro, you did" Julian told me earnestly.
"I don't know what I'm supposed to do right now, go across towns to see her, or wait it out until she comes back or not...I'm confused julian." I said exasperatedly and sadly.
"Hmph...just wait it out until she comes back to LA sean, than you better make it up to her for all the girls you've been cheating on with, I'll be surprised if she took you back right away because you don't deserve her bro" Julian told me with pure honesty, not even sugarcoating his words at all.
I wince at the words, because he's right, he's right that I don't deserve her, that I don't deserve her love.
"Okay well I'm gonna go sean, I'm meeting Chloe at the Italian restaurant that she likes so much..okay bye." Than he hung up right away, I sighed out deeply as I set my phone on my coffee table than leaning back, covering my eyes as the tears continued to flow down my cheeks still.
_
It's been three weeks, three weeks of no communication from her, I tried calling,messaging her and leave my voicemail on her answer phone but to no avail she didn't pick up.
A girl came by to my apartment yesterday, saying that she wants me to meet her parents. Yeah it was awkward and I felt pretty shitty when I said that we're not dating and never have been dating and that it was just a one thing. She slapped me and left with tears rolling down her cheeks but I didn't care since I deserve that slap....most importantly that slap should've came from Kaycee not that girl.
And if you were wondering if I have been seeing the girls I've have flings with...no, no I cut all ties with each and every one of them, they were only three girls anyways. I haven't have sex with either of those girls, never want it to go that far with any of them.
"If lonely's a taste, then it's all that I'm tasting it right now" I mumble under my breath as I reminisce my WoD days with her, looking at the behind the scenes as I drown my sorrow in vodka
I laugh here and there from all the mess ups and laughter from each rounds that we've accomplished during those days.
"Where is that guy...I can't see him right now" she told me before we went our separate ways when we were just kids, when we were teenagers, before I chose this LA life and not home.
"Do you hear my cry?" I said to no one but my empty apartment and the sounds of her laughter
'I cry oh I cry' under the covers as my heart felt hollow from the heartache that I deserve. Yeah I totally deserved it.
[Hook - Britt Nicole and NF:]
Can you hold me?
Can you hold me?
Can you hold me in your arms?
Kaycee p.o.v
Two months gone by, two months of not talking to each other, Julian updates me on Sean whenever Sean's teaching overseas or somewhere in the states. I appreciated Juliana efforts on trying to make me go see him, I know I want to see him every time but I can't, I can't get my hopes up of trying to be anything more to him.
Especially when I figured out that I am catching feelings for him deeply than I anticipated.
Some nights I wonder the words I said to him whenever I'm upset "can you hold me" whenever he ever cross my mind, whenever he tugs at my heartstrings like an elastic band, that pinches your skin whenever you pulled too hard.
The one thing I didn't know is that (Sean whispers those words too "can you hold me" in his room or any of his hotel rooms to no one but his phone that holds a picture of me that he has as his lock screen with the same elastic feeling that pulls on his heartstrings) while I sulk myself with tears that still shed for him, for us.
—
Voicemail: hey Kaycee...I just want to say I miss you so so so much and I like you a lot and I'll be at the Buildabeast 2022 experience in July please come okay?" The answering machine said as I look up from my drawing, that I've been doing for almost a week for a businesswoman that was opening a new shop down the street in Sacramento.
Biting my lip thoughtfully, feeling the sense of deja vu that took its place in the forefront of my mind.
I chuckle sadly yet happily when I thought back to a year ago when I surprised him for the same occasion as this year and many years to come it seems.
Chewing on my bottom lip as i thought should I go, should I go see him..is it a good idea to go?
I put my pencils down as I sighed out frustratedly.
Damn you sean, I thought as I ran my fingers through my messed up curly hair.
I quickly bought the ticket to the dance convention since the deadline date is tomorrow, once it said I bought my ticket and that it be mailed to me by tomorrow sometime afternoon. I was a little bit sceptic as how quickly I'll be receiving that kinda of ticket than again I live in California so it must be going quick or I don't know.
Going back to my drawing, a small smile was on my face as I combine my self portrait with all the achievements, hurts, and places I've been all over my body and around it as I drew colours on the right places to put.
Didn't realize that I've been working on it for 4 in the morning or is it night?...I have no idea.
A week gone by and now back to square one, when I decided to visit Sean for the first time in years of not seeing each other, after signing in se the front desk and getting my past. I walked around the place, smiling here and there at the dancers and janitors.
Looking down at my pass, for Sean's part of the class, walking around the building dodging people who almost ran into me, apologizing when I do run into them.
I went to the main area of classes which is a big room than slowly walking over to the stage, I saw a few dancers looking at me with questions in their eyes some showed interest or envy..envy I don't know what for.
Glancing around the stage than stopped when I saw who I've been looking for, not out of excitement just like last year but out heartache.
He than turned around to face the crowd, he opened his mouth but closing it when his eyes glance my way. You can hear the intake of breath since he had a headphone with a microphone attached to it.
Sean walked over to where I'm standing off stage, than put the microphone away from his mouth so our talk won't be loud or hearing our conversation to one another.
"H-hey?" Sean said as he ran his fingers through his hair as a force of habit from when he get nervous or embarrassed, it seems like it's the first one as he sat on the stage in front of me, giving me timid smiles "hii Sean" I murmur as I wrap my arm over my right one and hiding my face with my curly hair.
"Didn't think you'd get my voicemail kayc." As he cleared his throat as the tension rose from how quiet we are being right now. "yeah well I heard my answering machine distracted me from my drawing that I've finished after weeks of drawing.....finally" I told him as I took a deep shuddering breath.
"Can we talk later? Like after the conventions over?" Sean asked as he got down from the stage, in front of me as I took a step back surprise, sighing out deeply as I nodded my head at him and giving him a small tug of a smile. He nodded as he start teaching.
Feeling exhausted from driving up in LA for five or six hours in the morning than going here is very time spent, so what a good way to release stress? For me is dance, so I took off my shirt, wrapping it around my waist as I took a place to dance, I felt the prying eyes on me. I heard the song silence by Khalid playing and hearing the cheers from the dancers around me, watching him do the choreo differently then the one we did on WoD, but some aspects were the same as the ones we've done.
After 45 minutes of learning it sean put everyone into groups, he didn't put me in a group like I thought he would've done. Watching the dancers put their heart into this dance and some trying to catch his eye, I just let the music moved with me.
It's been awhile since I dance in a class setting, "now I would like if someone danced with me on the stage..who is it gonna be?" I heard Sean say as he walk around us, heard a few screams and girls talking all at once. It was very comical as I shook my head in amusement.
"You.." I heard him say I look up to see he's pointing at me. I gave him a confused look as I pointed at myself "heh yeah you..miss Kaycee rice!" He said as he walked towards me. A teasing tone in his voice, it made me roll my eyes at his stupidity.
After dancing with him twice, one on the stage than off the stage for his YouTube channel.
Many hours gone by and the dancers were leaving some stayed to interact with everyone at immabeast,
"I know I messed up a lot and I'm so so sorry but I've been miserable after what happened kayc and I miss you" he said as he pulled me on the stage, I could feel eyes on us, letting me sit on the chair beside the DJ setting as he stood in front of me. "I know what I did is wrong, trust my Julian told me that countless times, and I hate myself for it" I felt a tear rolled down my cheek, biting my lip as I nodded slowly, not meeting his eyes but let it roam around the room.
I felt his eyes on me still. "R-remember w-when we went our separate ways as partners, as friends? Remember what I told you before you got on that bus to Los Angeles?" I asked him gently as I ran my fingers down my thigh in anxiousness, he saw it, as he step a little closer to me.
"Yeah...yeah I remember kayc..."Sean said as he stood in front of me, my knees touch his thighs. "You want to know why I fell in love with dance?" I asked inquiringly intrigued the dancers around us, unashamed that they were in fact listening. "Kinda..not really." He said as he scratched behind his ear in embarrassment. "I fell in love with dance because as a 4 year old walking inside a 5 year olds room, seeing you dance your old sisters competition pieces, hearing the music from your spongebob radio, it was than I got interested in it, that my mum pulled me into a hip hop class for the first time and I fell in love with it...You dancing was my inspiration to keep dancing." I said a giggle came out of my lips, saw the flustered look on sean when i mentioned the spongebob radio.
As I remember trying to borrow it whenever I came to his home, since I was obsessed with the show..still am to this day.
"What I'm trying to say is that when I came here a year go to see you, to see how you look like and it felt like it was time for me to see you face to face, I mean we haven't had any contact with each other because I didn't gave you my number, just to annoy you." I said to him softly, I saw humour in his eyes, when he heard the last part.
"I don't think I can go back to you, if you're gonna act like a player, I don't want to go through that pain again, not like this, not like what he try to do sean" told him sternly, voice clipped with emotion undetected in my voice. Saw the flash of hurt, heartache and anger when I mentioned him"
He grab my hand tentatively but held it firmer when I try to pry his hands away from me. "Please give me another chance...I won't, I won't do something like that again kayc' you have to believe me" he pleaded with me as I saw the pain in his brown orbs.
His expression shows what his emotions tried to convoy 'Can you hold me in your arms' it told me, as it tugged at my heartstrings. Whenever he's in a slump he let me hold him while we both laid back on his mattress in his apartment.
Than I thought what my mum said to me once after I started dating my childhood best friend "if you think he's the one for you, even if they cheated, lied but still wants you in their life..make them work for it..let them gain your trust again baby girl..even if someone try to come between you too, and he still interested in making sure that you're the one that still crowded their mind..than that's it baby kayc"
I chuckle quietly as I thought on how to say this..."uh hmph...I will say yes...but I want you to know, you have to work hard for my trust, work hard for it...because I want this to last seanathon!" I said seriously and teasingly, he caught that as the glint in eyes became apparent whenever he's happy or accomplished something.
"Can I still hug you tho?" He ask innocently with his brown eyes, "eh not yet" I said as I walked off and leaving the building
Heard the fast footsteps than someone hugging me from behind "eh still gonna do it tho" as he let me go and guiding me to my car. "When you going home?" Sean than ask me "probably tomorrow or the day after that, since I have work that I'm sending it too to the company" I said exhaustedly.. he nodded his head and told me to meet at his apartment, I agree since I'm too tired to book a hotel right at this moment.
[Verse 1 - NF:]
Just wrap me in your arms, in your arms
I don't wanna be nowhere else
Take me from the dark, from the dark
I ain't gonna make it myself
Put your arms around me
Put your arms around me
Let your love surround me
I am lost
I am lost
Sean's P.o.v:
After reconciling my relationship with Kaycee, it just became so hectic after, like going overseas to teach, doing a photoshoot in Japan that my manager sign me up on without asking. Which it infuriate me but I did it anyways.
FaceTime calls and messages from text were the only refuge for my time overseas a little better.
I was in England for another dance workshop with Dylan who's one of my friends since I was 16, the two day classes were great, than I have to go Poland for another dance convention which is for four days.
I didn't have any rest days, as it turns out when I burnt myself out after my last class ended in Argentina after doing three day road to buildabeast experience. It worried will and janelle when he almost collapse behind the curtains after he taught his last hip hop class. Will and Alexander helped him to the bathroom.
Worried looks were exchanged between the older two choreographers as they watched him fumble with his phone, dialling someone, didn't realize it was on speaker when the person answered the phone tiredly. "Sean?...it's one in the morning?"they recognize it as Sean's girlfriend. "H-hey k-kayc...I'm not feelings ssso good?!" Sean stumbled upon his words.
They all heard shuffling from the other side of the receiver than heard her speak more awake now "Sean..sean can, can you hear me?" Kaycee said on the other side worried now and alert "y-yeah I can h-hear you" Sean said slurring his words softly not even the two choreographers could hear him. "Ok okay uh have you drink anything sugary, ate anything, something dry?" Kaycee said which confused the two guys but Sean seams to get it as he replied "couple of hours ago..and uh and uh I'm feeling really sick babe" Sean said as they heard her curse under her breath "ok..okay good, listen to me okay Sean?" Kaycee said on the other line "I'm...im listening?" Sean told her as he sat up slowly and sluggishly. "How many hours of sleep you have, did you ate any food between rehearsals, between teaching?" Alex could see a small smile on Sean's face when he could hear the authority in her soft spoken voice. "Hmph um I-I had only few hours of sleep and no naps yet in the last four of five days and uh I had breakfast and lunch only for three days now and yeah that's it" they all could hear 'dammit sean' as they heard typing.."what are you doing!" Sean asked her concerned and curious to know what she's up too. "I'll be on the flight in an hour or so and I'll be in Argentina in the next 12 hours okay?" Kaycee said which shocked the three guys when she said that and it alerted Sean that he quickly stand up that cause him stumble to the side, will and alex went to his side quickly, holding him up before he could fall to the floor. "W-what no-no Kaycee you don't have to do that" Sean said in shock and annoyance, Kaycee quickly caught the tone of his voice so she told him sternly "don't argue with me sean...don't let him leave for the next flight okay?" She demanded the the people who are with her boyfriend.
"Yeah sure, we won't let him leave but we're gonna bring him back to his apartment hotel atenae apartment okay?" Will told the young girl who was putting her clothes and toiletries in her small luggage and putting her wallet and passport in her backpack than putting on her comfortable clothes. "Okay okay thank you so much...I'll see you in the next 12 hours okay Sean?" She told them and her boyfriend as she called her uber to take her to the airport, since she already bought the plane ticket online. "Fine okay see you then okay babe" sean said defeatedly.
13 hours later Kaycee made it to Argentina, its a good thing that she didn't got a layover like she thought it would've happened. It took 30 minutes until she left the airport and getting an uber to Sean's hotel apartment. That took 25 minutes for her to get to the hotel apartment.
Grabbing her luggage and backpack out of the trunk after paying the uber driver, it took 15 minutes for her to be at Sean's door after asking the receptionist where his room is, the woman was suspicious probably because Sean's a famous choreographer.
She knocked on the door, there was shuffling behind the door than heard someone unlocking the door than opening it, to see Alexander Chung, giving her a kind smile which she returned as she got inside the building place and looking around the apartment. Than following him to Sean's room she believe.
She stopped by the door as she saw sean being looked after by Will and his wife and lexee smith one of his closest girl-friends. They stopped what they were doing when they heard her come in, watch as she stood by the end of the bed, "sean?...sean it's me Kaycee" she said as she moved his legs straight so he can relaxed his legs. They heard sean moved a bit and groaning in exhaustion "kayc?" Sean asked as he heard a hum from her "h-hows your flight?" She look at him to see that he is a little paler than usual and he has sweat running down his brow, she bit her lips as she got a deja vu when he burn himself out when they both did WoD in 2018. "Uh it's been okay I didn't got a layover like I thought would've happened and I'm jet lagged but other than that I'm good...how's your sweat?" She said in nonchalant tone as she went to the bathroom to find a towel than damping it with cold water, she missed the weird look that turned her way when she went the bathroom.
Coming back with the towel standing by his side as Will moved away from him to make room for her, "you gotta stop doing that Sean, you terrify me when you burned yourself out like this..remember what happened when you were sixteen huh you scared me in rehearsals"Kaycee said worriedly as she wipes his face with the cold towel. "I-i didn't mean it for it to go that far babe" sean said as he looked up at his girlfriend, he could see the worry and loving eyes that turned towards him. "You've been gone for 4 weeks sean. 4 weeks of going overseas to take dance conventions and workshops, on top of that you couldn't say no to your manager for some of these events and it just makes me want to be there for you, be with you because you can't say no." Kaycee told him off.
Sean ran his hand up and down her arm to calm her down, the rest of them left to give them some alone time.
Sean saw the tears in her eyes which his heart broke seeing the loneliness and distress in her eyes, "come here" Sean said as he weakly scooted to left side and made room for Kaycee. She lied down beside her boyfriend hugging him tightly and longingly as it's been weeks.
"Just wrap me in your arms, in your arms baby boy
I don't wanna be nowhere else right now" Kaycee whispered against his chest as Sean tighten his weak arms around his lover, his liàn rén, he breathe in her sweet honey suckle scented shampoo, that he let intoxicated his senses whenever she's around.
Take me from the dark kayc, from the dark away from all negative thoughts in my head baby girl!" Sean softly spoken his vulnerability in front of the girl he made himself fall in love with.
"I ain't gonna make it myself out of this slump without you liàn rén" his voice croak with emotions that tried to spill over as he wrapped her leg around his hip as he pulled her closer to his body, for warmth as the cold sweat made its reappearance in the nape of his neck and back.
"Sh sh sh you're okay Sean just put your arms around me shamu..put your arms around me and hold me tight" she instructed him as she wrapped her arm around his neck, letting him rest on her chest, they both shudder from the longing and love in this embrace.
He let the tears fall as it fell on her chest, she run her fingers on his scalp, massaging it as more tears drop down on her chest. "Let your love surround me Kaycee I miss you so so much..you have no idea how
I am lost without you. I am lost and I don't want to be" Sean told her with a heartache from being away from her for that long. It's pure torture for him.
"Sh sh it's okay it's okay I am here and I'm not going anywhere sean." She told her boyfriend
More tears fell, hugs got tighter as both their hearts speak for it self without words, the love they have for one another is difficult to break, the connection and chemistry these two lovers have some aspire to witness first hand with their lover.
[Bridge - Britt Nicole and NF:]
If I ain't got you here
If I ain't got you, I ain't got nothing at all
"If I ain't got you here with me Kaycee...if I ain't got you flower...I ain't got nothing at all" Sean told her as they lounge on the chairs at the balcony, looking at the view of Argentina, looking the fluorescent lights slowly illuminating the city into a beautiful hues of orange and yellow.
Hands on top of Kaycee's, intertwined together in affectionate way, turning to the side looking at his beautiful girlfriend, finally getting her trust back, she wasn't kidding when she told him to work for it to be able to touch her in a intimate way, in connection of two souls mending together.
Her eyes shine as he saw the light and joyfulness in her brown eyes that flecks of green surrounded her pupils as the natural light from the sunlight and the artificial light brighten her eyes into a mesmerizing forest like irises. His heart swell with love and amazement in his eyes as he stared at the beauty in front of him.
A blush adorned her cheeks when she saw him looking at her, looking down at their join hands shying away from his intense gaze on hers.
He chuckle lowly as he brought their intertwined hands up to his lips, kissing the back of her hand gently and sighing out relaxed.
[Hook:]
Can you hold me?
Can you hold me?
Can you hold me in your arms?
Sean finally convinced Kaycee to take another LA dance class, when she surprised visited him at the tmilly studio again two days ago.
"I-I don't know sean. I'm nervous?!" Kaycee told her boyfriend as she was leaning back against him, his arms wrapped securely around her waist to comfort her, especially when she went through a small bit of a panic attack after the hollers from the paparazzi 30 minutes ago in a diner where both of them have their late lunch after the hectic work that is Sean's life.
Going into early morning interviews like they did back when they both did WoD as a young duo, a famous one at that time.
They are still the dance couple that people talk about even after they split apart, when they were just teenagers, she whimpers out "can you hold me?" when they got inside the studio.
So that's what he did he sat down in the room away from the prying eyes of a bystanders, who looked at them with curious and sympathy as they saw the state that Kaycee was in. "Can you hold me a little tighter?" She spoke softly and shakily, body shaking and taking heaves of breath, trying to gain back the control of her panic attack. "I'm sorry baby...I'm sorry I didn't know they be there love." Sean whispered against the back of her neck, kissing her clammy skin tenderly, she nodded her head understandingly, as she took deep breaths and it took 20 minutes to finally find her breathing count with the help of Sean, who was helping her breathe normally.
JoJo Gomez, Tim and Donovan saw the interaction between the two young couple, giving them sympathy and solicitude as the intimate tender touch shared between Sean and Kaycee.
After people start showing up for jojos class, some stared at the couple with admiration and concern seeing the state that Sean's girlfriend was in. Sean got up from the floor, arms still wrapped around the petit woman, guiding her to the bathroom. They start listening to jojo when the choreographer draw their attention away from Sean and Kaycee.
Sean went inside the girls bathroom with her, locking the door to have a little bit of privacy, he guide her to the sink, damping the tissues than dabbing Kaycee's face gently, as Kaycee closed her eyes in exhaustion, he left kisses on her shoulder and neck in comfort.
He pull off her black jacket, leaving her in her black crop top and grey slacks, barefoot since her shoes were in Sean's dance bag. He start rubbing his hands on the joints that hurt from her panic attack.
She sighed out relieved and relaxed against Sean's side, dropping her head on his shoulder as he kept his ministrations on her joints.
"You okay rainbow?" Sean ask her worriedly, looking at her through the mirror.
"Yeah, I'm a little better now shamu." she answered back relaxed and a little bit light daze from earlier.
C'mon lets go back inside, jojos class is starting in a bit, she told us to stretch and take a breather." Sean told her as he look at the text that jojo sent to him, as he handed her the button up white Shirt that Kaycee stole from Sean's closet. She put it on as they both went back inside the studio holding hands. Tim was live streaming and Kaycee scared him from behind, she was smiling and blushing when Tim scolded her playfully.
Stretching and listening to the song twice to get the feel of it than jojo start teaching. Overall it was a fun and exhausting class, Kaycee got a solo which surprised her but she did fantastic especially when she hit the emotional and musicality part of the choreo and hitting the beats just right as she dance gracefully. It wowed the dancers around her, including JoJo, Tim and Sean, since this was her first class in la since she danced here a few years back when she was just a 15/16 year old, than Sean and Kaycee did a duet, which hyped up the crowd of dancers around them since it's been a long time seeing these two duos danced together again.
Sean accidentally hit her in the face. But they carried on like nothing happened. After the song was done he went back to her, to see if she's alright, he touched her cheek to see her face fully there were tears in her eyes from the pain of her nose where he accidentally hit.
She smiled anyway while she said "he hurt me" playfully as jojo engulfed her in a tight hug while Sean looked guilty and sorrowful. Kaycee walked off to the back room for a water, Sean trailing behind her.
It took another 30 minutes for class to be over and for Sean to guide her to the parking lot and to his car, she sat in the passenger while Sean put his bag in the backseat than getting in the front seat, driving off to his apartment.
"You okay baby?" Sean asked her concerned taking his eyes off the road for a second than putting his focus on the road again.
"Yeah I'm fine, Sean it was an accident, ain't like we hit each other unintentionally before especially back then. Kaycee said as they got inside the apartment, sitting down on the living room couch, Sean sat down with her as he pulled her Into his side.
They sat in the living room for a bit then he insisted to take a shower together, she sighed out exhaustedly but nonetheless she went to the bathroom and take off her sweaty clothes, leaving her in her underwear and sports bra, turning on the faucet.
She got in the shower as she bare the rest of her clothes, relaxing against the cold wall, she than felt arms pulling her into their chest, she smile softly, turning around to face Sean who smile at her, leaning down and kissed her sweetly as she smile into it and putting her hand on his cheek as one threaded into his damp hair. His arm tighten around her and pulling her closer to his warmth.
They pulled away when the needs for air called for it, foreheads touching as their breathing became harsh, making their lips tingle as they shared breath. He started to wash her body with care, making her relaxed into him, it took another few minutes for them to get out of the bathroom to his bedroom.
She put on her pj shorts and his kinjaz shirt that he gave it to her a year ago. They laid down on the mattress, getting under the covers as Sean turn on friends reruns on netflix. "Can you hold me in your arms? I'm a little cold." Kaycee asked him quietly, sean look at her with love and he scooted a little closer to her than hugging her into his body, she giggle as he kisses the back of her neck, tickling her skin. He chuckle against her neck holding her close to him.
[Verse 2 - NF (Britt Nicole):]
Yeah, Yeah
Yeah, I feel like it's just me, like it's just me
Yeah, yeah I know I'll call you tomorrow Kayc I promise." Sean told his girlfriend of 8 months technically two years but they broke up 10 months ago because of his idiotic mistakes.
She sighed out frustratedly but nonetheless said "goodnight Shamu..I love you." Than she hung up on me, I knew why she was frustrated with me, angry with me or the situation rather than me, considering I just told her I'll be coming home next week, instead of this Friday, saying that something came up with the tour in South America. I was looking forward to finally go home to my girl and my bed but my manager was being an ass as usual. She was upset with the fact that we won't be having our anniversary date like we wanted it too.
I decided to call Julian, dialling his number
It took two rings for him to actually answer me.
"Hey Sean what's up?" He asked me nonchalantly
"Hi Jules and what is up is that I won't be back in la until next week unfortunately." I told one of my best friends who's practically my brother
"Whoa how come? And did you tell Kaycee" Julian asked me with a surprised tone
"Because my manager put another four dates this week and the classes are already sold out, and yes I told Kaycee and she's upset because Friday was our 8 month anniversary, she understood my opportunity but I feel like shit Jules?!" I sighed defeatedly and angrily.
Heard a hum in understanding and a snicker from Jules.
"Yeah and i feel like it's just me, like it's just me sometimes and I hate this feeling" I confess to my best friend.
"Well you can just cancelled it, I mean you should say no sometimes Sean...it's your life I understand but Kaycee was looking forward to it Sean" Julian told me
Disappointed and serious hearing him sigh out deeply.
"I know. I know I'll figure something out tomorrow right now I'm just tired and confused so goodbye Jules.
What it gon' take? What it gon' be?
I don't even know
(It's not just you)
"What it gon' take. Huh Sean?...what it gon' be" Kaycee told me frustrated and confused.
I don't know babe...I ask him to push this events off until few weeks but he won't budge and 'I don't even know' baby girl I just don't know" I told her what my manager James told me earlier today saying that this events can't be pushed back because of how pact it is. And the convention is in two days and all classes for those 4 days are mine, Trevor and Ian so I won't be home until sometime Saturday or maybe Sunday
She sighed out as tears fell down her cheeks in sadness and longing. "It's not just you bubba if you, you know that and if you won't stop and take a step back from these events you agreed to go too. Its gonna worn you out again, like what happened 4 months ago and I hate these time zones, we're having these days I'm worried about you constantly and I finished my degree in music a month ago and I wanted to celebrate with you but you're gone." Kaycee told me seriously, hearing her sighing out heavily in disparity
"And I just want to be with you like always..but you won't let me!" Kaycee said hurt notable in her tone of voice. In her soft spoken voice that always soothes me.
"I know, I know baby girl. I'm proud of you for getting your masters degree in music and I want to spend time with you and this will be the last stop for the tour kayc....I'll be home in a couple of days, than you can have me all to yourself love" I promised her honestly and love reflecting in my eyes as they look into hers, through the screen of my laptop, as we have our many FaceTime calls together.
But I'm lonely
Feeling like I don't even know me, I don't even know me
(I feel it too)
After the tour is done and I'm able to go back to North America and to my home.
Yesterday:
"But I'm lonely kayc and feeling like I don't even know me at this moment angel, I don't even know me?!" I told her yesterday when the days stress came through. As dehydration almost took its course when everything became go go go in 24 hrs.
"I feel it too bubba I just can't wait to see you after a month of being apart.
And this happened yesterday but now I'm happy I'll be going home to her, to my home that is in her arms, that I'll know would never let go.
A couple of hours later I made it back to California so now I'm driving my car that thankfully josh put in the parking lot for me as I told earlier this morning to drop it off at the LAX airport.
Putting my stuff in my car than getting inside, driving off to Sacramento to Kaycee's house.
It took me 5 hours to reach Sacramento, parking the car in her driveway, turning the engine off than getting out of it after grabbing my duffle bag and backpack.
Taking a glance around her house, seeing kino her dog outside wagging its tail as he barks.
"Kino stop barking, you're gonna scare the mailman again!" The voice of the woman who makes my heartbeat faster than any exertion from dance, Kaycee looked up when kino ran after the figure who petted his head, a smile tugged up brightly when she saw that it was Sean instead of the mailman or someone.
"Sean?" She whispered astonished and surprised to see her boyfriend there, Kaycee quick stride brought her closer to him, than wrapping both arms around his neck, hugging him tightly in longing.
"Baby!" Sean whispered inter her neck as he too wrapped both arms around her waist hugging back tightly as his heart became at ease just being in her presence.
"God I miss you Shamu...you have no idea." She told him in desperation and love in her voice as she sighed out relieved, as the aching feeling went away in chest
She pulled her head back to finally kissed him with longing love as he deeply kissed her back, his hands gripped her waist and hips as hers tighten around his neck, tugging on his disheveled hair, he smiled into her mouth, feeling the heated movements of her hands.
He pulled back from her mouth even if he didn't want part from hers but he wants to get in the house, he knelt down and pick up his bags again, where he dropped it when she hugged him abruptly.
Gotta have you gotta see you
(You're the only thing I have to think about
The only one I that can't live without)
I see you
(I need you need you to hold me now)
Both of them lay in bed, feeling relaxed and content as they finally be together again after a month and half of being apart, watching the captain America: first avenger, his choosing as she lost a game of tickles.
"Gotta have you, gotta see you as you're apart of my world baby angel." Sean softly told her in a tone of love and warmth, pulling her into his chest, letting her cuddle close to him, Kaycee blushed sweetly at his sweet kind words to her. Making the butterflies danced around in her tummy.
'You're the only thing I have to think about, the only one I can't live without.' Kaycee thoughts said peacefully.
"I see you. love and I get it" she told him as she got comfortable in his hold, laying her head on his shirt clad chest.
"I need you to hold me now." Kaycee than asked him softly than felt Sean holding her close to his body.
" i love you Kaycee.. I hope you understand that" Sean said to her with love and affection in his voice as he left a kiss on her head, as his eyes watched the movie.
"I love you too Sean. Thanks for being patient with me" she told him earnestly and contentment as she too watched the movie.
[Bridge - NF:]
If I ain't got you [x2]
I ain't got nothing [x2]
If I ain't got you
I ain't got you
If I ain't got you
I'm lonely
If I ain't with you I'm lonely
I'm lonely
I need you
I need you
"If I ain't got you Kaycee, I ain't got nothing you understand?" Sean told her as they walked inside the restaurant for their 11 months of dating, as a month ago they celebrated Kaycee's birthday in Greece with her family.
"If I ain't got you angel everything would be dull in my world, I ain't got nothing without you by my side babe" as he guided her to their table at the back, away from the watchful eyes that is the paparazzi.
She sat down in her chair, Sean being a gentleman he pulled her chair out for her, Kaycee is flustered as her cheeks redden from his loving words, as he push the chair forward than leaning down and kissed her on top of her head.
He sat down in his chair after helping her sit in hers, Sean saw the flushed cheeks with a smile tug up with love reflecting in her forest like eyes. Making him smile too with love also in his eyes, his gaze looking up and down her figure with appreciation and in awe at her beauty.
"You're beautiful babe, like wow you're still as beautiful as the day I saw you in imma space at 14" Sean said with astonishment and love in his voice. She blushed more looking down at her menu that a waiter put down when they sat down, her curls more loose than structure as she let more of her natural curls down her back, Kaycee heard his chuckle which send tingles down her spine, always feeling like a school girl whenever he's around.
They decided to eat steak and vegetables with a glass of champagne, her dress was a navy blue with sweetheart neckline and lace detailing on the dress as it went above her knees. They talked about their families and his friends. Kaycee told him about her dancing at her moms studio that she gave to Kaycee as a birthday gift when she turned 18, he talked to her about his dancing and acting as well with her.
They laughed here and there at both their embarrassing moments growing up, enjoying their night as Sean paid the bill even if she protested against it but gave up trying to pay when he already paid for their dinner.
Sean put his jacket over her shoulders as they walked down the sidewalk to a nearby park, minding their own business even if flashes of camera were pointed their way every few minutes. She intertwined his fingers with hers as she held his hand tightly.
"You look quite dashing if I do say so myself mr lew." Kaycee told her boyfriend in a teasing sort of manner, sean chuckle as he nudge her shoulder with his, with light hearted gesture, "well miss rice aren't you the most gorgeous woman I have ever seen my dear" in a British accent which cause a giggle come out as she blushed adorably, looking down away from his eyes that she knows are on hers.
They sat down on a bench close to the pond, Kaycee's head on his shoulder as Sean put his around behind the back of the bench.
"Well if I ain't got you baby boy, I ain't got you as the way you are now!" Kaycee said as she turned her head to look up at her boyfriend, eyes glinting with passion and love, making his heart flutter with the notion of his relationship.
"My world would be a little more dim without you, because if I ain't got you kayc than I'm lonely with the success I have as of right now" Sean said to her in contentment and adoration towards his girl. To his beautiful girl.
They both hear music in the park, a calming tune coming from a speaker nearby. Sean raise his eyebrow at her in suggestion, she shook her head with happiness, before getting up from the bench, holding out her hand to his, which he took with gentle firm grip on her dainty hand.
They danced around in the park as bystanders watched with admiration and joy as the people watch the young love danced to the tunes of violin and piano through the speaker nearby, kids giggling and elder couple cooing at the youthful lovers who danced.
"If I ain't with you I'm lonely
I'm lonely
I need you
I need you" they both whispery sang the words in each other's ears, as one giggle with shyness and the other lowly chuckle against her neck as he left a kiss there, making Kaycee shiver in a surprise way.
Not expecting him to do that.
[Hook - Britt Nicole:]
Can you hold me?
Can you hold me?
Can you hold me in your arms?
Both Sean and Kaycee were in Los Angeles for movie premiere that Kaycee got the privilege to be in, it was exciting for her as acting is still one of her passions, Sean and her walked down the red carpet as she worn yellow formal romper as she didn't want to wear a dress that her stylist suggested yesterday.
Proud was an understatement for Sean, as he look at Kaycee whom was talking to the interviewer, with a smile on his face, as flashes and people taking at once, making him less understand what they're trying to say to him.
As for Kaycee, she's ecstatic beyond belief as this is her third time being in a movie and this is the sequel too the first movie that she did when she was 16 with Ben afflack and Garrett hedlund who played as her love interest.
He intertwined their fingers as he saw that kaycee is done with the interview. Both walked off to his agent, telling them the premiere is gonna start in 30 minutes so he asked them to sit at the front since Kaycee is the supporting actress in this film.
Kaycee talked to the actors and actresses with kind smiles, making small talk with them. He found their seats so he told her that, sitting down as people started to coming in the theatre. Sean held her hands as he saw them tremble with nervousness.
The movie was 2 hours long, Sean was impressed with her acting skills, he knew that she is talented but never knew the extent of her passions in her talents. He got a little jealous when her character and Garretts character kissed or had a sex scene in the movie but didn't show too much.
After the movie was over, they both decided to attend the party for the premiere. Even if they would ditch it later that night for a fun filled dusk that blanked the skies.
Laying in bed in his apartment with only sheets covering their bodies as they bared their skins to desire and to witness each other's limbs with love and intoxication.
"Can you hold me? A little closer to you now." Kaycee asked him with quiet soft voice of hers, he shivered as her warm breath came in contact with his cold skin, making goosebumps appear on his form. He kissed the top of her head with fondness, as he held her close to his warmth as told.
"Can you hold me? in your heart am I close to your soul? Can you hold me in your arms always." He asked her with vulnerability that only she witness behind closed doors, that the media thinks he's too masculine to show emotions, when in reality that's all he ever tried to portray in life in the limelight as the grand scheme of things aren't too significantly theirs to hold against, because it's his only and only she can see this side of him.
She lifted her head up to look at him with the same vulnerability that he showed her many many times, and that he's showing it right now with his words, with his emotions that expresses to her in his brown eyes. Kaycee looked at him with love and heart swelled up with warmth that spread through her entire being. She leaned up and kissed him, deeply sharing her endearment with her body, letting her emotions matched his.
Kaycee pulled away when the need for air called for it, she than opened her eyes to look into his, seeing his eyes glisten with tears, both feeling overwhelmed with love and intimacy. "You will always be the center of my world, and will hold you when you need it as I will want to be yours because you're it for me Sean Charles lew....you understand?" Kaycee told him with momentous in her gaze, he nodded his head understanding her completely as he fell more in love with her than any times before.
[Outro - NF:]
Feel like it's just me, like it's just me
What it gon' take? What it gon' be?
I don't even know, I don't even know
But I'm lonely, lonely
Feel like I don't even know me
Feels like I don't even know me
I don't even know me
2023
"I feel like it's just me, shamu like it's just me that sees the real you, why do you feel like you aren't good enough to be yourself? I may never know the context of your flaws that aren't flaws baby boy. It's never flaws its you.
What is it gon take? Sean. What's it gon be? Charles because I don't even know emotions sometimes, I don't even know if you're feeling numb to this limelight...have you reached your goals yet.
You left me in the dark at times sometimes I think you've gone back to your old ways again but your best friends convinced me that you're whipped for me, eh I don't know babe, but I'm lonely in my home alone with only the flowers you sent, as you're across the world finishing your movie for street dance 3. I'm lonely as my friends tries to distract me from me moping around I miss you dearly my dear.
I feel like I don't even know me as my heart yearn to be in your arms again, sometimes I think there is someone out there catching your attention and fall in love with them. I trust you babe I promise you that but sometimes I feel like I don't even know me as time went on without you by my side, as FaceTime calls and messages makes up for all the time loss with you
But don't worry I'm doing just fine as my studio so does my really well with the new design and students coming in for training as my choreographers helped me. I don't even know me as I ramble on to you Sean Charles Lew
I love you and hoped to see you soon my love. Can you hold me in your arms again.
Yours truly Liàn Rén. "
Sean read with tears welling up in his eyes as he staying in Japan for four months for the movie street dance that is filming in Japan.
He called her, a few rings came than heard her sweet soothing voice.
"Hey babe?" Kaycee said as she sat down in her office at her house, looking over papers for the studio.
"Hey...rainbow god...I miss you so so much ricebowl!" He told her in meaningful as he sat in his trailer taking a lunch break.
"I too miss you Sean so damn much." She said quietly as she felt choke up from her emotions going in overdrive. Hearing the sniffle through the phone clenched her heart in a yearning painful manner.
"I read your letter ricebowl... this just makes me want to fly back to America and go back to my home, as you're my home and I'll never say goodbye to you liàn rén." Sean told her with love clear in his voice.
It cause a soft smile and a blush adorning her cheeks in endearment.
"You're my home too Sean and I'll never say goodbye because you can hold me in your arms, in your heart always Sean... goodnight I'm getting tired" Kaycee told him with love and tiredness.
"Okay goodnight baby girl I'll see you next month rainbow can't wait to see you then." He said sincerely as he let out a small chuckle at her tired slurred voice.
"Goodnight love sweet dream."
*****
A/n This is the part two to you're special but this is the backstory to that short story. And the beginning of this one shot is when she found out about his flings that he has(had)
This is also unedited, so my bad if it gets confusing and yeah that's all I have to say about this one.
Word count: 10821