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I never really see Cam around and it makes me feel grateful. I really shouldn't, though because I wouldn't be avoiding him if I didn't mess up as badly as I did. It's been a week since I walked out on him and everyday, it seems harder and harder to not reach out. My friends have basically been giving me the cold shoulder. I understand why. Gen's being less harsh about it than Mel, who I feel is more mad because she thought I was changing for Cam. My sister won't even return my calls because of what I did. So I'm feeling it from everyone, really.
Most days, I spend my time studying, which is what I did before Cam really came into the picture. I forgot what it feels like to be alone and it makes me feel pathetic. But I think that it's especially bad now because I have no one who'll endure a conversation with me. It gets to a point where I consider texting Rex in hopes of having a casual conversation. Then I realize that I'm not that desperate. It seems as though all of my time is passed in the library, where I've found a pretty abandoned corner to hideout in for hours at a time. I go straight there after work and then head home at around 10 o'clock, just to start over again the next day. It feels good to have a routine but it'd be better if people didn't hate me.
I leave the library early on Friday night in hopes of maybe making plans with Gen and Mel. It's been a week and I think it's a good enough amount of time to cool off. Maybe we can have a movie marathon or something. As I enter the apartment and walk down the hall, I hear a group of voices. Despite my gut telling me not to, I continue on and slow to a stop in the doorway, where I find Ashton and Axel sitting alongside my friends on the couches. They look at me and I quickly step back and duck into my room, feeling slightly ashamed. They probably hate me, too. I wouldn't be surprised if all of them were in there trash talking me. It's not like I don't deserve it.
I lay in bed and wonder what Cam's up to. He's probably doing homework or maybe he's found a girl to help him pass the time. The thought makes my stomach clench and I force myself to endure the discomfort. It's what I deserve. I allow my mind to fill with thoughts of Cam, but its not like it usually isn't brimming with the idea of him. He probably hates me. I don't blame him. If the roles were reversed, I'd probably hate me, too. In fact, I don't even have to be him to hate me; I just do it regularly. I stare up at the ceiling and sigh. Now I really have nothing to do.
The next week flies by similar to the previous one, except my friends actually start talking to me again. Though its limited, they try their best and I'm grateful for it. We eat dinner together and it's no longer awkward. Conversation is actually made and they eventually start feeling comfortable enough to mention the guys again. I'm just relieved that they're no longer ignoring me. It was a long two weeks without Cameron, but it seemed even longer without my friends.
On Friday night, Mel comes into my room, where I've been holed up watching Netflix for the last few hours. She raises a brow when she sees the state of my living area, which is messier than it's ever been. Quickly, she regains herself and points over her shoulder. "Uh, we were thinking about going out tonight. Do you want to come? One last party before break?" she questions and I swallow nervously. I want to ask if the guys are going to be there. I want to see Cam but I know better than to do that. I don't want to put him in that situation; that'd be selfish of me. She seems to sense the reason for my hesitation because she tilts her head. "Axel and Ashton are going to be there." When she sees my nervous gaze, she slowly shakes her head. Cameron is not.
"Okay," I respond. Maybe Ashton and Axel don't hate me and will update me on how Cam's doing.
Once I'm dressed and ready, I meet my friends in the living room, where we call a ride and wait. Axel and Ashton are getting dropped off so we can't ride with them, which doesn't bother me at all but the girls seem a little upset. It isn't until we're at the party for 20 minutes that the guys arrive and approach us. I feel my stomach clench when I realize that I have to face them. This is going to be awkward.
"Hey," Ashton greets us, offering Mel a kiss on the cheek. Axel does the same to Gen, who smiles up at him. I awkwardly stand off to the side and bob my head at each of the additions to our group.
"How goes it?" Ashton asks me with a smile. I feel a little confused. Why is he smiling at me like I didn't catapult a knife into Cam's heart just two weeks ago? Judging by the half-smile on Mel's face, I can tell that she probably told the guys to treat me as if nothing happened. Deciding not to mess anything up, I nod slowly.
"It's been going," I reply as I rub my hands along my jeans, "uh, studying a lot- you know, midterms."
"Yeah, tell me about it," Axel groans with a shake of his head.
"Can we not talk about school? It's supposed to be a good night," Gen acknowledges as she looks between the four of us. I suddenly question why I even bothered to show up. I'm fifth wheeling. There's no fun to be had here tonight, at least not for me. I don't even want to talk to anyone. I'm going to be stuck sitting here listening to them flirt with each other and occasionally make awkward conversation with me when the remember that I'm still here. Maybe I can just slip away and leave. I'll text Mel a lie that I forgot about an assignment I have due on Monday.
"I'm going to go find the bathroom," I announce to no one in particular before pushing past a couple of people. Thankfully this party isn't disgustingly crowded; there's still room to breathe and move around. I somehow manage to get outside and I approach the sidewalk, shaking the discomfort from my system. As I take my phone from my pocket to call for a ride, I hear a familiar voice. My head snaps up immediately and I find Cam two cars away, leaning against the side of his vehicle. A girl stands on the sidewalk with an interested smile on her face and Cam nods at whatever she's saying. I feel my heart drop to my stomach as I assess him once, twice, and then again. He's not dressed up for a party. He's wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt but he still pulls it off, which isn't a surprise.
"Are you coming in?" I hear the girl ask as I watch them intensely, trying to read the situation. I know it's not my business and I have no right to be mad or jealous but I just want to know.
"No, I was just dropping my friends off," he explains himself as he shifts on his feet a little. I notice that his car is still running and that he has a fast food drink in his loose grip.
"Oh..." the girl responds and I can already tell what she's going to say next. "That's a bummer. It'd have been cool to hang out with you."
A car drives past and I miss Cam's response but I watch as she approaches him and they exchange phones. I stare at the girl as she types on Cameron's phone, probably making a contact for herself. Her long blonde hair falls to her mid back and she brushes it out of her face every so often. Even from far away, I can tell that she's pretty. Her side profile tells me enough to know that she's good looking.
"Just text me," she says as she slowly starts to back away with a grin on her face.
"I will," Cam confirms with a nod. I can see his familiar half smile from here and I feel my stomach tighten even more. Again, I know I have no right but I can't help but feel hurt. She turns and heads towards the house and he watches her for a second before glancing down at his phone.
I expect him to get in his car and head out so when he steps onto the sidewalk and turns in my direction, I automatically freeze. In a matter of seconds, I realize that I'm standing right beside the trash can, which is where he intends on disposing of his drink. He spots me just as I make that realization and he stutter-steps, as if genuinely surprised to see me here. I don't allow myself to take the time to read his expression and figure out whether or not he's relieved to see me, angry, annoyed, or anything else. I robotically back up, turn around, and head down the street.
When I reach the corner, I let out the breath I didn't realize I was holding and lean over a bit. That hurt...a lot. Here I was, thinking I was making progress by not thinking about him as much but seeing him sent a shock through my body. A painful, sharp, hard shock. I curl my arms up and place my wrists on either side of my head, giving myself tunnel vision. Why did that hurt so much?
You know why it hurt so much, you idiot. I stare at the sky before closing my eyes and attempting to rid my brain of the thoughts of Cameron. I'm interrupted by the ringing of my phone, which causes me to jump. I fish it from my pocket and look at the caller ID. Gen. It's just Gen.
"Hello?" I enter the conversation, clearing my throat for a second after the word leaves my lips.
"Where are you?" she questions me worriedly.
"I, uh, had to get some fresh air," I respond as I tug another hand through my freshly straightened hair, which is frizzing up because of the humidity. I couldn't care less at this point.
"Oh, well are you coming back inside?" she presses and I let out a long sigh.
"I, uh, saw him," I stumble over my words like an idiot. A short silence ensues before I clear my throat once more. "So I'm just going to head home."
"Are you okay?" she asks and I force myself to nod, knowing she can't see me. It feels more like its for me than anyone else.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I lie as I continue to bob my head. "My ride's almost here. I'll see you later." As I hang up, I decide to actually call a ride before I can backtrack in hopes of finding Cam again. So much for a night of fun.
+++
"How are you?" my sister questions curiously. I can tell she's still bitter about my bad decision making skills but at the end of the day, I'm still her sister. "You know, after having shattered that poor boys heart?"
I stare at the all-too familiar menu at Cuppa. I don't even know why I'm looking so hard. I already know what I'm going to get. "I'm not exactly fine but I'm still kicking," I mumble into the phone.
"You know, the first week, I was convinced you'd cave and go crawling back. The second week, I was still sure about it. It's been three weeks and you haven't even brought it up. Has the thought occurred to you? At all?" she wonders.
"Of course," I scoff at her. "Every single day. I just know better than to do it. I keep reminding myself why I left in the first place- for him."
Before my sister can reply, I place my order, pay, and join the other caffeine addicts waiting for their drinks. I continue to talk to my sister, who drops low blows every few minutes to remind me that she still hasn't forgiven me for what I did. I half-listen to her, half focus on listening for my name.
Most people here getting coffee at nearly 10 at night are studying for midterms. I just need it so I can stay up and watch Netflix longer. Every night these last few weeks, I've gone to bed at roughly 11:30. There's nothing, or no one, to keep me up later. I want to enjoy my Friday night alone, seeing as the girls are out on dates. Just as the bell over the door rings, signifying another customer, my name is called.
"Felicity!" they yell as the place my drink on the counter. I retrieve my drink and turn towards the door, which is being held open. I stop dead in my tracks when I find Cameron closing his umbrella and shaking the droplets of rain from his hair. He looks up at me and our eyes lock, resulting in a gymnast style routine from my stomach. Cam stares at me and I return his strong gaze, wishing I'd have just stayed home. No, I really wish I wouldn't have walked out that day.
"Fee? Fliz?" my sister blabs in my ear but I'm too busy trying to get my legs to work. I eventually manage to fall back into my stride and avert my gaze from Cam. I feel him watching me as I exit Cuppa, not even bothering to take a second to open my umbrella. "Just ignore me, its fine."
"I just ran into Cam at the coffee shop," I tell her once I'm halfway down the street.
"Awkward," my sister mumbles. "He should've thrown hot coffee at you."
"He doesn't get hot coffee," I tell her with a roll of my eyes. "He gets black cold brew."
"You remember," she coos and I feel my chest tighten.
"I wish I didn't," I mutter into the phone. "It'd be so much easier if I could just forget everything. You know what's really pathetic? Sometimes, I catch whiffs of him around my room. I was doing laundry yesterday and I went to throw in one of my hoodies but I guess I wore it when I hung out with him, so it smelled like him."
"Did you wash it?" she asks, which gets a quiet sigh from me.
"I'm wearing it right now," I confess in a hushed tone as I look down at the black pullover.
"Fee," my sister mutters sadly and I let out another sigh but this one is louder.
"I know. This could've all been avoided. I know. I know. I know a thousand times," I tell her as I stare at my apartment in the distance.
"That's not what I was going to say," she replies. "I was going to apologize for being so harsh. I keep forgetting that you've never gone through anything like this before. I think I was upset because finding a good guy who cares is really, really rare and so many girls have to settle for assholes; I guess I just took that annoyance out on you. It takes time but you'll eventually start feeling better. It's a process though."
I shake my head as I adjust my umbrella. "I've gotten used to beating myself up about it. It's the only thing that's stopping me from picking up the phone and giving him a call," I confess. "I'm trying to move on and I'm trying to let him move on but its so hard."
"I know," she assures me.
"Seeing him hurts. Thinking about him hurts. Hearing about him hurts. I just miss him a lot," I explain as I start up the steps to my porch. I unlock the front door and shut it behind me. By the time I reach my apartment, my sister is in a full-fledged explanation as to how things will get better and how it'll be easier soon.
"How long will it take?" I question and she's silent. "Nola?"
"Well...it depends on how much you liked him," she replies, which gets a loud sigh from me.
"So it's going to take a while," I concur as I drop onto my bed. "Is there any way I can speed up the process?"
"I'd say closure but I don't think you talking to him is the best idea for either of you," she mutters after a minute of thought. I take the brief interlude to remove my shoes. She takes another pause and I can tell she's waiting to ask a question. "Have you reached out to anyone? You know...like Rex or Danny?"
I let out a bitter laugh. "I can't even look at anyone else without automatically comparing them to Cam," I confess. "I don't even find myself being attracted to people, Nola."
"You really liked him, huh?" she questions and I want to sigh.
"More than I thought," I huff out a response.
"It's okay. You're coming home tomorrow and you have a week away from school. You can just relax and hang out with us. Not to mention, we're all cooking for Thanksgiving so you get a break from dining hall food. Just stop beating yourself up about it. What's done is done; all you can focus on now is moving past it."
"I just feel like I messed up. Like maybe Cam and I could've worked if I would've tried a little harder," I mumble quietly.
"Maybe, but it's too late for that now," she responds glumly. "You just have to learn from it."
I let out a sigh as I stretch out on my bed. I really messed up.