-I got issues
I woke up with a splitting headache; I couldn't remember much about the night before but from the fragments that swirled around in my mind I was sure that my girls and I had a good night. I felt around the bedside table for my phone with my eyes still closed; Jay always opened the blinds when he woke up and I wasn't ready for the negative reaction that I was sure to have from the bright light of the sun. I opened my eyes into slits and checked my phone for missed calls and other notifications, it didn't seem like Jazzy or Lea were up yet, so I begrudgingly decided to get out of bed and get on with my day. I winced at the sunlight and quickly scurried over to close the blinds; I wasn't ready for that quite yet.
My morning routine took longer than usual because I had to tame my hair which was strewn in twenty different directions; I must have been all over the place while I slept. I felt somewhat better by the time I stepped out of the hot shower; the headache was still there but I didn't feel as gross as I did when I woke up. I decided to throw on one of Jay's sweatshirts and then began my hunt for painkillers and coffee. My boyfriend was sitting comfortably at my breakfast bar while he talked to someone on the phone, he laughed when he saw me and told whoever it was on the other line that he would call them back.
"You're finally up? I was about to go to the store because I was bored without you." Jay said as he walked over to me and placed a kiss on my forehead. "Here ma, take these and drink this juice." He pointed to the painkillers and orange juice that he set out for me.
I smiled and nodded, "Thanks." My hoarse voice croaked in response, "I feel like shit." I groaned and took the pills and juice.
"At least you don't look like shit. The three of y'all are mad crazy when you're drunk. I had to chase all of you down the block." He chuckled and pulled me to sit down.
I hid my face in my hands and shook my head, "I don't even remember that! I'm almost embarrassed." I admitted, on the verge of laughter as I pictured Jason chasing us.
"It was cute, y'all ran to some other bar because Kev's place cut you off. Then the three of you were playing tag in the street; I didn't get everyone home until around six this morning but I'm glad you had fun." Jay smiled and leaned over to kiss me on the cheek.
"That's why I don't drink often, I can't remember any of that." I shook my head and sipped some more of my juice, my throat was so sore that I could barely speak above a whisper.
Jay shrugged, "That's what happens when you work too much; playtime goes overboard but it's aight. Maybe just don't run around in the street next time." He teased and lightly bumped my shoulder.
I rolled my eyes, "Whatever, I guess I'm not going to see Amira today then. I love her but she can't see me like this yet." Hungover Kira was not an image that Jason's mother needed so I would have to reschedule the little date that we had planned.
"I already called her, she said that you'll just have to come over tomorrow. She told me that I wasn't invited but it's aight, no one loves me anymore." He shrugged and pouted exaggeratedly before standing up and pulling me with him in the direction of my living room.
"They love you, I'm just you know...more interesting, way prettier and not to mention an all-around pleasure to be around." I replied; I couldn't wait to spend more time with his family, they were everything that I'd ever wanted. They were funny, supportive and accepting people, whereas my mother's side of the family didn't talk to me or TJ because they hated my father and my father's side of the family was manipulative and delusional to say the least.
"Don't start, I need to prepare myself for all the abuse that I'm about to get tomorrow." Jay laughed and turned the TV on.
My phone started to ring before I could respond and I groaned when I saw the caller ID; it was like I'd conjured them by thinking about them. "Hi Yvette." I answered in a bored tone before leaving the room.
"It's AUNT Yvette or nothing little girl. I'm surprised you even picked up the phone. Lord knows you don't like your family." Yvette said in her usual holier than thou tone. "And what is wrong with your voice child? Are you hungover?" My father's sister was just like him in the way that she rarely spoke to me but demanded so much respect when she deigned to call my phone; I may have resented my father but I hated his whole family for leaving my brother and I to fend for ourselves; especially when they knew how unfit he was.
"What was it that you needed?" I needed to her to get to the point so that we wouldn't have to talk again for another year or however long I would be free of her.
"Your daddy is in a rehabilitation centre and he wants to make amends. I said that I would try to contact you because y'all trifling ass kids won't even let him have your number." Yvette spat, I swore that no one in my "family" had any sense of accountability for their own actions.
"Text me the address and we'll see if I go. Bye Yvette." I hung up and took a few deep breaths, that lady always pissed me off by just existing; my father had two sisters, Vivian and Yvette who had metal rods permanently shoved up their asses. They never helped me or my brother with anything and were so delusional that they could never see all of the flaws that their brother possessed. His whole family decided that it was easier to ignore how badly he treated his own children than to intervene; I could have had a far more well-adjusted life if they weren't more concerned with keeping up appearances than the welfare of their own blood. My phone pinged with the address of where Theodore was along with a bible verse about forgiveness; I rolled my eyes and put my phone on silent.
Jay was flipping through the channels when I re-entered the room, he turned the TV off when he saw me, "Everything okay?"
I nodded, "Just my supposed aunt trying to get me to go see my supposed father." I replied with a shrug, I was fully aware that I would end up going to see him; as long as TJ promised to go with me, although I thought that it was bullshit for him to blame his obvious mental defects on alcoholism. That may have been part of it but it damn sure wasn't all of it; I wished that he would be accountable for his actions instead of blaming his character flaws on other things and I hoped that it was what he intended to do when he saw TJ and I.
"We talked about this on your launch night, remember? You know how it can benefit you but you have to decide if it's worth any further pain." Jay pulled me onto his lap. "I'll support you either way."
"If TJ goes then I'll go; I know those two dumb ass broads are gonna try to come at me like they know me." I sighed, "I think I would be okay even if he hurts me; at least I would be able to say that I tried. I don't want to be like him so I always have to do the opposite of what I think he would do." I sincerely hoped that I wasn't making the right call.
Jay's phone buzzed and he reluctantly checked it, "I have a meeting at the new building but I can stay if you need me."
"No it's okay, I'm going to just call my brother and see what he says. I'll talk to you about it later." I kissed him and smiled, "Love you."
"And I love you too, I'll probably come back here tonight; there's food in the oven for when you feel up to eating." He winked as he placed me on the bed and got up. "Call me if you need me KP."
I nodded and waited until I heard the front door close to call my brother.
"You calling me about the unfortunate two? Cause I already told Vivian to eat a dick." TJ shouted; his voice was competing with the loud sounds of traffic and construction all around him.
I chuckled, "I wanna go but I need you to come with me; it would fuck me up more if I don't at least try. We can leave any time we want; I just want to hear what he has to say." I knew that my brother would go with me because he never let me do anything scary on my own; especially if I asked him for help.
TJ paused for a couple of seconds and then groaned, "Only because I love you, but I'm not above embarrassing one of those old broads so they better act right." TJ hated either more or as much as I did for the simple fact that they always cleaned up our father's messes; a neighbour would call Child Protective Services to take us away from the house and they would intercept it and make it seem like everything was perfect. They treated us terribly and yet were still surprised that we wanted nothing to do with any other members of the Price family.
"I know but we have to do this for ourselves. If he doesn't own up to the shit that he pulled then we can cut all ties and pretend like he died." I reassured him. "I just don't want the 'what if' to weigh on me." Regardless of how I felt about Theodore Price, I knew that I would be destroyed if something happened to him before I tried to resolve the eleven years of issues that I had because of him.
"He has been dead to me for eleven years Kira, but I understand what you're saying. We'll hear the old man out but that's it; what's done can't be erased. I'm about to step into a meeting but I'll call you later to sort everything out." TJ spoke lowly as the background faded away.
"No worries, thanks T." I smiled, he truly was the best brother anyone could ask for; I couldn't imagine what that hell would have been like without him.
"I got you KK, later." He hung up and I was left to think about what I had just agreed to.
I wasn't naive; therefore, I wasn't expecting any grand gestures or honesty. On the other hand, I appreciated that he'd gotten farther than he ever had before. My father never even tried to go to rehab for his alcoholism before, which led my pessimistic mind to believe that he was forced into it somehow; he blamed everyone else around him for his problems so he could never see that he had any issues. Although drinking was never his problem; it was his temperamental mood, his verbal and emotional torture and his absence that was the problem, the drinking only added fuel to the fire.
I knew that it was wrong to do but I couldn't stop myself from comparing my father to Jason's. David was a great guy, he supported and loved all of his sons equally whether they were biologically his or not. I thought back to the day I'd spent with Jason's family and how the love that they all had for each other was palpable; even as they joked around and teased each other. It was something that I dreamed of having for most of my childhood, not someone who called me names and shouted at me for being hungry one day and then taking me out to eat at my favourite place the next day. The only thing scarier than an aggressive person was an unpredictable one; someone who didn't love you every day, someone who disappeared for weeks and came back for a few days; that was the scariest thing that I experienced as a child.
A distraction was needed desperately, I couldn't spend any more time dwelling on the past; it was much more pleasant to look to the future and imagine all the great things that were sure to happen for not only me but everyone else in my life. I was in a great place in life; I had success, amazing friends, an amazing brother and a great man who was always there for me. It was natural for me to acknowledge the missing pieces of my puzzle, but I was done with trying to make old ones fit. I just knew deep down that seeing my father, regardless of how he decided to act would help me to move forward with my life properly; no more burying the bad memories or pretending like things didn't get to me, I would learn to accept and process negative experiences and channel those feelings into making my life more positive.
I sent a quick text to the group chat that I had with Jazzy and Lea asking them to come over, with a quick summary of my plans. They were seated on my couch within the hour.
"I think that he needs therapy not rehab, he had me in tears on the few times that I had the misfortune of seeing him interact with you." Jazzy's voice cracked as though the memories alone were enough to make her cry.
"KiKi, I know that's your dad and everything, but that man disgusts me. I don't want him to hurt you anymore than he already has." Lea added as she twirled a piece of my hair.
I sighed and bit my lip as tears threatened to fall, "Me neither, but TJ and I both need to do this. Even if it doesn't give me any clarity then I know that it'll make me feel good to see him at rock bottom. I just hope that I'm not making a mistake."
Jazzy shook her head, "You're not. You'll get what you need out of the experience whether it's painful or not."
"I agree, you can't let the past plague your adulthood any longer. Close that fuckin' book once and for all. When are you going back home?" Lea asked me.
I shrugged noncommittally, "As soon as I can, just to get it over with. I already told y'all that I hate my aunts and I don't plan on being around long enough for them to bother me." I hadn't seen them in person for years but their occasional one minute phone calls were usually more than I could handle. I made a mental note to block their numbers as soon as I got back.
"Well I hope you get what you need from Theodore and I'll drive out there at the drop of a dime if you need backup." Lea kissed me on the cheek and leaned against my shoulder.
"Me too, I hope it turns out okay. Remember that you can leave the second you start to feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed." Jazzy added as she leaned on my other shoulder.
I nodded but didn't reply, my mind was racing as I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the couch. We stayed there in silence for what felt like forever but I felt the most peace that I had felt all day. I was stronger than ever and ready to face the root of my issues head on; Demarcus was just a scapegoat; my experiences with him only happened because I didn't know any better but Theodore was the real problem. He was the reason that I found it difficult to progress with Jason, the reason that I was so afraid that Jason would leave me, the reason that I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. I had issues with my father that I tried my best to deal with on my own, but I needed him to help me to understand.
I needed to know why he'd changed so much, why he hated me and TJ but most of all I needed to understand why I still worried about him and why under all the resentment that I held for him that I still loved him...
....and wanted him to love me.