CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Nicole
I didn’t feel like speaking much, and nor did Lucy or Jase. When he’d come out of the meeting room, his face had been grim, but different to when he’d gone in. He didn’t look any happier - who could in a fucked up situation like that - but there was a new look of determination on his face. It was a look that said, I’m going to make things right.
He thumped on the rickety counter of the bar to get everyone’s attention. He hadn’t needed to of course, all eyes were on him already. “If you’re not a member or a prospect we’re going to need you to leave. Everyone!” His voice boomed across the room and no one dared to question him. His voice meant business and I could feel the underlying rage boiling underneath his barely controlled voice. I shivered a little and assumed he meant me too. Even though I’d done nothing wrong I still felt nervous.
I pushed myself up from the table and wondered what to do. Will someone call me a taxi? I don’t even know where we are.
Maybe I should have insisted on a taxi for me and Lucy. But no, Jase came over. “I’ll drive you two back. I’ve got some errands to run.” His voice was different to yesterday. He wasn’t being cold, exactly, but there was a harshness and disinterest that hadn’t been there before. It was like he was only half there. Not surprising, poor guy.
He led me over to where Lucy was sitting, head down, at a table. She looked younger than her twenty-one years sitting there in yesterday’s skimpy outfit; like a young teenager dressing up far beyond her years. She raised her head dully as we approached.
“Let’s go Lucy. Let’s go back to the dorm.”
She nodded, though from her eyes you wouldn’t have known she’d comprehended what I’d said. They were empty of emotion, though the trails down through her ruined makeup showed where she’d been crying before. She’s spent.
A few minutes later we sat in the front of a pickup truck. Jase was driving, I was next to him, and Lucy sat with her head pressed against the window, staring at the dull desert scenery as we left the compound and headed back to the college.
I stared forward as we drove down the road. It felt strange now to be going almost sixty miles an hour and not feel the wind rushing through my hair and over my body. Has it only been a day? It seems like a lifetime ago I left old Nicole behind.
I turned to watch Jase as he drove. He was holding the steering wheel with one hand, the other arm resting on the door. I could see the tendons in his forearm flexing as he controlled the truck. Around his wrist I noticed a tattoo written in cursive script. Due to the steering wheel and the angle of his arm I couldn’t read it properly.
My fingers ran over the soft hairs of his wrist as I indicated the tattoo. “What does it say?”
Jase glanced down as if he’d forgotten what was on his wrist and needed to check himself. His expression turned cold when he saw where my fingers rested. I gulped.
“It’s bullshit.”
“Oh.” I didn’t know what to say. It was obviously a sensitive issue.
Jase sighed and spoke again, “I got it when I was young. In high school. Me and…” his voice trailed off.
“Brodie?” My voice was soft. Poor guy. I can see he’s hurting so bad. Has he even cried?
He nodded. “He got it too. We were fuckin’ idiots. Hadn’t lived. Didn’t know what we were doing.”
I wondered what could be so bad. I could make out what looked like love, and none, but I wasn’t sure what the rest said. “Even if it’s stupid, at least you’ll have it to remember him by.” God that sounds trite. You’re still an idiot Nicole.
He placed his other hand on to the steering wheel and held his wrist out in front of my face, twisting it slowly. I read the words out loud as I deciphered the cursive on his thick wrist. “Love All. Trust Few. Do harm to none.”
“It’s fucking bullshit, right?”
I think it sounds nice. “Where is it from?”
Lucy opened her mouth for the first time since we’d got in the truck. “Shakespeare.” She looked at Jase for confirmation.
“Yeah. But it’s fucking bullshit. ‘Love all’? Am I supposed to love the fuckhead who whacked Brodie? ‘Do harm to none?’ Am I just going to turn the other cheek? Fuck that shit.”
“Fuck that shit.” Lucy repeated in agreement as she turned her head back to the window. There was a dull thump as she rested her head back against it. She didn’t speak again the rest of the trip.
“I guess.” They’ve got a point. Sometimes you’ve got to do harm, right? Even if it’s just a little bit. Like those meth heads yesterday. I remembered standing over them, feeling the power we had over them, willing Jase to push down harder with his boot as they squirmed.
I pulled my feet up onto the bench-seat and hugged my legs with my arms. “So what’s going to happen? Do you think the police will catch whoever did it?”
“The police won’t do shit.”
“No?”
“No. Sometimes in life you have to settle things yourself. Especially if you’re people like me, like us.” Am I part of that, ‘us’?
“So what’s going to happen?”
“Don’t worry about it.” Don’t you trust me? How could you, I guess. We only met yesterday. Who am I to you?
“Sorry. Just, y’know. I hope you get whoever did it.”
He didn’t reply and we spent most of the rest of the journey in silence. It wasn’t an awkward silence, but it wasn’t quite comfortable either. I hugged my legs tightly and squeezed my eyes shut.
I found myself lost in my thoughts. Dark, dangerous thoughts. I imagined things I’d never imagined before, never even imagined imagining before. A vision flashed across my mind unbidden. I saw Jase standing and grinning triumphant. But the grin was maniacal. In his left hand was a knife, a big combat knife, and his right hand was a severed head which he clutched by the hair. The head’s mouth was open in a voiceless scream and the eyes were rolled back so only the whites were showing.
I gasped loudly.
“What is it?”
“Nothing. I dozed off.”
The vision hung in the back of my mind. Do it. Do it Jase, get those fuckers who murdered your friend.
The journey only took half an hour, but it felt much longer. He drove the pickup to the front of our dorm, ignoring the prominent “No Parking” sign. We all got out of the truck, and walked up to the front door, one of us on either side of Jase.
He placed a hand on the bare skin of my lower back, guiding me forward. It felt good. His other arm was wrapped protectively around Lucy’s shoulder. I punched in my code to unlock the door and we walked in. A bookish looking sophomore saw us and gulped, before hurriedly turning his head away.
I frowned for a moment. Then I realized. Lucy and I were dressed up like sluts, our makeup was all over our faces, and last night wasn’t even Halloween. And I couldn’t give a fuck. Run away little boy.
“Which way?”
“Up the stairs.” I said with a nod of my head in the direction we needed to follow.
We walked up to our floor and headed to our room. As we walked down the hallway it all seemed so childish to me. Each of the doors were decorated with signs displaying the occupants’ names and whatever pictures or other artwork they’d decided to decorate it with. There were hearts and stars, glitter and cartoon puppies, rainbows and lipstick kisses. Coming back here after the previous 24 hours felt like going back to kindergarten after high school.
“Yoo hoo! Nicole! Lucy!” Ugh. Belinda. She was the RA and one of the most irritating people I’d ever met.
“Hi Belinda. Bye Belinda.” I don’t have time for your shit today Belinda.
“Make sure you have him out by se-ven” she sing-sanged.
While we were allowed guests during the day, all male visitors had to be out by seven p.m. and, like all the other rules, this was gleefully enforced by Belinda. If there was a male in your room, no matter how quietly they snuck in, Belinda would be there like an annoying fairy-godmother the second the clock struck 7, hammering on the door with a cry of “Ro-meo, time to go-ohhh!”
Most irritatingly of all, Belinda’s room was right next to ours. We joked that she spent most of her evenings with a glass pressed against the adjoining wall, listening to make sure we hadn’t sneaked a boy in or a can of beer.
I pulled out the room key from the tiny pocket on the front of my shorts. There was no ring, or chain with it, but even so it had been digging in to my leg for the past day. We entered the room quickly leaving an inanely smiling Belinda outside in the hallway.
I pulled Jase over to my side of the room where we sat on the edge of the bed. Lucy walked over to her closet. I watched as she unzipped the sides of her boots, and then, lifting her legs high into the air one after the other like a ballerina, pulled the boots off and dropped them onto the floor. She was much more elegant than me at that. Practice, I guess.
"I'm going to take a bath." She reached into her closet and pulled out one of her large white fluffy towels. Lucy was famed for her long baths and I knew we wouldn't see her again for at least an hour, maybe two. She grabbed a few items of clothing and her plastic basket filled with a dozen or more soaps, shampoos and creams and headed out the door. She looks so innocent. Is that really the girl who fucked two bikers yesterday?
I reached my hand over to Jase’s and gave it a squeeze. He squeezed it back, sighed and let his body fall back on to the bed. I looked down at him. Laying there with his eyes closed he looked exhausted.
I sat on the edge of the bed, leaned forward and pulled off my own boots. I knew that if I tried to do it the same way Lucy had, raising my legs into the air while standing up, I would have toppled over. I didn’t try.
With my boots off I lay back next to Jase. I felt dirty. I was dirty - my hair was full of the reek of smoke and there were still gray stains and smudges from dust and dirt on my body. I resolved to have a shower as soon as Jase left.
When my head hit the bed next to his our faces turned to each other and he opened his eyes. We gazed at each other, unspeaking. Nothing needed to be said. Nothing could be said. Too much had happened in too short a time. But still not enough.
I felt an aching inside me, a needing want to be held, to be touched, to be filled. After the craziness we’d been through I wanted the reassurance of strong arms around me and someone holding me tight.
And Jase? What did he need? I think he needed a release. So soon after losing his friend I knew he was seething inside, I knew he wanted to do something, to get revenge; but he couldn’t, at least not yet. But he was still full up with pent up emotions and feelings - he had needs to be released.
His eyes widened as he stared into mine. For thirty seconds, and then a minute, we simply looked at each other. But as we stared I could feel myself burning up. Adrenaline was rushing through my body and my aching muscles felt revitalized. I could have sworn I could feel the heat emanating from his body filling the gap between us. We stared, and we looked, and our breathing became shallower and faster. I gulped. He swallowed.
Then he was on me. One moment we were laying in tense silence, the next was filled with a flurry of movement, of rushed gasps and surprised moans. The t-shirt Lucy and I had so carefully worked on the day before was ripped open and flung aside.
My skin-showing jean-shorts were yanked down and tossed away, my panties going with them. In seconds I was shoved backwards onto the bed, naked and bare, my legs spread open offering myself to him. I felt no shame or embarrassment, no fear or worry. My body was covered in goosebumps as I lay before him, consumed by lust, waiting for him to take me.
He reared up from the bed and yanked off his shirt. I couldn’t help but shiver as I once again saw his carved and tattooed chest and flat stomach above me. His eyes were wild as he yanked open his belt and pulled down his jeans and underwear. Take me. Do me. Fuck me.
His eyes were crazed, like an animal - there was no romance in our first time, it was pure lust, pure desire, pure need and release. He yanked off his boots and pants and then he was upon me. There was no cuddling and no gentle kisses, there was no teasing or foreplay or will-we, won’t-we.
Jase grabbed my ankles in his strong grip and forced my legs up around my head. I bit my lip and moaned as I saw him kneeling before me as he rapidly positioned himself. And then my quiet moan turned to a gasp as he shoved himself forward, thrusting into me. I was hot and wet and ready but the force of the sudden intrusion sent a lurch through my stomach and I let out a little shriek.
“Oh God.” I let out in a whine as he began to thrust into me. I’d never experienced anything so sudden or rough. My previous experiences had all been of slow buildups, caressing, teasing and slow and gentle entry full of countless questions of concern and utterances of reassurance. But the first time with Jase? It was like being taken by a Viking.
I squeezed my eyes shut and held onto my ankles as he drove into me, grunting. He started hard and fast and then only got more and more intense. I panted and moaned and whined and gulped as he pounded into me over, and over and over. I opened my eyes a moment and saw that his were wide open, staring down at me with a grimace on his face as he thrust himself again and again into my hot, tight and willing body.
We didn’t speak at all that first time. Our only communication was my slick acceptance of his forceful thrusts. Our violent coupling couldn’t have lasted more than a few minutes, but my body still rewarded me with an explosive orgasm that overwhelmed me to numbness as he let out his final grunts and finished his punishing thrusts with a final push that seemed to force my mattress up around me as he forced me downward.
He collapsed on top of me, his head next to mine as he released my legs and I let them fall back down to the bed. I gripped his long dirty blond hair in two fistfuls as I held him close to me, his face nuzzled against my neck. The room was silent except for our rapidly slowing pants. I felt my body spasm around him as he slowly shrunk inside me.
No words were said as I held him close. I could sense he needed it. And so did I. I felt something damp against my neck. Are those tears? “It’s okay,” I whispered in his ear, “It’s okay.”
***
I woke up when Lucy came back. I found myself alone, lying naked under the sheets.
“What time is it?” I asked, bleary eyed.
“I don’t know.”
Her voice was calm and soft, not its normal ebullient self. I watched as Lucy crawled into her bed and pulled her pillow over her head, blocking out the world. It seemed like a good idea so I lifted my own pillow to mimic her, and that’s when I found the note.
Sorry. I had to go. I can’t see you for a while. The clubhouse is on lock-down. We have things to sort out. I’ll call you. Sorry about before. ~Jase
“Don’t call me, I’ll call you.” I muttered to myself.
Lucy lifted the pillow off her head. “What?”
“Nothing.”
“Don’t call anyone.”
What?
“Okay.”
I pulled my own pillow over my head and curled up into a ball. I could feel every ache and bruise across my body. Inside, too. I closed my eyes tightly and focused on the different pains, savoring them as I remembered what he did to me, and what I’d done to him, since we’d met.
When will I see you again?