"I— They said—" The words refused to form properly, both in my mind and my mouth. The sight of Axel standing in the doorway, holding a cup of steaming coffee, wearing his gosh-darned slippers, was so out of line with what I'd convinced myself of. The last two hours of panic was suddenly blotted out by this new image of Axel, so confused and sleepy, and so safe.
"Did something happen?" he asked in that serious tone of his. His dark brows were drawn together, and his fist clutched the cup in his hand. I could tell he was looking me over, from my sweaty forehead to the elf-like shoes Seth had ordered on eBay.
"I'm an idiot," I declared, more to myself than to Axel. I could feel my cheeks reddening, probably staining my already flushed face a darker crimson. Fuck. They'd been rumors. Of course they were rumors. It seemed like the most obvious conclusion now. Like when you watch the reveal of the culprit in a crime show, and you piece together all the clues and foreshadowing, realizing just how obvious the conclusion is. I'd believed some snotty second year's joke, abandoned Seth in the middle of an important competition, and showed up on Axel's doorstep, looking a fool in my Peter Pan costume.
Why had I thought Axel would show up to the party...? The fact that he didn't wasn't a proof of his injury, but rather a result of my track record of misunderstanding him. Just because he mentioned it in an offhand comment last week, didn't mean he meant to show up. At a loss for words, I dropped my gaze and studied Axel's slippers.
"Do you want to come in?" Axel took a sip of his drink, then pushed the door open, just enough to allow me entrance if I wanted it.
"I'm supposed to be at the party," I mumbled, thinking about Seth and Best Costume and celebrating his inevitable victory over Miriam Reed. I should have been in the crowd now, rooting for my buddy and booing his competitors. Why wasn't I? Why was I on Axel's doorstep, all of a sudden believing rumors I would have scoffed at before?
"You should at least borrow a jacket."
Axel moved away — his feet disappeared from my view — and there came a rustling sound from nearby. I was still red, still sweating, and still feeling like the most foolish boy in town.
"I'm sorry," I mumbled, wiping my brow with my hand. "I shouldn't have come. It's late, you're probably heading to bed, Seth is winning Best Costume..."
"Come on," Axel said, grabbing hold of my shoulder and hauling me inside. He left me no time to ponder or worry, but led me straight to his couch and deposited me on it. "I'll get you a drink. Hot chocolate?"
I said nothing, only stared at the coffee table and the streets below Axel's room. The windows had been fixed so well you couldn't tell they had ever been broken. I could still picture the empty holes in the wall, could still feel the wind, still recognize the panic brewing in my chest.
Why was I here?
Axel returned to my side, cup of hot chocolate in hand. He left it on the table before seating himself next to me. His laptop was closed and lying between us on the couch.
"What's going on?"
My eyes found the floor and stayed there. I studied the flecks of natural discoloration, brain dancing a wild tango in my head. How could I answer his question without revealing any of the other stuff? How could I talk to Axel, skirting the topic Seth and I had discussed back at the graveyard? I felt sick and confused, so I buried my face in my hands.
"I don't know."
"You sure?"
"It's the truth."
I drew a shaky breath, pressed my fingers against my eyes until fireworks exploded behind my eyelids. This was stupid. Why hadn't I just stopped for a second and thought things through before sprinting over here? I'd had countless opportunities to gather my wits, both at the hospital and while I sat in the cab. This was my own fault, but stewing in the doubt and desperation was doing my head in. For the second time that night, I was faced with an impossible conversation.
"I already told you this, but you're a terrible liar, Nao," Axel said. I thought I heard a smile in his tone.
"I told you it's not a lie."
"Well, there's something you're not telling me."
Time moved around us, not quite touching our tired silhouettes on that leather couch. I could hear the faint sounds of traffic and student groups howling at the moon. Below us, a network of humans was moving about their lives, partying, heading home, or spending the night with a treasured lover. Somewhere in town, Seth was getting drunk on both victory and booze, settling the scores with Miriam Reed once and for all. Somewhere in town, Lily was having a conversation with Olivia, maybe even shedding some tears over her stupid, former boyfriend.
Somewhere in town, things were moving and evolving, but in Axel's apartment, I was stuck in a desperate loop.
"I was worried," I said, at last, raising my face and staring out the window. "I thought something had happened to you."
"Huh," was all Axel said. I saw him raise his cup to his lips in my peripheral vision. Still refusing to meet his eyes, I continued.
"There were some rumors... About a fight. I thought you were hurt, so I came here."
"Why didn't you just call?"
My phone seemed to be burning a hole in my palm, almost like a question in and of itself. Yes, why hadn't I?
"I... I don't know," I murmured. It was difficult to breathe. Inhaling felt like drowning. Facing Axel was worse than facing Lily, I realized. Owning up to my past fuck-ups was easier than meeting my current ones head-on. In fact, I was fucking up right now.
"Drink," Axel suggested, shoving the hot chocolate closer to my hands. "You'll feel better."
I doubted that, but followed his advice nonetheless. He'd picked up on my drink preferences somewhere along the way, and made the best hot chocolate I'd had in a while. Taking a sip, I reveled in the warm feeling that spread through my body. Man, that hit the spot.
"Was the party nice?"
I swallowed and finally dared a direct glance into Axel's face. He was relaxed, still drinking his coffee, and was observing me through his dark, messy bangs. His hair was growing longer, I noted.
"It was okay," I said. "Lots of people, lots of decorations, someone smuggled alcohol in... Your run-of-the-mill party, really."
Axel chuckled, a warm and comfortable sound. "Sounds about right. Were everyone dressed up like you?"
Embarrassment burned in the pit of my stomach. Thanks for the reminder, asshole. I regretted not accepting his jacket earlier. The costume had felt like a good, low-effort idea at the time, but now I wished I'd went with something cooler. I must have looked like a bloody elf where I sat, hunched over and cradling my hot chocolate. I was glad I'd thrown the hat in the river at least.
"Costumes were a must," I said simply.
"It's a good costume." Axel left his now-empty cup on the table. The action elicited a soft clinking sound. He considered me. "Cute."
My belly did a weird twist. That was the second time he'd called me cute. My ears burned and my shoes felt too tight around my ankles. I desperately wished for my face to stop heating up.
"Funny," I hissed. No one was laughing.
"I mean it," Axel said, face falling into one of his wistful smiles. "I'm not making fun."
"Whatever."
I left my half-empty cup on the table and got to my feet. This was too much. I couldn't sit here and make conversation with Axel, couldn't handle his calling me cute. It was close to 2 am on a Wednesday, and my stomach was doing odd things without my permission.
"Why did you really come, Nao?"
I was halfway across the room already, halfway in the process of nicking one of Axel's jackets before stealing out of the apartment. I halted and turned around, just far enough so I could see him. My head was tingling with anger and a mysterious sense of resolve. Fine, my brain seemed to be saying. Have it your way.
"I wanted to see you," I spat. "Happy?"
But I didn't stay long enough to hear if Axel was happy or not. I grabbed his marine coat from the rack and fled as quickly as my pointy feet could carry me. I didn't even close the door, opting instead for the stairway exit, descending 23 floors on foot, all the while internally screaming at myself for every step I took.