28.
Nasir was grateful I'd brought Ross home. He was of course concerned with the bleeding eyebrow so when Ross pretended not to hear his concern I took it upon myself to address it, pulling Ross upstairs with me.
We got into the bathroom and I pulled out a first aid kit.
"I can take care of myself just fine without you," he mumbled.
"Sure," I said and put my hands on his waist, lifting him up to the bathroom countertop.
I put on gloves and wiped the dried up blood from the side of his face. I cleaned his wound with antiseptic and put a butterfly band-aid.
"There you go! You look badass," I joked.
He just looked at me. "Why are you here?" he said after a short silence.
I took off the gloves and threw them in the bin, turning on the faucet to wash my hands.
"I came back to return your money. I can't take it. It was selfish of me to take it the first time. When I got here Nasir told me you went out so I went looking for you. I was worried," I replied slowly.
"I don't need the money. Take it"
I dried my hands with a towel and pulled him down so his feet touched the ground. "I don't want it."
"You need it," he said.
"I've always needed it. Doesn't mean I deserve it. And you haven't just now realized I need it. This is about Nasir," I said softly.
His lips compressed into a thin line. He started walking away. I grabbed his hand. He stopped but didn't turn. I laced my fingers with his and pulled him to me.
"I know it makes sense running away from the pain but it's a temporary fix. This isn't going away," I said softly.
His lower lip trembled. "Let me be," he said.
"Should I let you be self-destructive?"
"Yes!" he hissed. I saw the tears welling up in his eyes.
"You're losing someone you spent four years with, but Ross Nasir is still alive. You have time with him. I know it isn't going to make up for all the times you thought you had but you still have some. You..." I said and he cut in.
"You don't know what it's like losing the only person in the world who's ever cared about you!" he snapped.
The tears finally rolled down his cheeks. I pulled him more towards me and he took reluctant steps forward. His chest crushed into mine. I wrapped my arms around him tightly.
"I can't say I do," I whispered.
We stayed silent. I could feel his chest falling and rising rapidly. He was finally crying. I massaged his back to comfort him.
"Nasir is like a dad to me. I don't tell him how much I love him because it's so hard for me but I love him very much. He's just been there and he's never judged me. I don't know what I'm gonna do without him," he cried.
I swallowed thickly. "Let him know you love and appreciate everything he's done for you. Spend time with him. Take it one day at a time."
"I can't lose him Sebastian!"
"I know, I know," I repeated softly. My heart was breaking with every second that passed. Ross's sobs were agonizingly raw and heart-rending. I couldn't see his face. I thought if I saw his face my eyes would match his.
"Is he happy?" he asked quietly.
"What do you mean?"
"I'm not asking if he's happy with dying. I'm asking if he is happy with his life with me. Does he feel like he wasted his life?"
A smile crept on my face. "I can confidently say he doesn't have Stockholm syndrome. He genuinely loves you and loves it here."
"You think so?"
"I know so. But you should talk to him, spend time with him. You can do stuff he likes doing and just spend time together."
I could hear the uncertainty in his voice when he said, "I don't know what he likes doing. He's always cooking or cleaning."
I chuckled. "I think taking care of you is his favorite thing in the world. You could always just talk," I said.
He pulled out of the hug. "About what?"
"You'll figure it out," I said with a slight smile.
"He told me you told him to tell me," he said.
"Is that why you fired me?"
"No, no. I was angry with knowing before time but I see the upside of it now. It's not why I fired you though. I fired you because I..." he said and I cut in softly.
"...don't need a PA," I said.
"No. I fired you because I was losing someone I cared about again and I didn't want you to be the next to walk out. I had to get rid of you before I start caring. Nasir dying reminded me that people never stay forever. They walk out eventually and I'm left on my own again," he said.
I closed my eyes briefly. Ross thought I'd walk out. He wasn't wrong. Eventually I'd leave. The problem was he thought that might hurt him. Didn't thinking of it suggest it was already at that point? Our relationship had gotten into a territory it was never supposed to step onto. It wasn't romantic but there were feelings involved now.
I took him by the hand and slowly led him to the bed. After sitting comfortably I pulled both his hands to me.
"I am going to leave. You've already fired me, but I mean...I didn't plan on staying forever. I have my own life. It's not much of a life but I have goals. I want to finish college and graduate. I loved being your PA even though I was horrible. I loved sleeping with you. But I cannot be dependent on you," I told him softly. "That said, I'm giving back your money whether you want it or not. I'll figure something out."
He digested my words in silence. "You still owe that guy, right? How about you pay him using the money like you did last time and I give you your job back? I won't pay you until you've paid your dues," he said.
"You don't need a PA Ross," I reminded him. It was not in my best interest to remind him of that when he was offering me a way out, but my conscience was much stronger than before. When I took the job the first time it was all about the money. I would have done anything for the money. Things had changed. Ross was now a friend.
"...But I need a butler and a chef, and everything else Nasir does. He can't continue working in his condition. Besides, we'll be spending time together."
I shook my head. "Maybe you do, but you don't need me."
"Come on. I don't have time to interview replacements. You know me and Nasir likes you. You like cooking, don't you?"
I sighed and nodded. I seemed to be on a roller-coaster. It didn't sound like a good idea staying, but I really didn't want to leave, not yet anyway. I especially didn't want to leave when things were tense between Ross and Nasir. "I'll take it. I'll do it with pride like Nasir did it," I said with a little smile.
He smiled too and fell back on the bed.
"He's an amazing guy...Nasir. I had a boyfriend once, before I met Nasir. In fact, I met Nasir because of him. I was deeply in love with him. I thought he was the one. He was my first boyfriend...and last," he said and chuckled slightly. "I spoiled him. I gave him everything he wanted. We flew to Thailand because he craved Thai food. There are a lot of Thai restaurants in this country, but they didn't appeal to him. He broke my heart and shitted on it anyway. That was unintentional of course. He never intended for me to find out he was cheating on me or that he didn't even like me. Being with me was revolting and nauseating and every synonym of disgusting he could remember," he said and paused shortly, as if replaying the events in his head.
"He bought his boyfriend a car with my money. They went on holiday with my money. Nasir didn't just save me from a broken nose; he saved me from destroying my whole life. I was a mess. I almost squandered all my wealth by making stupid investments that I knew would bankrupt me. I wanted to bankrupt myself. I thought maybe if I wasn't rich people wouldn't pretend to be attracted to me. Nasir showed me genuine people exist whether I have money or not. I tested him of course. I left stacks of cash and told him my passwords. He didn't steal anything," he continued. "He saved my life and sanity."
I played with his hand while listening. I didn't imagine Ross had ever had a boyfriend, so that was shocking. I'd always thought love for him was a foreign entity. I'd never really entertained the idea of him falling in love, especially after he told me interacting with people was hard for him. He'd fallen in love once, deeply in love and gotten hurt. I couldn't imagine someone deliberately hurting him. Maybe he was who he was because of what had happened. I was curious.
"Is he – the ex – why you don't interact with people?"
He shook his head sideways on the bed.
"I've always been bad at socializing and all that stuff."
"You're not so bad," I told him.
"Maybe now. I didn't have any friends growing up. At some point I wanted friends, but I was too shy to talk to anyone. I either froze or always ended up making them angry whenever I did," he said and chuckled. "I got to a point where I didn't want or feel the need to have friends. I still don't want friends. He –ex boyfriend – I met him when I was twenty-three. First relationship at twenty-three, yep that's me. He was handsome, nice and seemingly understood me. He didn't even get peeved that I tend to discard information that I don't find interesting quite quickly. I didn't recall his friends' names, I didn't want to meet them and he knew if his friends touched my cubes or my pins I'd murder them, and him. I guess it worked to his advantage. I'm fairly certain the guy he was cheating with was one of his "friends". I was probably oblivious to their shenanigans right underneath my nose. Anyway, uh...what was the question?"
I chuckled. "Think you've answered it."
He turned his head towards me. "Why don't you have friends?" he asked.
I shifted my weight on the bed, took off my sneakers and tucked my left foot underneath my right thigh. I had to get comfortable for what I was about to say. I'd warned Ross to stay out of my life, but we were past that now. Telling him about my past life only felt right.
"I had friends in high school, but we drifted apart after senior year, no story there. We just ended up in different places. I made friends when I moved to Fourmile..." I said and noticed his ears perk up. "Yeah, it came to my mind when I had to spin a lie for you because I lived there for two years. They weren't great friends and my life was sort-of in a dead zone. I had no money, no job and I drank a lot. When I moved here to start college I cut them out of my life. I made new friends. I unlike you am good at making friends. I just make bad friends. Remember that waiter you saw me talking to at the RossTech ball?" I said and paused.
He nodded.
"That is Justin. I was friends with him and his girlfriend for a while before he introduced me to Cameron...the guy you met this afternoon. We dated for a year. I loved him. I was in love with him. I loved the person I learned didn't exist. He did drugs, hard drugs. Justin did too. When I found out Cameron told me it wasn't a big deal. I thought maybe he was an addict and quitting was hard so I vowed to support him through it," I recounted, looking at nothing in particular. My brain was focused on recalling past events.
"He didn't want to quit. He wasn't addicted. I found out he was actually a dealer. I know two students who died because of drugs they bought from him. He cuts them with all sorts of dangerous things, even more dangerous than the drugs. I was there when one of them died. I called 911 but it was too late. I knew the right thing to do, but it still me took so much time to do it. Maybe if I'd done it sooner he would have survived. I was so scared. I didn't even really know him but it was hellish knowing he wasn't the first or the last," I said and took a deep breath. It wasn't easy saying aloud things I'd locked up in the deepest parts of my brain.
"I was so angry at myself and Cameron. When I found out he was a dealer I wasn't okay with it, but I felt distanced from it. I didn't see it happen. But when a young person dies in front of you it becomes real. I spent the first few seconds while a person was dying in front of me thinking how my boyfriend could go to jail. Cameron didn't even care. That detachment from my conscience was too much for me. I couldn't do it anymore. We fought. I threatened to report him. He decided to frame me. I didn't know he'd put drugs in my bag and when security at my college searched me they found them. I was expelled and arrested. I spent a day in jail and got a suspended sentence. I'll spend three years in jail if I re-offend. I have a criminal record now. I've gotten fired from every job I've ever had since," I explained. Ross didn't say anything and I wasn't even sure he was still listening, but I continued anyway.
"But that wasn't enough for Cameron. I returned to my apartment to find he'd turned it into his drug-cutting lab. I was furious. I was facing three years in jail and expelled from college and he was cutting drugs in my apartment. I destroyed everything and flushed down the drugs. He was so pissed but I didn't care. I started caring when Diggy wanted his drugs and they were gone. Cameron ran for it leaving me to deal with the mess. Diggy is the guy I'm paying, or else I'm dead. My mom doesn't even know I was expelled. Can you believe Cameron said he loved me?"
"Do you still love him?" Ross said after a few minutes of silence after my words. I'd concluded he'd gotten bored by my long story but he hadn't.
"Cameron?" I said. I shook my head. "I don't love him anymore."
"He's an asshole."
"Your ex is an asshole too," I said with a smile.
He sat up, taking his hand out of mine. "So where were you going that day?"
"I was running away. I couldn't pay Diggy. I couldn't report him to the police either. I got fired from three jobs because of my criminal record. I couldn't even take care of myself. I had to flee or risk being chopped to pieces," I replied.
I felt a load off just talking about my past to a warm body who was actively listening. It was cathartic. For a long time I'd held everything in, refusing to even think about it. I'd had no one to talk to and when Ross entered my life I decided he wasn't the kind of person to display such vulnerability to. I was wrong.
He entwined our hands again. "So what now?"
"Now I settle my debt, cut ties with Diggy, take care of you and Nasir and try to go back to college when I can afford to," I said. "And you?"
"Spend time with Nasir and keep you busy," he said with a wink and scooted closer to me.
Now that we knew each other and evidently cared I thought it was a bad idea to still sleep together. Things would get blurred in no time. That couldn't happen for either of us. We'd gotten burnt before and it was clear we had issues.
I couldn't say no. I didn't want to say no. Being with Ross was too captivating for me to resist. It fulfilled a deep desire in me. Even thought we shared a personal moment, Ross and I were capable of keeping things what they were; casual.
He put his hand on my jaw and leaned in for a kiss. The moment was interrupted by a knock on the door.
"Nasir is clearly worried. We've been in here too long. You have to talk to him," I said. The moment my mouth closed Ross's lips swooped on me. He gave me a short kiss.
"He can wait," he said.
"I know you're scared, but you have to do this Ross," I said. "Go talk to him. I'll sleep on your bed tonight."
"Fine," he groaned and stood up from the bed. "By the way, thanks," he said.
I smiled behind him.
Thank you.
-
A/N: So...this book was supposed to be humorous, lighthearted. When have I ever written something lighthearted fam?
But you should know, if you're sad I'm sad too. Pain shared is pain halved, or something like that.
Dante.