Age 6
I walked holding my mom’s hand into the school. I was late. I had planned with my best friend the day before to meet before school started since it was our first day of first grade and since this was a new school because the other one was just preschool and kindergarten and now we were the youngest instead of the oldest and this school went up to sixth grade and those kids looked scary. Of course my mom had different plans for me and made me late and now I was trying to find my classroom. Once we found it, the bell had already rang and I was suppose to be inside. My mom opened the door and led me in. I looked up to see two brown eyes looking straight at me and I couldn’t help but look back straight at her.I felt like all the oxygen around me had vanished and I couldn’t breathe. It felt like I had been making eye contact for hours before I heard my name being spoken by my mom. I was scared, I wasn’t sure why but maybe it was because I thought my mom had caught me staring at the girl. I wasn’t so sure why that scared me but I knew it did. Instead when I looked up she used her head to point to the teacher that had spoken to me. I looked at her confused and she realized I hadn’t heard her.
“What’s your name?” She asked me with a wide smile.
“Lauren.”
“Glad for us to join us. Find the seat with your name on it.” My eyes went directly to the brown eyed girl, I looked at the seat next to her and it was empty. I then noticed my bestfriend on the other side of the empty seat, waving and pointing to the same seat and I wondered how long she had been doing that.
“Hey.” Normani, my best friend said, not sounding mad that I had gotten there late.
“Hi.” I replied my voice shaking. I glanced over to my right where the brown eyed girl had been sitting and looked at the name written on her desk.
“Karla?” I stupidly said out loud.
“Camila.” She replied. I turned my face to her.
“What?” I asked.
“I liked to be called Camila.”
“Camilla?”
“No Cameeela.” She emphasized.
“Cameeela.” I replied with the same emphasis. She laughed and in that moment it became my favorite thing in the world.
We didn’t talk much after that because the teacher began to take roll.
“Dinah.” She said.
“She’s not here, she’s visiting her family in Arizona.” Camila answered. I don’t know why but I started to feel jealous, jealous that someone had met her before me.
Age 11
Camila and I had become better friends. It was also the age I realized that I liked her. I don’t know how it clicked in me but it did. It was weird because I had heard about gay people before but I didn’t think I was, it was just Camila. I liked guys a lot but with Camila it was different, it felt better than anything else. She made me happy just by being in the same room. It wasn’t till one day that the word bisexual came up on television that I finally understood. It was a possibility to be able to like both genders. I didn’t tell anyone though, not even Normani who was still my best friend. I don’t know why, because I knew she wasn’t going to judge me but I never felt comfortable.
Everyday after school Camila and I would walk out of the classroom to the outside of the school, where we would wait for our parents. Whenever Friday would run around it would be my favorite day, not just because it was the weekend but because the snack store was open. Every Friday as Camila and I walked out to the front of the school we would stop at the snack store and I would usually buy her something. At first it had taken some convincing but later she figured out that I was happy to buy her something.
It wasn’t till one day when Austin Mahone decided to join Camila and I as we walked out on a Friday. I knew Austin liked Camila but I never had the courage to ask Camila how he felt about him but by the way she was looking at him, I knew I wouldn’t be able to take the answer.
“Hey Camila you want something from the snack bar.” She eagerly nodded, no hesitation whatsoever. That was the second time that I had felt jealousy rise.
Age 14
Seven and eight grade we’re to say some of the least important years in my life. Camila and I went to different middle schools and to say that I was disappointed when I found out was an understatement. I made new friends in middle school but it seemed like everyday I would miss the brown eyed girl more and more. I thought the separation would help me get over her but it did quite the opposite. Instead I longed for the day I would get to see her again. The last thing I had heard was that she was dating Austin. Every time I would get out of the house, I would hope to see her again.
It was the beginning of eighth grade that I had a chance to see her at a friend’s birthday party but unluckily for me it was also the day of my dad’s birthday. It took me weeks before I had the courage to ask my mom to go and of course she said no. I nodded my head in understanding trying to hide the sadness. The day of the party I tried to enjoy my dad’s birthday but I couldn’t help the feeling that I had.
It was two months later that I finally got to see her. She was leaving the grocery store as I was about to enter, and I was her laughing with her smaller sister and her mom walking ahead. As soon as I saw her as smile greeted my face and I was speechless. She opened her arms wide and I did the same, the hug quickly ended as she tried to catch up with her mom and I with mine. I wanted to say something but it seemed like I lost my voice. As soon as I got home I quickly went on facebook to see if she had said something but she didn’t. I opened a chat but I didn’t know what to say and she wasn’t online. I waited but she didn’t connect. It wasn’t till the next morning that I saw a notification and that she had posted on my wall.
Camila to Lauren:
“I was you yesterday, hope you recognized me. I gave you a hug.”
I found it funny, as she was being the her awkward self. I tried to make a joke about how I wouldn’t just hug a stranger. The thing I didn’t say was that I would always recognize her, even if it was in twenty years and I hadn’t seen a picture of her in years, those brown eyes would forever be burned in my memory.
Age 15
It was the year I finally had the courage to come out, well not completely. I finally had the courage to come out to Normani. At first she thought I was joking that no way in hell could I be bisexual because I was so attracted to guys. After I told her how I felt about Camila though she believed me. It was something about the way that I described my feelings for her that changed her mind. At least that’s what she said, to me it was easy to describe my affection. Something about being good with describing my feelings or something which was weird because never before had I actually liked English class but writing about Camila was different. She wasn’t an essay that I was forced to write for a good grade she was more, she was the reason I would love to learn all the words in the dictionary so I could be able to describe how she makes me feel, she was the reason that words didn’t seem to justify her beauty,soul or my feelingsl. She was the reason I began to love writing poetry, songs, and stories, to find the right combination of words that would perfectly describe my feelings but so far theres no luck. I won prizes for my writing but I saw them as a failure because until the day I was able to describe either of them perfectly would I be able to reach my goal of describing my feelings for Camila Cabello.
Age 16
It wasn’t till sophomore year that Camila and I had a class together. Physics was my favorite class not only because Camila was in my class but because she didn’t know anyone else in the class so I was her go to partner for many of the labs we did. It also helped that we were some of the best students in the class so we would get our work done quickly and just talk for most of the period. I felt my feelings get stronger for her everyday and at that point I didn’t know it was possible. The writing got more frequent till the point that I wanted to take my writing off the page and let the words come out. I don’t know what it was, at first it was an urge but then it became something more. I just wanted to shout out what I felt to the world but of course I couldn’t because Camila was currently dating Brad Simpson. Brad was a nice guy and I was really happy for her. They always looked so happy together. I felt jealous but I knew that if I couldn’t date her, Brad would be one of the guys I approved of.
Age 17
It was the age that my mom asked me an important question. It was just another day as I sat writing on my computer after having finished my homework. I began to smell my mom cooking food so I went to the kitchen to ask how long it would be till it was ready. I wasn’t really expecting what would happen after that. My mom and I had always been close but she never really asked me about my writing till that day. After having asked my mom about the food and falling into a natural conversation, I saw her take a deep breathe.
“”Lauren, I need to ask you something.” Millions of thoughts began running through my head. My first thought was that I was in trouble and I thought back to all the things she wouldn’t approve of that I had done. I couldn’t think of anything that I had done recently which made me even more nervous because my mom never acted this way.
“What is it?” I nervously asked.
“You’re not in trouble or anything.” She said seeing right through me. “You haven’t done anything wrong, well that I know of.” She said raising an eyebrow. This made me even more confused as to what she wanted to ask me.
“Lauren do you like boys or girls?” My hands began to shake and I felt trouble breathing.
“Why do you ask?” Was all that I could say. It was actually my only thought. How did she know about it. Had I done something that gave me away?
“I found this poem you wrote.” She took the poem out of her back pocket and I realized why she was asking me. The poem was about Camila and I had thought I had hid it but apparently not. My mom continued to look at me and I didn’t know if I should lie or just come out. I knew this would probably be the best chance I had and if she found out later, she would be mad. So I gathered all my courage and finally spoke up.
“Both I guess.” Was what I said.
“Okay, dinner will be ready in five.” I let a huge sigh of relief. I had finally gotten it out of my chest and I could breathe easy.
Age 18
It was the time where Camila finally broke up with Brad. I wanted to tell her how I felt as soon as I found out but I knew she was heartbroken. It wasn’t until a few months later that I finally thought it was the right time. I told Normani about it and she immediately told me it was a bad idea. She said that I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. I of course knew full well and chose to ignore her for a simple reason and that was I had thought of every scenario in my head. The worst thing that could happen would be that she made fun of me and told everyone how I felt about her but I trusted Camila well enough to know that she wasn’t like that. Camila was sweet and innocent. She was a romantic, a great friend, and smart. She never judged others and she wasn’t one to gossip. I had literally seen her get up and leave a table because she got tired of hearing the people around her gossip about others. At this time I had only come out to five people not including my parents and one of them being Dinah, who had become a good friend of mine as well as Camila’s best friend. I decided to follow her and Ally’s advice. They both told me that it was my choice and that it looked like I was ready to face the consequences.
English was the last period of the day and I decided to do it after class the day we got out for Spring break. Once the bell rang, I waited for her to exit the classroom. She smiled at me as a way of waiting for her and was about to walk towards the front of the school before I grabbed her hand.
“Can we talk, please?” She looked at me confused before nodding her head. I took a deep breath before continuing.
Age 21
It was the age where I found that I might truly never forget her nor would my feelings never completely vanish. It has been almost two and a half years that I hadn’t seen nor spoken to her. I never regretted telling her how I feel, it helped but not in the way that I thought it would. This isn’t a love story like most would think, this is a story about unrequited love. There aren’t always happy endings and most the time you get hurt but there is always something good that comes out because I finally found the word. They might not win some prize or make sense to most people but to me there aren’t any other word that would describe it as perfectly as I felt.
Pain
___________________________________________________________
So this is probably my last one shot for a while unless someone suggest something and I feel like writing that, but I'm going to be writing a new story so I'll be working on that for a while. I hope you enjoy the story. -S