December
November 15th dawned dark and dreary with storm clouds looming and thunder rumbling in the distance. I sat stoically on the plush couch in Cade's home, Hoss in my lap, not really seeing the tv as some reality show played on. It had been like this for hours, sitting in the couch unseeingly listening to the sound of whatever show was playing in the background; My mind was too busy playing back the moments I had lived two years ago, body aching as if it had happened just yesterday. Hoss' wet nose pressed firmly into my palm, as if he could sense my pain. I soothed him the best I could, running my hands along his smooth coat in hopes that maybe his simple presence would help me too.
My phone chirped from its nearly permanent spot on the side table, pulling me back from my own mental prison. Hesitantly I retrieved the item, sliding my fingers over the smooth glass to reveal a group text from my sisters. I hadn't spoken to them in two days, a record for us now — my sisters tried to text at least once a day to keep connected. My heart twisted as I remembered the look on their faces two weeks past where I had finally joined their girl's night after Cade's prompting. I had missed them deeply, and I realized I had hurt them with my withdrawal from society. It had been a good night, full of laughter and catching up, one margarita for me and Tennessee, two for August but none of the others had participated; October was glowing with pregnancy, Arizona didn't touch alcohol any longer and Texas had simply passed up the offer.
Guess who came into the world today! Caroline Rose, 6 lbs 7 ounces 21 inches long.
I couldn't fight the hot tears falling down my face, nor the loud cry of anguish sailing past my lips. My iPhone fell to the floor in a heap. Deep down I was happy for October, however, my own self pity was at an all time high today. My stomach rolled acidly. I sat like this, crying for an uncountable amount of time, allowing my own sorrows to seep out into the walls of Cade's gorgeous home unabashedly. Memories of the day I had lost my own little one haunting me. However it was simply sorrow I felt, I had let go of the anger long ago — because God hadn't taken my child, Eric's actions had. Along with my own. If I hadn't stayed, been so blinded by what I thought was love, I wouldn't have been in this position. Mourning my child, grieving the loss of a baby I had never even held — though their heartbeat was a steady sound buried deep in my memories. I cried for myself, my loss, and for healing. Dr. Taylors has warned that this would happen and she had been correct, not that I wanted to admit that to her. The tears seemed never ending, and with them the storm seemed to grow worse outside, the thunder shuddering the house around me. However I didn't feel any fear at this, somehow it was helpful. Like the earth felt my own pain and was helping ease it. Hoss was still under my palm, allowing me to lean into his soft fur as the tears finally began to cease and dry, leaving my face feeling heated and puffy. I was grateful for his presence, even though the pup had no idea what was going on.
My phone beeped with the incoming texts, all from my various sisters giving their own congratulations. I hastily sent my own, proud of my baby sister. She deserved that happiness and to hear the love we had for her, no matter my own inner demons. My phone screen locked softly after a few moments, allowing me to take my eyes off of the pinkend infant in my screen.
The sound of heavy boots on the hardwood caused both Hoss and into jerk, the pup dashed toward the front door gleefully and I couldn't fight the small smile on my face. Cade was finally home. I waited patiently for the man of the hour to appear, taking in his rain soaked appearance and rugged handsomeness altogether. But Lord, I was blessed. A man like him wanting my attentions was something to be thankful for.
"Hey, gorgeous." His tired voice carried through his home, warming my insides. Tired eyes stared at me, adoration shining through them. My own soft smile was his response. Despite my internal war, I didn't fight the urge to stand and greet him, walking readily into his arms and wrapping my own around him. He smelled like the musk of a man who'd worked hard, a deep earthy scent of rain and that indescribable cologne that was all Cade. His body tightened around mine and we stood there embracing, neither of us speaking. He didn't let on his surprise — this was the first time I had initiated any kind of intimacy between us. Dr. Taylors said that these moments would likely occur more in time, and I believed that. With each passing session, every day around him, I found it harder to contain my draw to him. It wasn't simply his looks, it was pieces of Cade that I had loved long ago coming back that urged me to show him my desire for him.
And desire him, I definitely did. I would wake in his arms late at night, his face buried in my neck, or the crook of my arms and I would fight myself — I wanted to lean in and kiss him, wake him with this growing need in my belly. But I didn't. Not yet. Why? Because giving myself to him, in that manner, would be unfair. Because he didn't know my past yet, and he deserved to. He needed to know my scars and fears, my anxieties and terrors. Most of all, he needed to know what I would be giving him if I gave him myself; everything. I was nearly ready. I was almost there.
"How was your day?" I mumbled against his broad chest, enjoying the warmth that seeped into my skin from his simple touch. He didn't speak for a minute, simply held me against him. I didn't complain.
"Long." His sigh was weary, and I could feel the tension in his body. Instinctively I leaned back to look into his eyes. I could see the stress of the day across his handsome face. The set of his jaw, the tilt of his lips, the way his eyes seemed to hold less of a glimmer than before. He was bone tired. I pulled from his embrace and grabbed his hand in mine, savoring the calluses and warmth all at once. I pulled him to the couch and sat him down, reaching to help pull of his boots — my stay on the couch wasn't long. I wandered to the kitchen after handing him the remote and made him a plate. The pot roast had been in the slow cooker for hours, serving up a dollop of creamed potatoes and steamed veggies. Soft homemade bread topped off the meal with a cold beer. He smiled gratefully as I handed him his dinner, leaning in to brush a soft whisper of a kiss against my temple before digging in. The silence between us wasn't uncomfortable in the least. I stole the remote to turn it to a recorded football game, something he had missed earlier in the week. Normally we ate at the table together, enjoying the company and the food, but tonight didn't strike me as a table night. His hum of approval sent shivers down my spine. He turned to me slightly, still shoveling food in his mouth one handed and, raised his free arm. I silently slid into the space, enjoying the way his fingers played with the ends of my hair as he ate. This was what home felt like, I realized. It was a sudden supernova in my gut. Something that struck me square in the chest and took my breathe. This was what it felt like to be loved, treasure and wanted all at once.
I closed my eyes fighting off the tears of emotion, the tidal wave of shock. This is what I had missed for so long. And it occurred to me, with a fierce thought, I was never going to let this go.
Cade
"She seems better." Dane said, watching over the rim of his mug as December interacted with her sisters and new niece gleefully, the barrier from before completely gone. I agreed with him partially, but knew that her darkness still existed, but the light days were more and more.
I didn't push her, even when I wanted to. It wasn't my place. I let her come to me, let her tell me pieces of the puzzle that had become her life. Oh, I wanted to know but losing her smile wasn't worth pushing her too far.
"She has good days and bad days, Mr. Dixon. Today just happens to be a really good one." I felt as if I were betraying her by admitting this, but we had discussed talking with her family about it before. I was grateful for today, glad to see the happiness shining in her eyes when she looked at me, interacted with her family. We had been at the Dixon's for two hours now, stuffing our faces with a delicious roasted turkey and a million sides — sipping warm cider and watching the game. Talk of Christmas was buzzing around, who would host this year since each member took turns — and it had been voted that my house would be the go to since December lived there. I was more than happy with this, since it meant that she was comfortable sharing my home. Our home, more like it. In the passing months it went from just an overnight bag to her fully moving in — it wasn't odd to find hair clogging the drain or bottles of lotions littering the bathroom counter tops. Walking into the house seeing her shoes scattered by the front door and her coat on the hook gave me an indescribable amount of pleasure. Waking with her in the morning, sipping fresh coffee as we cooked breakfast together. Simple tasks like doing laundry and cleaning the kitchen filled me with happiness. I was satisfied with my life, because I was sharing it with the woman I had always wanted to be mine.
"It does an old man good to see his children happy, Cade." He sighed after a few minutes, a smile flirting with the edges of his lips. Dane Dixon was an imposing man all his own, but right now he simply seemed like a grateful parent, one who was proud of the daughters he had raised and the women they had become. Who wouldn't be with these Dixon girls? Successful in their lives, finding decent men to have families with — and beautiful children that increased in number by year. Caroline was the perfect example. My chest ached with want as I watched December cradling the two week old preciously in her arms, cooing down at her with a soft smile.
I wanted to see that look on her face when she held our child, wanted to come home to her rounded body growing with proof of our love every day. We still hadn't gotten past embracing one another, but I was a patient man and she was definitely worth waiting for.
"You gonna marry my girl, Cade Raines?" Dane asked suddenly, his azure eyes fixed on me in an unnerving way. Had I been a lesser man I would've balked at the stare, however I had never been a lesser man. And I had always wanted December as my own.
Meeting his gaze evenly, I placed my own drink down and took in a breath before responding.
"Wanted to when we were 18, time hasn't changed a thing, Mr. Dixon."
After a few tense moments of our stare down, an unguarded smile broke across his scarred face and he placed a heavy hand on my shoulder.
"Guess we'll be planning another wedding soon then, son."
And with everything in me, I prayed he was right.