14:17.
"yeah, it's all good. he's still here, yeah," roma was saying on the phone to mia, the sound of the shower running in a dull pattern in the background.
splinters of sun-lit shadows cast themselves in spiral and dotted patterns across the floor.
"did you both manage to have a proper talk about it, then?" mia asked over the receiver, somewhat tentative, being careful around the subject. roma could tell. the way it was.
"um, yeah...we did. it's all good now, i think. i hope," roma added the last part carefully, trying to hide the saddening tone in her voice. hard to pretend.
not sad, actually. but just completely unsure; instability.
ever since things had got back to normal, her mind had continued to wander. reality in motion. it was all happening all at once. despite baekhyun being here, at her actual home, things weren't going to stay in this state; tranquil, reposed, and untouched by the present matter at hand. neither of them had fully registered the obstacles of duration and distance. at least, she hadn't.
grip on the phone tightened.
"kai is leaving tomorrow."
roma's attention was diverted.
"really? how come?" she enquired, her tone more pinched, focused in. "leaving where?"
"he's going back to lyon. they still have their place, of course, for a little while longer. he told me he's going to find a place in london, though," she explained. her own voice wasn't shaky; in fact, it was very pleasant and reposed. blissfully unaware, almost.
"oh, really," was all roma could manage.
supposedly that meant baekhyun would be going back to lyon, too, she thought to herself. processing that information was complicated; didn't make any sense in her brain. but it did.
"yeah, so, i'll be seeing him, i guess," mia continued, pausing in between words.
roma could tell she was on her break at work, interrupting the sentence due to the drawn-out motion of a cigarette. stress of big-city life. the usual.
she gulped.
"yeah, um...i actually don't really know what baekhyun's plans are. we haven't really spoken about it," roma mumbled. "and, anyway, i'm leaving for university in less than a couple of weeks now, so..." she trailed off.
"true," mia agreed, coughing lightly. "guess it's hard to bring the subject up."
roma wanted to agree.
sound of soft footsteps.
just then, baekhyun's slim but muscular figure appeared in the doorway. towel wrapped loosely around his defined waist, hair dripping wet, down his bronzed skin, a darker and more beautiful colour in contrast to the white and bluish air that her bedroom held, a reflection of the milky complexion of the wavering sky outside.
an image burned into her ceaseless memory and imagination.
a small smile stretched across his lips; reassuring and sweet, eyes blinking back the moisture interfering with his vision, shaking his hair slightly. roma was wholly distracted. feet padded softly across the floor, towards the window. roma's eyes followed, smiling as best as she could and biting her lip a little. cast an almost insignificant shadow across the coloured floorboards.
"roma?"
mia's voice pierced through her ear.
"hmm? yes, sorry, what?" she muttered quickly, sitting up from her reclined and more vulnerable position. listening completely.
"he's not said anything about the fact that you're leaving?"
a pause to think.
"uhh, no, not really. it's not really been the main topic of conversation, i don't know..."
could tell that baekhyun was listening intently, as well, stood by the window, using a different towel to dry his mane of hair. made brief eye contact with her, dark eyes and a more serious expression. analysing the situation and conversation.
"anyway, i've got to go. speak to you later, yeah?"
needed that.
"yeah, girl, see you. got to get back to work now as well," mia responded, getting the hint.
"yeah, okay. bye, love you," roma said.
"love you."
roma put her phone down slowly, drawn to baekhyun's slow and mesmerising movements.
problems filtered away into the indigo and violet oblivion of the hazed afternoon; momentarily, gone away.
his body was so perfect, her breath got stuck in her throat. everything about him, almost wiped clear her mind of all worries and uncomfortable thoughts. a slight crack in the sky, and a sliver of sunlight slipped through the thicket of clouds, beaming through the glass and travelling down the sharp extent of his features, across his shoulders, collar bones, and down his chiselled chest.
took in another deep breath.
as usual, she felt incomparable. dressed in some old, grey shorts and a big, baggy jumper that in no way fit her, draped across her small frame, hair hanging loosely around her face. big, curious eyes weighed down with exhaustion and lack of sleep. limp limbs and pale features.
but baekhyun smiled at her in a way that made none of that matter at all. wiped it blank from her mind.
"everything alright?" he asked softly.
in the grand scheme of things, roma tried to convince herself that, yeah, everything was fine. was going to be okay. the past seemed a dim but important reminder of the capabilities and dangers within baekhyun and his illuminating presence. the sun didn't help right now. it sparkled at the edges of her vision, distracting her.
"y-yeah," roma responded in an equal manner, fidgeting slightly on the spot. "yeah, it's fine. i'm just thinking, that's all."
vague answer.
baekhyun rid himself of the towel, pulling on his boxers. roma stared. the action was swift and smooth, and took the breath from her chest. blushing; averted her gaze. perhaps baekhyun didn't even notice.
couldn't believe she still had this feeling in her chest.
"what are you thinking about?" he said, in the same deep tone, stood up.
she looked up at him.
his expression was purely radiant; beaming at her, eyes glinting and reflecting from the transparent light that shone across the sky, seeping in through the window into her room. thick lashes rimmed his glittering orbs. couldn't concentrate properly.
"a lot of things," she sighed, a saddened smile spreading across her lips, as he stepped forward. only in his jeans and nothing else, wet hair messy and dripping.
both of his hands came down to either side of her head, fingers softly playing with her hair, running his hands over her face. she zeroed in on his actions intently, never leaving his eyes. his finger trailed a line across her pink lips.
"there's nothing to worry about, though," he said assuredly, letting go of her.
but perhaps that wasn't entirely true. maybe she even knew it wasn't.
roma always worried; had practically been her default state before. everything had always been over-thought, a problem, an obstacle that she would have had to overcome. and that was one of the beauties about baekhyun: he allowed her to release these negative energies, to be herself, to not always conjure up all of these consequences in her mind.
there was a period of time during the summer when her mind had been merely consumed by nothing but sunshine and cheap wine and baekhyun's hand in hers. but sometimes, that can't always be the reality. roma knew that all too well. reality was much harsher; consisted of hurt and confusion, and grey colours contaminating the sky, and inexplicable, toxic thoughts. but, you just had to get through it.
she knew that she could. had that within her.
as she thought this, a shining spark of light flashed through the coloured reflections from the glass window. baekhyun's stare was focused in on her, evenly matching her breathing, chest rising slightly, an inkling of confusion inundating the maroon shade of his beautiful eyes.
he bent down, eyes locked to hers. bare skin and the shadows of light dancing across the golden exposure.
"really, roma. don't worry. please," his soft, gravelly voice enunciated.
his hand took hold of hers.
roma fidgeted beneath his vision, blinking back the emotion that had seemed to suddenly take over her being. eyelashes fluttered. her hand half-heartedly held his back, unable to do anything else.
"what's bothering you?" he asked, edging closer in his kneeling position, the gentle, delicate urgency in his tone drawing her attention away from the blank space she'd been staring at on the wall.
she breathed in silently; deeply, attempting to steady herself.
"i just--i don't, i mean, i don't know what's going to happen...after this."
brown eyes were glowing, shining with care and worry for her.
"what do you mean?" he asked again, pausing, waiting for her answer. "roma, nothing bad is going to happen to you."
she knew that. lips pursed. thinking hard.
"well, but what about to you? i don't want anything bad to happen to you."
her tone was slightly raised, a little more desperate, wanting to get her point across in a way that would ensure he understood the hidden meanings.
baekhyun's mouth opened and closed, as she could tell he was thinking, hard, for a response that would reassure her completely. even though he didn't have to do that for her. but roma knew that he would.
"and you have to go back, anyway," she added quietly to the end of her sentence, looking down, playing with the hem of her old shirt.
heartbeats.
uncomfortable silence.
baekhyun was thinking; could almost hear the cogs whirring, brain hurtling, the nerves connecting.
"this isn't...over, if that's what you mean," baekhyun explained slowly. hair was still slightly dripping; his hand reached forward for hers again, squeezing harder.
for some odd reason, roma retracted her grip. she didn't want hurt; that's all that was coursing through her muddled mind.
"do you want it to be?"
the question pierced the thick tension of the room; the sun rays splintered across the mess of clothes and books and the haphazard furniture, diagonally dancing across the blank hues, creating a dimmer shadow that contrasted, rested within the corners. roma's breath caught in her throat. eyes travelled against the dazzling light.
baekhyun edged in his position.
stared deeply at her. reaching through to the stars and constellations of her mind.
"no," she let out quietly.
she could feel baekhyun relaxing, breath being let out deeply, taking control again.
long lapse of sunshine and silence.
"it's going to be okay," he said, and perhaps he thought that was futile, but roma knew that he was trying his hardest to promise her something that he couldn't necessarily keep.
positivity was all that was needed.
roma tried to nod, still avoiding his gaze, knowing that it would break her concentration.
hand on hers.
"i know i always say this, but...i have to sort some stuff out, but, then, after that...it's going to all be okay. and i'll come to london, and nothing bad will happen."
baekhyun sounded so sincere, looking at her like that, in that way, that made her heart warm and her eyes sting and her head spin with all of the imaginary situations her mind liked to conjure up.
sparkling eyes, with golden flickers of endless sunshine sparkling across his darkened pupils, framed with thick lashes, staring at her as if the whole world meant it.
"i'm sorry, i..."
"why are you sorry?" he demanded, shifting again.
roma gulped down the lump in her throat.
"for...for always over-thinking, and making you feel bad, i..."
"hey, stop," he was saying, as he pulled her up into a hug, wrapping his arms tightly around the small of her back. "roma, what's up? where's all this coming from?"
she hated that her eyes were stinging, threatening her fragile state, as she let herself be caught up in him. he pushed the hair away from her face. really, didn't why she had to be this way.
"i'm just sorry," she whispered.
the sun slanted, spanning further, glowing a fluorescent and bright amber.
"you have nothing to be sorry to me for," he said slowly, saying it like he truly meant it.
strong arms.
peripheral vision; curious and emotional orbs observed, by the window, as one of baekhyun's arms elevated, palm of his hand facing the shimmering sea of sky. spread his fingers, as if they were wings. the sun scattered its illumination; filling random spots, clouding over, too bright.
and then he stopped it: made it comfortable again. let the sun cower behind the clouds. didn't bother her anymore. she clung to him tighter, burying her head into his chest.
"everything will be okay," he repeated, soft and deep, into her ear.
and she had to believe him.
did, believe him.
roma didn't want to let go of him.
but, in the end, they had to. for the time being; that was all.
baekhyun smiled at her one last time, and got dressed, pulling on the lasting pairs of clothes that belonged to him. roma watched him carefully, a warm and tranquil sensation inundating her every sense. just by looking at him.
how could it be this way?
around the top of her bed, she'd spread out her big books, preparing for university. large, old white pages, crumpled at the corners and edges; used. a mess of black words aligned across the paper. she glanced at them, and felt that uneasy feeling dissipate.
life cannot stay in that transcendental form forever; the sun cannot shine continuously with no purpose, like that. bright yellow and brilliant, but it wasn't just about him. it was about her, too. roma tried to engrain that into her brain: the importance of valuing herself.
love was like that, too. overwhelming and taking control of every inch of her reachable nerves and fibres; even, perhaps, claiming her sanity at some points.
baekhyun held his arms out, stretched forward, for her. signalled for her to get up from her slouched position.
she did so, slipping easily into his warm embrace.
kissed the top of her head. she rested it against the extent of his shoulder.
"i love you," she whispered. barely and delicately, into his t-shirt.
sunshine filled the pause of silence. brief but completely comfortable.
"and you," he returned, into the shell of her ear.
it's going to be okay.
the clouds still hung in the expanse of sky, but the sun would always be there, shining brighter and brighter. truly, it was going to be okay.
roma believed that.
//