I stare at my friends as we sit at the dinner table. I still haven't told them how I spent my night yesterday. I've been with them all day, silently struggling to wrap my head around what happened. I could barely focus on the homework I was supposed to be doing. "Guys," I start and Mel looks up at me from her plate. Gen shoves one more chicken nugget in her mouth before giving me her full attention. "I kissed Cam."
Silence ensues.
"Well, he kissed me. But it was mutual. We kissed each other."
More silence.
"I don't know what it means. It was just practice. Well, he was helping me practice. But it was good."
Even more silence.
"Are you guys going to say anything?" Their gazes bounce from me back to each other.
"Dude, you're so whipped," Gen announces and my jaw drops in shock.
"How the hell am I whipped?" I am most definitely not whipped.
"You just felt the need to tell us that you kissed Cameron." She swings around her spoon like a wild woman. "You sleep with whoever, whenever, and you feel the need to start telling us who you lock lips with."
"B-Because it's Cam!" I feel the need to add: "and I never kiss people!"
"So?" Gen taunts with raised brows. "Unless, of course...you like him." The corners of her lips pull upwards with a devious intent.
"No!" I have a feeling that I'm not telling the truth and they probably do, too. But I can't confess to them just yet. They'd probably try to force me into a relationship with him and I don't even know if I want that.
Gen cups her ear, "sounds like a lie," she squints at my face, "looks like a lie," she breathes in deeply, "smells like a lie," she nods in confirmation, "so it must be a lie."
"You know it's normal to like people, Fee," Mel reminds me with a small but hopeful smile. I quickly shift my head from left to right a few times.
"I don't like him!"
"Not even a little bit?" Mel practically presses her fingers together to estimate a tiny amount. I wrinkle my nose and assess the barely visible gap between her fingers.
"No." I'm almost positive the heat on my cheeks means that my face is bright red. If that doesn't give me away, then I don't know what will. But I'm not saying the words because then that'll make it real.
Gen and Mel look at each other before Mel grins widely. "So...are you going to go on that date with him?"
"No!" I look pointedly between the two of them. "And you guys can't say anything. You can't tell Ashton and you can't tell Axel."
"Say anything about what?" Gen tilts her head. "I mean, you never said you liked him. What's there to tell?" Mel gives a fervent nod in agreement and I feel slight relief.
"Soooo...are you going to tell him?" Mel wonders after a few seconds of me just staring at them threateningly.
"What the hell? No, Mel, I'm not." I shake my head and contort my face to one of confusion. "What a stupid question."
"Here's a good question: are you coming tonight?" Gen decides to change the topic but I furrow my eyebrows at her. She waits a few seconds before continuing. "You know, rollerskating?"
"I was never invited to that." My gaze bounces between the two girls. I wait for one of them to snap their fingers and mumble about how they forget to mention it but it doesn't happen.
"We only planned it yesterday. It's another triple date." Mel looks to Gen before glancing back at me. "Cam was supposed to tell you last night."
"Oh..." Well, this is awkward. "I'll bring it up to him."
"So are you going to go?" I offer her a shrug. I wonder why he didn't tell me. Maybe he doesn't like rollerskating.
"Maybe...unless Cam doesn't want to go."
I wait until the meal is done to reach out to him about the date tonight. I was going to text him then and there but figured I'd rather hear his voice. Maybe Gen and Mel are right; I am whipped. I slip into my room, pull up his contact, and press call. It takes two rings for him to answer.
"Flizzy," he greets cheerfully and I stare at the ceiling from my stretched out position on my bed.
"Hi, Cam." He reminds me of a puppy and I like puppies.
"How's your day?" I purse my lips at his question.
"It's good..." I decide to just cut to the chase. "But I was recently informed about roller skating."
"Yes." I wait to hear him slap his forehead and apologize for forgetting to ask me.
"Were you just not going to tell me?" I furrow my eyebrows in confusion. "Do you not want to go? Or do you not want me to go?"
"I didn't want to spring it on you last night after...you know..." he trails awkwardly, "I kind of expected you never to talk to me again, if we're being honest."
I frown up at the white, flat surface. "Why would you think that?" He clears his throat a bit. I wait for his response and feel my stomach churn at the possible answers.
"Well, because you didn't text me back today. And I'm pretty sure I gave you the bluest balls of your life," he announces the latter in a slightly amused voice.
"Both of those are true," I conclude, "but it was just a kiss, Cam. Why wouldn't I reach out?"
He sighs and I can tell he's shaking his head. "Nothing, forget I mentioned it," he insists dismissively. That's going to be hard to do. "Anyway, do you want to go rollerskating?"
"Yeah." I nod even though he can't see me. I actually would prefer to do something else but no other offer was put on the table. Besides, I made a big enough deal about making these plans.
"Okay, then I'll see you in a few hours." He then bids me adieu.
My friends urge me to hurry up and get ready, so I do. As soon as I'm dressed, my phone rings and I half-expect it to be Cam with a stupid question, like what am I going to wear and would it be doing too much if we matched. Instead, I find that it's my older sister Nola.
"Hey." I put the phone on speaker and start braiding my hair out of my face.
"What are you doing?" my sister wonders and I can tell this is just a call to check in on me. She's also probably bored with nothing better to do than bother her younger sister.
"Getting ready to go out," I inform her as I tie off one of my braids. I get started on the other and I hear her shuffling around.
"It's 7 o'clock," my sister's voice fills my room, "and it's Sunday. Where are you going?"
I let out a slow breath. I haven't really told my sisters about Cam, mostly in fear that they'll attack me in the same way Mel did. Nola is the only one that really knows the way I live when I'm away at school in regards to dating, so I can confirm that she'll definitely harass me and tell me not to hurt him. Before I can come up with a lie, she starts questioning me.
"Fee? Fliz? Where are you going?" I should've just lied and said out to dinner with the girls.
"I, uh, have a date," I confess awkwardly. She would have found out about him eventually. Besides I need someone to give me genuine advice after last night. My friends just laughed at me when I told them earlier. Maybe she'll have something useful to add to the conversation.
"A date?" my sister asks in disbelief. "Like, a real one?"
"A triple date," I tell her, "but my date is a guy I've been hanging out with a lot recently." I use the term 'hanging out with' loosely. I nearly said 'seeing' but that would make things too official.
"What's his name?" she presses eagerly. "Do you like him?"
"Cameron," I answer her first question, leaving the second question up for grabs.
"You like him?" she gasps in shock.
"I didn't say that," I mutter as I gather my makeup from my drawer.
"You didn't say 'no,'" she acknowledges. "How long have you been hanging out with him?"
"About two months..." I trail and I hear her gasp in surprise.
"And you didn't tell me?" she mumbles sadly. "What? Was he a friends with benefits who turned out to be cool?"
"Nope," I answer, "I saw him at a party and talked to him. And then he wouldn't leave me alone so I gave him the time of day and...well...I'm going out with him tonight. I kissed him for the first time yesterday."
"Wait, you haven't even slept with him yet?" my sister questions and I scoff. If only she knew. She lets out a howl of laughter, which catches me off guard. I glance at my phone as I put on another layer of mascara.
"I know, I know. Mel and Gen already got on me about it. I'm whipped," I relay to her as I fan my eyes.
"Well, what does he look like?" she wonders and rather than giving her a description, I decide to provide her with evidence.
"I'll send you a picture," I assure her as I go to the first social media platform my finger finds. After screenshotting and sending one of his better photos to my sister, I return my phone to its original position and wait for her to reply.
"Daaaamn," she whispers in a low voice, which gets a satisfied chuckle from me.
"I know," I conclude in a somewhat proud manner, "he looks even better in person."
"Is he an asshole or something?" she asks me curiously.
"No," I reply immediately. "He's really nice, actually. It's weird, to be honest; he's smart, nice, funny- everything good in a guy. And he wants me, which is even weirder."
My sister and I continue to talk about Cam and soon enough, just like I expected, she's urging me to get with him and drop Rex and Danny immediately. She continues to talk my ear off about how nice Cam seems until Gen pounds on my door, letting me know that our dates have arrived. After promising to fill her in later, I manage to get off the phone with Nola. I rush out of the room and chase after Mel and Gen, who are all prepped for the night out. I lock the door behind us and start down the steps with my stomach in a ball of nerves for some odd reason. Perhaps it's because my sister basically told me to make things official with Cam tonight. Even though that definitely isn't happening, I wish the idea wasn't looming in the back of my mind.
I stop in surprise when I find Cam's car idling behind Axel's. I turn to ask Mel and Gen if this was apart of the plan but I find that they're already climbing in the truck beside their dates. Mumbling to myself about how helpful they are, I walk over to Cam's four door and get in with a curious look on my face. The second my eyes land on him, I'm catapulted back to last night and I immediately turn my attention to the difficult task of getting my seatbelt into the buckle. It proves difficult with the way my sweaty hands are fumbling and how I'm trying to rid my brain of the intrusive thoughts.
"You look nice," he compliments me and I give him a fleeting glance in the form of a 'thank you' before letting out a sigh, which comes out shaky.
"Why the separate cars?" I question him as he pulls off behind the big truck.
"I didn't want to be crammed in that backseat again," he explains before glancing at me curiously.
"This seems oddly date-like," I start in an attempt to fall into our normal style of conversation- vaguely flirtatious but also teasing.
His smirk is unwavering as he adjusts himself in his seat. "Well that wasn't my intention at all," he assures me in a sarcastic tone. "I just wanted to make sure we were both comfortable with enough leg room."
I give a slow nod. "Sure," I roll my eyes at him and hide my smile as I look out the window.
"Do you want it to be a date?" he questions and I give a quick shake of my head.
"Nope," I answer with a matching grin.
"That's what I figured," he confirms. We drive for ten minutes before we hit a long line of traffic. He lets out a loud sigh, which effectively grabs my attention. "Okay, look."
I turn to him with a raised brow. "Yes?" I press, noting the look of pure concern and worry on his face.
"I'm terrified of roller skating," he confesses and I give him a slow, amused nod. Ah, so that explains things.
"We can do something else," I assure him and he lets out a relieved sigh.
"I was so scared," he informs me and I let out an entertained chuckle.
"Is that why you didn't bring it up?" I ponder with a raised brow.
"Partially," he responds, "my plan was to just ask you to do something else today but you didn't text me back."
"Hey!" I retort in response to his jab. He holds his hands up defensively before glancing at Axel's unmoving vehicle in front of us.
"So...what do you want to do instead?" I wonder as I try to think of some ideas.
"It's up to you," he insists and I shrug weakly.
"I don't know," I announce after a minute of more thinking. "We can just sit somewhere and hang out."
"Okay..." he trails and, judging by the turn he takes, I assume he knows somewhere to go. We sit in silence for the rest of the ride, which turns out to be surprisingly short. He comes to a stop at the boardwalk, a place I spent a lot of time in my freshman year. This is where they set up the town fair when it comes, but any other time, its pretty desolate and makes for a great place to hook up with people. He parks the car and we get out and start down the familiar wooden walkway. We reach the end and he drops down and rests his hands on the floor behind him in a laid back position. I join him with crossed legs and eyes locked up on the sky, which is colored orange and pink.
"So..." I trail as I keep my eyes on the setting sun in the distance.
He chuckles loudly as he turns his attention to me. "So," he prompts a conversation. I wait for him to say something worthwhile but he only assesses my expectant expression. "On a scale of one to ten, how good of a kisser am I?"
I roll my eyes as hard as I can and give him a quick shake of my head. "I'm not answering that," I conclude as I return my gaze to the sky.
"Why not?" he wonders with an entertained laugh. "It's a legitimate question."
"I don't know," I answer after a few seconds of me squinting in thought.
"What? Do you need another example?" he prompts with raised brows and I feel my face redden almost immediately.
"No," I quickly deny his proposition, "I just haven't kissed enough people to know what's considered good and what's not."
"I'd say that you're a..." cue him scrutinizing my face, "seven."
"A seven?" I ask with raised brows. I'm taken aback. It's not a bad number but its lower than what I'd like to be.
He laughs at my surprises and struggles to raise his shoulders. "Yeah," he confirms with another sure nod. "A seven."
"What'd I do wrong?" I question as I try to think of my technique. I didn't exactly have one.
"Nothing really. You just need...more practice," he explains before letting out a loud laugh. "That probably sounds really bad on my part, but you have the potential to be great."
With narrowed eyes and pursed lips, I mentally assess his skills. If I'm being honest, he was probably a solid ten. From what I could tell, his ratios of tongue were decent and he did the job he was supposed to do, which was to get me riled up. "You were probably a seven, too," I lie and he barks another laugh.
"Are you just saying that because I gave you a seven?" he wonders and I pointedly look away with my arms tied tight across my chest.
"No," I lie once more. He seems amused by this as I watch him nod out of my peripheral.
"I guess I just need more practice, too," he concludes glumly, which gets a scoff from me.
"I'm not kissing you again," I concur without so much as a second thought. Of course I want to kiss him but it's not wise to do it again; yesterday, I was ready to sleep with him in just the first 36 seconds. The last thing I need is to experience that emotion again.
"That's fine," he concurs with that same entertained smile. "I can wait."
The way he says it clearly has a double meaning, which causes my head to snap back in his direction. Is he hinting at my struggle with taking things slow? He grins at me so wide that his eyes are substantially smaller, but I watch as the brown circles search my face in a completely merry manner. "Hey," I hiss and he nibbles at his lip while fighting back another laugh.
"Hey," he replies in a much less threatening way. I want to swear at how attractive he is. He doesn't even have to try.
"I am more than capable of waiting," I inform him and he shakes his head slowly.
"I never said you weren't," he promises me, which only causes my gaze to narrow more.
"You insinuated it," I retort and he tilts his head.
"I don't recall," he denies once again, which gets a low groan from me.
"I'll just show you then," I announce; "I'm not going to kiss you."
"That's fine with me," he nods, which only makes me huff in growing frustration. He seems to understand the effect he's having on me because he can only grin wider and watch me struggle to think of the next thing to say.
"Anyway," I press after rolling my eyes. I manage to change the conversation and get him talking, which draws my attention completely. He talks so excitedly about the topic that it gets me excited, which only fuels him more. I eventually find myself tuning out of what he's saying and tuning in to his face, which is more than admirable, especially in this lighting.
I watch the way his lips move as he zooms through his sentences to get to the point of the story he's telling. He backtracks to add in a small fact while motioning vaguely with his hands. Quickly, he brushes through his curls, which part and twist with the tug from his fingers. His eyes bounce back and forth between both of mine before occasionally dropping down to my mouth.
As I continue to stare into his eyes, I feel my stomach tense as I think about how much I like to be around him. It's scary almost because I've never enjoyed a person's presence so much. I actually look forward to spending time with him, even though we do pretty much nothing when we're together. All we do is talk, which somehow feels like more than enough. But for some reason, even after spending copious amounts of time with him, I can't help but wait for the next time I see him.
I don't know much about crushes other than what others have described it as. I've only ever had weak middle school crushes on boys that never showed much interest back. In high school, I was too worried about real life issues like my dad and getting into college that I couldn't even waste a second thinking about boys or girls that didn't matter. From the things I've heard and also read about online, I think I like him. Hell, I know I like him. From the light feeling in my chest that grows whenever I'm around him to the flutter in my stomach when I see him, I know I like him and its scary as hell.
I know I shouldn't like him. He's a good person. I don't have a doubt about that fact. I also don't doubt that he's definitely too good for me. I don't deserve him. Anyone with eyes can see it and I'm not even the kind of person to create leagues for people, but I said it once and I'll say it again; he's out of my league in more ways than one. He deserves a girl that's just as open and dedicated as he is, not a girl like me. I can barely compute emotional feelings like a regular person, never mind provide him with the fulfilling relationship he craves. He deserves so much better than me and the weak love I'd be able to give him, if any at all.
I think I need to put distance between us. He's open about what he wants meanwhile I don't even know what I want. I'm a mess. And I hate to admit it but I'm probably going to break his heart if I let this continue the way it's going. I don't want to see him hurt, especially not because of me. I swallow hard and contemplate telling him that maybe we should take some time apart. Maybe I'll give the excuse that I need some time to figure things out. I need to tell him and I need to tell him soon, before I really hurt him.
"Are you okay?' he blurts, tearing me from my mind.
"Huh?" I ask as I slowly turn to face him.
"You just got really upset," he explains with a concerned expression written across his face. I want to sigh. Of course he'd notice it.
"No, I'm fine. I was just thinking..." I dismiss with a shake of my head.
"About how you're not going to be able to kiss me until you swallow your pride?" he proposes with an evil grin. I consider blurting out the thoughts I was having but decide against it. I should take some time to gather them before saying anything to him. I should just enjoy this last time we hang out and let the thoughts of distancing myself loom in the back of my mind.
Putting on my strongest smirk, I roll my eyes at him. "I guess you'll be waiting a while."