Letting go is hard. Ang hirap matanggap na ang lalaking mahal na mahal ka dati ay may mahal ng iba. Masakit na kahit anong gawin mo ay wala na. Hindi na masasalba ang relasyon nyo.
"Camille, what happened?" My mom asked. Tulala lang ako sa puting ceiling.
Remembering how he told me that he needed a break brought tears to my eyes again. Pinigilan kong pumikit dahil alam kong babagsak ang luha ko.
Alam ko. Alam ko namang may nagbago. Hindi ko lang alam kung bakit. Did I do something wrong? Is there someone new? I don't know.
"Camille." My mom called me again.
Umiling ako.
"Don't tell me there's nothing wrong when you're in this room." Masuyong sabi nya. She sat beside me. "Hindi ka ba kumakain? My God Camille! You look so thin! Is it Lawrence?"
Gusto kong umiyak. But I don't want my mom see me cry.
"Ano bang nangyari?" My mom asked, I didn't answer, I just kept on shaking my head. Before she could ask again, Lawrence came into the room. Panting.
"Camille..." He said. He's still panting. And he's drenched. Malakas ang ulan sa labas. Nakikiramay sa nararamdaman ko.
"What did you do to my daughter, Lawrence?!" Mabilis na tumayo si Mommy at sinalubong siya. Yumuko siya. Hindi sumigaw si Mommy but I know she's mad. She likes Lawrence a lot. We've known each other since we were kids, and my mom practically treats him like her own. Kaya masayang masya sila nang nalaman nilang kami na three years ago.
"Tita, Im sorry. I didn't know-"
Hindi nya alam na ganito ang mangyayari cause he asked for a break? A space? Pinutol ko na siya bago pa nya dagdagan ang sasabihin nya. "Mom, its not his fault." Tinitigan ako ni Mommy. "I swear."
I know she didn't believe me but let it go instead. "Can you please leave us for a while?" She sighed and left us after she kissed and embraced me and also after she reminded him to take care of me.
We were silent for a couple of minutes. Nakatayo lang siya sa malayo. He didn't even look at me.
"B-babe." Nanginginig kong tawag ko sakanya. He didn't move. He was just standing there. Dun na ko tuluyang umiyak. Ung malalakas na hikbi. Ung tipong mawawalan na ko ng hininga.
Mabilis siyang lumapit sakin at saka ako niyakap.
"Im sorry. Im really sorry. I really didn't mean to, Camille." Bulong nya habang yakap yakap ako.
Im sorry too. Im too weak to let you go, Lawrence. I may be selfish but I just cant let you go. After ko mahospitalize because of fatigue and stress, Lawrence didn't ask me to break up with him. He has been a really nice boyfriend again. He's always with me. Parang ayaw nyang nawawala ako sa paningin nya. He reminds me to eat on time and do all the things I have to do. Kahit late na matapos and dance practice ko ay sinusundo nya pa rin ako. Malapit lang naman ang condo ko sa school pero ang laging dahilan nya ay malapit rin ang bahay nya sa school but he still need to drive, eh pwede ko lang lakarin ang condo ko.
He has been extra sweet and caring after that. I nearly killed myself. Sinong hindi matatakot? I know Im being selfish. Knowing Lawrence, I know he's going to be guilty and blame his self of what has happened to me. And if it's the only way to keep him, I'd do it over and over again.
Sumipol si Migs nang makita nya ang pinsan ni Bryle bumaba ng kotse nito. Matagal na nila siyang pinaguusapan magmula nung birthday ni Bryle. Pasukan palang ay siya na ang pinaguusapan nila. She was the hot topic for a month! Except kung naroon si Bryle. And seeing her right now, grabe! Ive never been insecure with someone but because of her, I am kinda insecure right now.
"Hi! You're so pretty!" Hindi ko mapigilang sabihin. Cause she really is. "Tama nga ang sabi nila Hanna." Kumunot ang noo nya dahil sa sinabi ko. "That you're a threat."
"Threat?"
"Oo. Ang ganda mo kasi, to the point na nasayo na attention ng boyfriend nila. Tapos ikaw pa topic nila pagbalik nila ng school."
"Oh... I didn't know." She smiled. "You weren't on Bryle's party, right?"
"Oo. Buti loyal tong boyfriend ko eh." Ngumiti ako at hinawakan ang kamay ni Lawrence. I am just really happy he is mine. Kahit sobrang ganda ni Tiffany to the point na sobrang nakakainsecure na, I am happy to be me because I have Lawrence.
"U-uhm. I have to go na. Baka hinihintay na ko ng friends ko." She stuttered. "Nice meeting you Camille. You too, Rence... Bye."
"Isnt she nice?" I asked Rence ng makaalis si Tiffany.
"Huh?" He asked me. Magmula nang dumating si Tiffany ay tahimik na siya. I wonder why.
"Are you okay?" I asked him kasi namumutla siya.
"Yeah. Just tired." I nodded at saka nya ko hinila palabas.
Akala ko okay na kami. Akala ko mamahalin nya ko ulit. Akala ko lang pala.
Lawrence was so drunk! Hindi na siya makatayo ng maayos. Buhat buhat siya ni Migs at Gian habang papalabas kami ng bar. Bigla nalang nila ko sinundo kanina ni Gian, asking me kung nagaway ba kami. I don't have any idea what he was talking about.
Everything is still okay with us... pero may nagbago. Lumalamig na siya. Even if he still makes sure I am fine. He isn't that sweet anymore. Hindi na rin nya ko kinakausap masyado. I want to complain. Whenever I ask him whats wrong with him or are we cool, he says everything is fine. And I don't want to complain cause he's doing everything a girl could ask for.
Hinatid nila kami sa bahay ni Lawrence sa White Plains. Its already late at hindi gising ang katulong nila. Good thing at may susi siya.
I asked them to leave immediately nang mailagay na nila si Lawrence sa kama nya. He's muttering unintelligible stuff. Umiling nalang ako. I also don't want them to be stressed more. Ako na ang magaalaga sa boyfriend ko.
"I love you." He said habang pinupunasan ko ang mukha nya. Napangiti ako.
"I love you too."
"I just really love you Tiffany and I don't know what to fucking do anymore!" He uttered louder.
Nung una ay hindi ko maintindihana ng sinasabi but when his words sunk in, dun na tuluyang nawasak ang puso. Bakit hindi ko napansin? He was always uneasy whenever we see her. He was always texting someone. Someone told me na nakita nila ang sasakyan niya sa Manila but I didn't care, cause it never crossed my mind that he is seeing her. I had an idea he was cheating but not with her.
"I love you. I promise." He uttered again.
Nanghina ako at napaupo sa floor. Ako ung nandito Lawrence. Im the one taking care of you right now! Hindi siya. Ako! I've been with you all your life. You just met her last summer. I just cant understand! Why?!
Bakit sa babaeng pakiramdam ko ay wala akong kakayahang higitan. Bakit Lawrence?
"Why Lawrence?" Tanong ko sa gitna ng hikbi ko. He didn't answer.
I put on a brave face the next morning. No. I will not let her take you from me. I will fight for you. In the first place, you're mine. I will win you back, Lawrence.
I did everything to make him happy. Im even ready to do it with him. Im just so desperate to get him back but he declined.
"May iba na ba?" I asked. Im just drunk right now at hindi ko na mapigilan ang bunganga ko. "MAY IBA NA BA?" Sigaw ko sakanya.
"Camille, stop it. You're just drunk." He put his jacket on me. Hindi ko na alam kung san ko naitapon ang top ko. I literally threw myself on him pero wala pa rin. He cant even kiss me! And that's because of Tiffany.
"May iba na ba?" I asked again.Tumingin ako sa mata nya. Just tell me please. Tell me there's no one. Please tell me. Hindi na napigilan ang luha ko. Im just so weak.
"Shh." He hugged me. He sighed. "Wala. Wala, Camille."
"I love you." I uttered. It took him few seconds before to reply.
"I love you too."
I don't know whats with me that I invited Tiffany. We're not close. We really don't know each other. Im her cousin's friend. And she is my friend's cousin and probably my boyfriend's other girl. I wanna show her she cant destroy our relationship. We're strong. And our family supports us. I want to show her that I am the girl for Lawrence, not her.
"I love you." I uttered when we were dancing. I kissed him. I saw how hurt she was. I wanna show her that I can be proud that Lawrence is mine and I am the only girl for him.
Alam ko din na naiirita si Lawrence sa kasamang lalaki ni Tiffany and I am happy. This will destroy anything that is going on between them. Ive never been this bad but I will do anything to be with him.
"Saglit lang." He said pagkaalis ni Tiffany at Vincent.
"San ka pupunta?" I asked.
"May kukunin lang ako sa kotse." He answered immediately and kissed my cheeks. Ngumiti ang mga kaibigan ko sakin. Kinikilig talaga sila saamin ni Lawrence.
After a while, hindi na ko nakatiis at sinundan ko siya. Hindi na ko lumapit sa parking lot. Dito pa lang sa pinto ay kita ko na ang paglayo ng kotse na sinasakyan ni Tifanny. When I couldn't see the car anymore, nakita kong lumuhod si Lawrence. I can see his shoulder shaking.
I bit my lip and looked in the sky para mapigilan ang luha ko. Pero hindi ko pa rin nagawa.
"Do you love her that much?" I whispered. Hindi nya sinagot pero alam ko kung ano ang isasagot nya.
I tried to make up to him. I've been extra sweet. I've done everything to cheer him up. But nothing happened. Wala talaga. Naiiyak ako sa tuwing hindi nya ko pinapansin at saka palang nya ko papansinin kapag umiyak na ko. I know he doesn't love me anymore and he couldn't break up with me because of pity. At kahit un nalang ay tatanggapin ko wag nya lang akong iwan.
I was packing my clothes dahil uuwi na ko sa Batangas bukas –sabay kami ni Lawrence at ayoko siyang paghintaying dahil hindi pa ko tapos magayos ng gamit – when I heard my bell rang.
I opened my door and I saw a very intoxicated Lawrence. I closed my door and that's the time he looked at me. He's crying.
"Camille..." he slurred at yinakap ako. "Camille..."
"Lawrence, what happened?" I asked habang yakap yakap din siya.
"Camille..." Tuluyan na siyang humikbi. Nang dahil dun ay tuluyan na rin akong umiyak but I don't want him to hear me crying.
"Camille, Im sorry. Im really sorry." Binitawan nya ko at saka lumuhod. "Please pakawalan mo na ko. Please. Im begging you."
The guy I love – who used to love me dearly – is crying and kneeling in front of me because of the girl he loves. I dreamed of him kneeling in front of me asking a totally different question and saying yes to his proposal. Not this plea.
"Camille, please. Please. Break up with. Please." He continued saying.
Tumingin ako sa ceiling at kinagat ang labi para mapigilan ang hikbi ko.
"Please... Please... Set me free."
"I really love her so much and I don't know what to do anymore if Im gonna lose her."
"Why cant you say 'you' instead of 'her'? Ako ung nandito. Ako ung handang tumanggap sayo no matter what! Ako! Hindi siya! Why cant you love me back again?" I shouted at him.
"Im sorry." He plainly said. Nakayuko lang siya at kitang kita ko ang mga patak ng luha nya. "Im sorry. I really am."
Tinignan ko ulit ang note na sinulat ko. At saka ko nilagay sa bed-side table. He'll be up in a few. Lumabas ako ng condo and decided to stay there until he leaves.
I was silently crying while looking at our photos when I heard my door open. Even if I just saw his face for a split second, I saw how relieved and how happy he is.
Kung lumingon lang siya sa likod nya ay makikita nya ko but he didn't, he's just looking at one direction and that direction is towards her.