Oh my god, it's Tuesday morning. It's a Tuesday morning and I'm not at work. Instead, I'm huddled under the duvet, trying not to exacerbate the awful thumping behind my right eye, a paradiddle to the time of "||::What have you done? What have you done? What have you done?::||"
A quick survey of the bedroom-scape leads me to believe I ate SkinnyPop for 'dinner' and passed out in my underwear.
Vic has left a gracious note on the bedside table with a large, comical arrow pointing toward a big glass of water. It reads, "DRINK ME, ALICE. PS took the car and drove the kids to school. Marital conference when I get home."
Ugh.
***
By noon, I've pulled myself together. Well, I've showered. My hair is air drying and I'm wearing my weekend sweatpants.
The dog walker, who shows up at 11:30 on the dot every day because he loves his job (lucky bastard), was kind enough not to remark on my presence. And it should have been remarkable. I'm only ever home during a weekday if one of the kids is sick. And I mean really ill. A cold or fever is not considered grounds for needing to stay home in a dual-income household. Years of work taking priority over EVERYTHING has taught me that if you give a kid Tylenol right before you drop them at school, their fever will remain hidden until at least 3 pm. At which point, you can feign ignorance and surprise when the school calls to report that your kid is falling over and did you know about these spots all over their torso?!
Now, it's time to figure out exactly what we're dealing with.
Facts known at this time:
1. I handed in a resignation letter offering a generous amount of notice.
2. They took my letter and asked me to leave the office immediately.
3. They said they would be in touch with next steps.
Reviewing, I can admit those facts are somewhat scant. However, I also have a list of suspicions (as yet unconfirmed):
4. They will get in touch today, offering a raise in exchange for my reconsideration.
5. We'll agree to disregard this whole 'notice' thing and I will promise not to share my insider's story with the media (headline: Strung out CEO Sucks Remaining Life out of Doomed Department Store)
6. I will accept these terms and return to work because, now that I'm sitting on my bed with frizzing hair and an entire day stretching out before me, I realize how very, very bad I'm going to be at unemployment.
The truth is, I have a nasty swell of dread percolating in my core, which will only balloon until the email from HR shows up. I've been refreshing email on my phone since I was able to sit upright.
The important thing, I think firmly, is that you're going to be fine either way. You resigned. You'll find another job. Or you'll accept whatever they offer to keep you at NorthLodge.
You'll be fine.
You'll be fine.
... Okay, but tell you what, just to make ourselves feel better, we'll take a quick look at the bank balance and do up a little spreadsheet to figure out how long we'll be fine for. That will bring us comfort and a feeling of invincibility...
I dig my (technically NorthLodge's) laptop out of my bag, which is sitting in the front hall where I must have dropped it last night on my way to find popcorn. I sit down on the living room couch with it and sign in to my online banking.
Chequing Balance: $29,456
Okay, not terrible. I probably wouldn't have gone quite so crazy at the Nordstrom makeup counter last week if I'd foreseen a resignation, but overall, this is a respectable buffer with which to soften the certain financial doom of sudden unemployment.
BING!
A new red dot (1) has appeared on the email tab in my browser. I take in a cleansing breath and flip to that tab to see if it's from them. It is.
***
FROM: JOCELYN CARTER, VP PEOPLE & CULTURIFICATION
TO: ALICE MACKENZIE
SUBJECT: Your letter of resignation
Dear Alice, we wish to inform you that we have received and accept your letter of resignation. You kindly offered us four weeks' notice, but we feel it is better for the continuity of your team if you do not return to the office. We will pay you your full notice period, but your last day of employment with NorthLodge will be today.
We want to take this opportunity to thank you for your years of service and to remind you of our non-compete policies, which you agreed to when you joined our organization. Namely, that you may not accept permanent employment with any company we deem to be 'competitive' in our space for a period of one year. This includes all competitors (major or minor) in the retail space (physical or digital), internet companies (start-up or established) or any brand that manufactures, designs, or distributes similar product lines.
All the best with your future endeavours,
Jocelyn Carter