Monday morning, i rolled out of bed.
the entire weekend blurred in my mind like a dream. i probably wouldn't have believed that it had happened at all, if i didn't have the feeling of Eddie's tight grip on my wrists and heat of his lips on my jaw burned into my memory.
i was almost too nervous to confront Eddie again after what had happened the night before.
he apologized almost every time he pressed a kiss to my lips, and every time, i told him that it was okay.
obviously, i'd only just met him but god, my feelings for him were getting deeper and deeper every time i thought about him.
i knew i should've felt guilty about it, but it wasn't my marriage that was suffering, it was his. and as awful as that sounded, it still made me feel better to know that at that moment, i was what he wanted more than the problematic woman he married years ago.
what also worried me was his inability to get out of said marriage, because of his concern for his little girl. i'd never been in any totally serious relationships before, but the idea of only being there for him to use behind his wife's back made me feel a bit bad about myself.
it was also a bit scandalous, and intriguing.
after he'd kissed me multiple times, he told me that he had no idea when Willow would be home, so he'd walked me to my car and hugged me goodbye.
i was so worried that he'd make an appearance at the music store.
but, i went to work anyway. i really didn't have a choice.
i pushed open the front doors as the store was just beginning to open, and went to clock in.
"good morning," i said as i towards Mia. she turned to look at me, and her eyes went wide.
"uh..oh, hey," she said. she seemed tense, and she quickly looked away from my eyes.
"what's wrong?" i asked. she took a deep breath.
"don't freak out," she said. "have you seen the schedule for this week?"
i shook my head, furrowing my eyebrows in confusion. "no. why?"
"you should go look."
i quickly made my way to the back room where the schedule was posted every week. people like Mia and i, and other full-time employees had been working set schedules since we became fully trained in our departments - meaning, i usually worked the same schedule every week. so, Mia and i rarely had to check the schedule because we always knew our hours.
when i got to the information bulletin board, my blood began boiling.
Jen had taken my Friday away from me, and i was working Monday through Thursday, and had the next three days off.
i grabbed the doorknob of her office door, and yanked it open.
she looked up at me from her desk, and smirked.
"good morning, Katherine," she said.
"i need to talk to you about my schedule," i said bitterly.
she looked back down at the catalog she had open in front of her. "no."
"Jen," i said. "i've had the same schedule at this place for months now."
she nodded. "and now you don't."
"but why?"
she shrugged. "i'm in charge here," she said. "i reserve the right to switch up my employees' schedules every now and then."
"not full-time employees," i said, gritting my teeth. "at least, not without asking me."
"you had better watch your tone, Katherine," she said.
"i want to work the shows on Fridays," i said. she shook her head.
"not anymore," she said.
"why not?" i asked. "that's not fair. i can't have three days off."
"well," she said, glaring back up at me. "maybe you should've thought about that."
i was in shock after those words came out of her mouth.
"what the fuck did i do wrong?" i asked angrily.
Jen didn't make eye-contact with me. "i suggest you get to work before i have to send you home."
i was so furious that tears filled my eyes as i left the office.
i went and sat behind the counter in my department, and tried to even out my breathing.
Mia approached me, and rested her elbows on the glass of the display case in front of me.
"she threatened to send me home," i said.
"then you should've left," Mia said, propping her chin on her hands. "i'd take the day off if she offered."
i chuckled half-heartedly. "god," i said. "i can't afford it now that she's taken a day away from me."
"why do you think she did that?" Mia whispered. "do you think it's because of Mr. Vedder?"
"it's definitely because of him," i said. "i'm guessing his wife called Jen or something last night."
"wait, why last night?" Mia asked.
"fuck, i didn't tell you," i said, rubbing my forehead frustratedly. "he invited me over for -" i raised my hands to use air quotes - "'ukulele lessons.'"
"oh, bad, bad idea," Mia said. "i love Willow, but she's a bit crazy."
"she invited me to stay for dinner," i said, closing my eyes and pinching the bridge of my nose.
"oh, christ," Mia said. "that's just her being bitter."
"i know," i said. "and i can't believe i was petty enough to stay."
"me either," Mia said, laughing softly. "so, you just hung out with him and played his ukulele?"
my anxiety was rising.
"well, uh," i started. "no, i mean...Willow had to go in to work halfway through dinner, so i stayed while Eddie tucked Sophia in, because she seemed to take a liking to me."
"okay..." Mia said. "and?"
i huffed in annoyance, and closed my eyes, leaning as close to Mia as i could to prevent anyone else from possibly overhearing.
"god, and then he pinned me to the wall by my wrists and..." she gasped.
"he kissed you?!" she asked loudly, and i pressed my index finger to my lips, shushing her.
"you cannot tell anyone," i said. "please."
"i won't," she said. "but, holy shit, Kat, that's...that's heavy."
i nodded. "i know."
"well, if you can't work Friday," Mia said. "you should come watch the show."
"why?"
"because he's performing again," she said.
"he is?"
"mhmm," she nodded. "Jen showed me the lineup for this week. and you can come watch him, and look cute. and not have to worry about being on the clock."
Jen began making her rounds through the store, so Mia stood up quickly.
"i'm gonna go back to work now," she said, smirking at me. "don't let her bullshit attitude get to you. i know Mr. Vedder's old enough to be your dad but, honestly, i think y'all would make an adorable couple."
i shook my head, laughing as she walked away.
+++
Friday night, i decided on a plaid, t-shirt dress, with black tights and black boots.
it was dark when i headed out for the show, and my nerves were electric. i was terrified of how Jen was going to react when i showed up to watch rather than work, all by myself, and i was terrified to see Eddie, considering i hadn't heard from him since Sunday night.
i stood in line outside of the store with the rest of the crowd, and we slowly moved closer and closer to the building.
when i stepped in side, Mia grinned at me from the table in the foyer.
i stuffed my hands into the pockets of the jacket i had on over my dress, and smiled back at her bashfully.
"oh, my gosh, Kat," she said when i got up to the table. "you look so fucking cute. did you do your own makeup?"
"what, does it look awful?" i asked, worriedly. "i know it's more than i usually wear, but -"
"no, shut up," she said. "it looks really good. how does it feel to be here in actual clothes rather than your work clothes?"
i laughed, handing her my money and letting her stamp my hand to show that i'd paid.
"it feels ridiculous," i said. i took a deep breath. "is Jen in there?"
Mia nodded. "now, don't freak out, but...Willow and Sophia are here too."
my eyes went wide with panic. "you're joking."
"no," she said. "but, it's a bigger crowd tonight. i mean, you can probably avoid them."
i sighed, stepping past her to go in the doors behind the table.
i joined the crowd, waiting eagerly for the lights to dim so i could stop trying to hide my face.
"Katherine?" i heard a voice say, and i felt defeated.
i turned to see Willow and Jen standing beside one another, with a sleepy-looking Sophia in Willow's arms.
"what are you doing here?" Jen asked, crossing her arms over her chest.
"i came to watch," i said, trying not to sound as scared as i was. "i'm telling you, i never have plans on Friday nights. i'm always here."
"did you come to watch Eddie?" Willow asked, with a fake smile plastered on her face. it was intimidating, and threatening.
i shrugged. "i came to listen to all of the acts."
"specifically Eddie, though, right?" Willow asked.
"i'm just trying to get some ukulele tips, Mrs. Vedder," i said bitterly.
the lights went down and i faced the stage, hoping they'd do the same.
Eddie walked out onto the stage, and i clasped my hands under my chin, my heart pounding against my ribcage. he sat down, centerstage, behind the mic, and everyone cheered quietly for him.
he just smiled out into the crowd, and began gently playing his ukulele.
he spoke softly into the microphone, while still strumming.
"i actually just wrote this one," he said quietly. "so, bear with me."
"i'll grow when you grow,
let me loosen up the blindfold,
i'll fly when you cry,
lift us out of this landslide."
i kept my hands against my heart as he sang, unable to take my eyes off of him. the song was soft and beautiful, and a completely different tone than the one from the week before.
the song ended and everyone applauded, whistling and shouting out their love for his work.
"did he write that for you?" i overheard Jen ask Willow, and i cringed, being brought back into the harsh reality that he did, indeed, have a wife, and i had to stop pretending that i could selfishly believe that the song was for me.
"well, i'd sure hope so," Willow said. "he never tells me about the songs he's writing."
"it was beautiful," Jen said. she cleared her throat. "don't you think so, Katherine?"
i clenched my hands into fists and kept my back to her, and i promptly shoved my way through the crowd, walking as quickly as i could to the restroom.
i locked the door behind me and stared into the mirror, listening to the muffled music from the lobby. Eddie's voice echoed through the building, and though i couldn't make out the words he was singing, it still hurt my heart. i'd spent the whole week in a daze after he kissed me, and had myself believing that maybe he had feelings for me, rather than just the lust brought on by the lack of affection he got from his spouse.
it felt absurd, but my eyes stung, and i rubbed at them to try and prevent the tears from spilling out.
i felt vulnerable, stupid, and used.
i sat in the bathroom on the closed lid of the toilet until i heard Eddie say his thanks to the audience, and i left, walking to the table where Mia was still sitting.
"whoa, are you okay?" she asked. i nodded, pushing the front door open.
"yeah," i said. "this was a bad idea. but i'll see you Monday."
"Kat," she said, standing up. "at least let me drive you home, since you're so upset."
"no," i said. "i'm fine. i'll walk."
and i left, letting the door swing shut behind me.
+++
i walked the distance back to my apartment, which was about forty-five minutes.
i sniffled the entire time, not allowing myself to cry.
it felt like ages before i got to my building, and i stopped in my tracks halfway through the parking lot.
Eddie was standing on the sidewalk outside of the front entrance.
he noticed me as i got closer and closer to him, and he smiled at me.
"hi," i said, wiping the tears from my cheek with the back of my hand.
"hey," he said.
"how long have you been standing here?" i asked, my voice hoarse and broken.
"not very long," he said, sliding his hands into the pockets of his jacket. "why didn't you tell me you were coming tonight?"
"was i supposed to?" i asked.
"it would've been nice to know," he said. "so i could've at least said hi."
"but you followed me home anyway," i said, and he chuckled.
"yeah," he said. "because i didn't see you until you rushed out of the building."
"sorry," i said.
"are you okay?" he asked. "i mean, i did come to check on you. you looked upset."
i shrugged.
"did Willow say something to you?" he asked.
"no," i said. "and why do you care so much? why are you so worried about me?"
"because," he said. "i was afraid i did something to upset you."
i exhaled impatiently. "can i be honest?"
"of course," he said.
"i don't know what you want from me," i said, trying yet again not to cry. "because you kissed me, and it made me so happy. but then i didn't hear from you all week, and i wasn't allowed to work tonight because you were performing."
he was quiet.
"and obviously at this point, it has to be obvious that i like you," i said. "and it sucks because i feel so ignorant. and i've got two women twice my age threatening me because they think i'm going to ruin your marriage. but it's not my fault, it's really not. i can't help my feelings, and you can't do anything for me because you're married, and -"
he slid his arms around my waist and pulled me into a hug, holding me tightly against him.
i threw my arms around his neck, and cried into his shoulder.
he pressed a soft kiss to my forehead, and i held onto him.
"can we go inside?" he asked, and i nodded, letting him take my hand and walk me to my front door.
// if i had one wish it would be to be eddie vedder's side hoe.