Craig wasn't usually nervous about things. Well, that was a lie actually. Craig wasn't usually this nervous about things. That was the truth. Yes, though he tried to hide it, he got anxious every once in awhile (more so recently with everything that's been going on), but still. He didn't remember the last time he felt this sick to his stomach or the last time he had been dreading something so badly. His hands were clammy, as he pinched the envelopes in his hands, fingertips ghostly white from how tightly they were clamped onto the paper.
What if things go wrong?
"I don't think I can do this," Craig decided, his grip loosening and his hands dropping to his sides. Admitting defeat was one of his least favorite things because he hated the taste of patheticism it left in his mouth, but at this point, he didn't care. He just wanted to leave.
"Craig," Tweek stated, raising his eyebrows at him pointedly and crossing his arms over his chest. "Th-This needs to happ-happen."
"Tweek - really, it's fine," he tried to convince him. "Seriously, let's just go. We can go back to my house or something. I can try to help you suck less at video games - or - or we can take Stripe to the park... or..."
His insisting expression didn't waver, not even a little bit. He definitely showed no signs of budging any time soon. "Craig, I sp-spent all n-night encour-couraging you to carry on with th-this idea. I'm n-not let-letting you give up on it n-now."
And that was true, they both knew it. Craig had stayed over at Tweek's house until around 10 in the evening. The stay was supposed to be nice, considering he got to spend time with the blonde that he adored, but it was all very nerve-wracking for him. Ever since he confessed to Tweek that he wanted to start making his amends, Tweek wouldn't let that go. He figured that he wouldn't (since he always persisted on helping him), but half of him wished that they could forget about the whole thing.
Craig had felt almost-nauseously uneasy, when he had been feverishly slumped over in Tweek's desk chair with the end of the pencil rapidly drumming against the table. His eyes kept darting back and forth between the clock and the notebook paper in front of him. He had the list of people he needed to write to scratched out on the first page, and though he knew exactly what he needed to say, his brain was a completely jumbled mess.
Tweek had been quietly perched on the edge of his bed, watching Craig with keen hazel eyes. Everytime Craig showed signs of giving up (which included heavily sighing, muttering a variety of curse words under his breath, annoyedly shoving his black hair out of his eyes, or attempting to hop out of the chair and leave), Tweek would lean over and rest his chin on Craig's shoulder. Sometimes he would plant a kiss on his cheek, or other times (usually when Craig was exclaiming that he couldn't do it) he would slink up behind him and wrap his arms loosely around his neck with a hug from behind. He hadn't said a word, he didn't need to.
Still, Craig sighed. "Tweek, I really don't think I can - "
He was cut off by Tweek unexpectantly wrapping his arms around his neck like he had the night before and squeezing him into a hug. Craig let his shoulders relax, as his arms circled around Tweek's waist, trying not to press too hard against him and hurt his already fractured ribs.
He felt his heart rate momentarily slow down, as he closed his eyes and sank his chin into Tweek's tousled mop of hair. He didn't expect one simple action to fill him with a sense of peace, but then again, he usually felt that way around Tweek. The boy could always seem to put him at ease.
Tweek pulled away, still resting his hands steadily on Craig's shoulders. His hazel eyes met Craig's blue ones and he smiled reassuringly at him. He gave his shoulders a little squeeze for good measure before stepping back and leaning against the wall. "It - It'll be fine."
He believed him and, though his heart was racing and his throat felt like it was closing in on him, that belief pushed him forward. He sucked in a quick breath, adjusted the strap of his bag that hung off his shoulder, and he stepped towards the hallway with rows and rows of lockers lining around him.
With a glance down at the name on the first envelope, Craig slowly walked further down the hall, his hand trailing lightly against the metal boxes as he passed.
He stopped at the one that was decorated with different colored ribbons, colorful magnets, and Go Cows! stickers plastered on it. He folded the envelope marked with Bebe's name on it until it was small enough to slide through the slits in the cool-surfaced locker. When the note was half-way in, he hesitated, wondering if Tweek would notice if he quickly withdrew it, crumpled it up, and shoved it into his bag, but he knew that he likely wouldn't get away with it. So, instead, he pushed it all the way in and listened as it fell down to the bottom of the metal containment.
The next locker was just as easy to find, considering it belonged to someone who he talked to regularly. He stalked over to Token's locker and just like the last, he reluctantly slipped the letter in between the cracks. He could feel Tweek's eyes on him, but neither of them said a word.
The next letter was one of the more difficult ones to write, considering Craig still felt some amount of resentment towards him, but it needed to be done. Kenny's locker was more dented and rustier looking than the others, which seemed fitting for him. Craig vaguely wondered if Kenny still had cut-outs of busty Playboy models in skimpy outfits taped to the inside walls, just like he did back when they were friends. It always used to gross Craig out (which was probably one of the first indicators in his life that he was gay), but he wouldn't be too surprised if he still had them plastered up.
He pondered what Kenny might think when he saw the note laying at the bottom of his locker, as he stuffed it into the slot. He figured he'd be confused at first, maybe a little curious too, but hopefully he would read it and understand.
The next one was not only the hardest to write, but it was also the hardest locker to walk up to. Craig wondered how long it would be until Clyde came back to school. Maybe the letter would collect dust sitting in there until its owner came back to claim it. Maybe he would open it up, see it was from Craig, and throw it straight into the trash can without a second thought.
Craig almost didn't even bother sliding it through the vent, but with a glance over his shoulder and seeing the encouraging crooked smile on his boyfriend's face, he hurriedly slipped the paper in without a second thought until it disappeared behind the door.
He heard footsteps stop behind him and his arm froze for a moment, before he quickly retracted it and whirled around to see who had approached him.
Wendy Testaburger raised an eyebrow up at Craig, a suspicious expression etched across her face. "Craig, what're you doing?"
"Wendy," was all he said, "what're you still doing here? School ended awhile ago."
He already knew the answer to that, considering beads of sweat and a tinted red color was glazed over her face and a green South Park Cows uniform was clinging onto her small frame.
"Volleyball practice," she said matter-of-factly, brushing stray strands of black hair out of her face that hadn't been combed back into the tight ponytail with the rest. She repeated, "What're you doing?"
Craig blinked, a million excuses scattering his brain, when she suddenly turned to Tweek who was beginning to walk towards them to offer an explanation.
A polite expression stretched across Wendy's face and she nodded towards him. "Hi, Tweek. Glad you're back at school."
"Ergh - th-thanks, Wendy," he squeaked back.
Craig could see her eyes falter for a moment, as they glanced down to notice the limp in his step, but they returned back to his flustered-looking face. She smiled. "No problem. I'm sorry to hear what happened. I hope they catch the bastard that mugged you."
Craig noticed Tweek beginning to squirm uncomfortably, so he interjected with, "Yeah, we do too."
Her focus darted back to Craig, but she was quiet for a moment. He figured she had decided to not press any further questions on him because all she said was, "Well, I should probably head back to the locker room."
"Wendy - wait," blurted Craig, leaving her pausing in her tracks.
She snapped her head back to look at him with a questioning look on her face, the black ponytail swaying and flipping over her shoulder as she did so.
He paused for a moment, before looking down at the last couple of envelopes in his hand. He turned over the top one to see her name scribbled onto the front of it in bold letters. He stepped forward and outstretched his arm towards her.
Wendy gave him a dubious look, but she reached out and accepted the envelope from him. She stared down at her name for a moment and then snapped her head back up to look at him. They locked eyes and she nodded like she understood.
Without saying another word, Wendy turned on her heel and began walking into the opposite direction towards the gym. Craig watched as she left and noticed that her head was bowed the entire time, her arm folded up in front of her with her gaze left on the letter in her hands.
"Hey," he heard Tweek's voice say softly from over his shoulder. He felt his warm presence behind him, fingertips lightly brushing over his shoulder. "I-I'm proud of y-you, you know."
Craig could feel a smile extending over his face, until he realized that he was still tenderly holding onto the last envelope. Tentatively, he turned around and silently held out the last letter towards Tweek.
The boy's eyebrows immediately wrinkled together, as he eyed his five-letter named printed across the envelope's front. His eyes shifted to look up at Craig, whose grin shrunk into a shy sort of smile. Tweek's head dully shook, still confused by the sudden offering. "Cr-Craig, I thought... wh-why did you wr-write me one?"
"There's still something I needed to tell you," he replied, extending his arm out further.
"If th-this is to ap-apologize again for blow-owing me off to go t-t-to the party with K-Kenny," said Tweek, stuffing his hands into his pockets with refusal, "you don't n-need to. It's fine now."
"It's not about that," Craig clarified. "Please just take it."
Unwillingly, Tweek abided and took it from him, still looking down at his name with uncertainty. "I st-still don't think - "
"Please just read it," pleaded Craig. "You know I'm not the best at talking about this kind of stuff and I'm not the best with - " he grimaced a little. " - feelings and all that crap, so it would mean a lot if you did."
Tweek nodded, giving an understanding smile. "Alright, I w-will."
"Thank you."
There was a moment of silence before Craig hesitantly asked, "Once they read it... do you think they'll forgive me?"
"I-I guess that's up-p to th-them now," Tweek answered.
***
The envelope stayed securely in Wendy's protective hands from the moment she got it, however it still remained unopened. Her eyes had barely left it since it was handed to her, but even though it was now hers (and was technically meant to be for her eyes only), she couldn't quite bring herself to open it. She wasn't sure why she was so uneasy, but - if she was being entirely honest with herself - there was probably nothing in the world that could make her trust Craig Tucker.
Forgiving was one thing. Forgetting, and trusting for that matter, was another.
"Wends?"
Wendy's head shot up at the sudden mention of her nickname. She slid the paper next to her on the narrow bench she was perched on, tucking it under her thigh cautiously. Her eyes fixed on her bombshell-blonde best friend in front of her. "Uh, yeah?"
"Can you hand me my top? It's behind you," requested Bebe.
"Yeah, of course," Wendy murmured, shifting around and retrieving the girl's scarlet shirt from where it lay folded on top of her gym bag.
She handed it back to her friend and Bebe turned around, her blonde locks draped over her shoulders. As she faced the wall of lockers belonging to the girl's locker room, Bebe stripped off her volleyball tank top and began to change back into her regular clothes. And again, if Wendy was being entirely honest with herself, she would admit that her eyes might've lingered a little too long on her bare back.
Wendy snapped herself out of the stare and her gaze rocketed back down to her lap, as the other girl continued to change.
"God, I don't understand why Coach keeps making us stay after practice," Bebe sighed annoyedly. She paused to motion around the empty locker room. "I mean, everyone else is already gone. It's such bullshit."
Wendy nodded along, though her eyes were now beginning to settle back on the envelope that was still poking out from underneath her leg.
"Though, I mean, he's such a creep anyway," she continued to ramble on. "Maybe he's just trying to perv on us or something. I wouldn't be too surprised."
"Mmhm," Wendy hummed under her breath, sliding the envelope back out. She turned it over, hand tracing over the seal. Maybe it wasn't anything bad. Maybe it was...
"Wendy, what's that?" Bebe's voice was both shrill with curiosity and sharp with disapproval, probably irritated that she hadn't been paying much attention to what the girl had been ranting about.
Wendy's head snapped up, startled by the sudden question directed at her. She returned the letter to its place next to her on the bench, quickly pushing it back under her leg in an obviously failed aim at hiding it. "It's nothing, B. Don't worry about it."
Bebe tilted her head to the side, her eyes making accusations of lying instead of her mouth. She placed a hand on her hip, now fully clothed into her red sweater and a pair of designer jeans. "Wends, come on. You can tell me."
With a hesitant sigh, the raven-haired girl dragged the letter back out, but made no attempt at handing it over to her. She looked down for the millionth time at her scrawled out name, but she still couldn't bring herself to flip it over and tear off the seal. "It's... It's from Craig."
Wendy didn't need to look up at the blonde's face to know that her heart had dropped into her stomach and that her eyes were now distant with remembrance of what he had put them through.
"What do you mean it's from Craig?" Bebe demanded and Wendy could make out the anger lacing her words.
She laid the envelope down in her lap, fiddling with the end of her ponytail anxiously. "I saw him and Tweek in the hallway earlier when I was going from the gym and into the locker room, but I stopped and saw Craig sliding things into different lockers. I went to confront him about it, but he just handed me this."
"Why haven't you opened it yet?" urged Bebe.
"I... I don't know," she answered truthfully, "I guess I'm just afraid of what's inside."
Her friend's expression softened a bit and with her own drawstring gym bag in her grasp, she took a seat on the bench next to her. She gently rested a hand on the girl's knee, causing Wendy's heart rate to quicken. Bebe smiled comfortingly over at her, suggesting, "Hey, it's fine. How about we go over to my house and we can open it there together?"
Wendy returned the smile. "I think I'd like that."
The two grabbed their belongings and headed for the door of the locker room. It was usually filled with gossipy teenage girls their age, but Wendy didn't pay attention to them. Instead, she tried her best to concentrate on looking anywhere else but at a room filled with half-naked girls, meanwhile her face flushing with red the entire time. Yeah, gym class or sports practice was definitely not a good place to avoid thinking about your current sexuality crisis.
The girls began making their way towards the double doors of the school, when the two parted momentarily to retrieve their school bags from their lockers. Wendy shrugged on her lavender Hepworth coat and slung her bag over her shoulder, when suddenly, she heard Bebe say uneasily from behind her, "Uh, Wends?"
Wendy whirled around, a little on edge from the anxious tone in her voice. Bebe was standing at her own open locker behind her and she held up an envelope in her hand, identical to the one that Wendy had received. She immediately shut her locker and rushed over to the otherside of the hallway.
Bebe flipped the envelope over in her hand, staring at the blank back of it. Her eyes shot back up at Wendy. "Alright, fuck this. I'm not taking anything from that creep."
She began walking in the direction of the trashcan, when Wendy reached out and grasped onto her arm that was holding her own letter. Bebe spun around agitatedly and demanded, "What?"
"Let's just open them," said Wendy, shaking her head in defeat. "I'm done being scared of him. He already said he wouldn't tell people about... well, you know..."
Bebe gave a small nod, eyes not lifting off of the envelope in her hands. Without another word, she ripped open the back of the envelope and carefully plucked out a folded up piece of notebook paper.
Wendy averted her eyes and reluctantly did the same with hers. She carefully unfolded the paper inside and began reading the words etched in pencil on the page:
Dear Wendy,
This is probably the 10th time I've tried to write this and even now, I'm not sure if any of this makes sense or if it even sounds genuine or not. Just know that this isn't something I normally do (though I'm sure you're probably aware of that by now), so if anything comes off as unclear or sounds completely fake, just know that this is all real. I'm done pretending to be out to get everyone.
As I was writing this, I realized how hard it is to put yourself out there. I've written 3 letters so far and each one has gotten harder and harder to write. I still have more left and the thought of speaking my mind, completely unfiltered, any further scares the shit out of me. And then I realized that's probably how you felt.
Sexuality is... confusing, especially when you're pretending to be in a happy relationship with someone that you don't love, even though everyone expects you to be in it. This is something I hadn't thought about when I overheard you and Bebe at that party in the summer. I guess I never really cared if people knew I was gay or not, but I didn't think about how you were feeling in that position.
You were vulnerable - maybe even the most vulnerable you had ever been with somebody and I went and made everything 100x worse. I used your sexuality and your infatuation with Bebe for my and Token's personal gain. I thought breaking Clyde and Bebe up for the sake of making you and Token feel better was the way to go, but I now realize that you can't force things like that. They're supposed to happen on their own, if it's meant to be. For that, I am sorry. I hope that whatever happens to you in the future, you let yourself be who you actually are. Whether that's a lesbian or a bisexual girl or anything else, that doesn't matter. All that matters is that you're happy. You can't hide forever, it'll just make everything hurt more.
I'm lucky enough to have met someone that's opened my eyes to these kinds of things and that's something that I want for you too. I want you to have someone that makes you as happy as Tweek makes me. Whether that ends up being a boyfriend, a girlfriend, or just a friend in general, I hope they come your way.
- Craig Tucker
Wendy was quiet for a long moment, trying to take in everything. The words drifted off the page and swam in her brain, with her emotions pooling up in her eyes. This was the real Craig. It had to be.
Bebe wasn't the only one tearing up. She stood in front of Wendy, head bowed and eyes not leaving the page of her letter. She felt the stress of the last few days completely overcoming her, even though she tried her best not to let it get to her. Finally, her eyes couldn't take it anymore and tears leaked down her face. One of them landed on the page, glistening and slightly smearing his signature at the bottom.
Dear Bebe,
I'm not sure who deserves an apology more out of you, Token, Wendy, or Clyde, but I do know that you definitely deserve one. It's hard now when I look back at everything that happened between us 5 because I was so in my own head about everything and I wouldn't admit for the longest time that I was wrong, but now I can do that. I was wrong, Bebe, about everything and I'm sorry. I wanted so badly for everyone to be happy, even though I pretended not to care. Maybe there was a part of me that wanted everyone to be happy because I wasn't. I didn't have anyone, I didn't trust anyone, and I thought I didn't need anyone. I guess I wanted everyone to be happy, so that they wouldn't end up like me.
Your relationship wasn't perfect, but it didn't have to be. It was enough for Clyde and it was enough for you. That's all that should matter. You were happy together and I took that away from you. You don't deserve to have someone prevent you from being happy. I guess nobody really deserves that. Don't let anyone get in the way of you being with someone that you love.
You were many things to Clyde. A friend, sure; a girlfriend, yes, but that's not all you were. You were someone that helped him. You were an escape for him. You showed him love when his parents wouldn't. Maybe if I hadn't broken you up, he wouldn't be in a jail cell next to his father, awaiting to see what the outcome will be for them and the charges.
So, no matter what happens to Clyde or his family in the next couple of weeks, please be there for him. He needs you.
- Craig Tucker
The girls were both silent for a moment, before they both looked up and immediately pulled each other into a hug. They stayed like that for awhile. Neither of them spoke, neither of them asked to read the other's letter. All was quiet, but all was right.
***
Tweek Tweak was no stranger to anxiety, and that was probably one of the most obvious statements ever said. It seemed to him like he felt everything. Any little stressor became a colossal crisis. Any little bad day stayed with him for weeks. A tear to someone else became a hurricane to Tweek. Everyone knew this and that was just the way things were. That was why he didn't realize how big of a deal opening up was to Craig.
When he was handed the envelope, at first, he refused it because he didn't want Craig to continue to beat himself up over blowing off Tweek to be with Kenny. Then he realized that this piece of paper was the closest he had gotten so far (maybe even the closest he'd ever get) to knowing the full Craig Tucker. He wanted to know what went through his mind, since he could see in his eyes that his thoughts never stopped racing. He wanted to know what the heart behind that expressionless face was like. Maybe he had an idea of it, but did he really know for sure?
Maybe this was the closest anyone would ever get to knowing him. This was the same guy that knew everything about every person in South Park, yet there had always seemed to be very little knowledge about what went on inside that head of his.
Tweek stared down at the sealed envelope that was set down on the surface of his desk, the same one where Craig had been sat writing all of the letters the night before. It felt like almost a privilege to have one of these and he felt as though if he even touched it, he might ruin it.
God, get it together, Tweek, he thought to himself as he ran a hand through his tangled blonde curls.
Carefully, Tweek grasped the envelope in his hands and tore open the seal. He gingerly fished out its contents and unfolded the paper, flattening it out against the wooden desk. His hazel eyes began scanning the page and even though he had only read the first two words, he could feel emotion rising in his chest.
Dear Tweek,
You told me once that I kept my real feelings buried down inside of me and ever since then, that's been stuck with me. I guess, like usual, you were right. I don't know how, but you seemed to know me better than I did, or maybe I just ignored those aspects of me. Either way, you brought them to the surface.
I guess, if you want to keep using that analogy, I was buried. Buried alive by all the dirt that I collected over the years from everyone. I took their emotions too seriously and used them, both the good ones and the bad ones, for my personal gain. Each person buried me further into a hole that I had dug myself. I think what got me through this is knowing that you were digging me back up, as strange as it may sound. I thought I didn't need your help, but you kept shovelling your way to me and now I guess that this letter must be what you dug up.
I'm not an emotional person, but I swear you've made me feel every single emotion possible. You've made me truly happy just by being around me, you've made me angry by constantly doubting yourself, and I seemed to feel the deepest sadness I've ever felt when I hurt you. I didn't know what being loved was supposed to feel like. Maybe that's because I was never around the right people, or maybe that was because my parents were so wrapped up in their own problems that they never had time for me, but that's the difference between you and everyone else. I think maybe I now have an idea.
You have so much love in your heart. I know sometimes for you, it's an overwhelming amount, especially because you're afraid of putting your trust into the wrong person. I just wanted to let you know that that's not me. I was so sure of myself back when I thought I was on top of everyone, but I realize now that maybe that was just an act. Now, I'm sure that even though I will continue to make mistakes, I won't make as big of ones as I did in the past. With your help, I'd like it if you could help me continue to be a good person. After all, it wouldn't have turned out like this if it wasn't for you.
Love,
Craig Tucker
***
This has probably been one of the longest gaps between updates and I'm so sorry about that. I've had a lot of stuff going on in my personal life and I found it hard to make time for writing, unfortunately. Not to mention that I've rewritten this chapter like 5 times because I wasn't happy with the outcome, but I think I'm finally satisfied with this version. Hopefully you're satisfied with it as well.
That being said, here's a little reminder that there's not many chapters left. I think in total there will probably be 31, along with an alternate ending.
So yeah. Vote, comment, and follow if you want and as always, criticism is appreciated.
Thanks for reading!