I woke up the next morning in Jimin's arms. My head was buried in his chest and his hand was cradling my head, as if protecting me from the world. I climbed off the bed, careful not to wake him and walked to the bathroom. As I was brushing my teeth, I noticed my face and eyes were swollen. I sighed and put my hair in a ponytail, walking out the bathroom. Jimin stirred and sat up, now awake. I walked out the room without saying anything to him. I felt so tired, so drained. I just wanted to curl into a ball and listen to the voice in my head begging to take control. Instead of going for breakfast, I just sat down on the couch in the living room and pulled my knees to my chest. A few seconds later, a figure sat next to me. I knew it was Jimin by his scent. "Rose, why are you so quiet? Yell, scream, punch, do anything besides this. You're scaring me." I just shrugged. I could hear the pain in his voice and I wanted to kiss away his problems. But that's my problem. I want him, and Yoongi. I hate myself. You're just going to hurt them both like you've always done, the voice spoke. I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply.
"I'm sorry." He's the one that needs help yet he's here helping me.
"Hey," he cupped my face and gazed into my eyes, "tell me what's been going on in your life since I've been gone." He smiled brightly as he crossed his legs together on the couch and intertwined our hands. I sat as he did, facing him, and sighed.
"Well, the bully that did that to you," he flinched, "he was sent to jail for life." He nodded and looked away from me momentarily. Then he chuckled,
"I thought you'd have killed him."
"I was going to, yes. I really wanted to. But they put a restraining order on me while his sentence was being decided. And if he was ever to be let go, I can't be anywhere near him. I can't even get close to the jail he's placed in. I almost killed him that day, I saw what he did to you. But Ms. Young stopped me." He smiled softly at the counselors name.
"I miss her. She was my best friend." I nodded.
"She was annoying. Too nice. But after I graduated, I left to college away from our hometown. I couldn't be there anymore."
"What are you studying?"
"I'm currently studying psychology, philosophy and music performance." His eyes widened in surprise.
"Music performance? You never liked music that much, you hate attention too." I blushed and looked away from him.
"That day I first saw Yoongi playing the piano and rapping so passionately, I was inspired to get into music as well. I love music now," his brows furrowed, "but um, anyways, I live in my own apartment. I didn't want to move into the dorms and share with strangers."
"You don't visit Mrs. Dandelion?" I gulped and felt my breathing become shaky. I didn't want to remember this. I don't want to feel this again.
"She's... she's-" I struggled to say it. I haven't been able to fully accept she was gone. I didn't even get to say goodbye. I left her as soon as I could, not even thanking her or caring enough to visit. I pushed her away, I took her for granted. He seemed to have understood as he softly wiped my tears, that I didn't know were there, away. He leaned over and placed his soft plump lips on my forehead, leaving them there as he spoke with a shaky voice.
"It's okay jagi. She's... in a better place." I felt warm wet tears fall onto my head. "All I ever prayed for was your safety and happiness. Every night, every day. I prayed you weren't or would ever suffer like I did." I closed my eyes at his soothing scent and warmth. He's always managed to calm the raging volcano inside me. Then we pulled apart at the sound of someone clearing their throat. Yoongi was leaned against the door frame. He signaled for me to follow him outside. I got up and was about to leave until a small warm hand circled around my wrist, sending tingles to spread through my entire body.
"Yell if anything happens okay?" I gave him a small smile.
"The tables have turned haven't they?" He nodded and I walked out to the front porch. I stood at a good distance from Yoongi and looked out onto the street, not meeting his gaze. Suddenly, I smelled his minty cigarette scent next to me. His warm rough hand landed on mine. He held it and stared at the side of my face. Electricity flowed through my hand to the rest of my body. My breathing increased as I struggled to not meet his gace.
"Look at me," goosebumps rose on my skin at his deep husky demanding, yet gentle voice. I shook my head and gulped. "Rose, please-"
"You don't even love me, why are you still here?" His grip on my hand tightened.
"You know I didn't mean any of that."
"It still hurt to hear it." I ripped my hand from his and backed away from him.
"You think it didn't hurt me to hear you say the words you said? I'd rather you have hit me a thousand times than hear those words come out of your mouth." He stepped closer to me and gripped my waist to turn me to him. But I moved my head to the side, avoiding those eyes that make me melt on the spot. He gripped my chin gently and forced my eyes on his hard gaze. My eyes met his vulnerable dark ones.
"Why do I feel like I'm losing you," his voice cracked at the end of that sentence and it hit straight to my heart. His eyes started to gloss with tears.
"You're not," I whispered.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I said all that to you. I haven't been understanding and I'm sorry. But please don't leave me. I'd never cheat on you. I love you, only you. I'd never use you. I'd give up my life for you just to prove to you that I love you. I'd go through hell and back just to be with you forever and always. I don't care about anything else just you. Just don't leave me. I know that's selfish but I can't live without you. I can't... I don't know what I'd be without you. I know I'm not perfect like he is. I know I am a fuck up. I know I don't have light like he does, innocence, warmth, or a bright personality like him. I don't have a beautiful radiating smile like he does, I don't have warm inviting eyes like he does, I don't have a soft soothing voice like he does, I am cold and dark, I am rude and arrogant but with you, I am a better person. With you, I like who I am. With you, I have purpose. You may not believe it, but you're my light. Call me selfish, but I can't bear to see anyone else take my light."
His eyes were filled with tears and his hands trembled. He looked lost, broken, suffocated, nothing like the confident angry man I saw a few minutes ago. I hugged him and he buried his face in my neck. I couldn't give him an answer because I didn't know what would happen. But one things for sure, I'd never leave him alone. I love him too much.
It's been two weeks. After that day I spoke with Yoongi, I came back to my apartment. I would visit Jimin everyday and we'd go out places, holding hands, cuddling, laughing. Yoongi disappeared. I hadn't seen him since that day. My heart broke everyday I wasn't with him. I was currently on my couch, snuggled into my best friend Hoseok. We've become very close, he comes over often to eat and watch movies, sometimes I think he's homeless or something. Most of the time he'd walk in without knocking and wake me up because he feels lonely. He'd force me to dance and sing with him for at least and hour or two.
"How's Yoongi?"
"Horrible. He won't stop working out and won't eat. Full depression mode." I sighed.
"Why doesn't he want to talk to me?" He shrugged.
"He doesn't talk to anyone. Not me, Taehyung or Jeongguk. Maybe he gave up cause he thinks you're with Jimin now." I stayed silent. "Are you with him?"
"No."
"You have to choose now Rose."
"I know, you think I don't. But how can I choose when I fucking love both of them it literally hurts like a bitch?"
"What do feel with Yoongi?" My chest began to hurt, like someone stabbed me.
"Everything. I feel happy, love, anger, sad, anxiety. I feel alive, awakened. Maybe even reborned. I feel danger yet safe with him. I feel like a crazy person yet I feel like myself. Like I'm a better person yet finally me. I feel like I'm plunging down so fast and hard but I never want it to stop. My body ignites every time I'm with him. I crave to always be with him. To never be apart or else it feels like someone threw a bucket of ice on me. He taught me so many things. He taught me how to know myself, how to accept who I am. He accepts me for who I am. He doesn't try to change me. He's not afraid of me. Instead he embraces me this way. He challenges me. I don't need to contain myself, he just accepted me and learns to deal with it. My entire being responds to him quickly, recognizes him and automatically realizes this is not a person I want to hurt. He's the only one who never questioned me or judged me, he just connected with me. When I'm with him, the world disappears. When I look at him, I know that this is a person I want to live for. That day I was dying, I asked myself why I ever wished death upon myself. I didn't want to die. All the reasons I had for wanting to no longer live were irrelevant now. I wanted to live for him, even if it meant going through pain all over again. I wanted to live to see his gummy smile, to hear his high-pitched genuine laugh, to hear his deep husky voice, to feel his electrifying touch. It's not just about me anymore, it's him. He's a part of my life. He's why I am here and I am me. Love doesn't even begin to describe what I feel for him, words can't describe that. He deserves so much more. I don't want to be in a world without him, but if he ever asked me to live for him even while he's gone, despite the suffering and depression I'd go through, I'd do it. I'd live because he asked me to, because whatever he wants, I will fulfill." I felt like my heart would pump out of my chest. "He may not be healthy for me, what I feel for him may not be healthy, he may drive me to the brink of insanity and cause a bigger mess of me than ever before, but... I've never been a better person. I've never felt actual sanity, silence, passion." He wrapped his arm around my shoulders.
"And Jimin?"
"Jiminnie. I feel peace, comfort, like I'm in the quiet sea, floating in the waves calmly. I feel a light always shining in front of my eyes. Light, warm tingles spread through me every time he touches me. His smile always gave me hope that everything would be okay, that the world isn't all negativity. His gentle voice always shot straight to my soul, silently showing me the way back to reality. His pure innocence always made me feel warm, hopeful. I feel absolute comfort with him. I feel pure love. I feel sweetness on his lips, instead of the bitter taste I always feel in my mouth. He showed me what warmth was. Not physical warmth, the one you feel in your soul. He taught me beautiful positive things in life. Without him I felt empty, with no purpose. He gave me meaning, purpose. He gave me the will to better myself, he's the one that made me realize that I was sick. I feel everything with the both of them, but in completely different ways." I sobbed onto his neck as he held me tight. Which one was I made for? Which one do I belong to? Which one is my fate?