CHAPTER THRITY NINE- You can take my breath away.
I tugged at the hem of my dress and pulled it out at the waist. It looks better like this, baggier. Leaning forward closer to the mirror I examined my mascara. I’d spent about twenty minutes in total on my make-up, this involved applying and re-applying for a more toned down look but I couldn’t help but know that Niall would still have something to say later however hard I tried to make it un-noticeable, so I gave up and left it in a more natural state than normal but it would still be apparent I was wearing make-up, oh well.
After practicing happy expressions in the mirror I sighed to myself. I could hear the clatter of glasses downstairs and prayed that Dad wasn’t going overboard. I could hear muffled voices as well, probably Ellie trying to talk to him. I suddenly had second thoughts about going tonight, Ellie was going to be here on her own with him, but surely she’d be okay though, right? She’ll be fine; she’s seventeen she knows how to take care of herself.
On my way down the stairs I collided with her, she was looking worried and anxious like she had been since I got here. Her blonde curls flying out everywhere and her no longer immaculate make-up smudged around her eyes, a dense black tinge nabbing it’s way out of her eye-lashes and onto her skin. Probably from rubbing her eyes, I can relate.
“Ash he’s drinking.”
She told me barely a whisper. I bit down on my lip feeling the smooth texture of the lipstick I was wearing travel onto my teeth leaving an undeniable nude pink tinge. On this thought I ran my tongue over my teeth, hopefully removing the make-up error. In her eyes she was worried, I could tell that much but she wasn’t freaking out like I would be if I was her right now, Ellie was put together, she could handle things a lot better than me.
“I know,” I told her slipping my fingers in between hers. She was surprised at first but then she gave my hand a squeeze. She rubbed her baby pink full lips together making them slightly redder. “It’s alright just stay out of the way, but if it gets bad ring me and I’ll meet you somewhere okay?”
She stared back at me her eyes widening slightly. Raising her perfectly plucked eye-brows she looked to the floor as if the plush carpet beneath our feet was the most amazing thing in the world. She looked back up now, her blue eyes meeting mine.
“Are-Are you sure? I mean you’re gonna be at a party Ashley and-“
“Of course I’m sure, look I’ve really gotta go. Don’t hesitate to ring, alright?”
“R-Right.”
She nodded and then I forced a faux smile. I wrapped my arms around her shoulders, feeling her body warm against mine as I embraced my sister for a few seconds before pulling away and looking her. She smiled at me and I forced another one back, and then I left. My father’s occupations unseen for a second time by my eyes.
-
The chilly night air was sharp as it nipped at my bare skin, lifting up strands of my hair sprayed half-up-half-down do and making my lips dryer by the second. I smoothed some lip balm over my lips and as soon as I was about to put it back into my clutch a light flicked on in the window and then the door was flung open just as I was about to start up the porch steps and there stood my boyfriend, free of all the troubles I had experienced in just the mere past hours. Smiling widely at me I could see Louis and Harry tackling each other in the hallway but I pulled my gaze back to Niall immediately caving into his hug. I could use one.
“Steady on.” He chuckled as he lifted one arm pushing the door shut behind me. The bang it made sounded through the house silencing the others slightly before they went back to their normal pre-party antics. His arm returned to my body hugging me back, due to his remark I thought maybe I was hugging him a bit too tightly so I loosened my grip but still kept my head resting on his chest his frequent heartbeat filling my ears. “What’s up with you, are you okay?”
He questioned concern flooding his tone. I licked my lower lip debating on whether or not I felt like telling him, did he really need to know that another member of my family had been or is messed up? The one that he thinks isn’t, the one that actually likes and is nice to him. For a few seconds as I pondered on this I said nothing still just hugging him. The feel of his lips on the top of my head brought me from my thoughts and I reluctantly lifted my head from his chest and looked up at him and his look of honest concern.
“Nothing, I’m fine. When are we going?”
I attempted to conceal. I’d done this so many times it almost came naturally, it was habit almost, to feed the line of “I’m fine.” I pulled away from him knowing that if I looked at him when I said this he would almost instantly know I was holding something back. So I walked off to the living room with my back turned I could still feel his eyes on me as I entered the brightly lit room. Zayn was fiddling with a black tie around his neck and every time he tried to tie it Louis would grab it and then run off, Zayn rolled his eyes giving me a smile and a wink before running off after Louis to the kitchen where I assumed the rest of them were judging by the shouts and noises coming from there. I was about to sit down on the sofa when Niall’s hand folded around mine pulling me back with force.
“Ashley I know that you’re a liar when you say that you’re okay. What’s up? Did something happen?”
Niall persisted and then I remembered the fact that he hadn’t told me that he had spoken to my Father that night at the hospital. If the conversation was what my Dad had said it was then it didn’t really matter but I had a feeling that it wasn’t, there was a chance that I was wrong but either way, Niall still could have told me. I mean at the time it was important, he knew that. On this thought and just the general mood of not feeling like talking to anyone I dropped his hand sitting down on the sofa. As if this had triggered it as soon as I dropped his hand his face dropped and he furrowed his brow but I looked away unsure of how to approach this. Before I knew it he was next to me sat slightly sideward as he looked at me waiting for me to answer him, but the truth was I didn’t know what to say.
“Okay now I don’t even have to ask. Something’s happened. Ashley, you know you can tell me, what’s the matter love?”
He placed his hand over mine and I looked down at them and I could see him out the corner of his eye narrowing his eyes at my actions. I sighed slipping my fingers in between his as I turned to face him pulling my features into a feasible expression.
“I guess, nothing’s really happened. I just…”
“Just what?”
Niall pushed suspiciously, I sighed again biting on my lower lip. Someone had just spilled something in the kitchen and Harry was having a go at whomever. But Niall hadn’t seemed to notice, or if he had he didn’t care as he stared at me intently waiting for my answer.
“Why didn’t you tell me you spoke to my Dad in September?”
I blurted out regretting it as soon as the words left my mouth. I dug my nails of my free hand into my palm feeling the pain as a cover up for how mixed up I was feeling right now.
“Actually no don’t worry it-“
I began to backtrack but Niall cut me off, keen to answer my question, or maybe just inquisitive as to what the answer to his was. Either way, we were both wanting answers from the other.
“Because I didn’t think it mattered.”
He shrugged. Leaning closer he placed a finger underneath my chin tilting it up forcing me to look at him. He stared back at me his eyes mirroring my own and he was so close now I could see my reflection in his eyes, he rested his forehead on mine brushing hair from my eyes.
“Well it does.”
I snapped and he raised his eye-brows still just staring at me.
“Why does it matter?”
“Of course it freaking matters Niall, back then, you know it was important. It’s still important now; everything to do with you and my parents was important and still is now. Why didn’t you tell me? I thought we didn’t keep secrets.”
He sighed shuffling closer to me but I just stayed there unmoving to his body language with my arms folded over my chest as I looked at him expectantly silently asking him how lucky he was feeling at being able to dig himself out.
“Look, I’m sorry but I didn’t really count it as a secret. But what’s really the matter here? Cus I can tell that’s not it.”
As he asked this it hit me what I was really so messed up over right now. It was only partially the dinner conversation and the events afterwards, the main thing was my latest failure today. And that was not eating my dinner. I mean I failed myself again, I saw an opportunity where there would be nobody to make a comment or take action on my actions and I took foolish and selfish advantage of it and now the guilt is eating me up again. It was that same nauseous feeling that I was used to after breaking up with Niall last year and the rebels against my therapy that I experienced, that was what it was, the guilt factor of hurting myself again.
“I…” He raised his eye-brows still looking at me with that same intensity as he waited for my answer. “I messed up, again.”
I told him barely a whisper, he didn’t understand at first and then it clicked and wistfulness flooded his face but he brushed it off as he licked his lower lip and then forced me a small smile.
“What was it?”
He questioned and then I knew he understood and that felt better, actually, like a weight had been lifted now that I had told him. Keeping secrets about my status of food like this from him is never easy, if it’s even a task that is completed at all.
“Curry.”
I informed him, my tone was barely qualifying as a whisper but he heard me and he nodded. He reached a hand into his pocket before nodding as he brought it back out and then moved his hand to my jaw cupping my face in his hand.
“Okay, it’s okay. We’ve got a while yet, come on I’ll take you down the road and we can go to that pizza place.”
He smiled warmly at me and then he stood up tugging at my hand as he motioned for me to get up too but I just sat there staring up at him his words not yet processed through my complex and dense brain. When I didn’t do or say anything but stare back at him he sighed arching his back he bent down to me again pressing his forehead back against mine.
“I know you want to. I can see it in your eyes.”
He chuckled manoeuvring a hand to my stomach and letting his fingers prod it gently causing a sensitive shock to flood through my body.
"The one with the really good pizza?"
I piped up a genuine smile making it's way onto my lips, that was something new for the past few hours, a genuine smile. Grinning Niall nodded bringing his hand tighter against mine I let him pull me up and he slowly drew me in closer placing his hands on my hips.
"The one with the really good pizza." He echoed. "Just for you."
I smiled prying one of his hands away from my hip I laced my fingers with his. I could feel the hunger rising in my stomach, I was used to this but not anymore it was time to smack it down to a death like I used to. To satisfy my body instead of starve it.
“Okay.”
I giggled closing my eyes as he melted his lips onto mine, warm and soft he tasted of the sweet and sticky texture of toffee popcorn.
“Ooh hey Ashley! You want some pre-party drink?”
Louis asked me giddily as he fell about with the shove Harry had just given him.
“No I’m alright thanks Lou.”
I smiled as I pulled away from Niall who found my hands again slipping his fingers in between mine. I felt my phone buzz in my clutch, better not be Ellie already.
“He’s already been drinking, you know, in case you hadn’t noticed.”
Harry informed me chuckling. I nodded smirking at Louis, who was just a little bit giddier than he normally is.
“Fuck off Harry so have you.”
Louis retorted giving Harry a shove at the shoulders causing him to stumble backwards slightly.
“Yeah but not as much as you.”
“Oldest gets the most!”
Louis hollered and then ran back to the kitchen.
“Well we’re going to get pizza!”
Niall informed them getting a faint round of okay’s from them all. He dropped a kiss onto my temple before flashing me an encouraging smile and squeezing my hand as we cracked the door open and the cool night air greeted us, it had stopped raining now so everything was kind of cool and dripping. The tarmac conveyed a thick aroma after be smothered in precipitation as the remainders dripped down from the trees and hedges tumbling through the December air and landing with plops onto the pavement. The streetlights were bright as they punctured the enveloping darkness that was ever growing with the clouds that were gathering in the sky, hastily covering the ceiling of stars cluttering the above. Air that stirred around us was as well consisting of an unthinkable temperature, or at least it felt like it in this dress.
“So you wanna tell me how it actually went or not? Cus if you don’t want to talk about it, then that’s okay.”
Niall offered his words interrupting my intricate observing of the night we were currently enduring in. I bit my lip and then rang my tongue over my teeth hoping that my lip colour hadn’t stained again. Did I want to talk about? The whole conversation had pretty much revolved around him, or him and my Mother for that fact. In all honesty I didn’t know exactly how Niall felt about my Mum, obviously he didn’t exactly like her after what happened last week but I can’t say that I like her either so I guess that’s an opinion we both share. But we’ve always had a kind of rocky relationship, so family feuds were never something I was a stranger too. Sometimes I even wondered if we were as bad as those families you see on Jeremy Kyle, I don’t think we’d ever admit to that though. Too posh, too up ourselves, it’s shameful for me to admit it about my own family but money makes the world go round, right? But it can also be a real good benefactor for someone’s ego too.
“It…It wasn’t the best, I suppose.”
I stuttered. This was probably an understatement but the only person who could really comment a one hundred percent accurate answer on this right now was Ellie, because as far as I knew she was still back there. At the house, the same house as my Father who was currently enduring alcoholic beverages. If the past hadn’t been so painful then this would be completely fine, I mean, it’s New Year’s Eve. What male isn’t going to want a drink or two, right? If only. But in my family, nothing ever is that straight forward and sometimes the simplest of things spiral out of control into something that could have been so simply avoided. But we all know, that none of us like to tone things down, things have to be complicated, right? And nobody cares who gets hurt on the way.
“Meaning? Was El there?”
He questioned. He was so laid back; talking about this with me like it was the most normal topic in the world. Maybe it was, but I’ve never been good at defining necessary topics from unnecessary ones, it wasn’t completely normal but neither was it abnormal. Or maybe he was just good at keeping calm and not caring about anything, yeah, that’s was probably it. I always have and still do now envy how carefree he is, how he doesn’t care how things turn out because they have to get worse before they get better, or how he doesn’t care about what anyone thinks. I’ve kind of always wanted to be one of those people, but deep down I know I never will be. I think maybe it’s just something you’re born with, and I, clearly wasn’t.
“Uh huh. She was quite full of things to say in the end actually, which didn’t exactly go down too well.”
But in all reality, I didn’t know exactly how well this had gone down as my Father just left. Got up, and left without saying anything or looking at either of us after Ellie’s outburst. It wasn’t as if she was saying anything too differing from what I was though, which is what got me in a way. I suppose maybe he was just angry with her for keeping my relationship with Niall a secret too from them, but what she was saying was true, it wasn’t her secret to tell, it wasn’t her relationship to hide, so why should she have? Apparently holding back is as bad as committing the crime, but what if the intentions were for the best? She wouldn’t have done it on a bad note, would she? She’s my sister; she would have no motive too.
“Oh, well what did she say?”
He inquired seeming genuinely interested in this. He didn’t know exactly what this dinner was supposed to be for, I had just described it to him as something to ‘sort things out’ maybe he got his own ideas out of that. Anyone would, wouldn’t they? You have to be really inside my family to know just how dysfunctional they are, we are, maybe. I’m probably dysfunctional too, always changing, never quite put together, basically, a fickle hot mess.
I shrugged feeling his eyes on me. As he awaited his answer, it seemed as if he was always waiting upon answers from me, maybe it was because I’m so complicated, hard to figure out, maybe.
“It was just…It was just stuff about September and you and stuff…”
I trailed off instantly recognising my overkill on the word stuff. Anne would not be proud. I reminded myself.
“Well that was vague.”
He chuckled dropping my hand and throwing an arm around my shoulder and drawing me in closer to his body. I could feel the heat from his travelling onto mine, his skin igneous against mine as it held firm contact.
“I don’t know. It was just things about her knowing about, you know…Me and you and not telling my parents I guess.”
I attempted to make this sound as causal as possible but the edginess was evitable throughout my tone, it always was though, I did well to conceal it from other people but Niall, he can read me like a book.
“Oh,” Was all he said at first his breath a cloud of mist in the algid air. “Well I suppose that’s an understandable thing to be you know, off about.”
I shrugged.
“Maybe.”
We turned into the path that led up to the doors of the brightly lit pizza place. The sign was bright outside, many different coloured bulbs flashing and popping in contrast against the aphotic atmosphere. It looked empty from what I could see as the heat slapped against our skin as Niall opened the door, well it was late on New Year’s Eve, I was actually quite thankful it was open twenty four hours. It was the type of place where you could quite happily pass hours with a cup of coffee and the smell of tomato sauce as your only company as you watched the world go by outside through the tinted windows. Niall motioned for me to go through first as he held the door open for me grinning stupidly; I gave him a small smile whispering a thank you in his ear as I kissed his cheek as I passed. The tiles were slippy against my heels and only then it deemed on me that I probably looked a little out of place in this dress with my hair and make-up done to perfection, but then again, it would hopefully be deemed as obvious as it was New Year’s Eve so people would just assume I had come from/was going to a party which was somewhat true.
“Would you like the same as last time?”
Niall whispered to me lacing his fingers with mine as we stood in front of the colourful menu which conveyed our options in brightly coloured fonts which were illustrated too. It was almost silent the only sound being the hum of a quiet radio somewhere and the noise produced by the ovens in the back somewhere sounding throughout the warm and cosy building.
“Sure, if that’s what you’d like. I’ll just have whatever you’re having.”
I shrugged not really caring. Even my mind over matter habit couldn’t resist this pizza. I was quite surprised there wasn’t usually more people in here, even Niall admitted it was one of the best pizzas he’d ever had and for him, that was saying something.
“Okay, if you’re sure. But I’m getting extra, because I’ve missed you.”
He chuckled lightly into my ear his lips skimming it before moving to my cheek pressing a soft and sweet kiss against my skin leaving it tingling with emotion and crave.
“Niall that doesn’t even make sense. It’s only been a few hours.”
I giggled caving further into his body the realization hitting me that there was nobody around, or at least nobody that was watching. I encircled my arms around his waist hugging him as I led my head on his chest, it was such a warm feeling to just hug him, it would never get old, however many times we did it.
“Yeah a few hours too many. Are you telling me you didn’t miss me too?”
He frowned making me look up at him and his pained expression. But I could see the playfulness in his eyes, the corny teasing we always did. I smiled straining my neck up a bit; I was almost the right height with these heels on, but not quite there, but almost, a fraction of the way below.
“Of course I missed you too.”
I grinned and he returned it as he slid his lips onto mine his hands finding my hips he pulled me closer to him so my body was tight to his. The smell of tomato sauce was still dense as it filled my nostrils, I had always caved at the smell of pizza cooking, it just always smelt nice, I didn’t know what it was about it. And I suppose that confused me too, since I’m not exactly a great lover of fatty foods, stating the obvious.
“My stomach’s rumbling, and that’s a first. So come along Horan, I want my food.”
I demanded giggling slightly, it took him a few seconds to realise what I had said and he smiled the surprise of my words evitable in his eyes but he obliged wrapping an arm around my waist as we made our way to the counter to order.
“No arguments with that.”
He shrugged.
“So,” Niall began as he slid into the seat opposite me on the other side of the table. I shifted in my seat; the red lather was cold against my bare legs making me flinch slightly before I sat down properly. “A little birdy told me, that somebody got a promotion.”
My gaze shot up to his from the can I was trying to pry open, who makes these ring pulls so hard to open? How did he know? He wiggled his eye-brows at me already sipping on his own can, why is it always me?
“How the hell did you find out?”
I inquired keen as to who might have told him. He shrugged smirking as he absentmindedly reached over the table and pried my can from my hands and cracked it open with ease and then slid it back across the table to me saying nothing of it.
“Like I said, a little birdy told me.”
He winked and then before I could reply our order was called and he flashed me a knowing smile before getting up to go and collect it. I rolled my eyes weighing up the possible options for who could have told him, or how he could have found out. I don’t know. As I waited for him I examined my nails, they must not have been completely dry when I left. I thought to myself as my eyes fell upon an absence of the nude colour they were painted on my right thumb, oh well. I let my gaze fall to the ring Niall had given me sat firmly on my finger, as ever, a perfect fit. I still couldn’t help but feel guilty about the fact that he was planning on giving it to me that night only for me to rather harshly break up with him before he got the chance. What a bitch. I scolded myself, as if I hadn’t done this enough times.
My thoughts were punctured as I knew that if Niall knew I was feeling guilty again about well, everything then he would surely have something to say. Smiling he set the food down in front of us. My mouth was watering at the sight of it and for once, with just him here, the only person I was eating with, I didn’t feel overly insecure. The cheese was sizzling on the top as it covered the light dough smothered in tomato sauce below. I picked off a few olives and dropped them on Niall’s side; he smirked at me as I did this.
“Awh come on Ash, it’s the best part.”
He chuckled as he picked up his first slice chewing on it hungrily. I shook my head vigorously. Always have and always will, hate olives. I hadn’t found the courage to start yet so I sipped my can of sprite, letting the bubbles savour on my tongue as I swallowed down the fairly tasteless liquid.
“Ah well, more for me.”
Niall shrugged as he popped a whole olive into his mouth. I grimaced and he smirked again, how can he eat them?
“Tell me how you found out.”
I demanded as I finished my third bite of my first slice of pizza, he was now on his second. He looked up at me a smirk making it’s way onto his lips as he wiped his mouth.
“Maybe, but first, tell me when you were planning on telling me.”
Should I tell him? He deserved to know, didn’t he? After all, some when next year he was going to be the person my decisions had to revolve around. Since I was going to be living with him, in some form or another. But the promise that really sunk within those few words was that I would be able to spend a lot more time with him, which was like bliss in a box for us, things aren’t exactly easy or ideal when things go back into the full on swing of work and there’s not a lot of time for us to spend one on one time together, so hopefully, whenever we finally sorted something out, things would get better.
“Well I, I haven’t taken it yet…”
I told him through gritted teeth. Niall’s face flooded with concern and he looked up at me, still eating, but most of his attention was on me and the confused look he was sporting. I took a long swig of my Sprite trying to seem causal about this, but there was nothing casual about the decision I had been debating for a few months now, in silence, that is.
“Wh-What? I thought you had? You don’t…You don’t get an option to go back to your original position if you don’t take it, do you?”
He questioned. I set my can back down on the table the sound of it seeming louder than it was, it echoed actually, it was weird. At this precise moment a rough looking middle aged man burst through the doors, his eyes met with mine and I shot my gaze to my lap, Niall hadn’t noticed and was still watching me with the same confused expression. The man scowled at me and then stalked off to the other side of the restaurant. Strange. He looked familiar somehow, but I couldn’t place it. I shrugged it off.
“Exactly.”
I breathed, so quietly and lightly it was barely audible. But Niall must have heard me because his eyes widened as he ran his gaze across the restaurant settling it on random objects, something he does when he’s deciphering what something means. He licked his lower lip and then met his gaze with mine again, I bit down hard on mine and began running my index finger around rim of the can, hearing the squeaking sound as my skin brushed the damp aluminium.
“You’re…You’re not serious are you?”
Niall scoffed, his tone was almost humorous but it wasn’t that type of amusement humour. It was that type of this-can’t-be-true-and-it’s-funny-to-think-so humour. I took a few seconds out to form my reply and rolled my eyes to the other side of the restaurant. There was a glass panel in the way but I could see the man watching us, looking up through the glass of his thin glasses that were perched right at the tip of his nose. So much so that I was expecting them to fall to the ground and smash any second.
“I-I don’t know, maybe. I’ve been thinking about it for a while.”
I admitted. There was a voice in my head telling me to backtrack right now, to tell him I wasn’t serious and that everything was going to stay the same forever. But we both knew that wasn’t going to happen, and even though we weren’t admitting it to each other or ourselves yet we both knew that we weren’t going to let there be an ocean between us forever, someone has to make the move, don’t they? And maybe, we’ve been playing the waiting game for too long, right?
“Ashley,” He started but nothing else followed. I looked up at him through my hair, right now I had no clue how he was going to react to this. He should be happy, right? It would make everything so much easier between us, but we both know that things aren’t exactly easy in any situations, let alone this one. “I don’t…How long have you been thinking about this for?”
Niall asked. I honestly didn’t know the exact answer. I just knew that ever since I saw Niall that day at work, when that whole palaver happened, when everything changed dramatically and everything seemed so wrong but right at the same time, I just really realised something. And that was how much I missed England, how much I missed my whole life, its funny really, isn’t it? One thing from your previous life can make the briefest encounters and it sparks something within you, just like that. So life changing, so dramatic, but outwardly, to other people, it seems like nothing. I suppose things were always like that all through my life though, things would be so big to me, so dramatized by my usual packet of stress and anxiety I’d carry around with me, always changing things, but in the outline, the finished product, they do have a lot of impact. And just seeing Niall that day, hearing his voice, the mention of his band mates which I had of course dearly missed too just really snapped something inside of me. Of course at the time I was too busy glowering over how much I missed him, loved him and all that sha-bang but as I think back, and look back now, I realise that it wasn’t even completely getting back with him that sparked it, it had always been there, maybe it just needed a little encouragement. But through all that, now I’m for sure that I’m not going to be in New York forever, some when, I will move back to England.
“A few months maybe, I don’t know. Nothing’s…Nothing’s definite.”
He just looked at me and then licked his lower lip again sinking back into his seat he sighed running an uneasy hand through his hair.
“What so would you like…Completely move back to England? Ash your contract runs out next Christmas, why don’t you just wait until then? I mean I want to, I’d love for you to live here again but it’s such a good job Ash, you…I don’t want you to regret it afterwards.”
I stared back at him taking this all in. I remember this similar conversation when we discussed me actually going to New York and taking the job, he was so supportive, telling me that I shouldn’t let him hold me back and that it was a great opportunity and what not, but the thing is, even though I know I’m doing it and I try to convinced myself I’m not, I am moulding my lifestyle to his, and to this relationship. But isn’t that what you’re supposed to do in a relationship? Give or take you can think for yourself sometimes, but I don’t know how to make him see, how to get it into him that I want to change my lifestyle to fit with him, I want to make this relationship work, and I want to eliminate the physical distance between us. It’s not a matter of making rash decisions because I’m not, this is what I want, he is what I want.
“I won’t regret it though Niall!” I protested as he just looked at me; his expression was giving nothing away as he licked his lower lip again and then looked to the floor. “You don’t understand how much I want to move back here, I miss it you know? I miss you. Anything else I’ve said forgotten, I’ve always been happier in England than I ever have been in New York.”
He blinked a few times and then bit his lower lip. Something occurred to him inside his brain and a small smile quirked at his lips and then he shook his head to himself still looking to the floor. Suddenly his eyes shot up to mine, latching his gaze with mine he was so serious, this has to be one of the most serious looks I have seen on him.
“I don’t…I don’t want you to make decisions around me Ashley. You need to think for yourself. It would be lovely, hell it would be amazing if you lived in England again but do you realise what a good opportunity you have at the moment in New York Ash? Most girls your age, or any age, would kill for your job. Don’t throw it all way on me.”
He pleaded, now he leant forward over the table his fingers slipping in between mine, his thumb caressing my own in light and simple strokes, tickling my skin.
“I’m not Niall, I promise. I know people would kill for my job and that’s exactly why I can’t continue it anymore; someone else deserves it more than me, somebody who actually wants it. And you know that’s not me, don’t you? Do you get it Niall? Do you get that I didn’t even want it in the first place?”
He sighed and took a few long moments to contemplate this. I could almost see it chuntering through his brain, I could almost see him recalling this similar conversation last year, I knew I was. It was all the same questions, all the same opinions, all the same answers, and yet it still turned out wrong. So did this mean that this conversation was going to result in something being wrong as well? I hope not. But with Niall and I, there never is any telling. And we always know that once we overcome one obstacle there’s another one heading directly for us, but maybe that’s what makes it worth it, what makes it special enough to hold onto and never let go.
“You don’t hate it though, do you? I just…I don’t want you to rush things for yourself Ashley. So much has happened and to be honest, with all due respect you’re not really in the state for a major recreate of your life are you? I’m not…I’m not saying I like there being an ocean between us, cus I don’t, I hate it as much as you. But that doesn’t mean it’s not tolerable. You have a year left Ashley, would it not feel better for you to finish what you started? Would it not be better to just wait until your options were freed up a bit and you weren’t tied down to this job anymore?”
He reasoned but I could tell by looking in his eyes that he only genuinely believed half of that. It’s not hard to figure out that we both loathe living in different countries, maybe that’s why Niall had asked me to move in with him now, maybe he knew along that I wouldn’t last in New York. That I’d cave back to my home in the end. It was blatant he couldn’t move to America, the reasons for that are obvious. The concept of me moving back to England was highly feasible, that didn’t mean he was going to let me do it without about a million of ‘the talk’s to tell me that I shouldn’t let him influence my decisions.
“You don’t get it. I don’t want to wait; I don’t want to finish something I don’t enjoy. You know, I’m really fed up of moulding my life to other’s people’s needs you know. I’m fed up of always knowing that I owe someone something, that someone’s depending on me. I know I can’t expect to be completely free from that but you have to actually live the job to understand the pressure, it’s not what I want to do. In fact, I hardly ever get to take pictures. Do you know how frustrating that is for me?”
Niall chuckled slightly at this but it soon differed out into a confused look still. I didn’t expect him to understand.
“You know I expected you to be more enthusiastic than this.”
I frowned leaning back into my seat and downing the rest of my Sprite.
“Ash I’m sorry, I’m all for you moving back to England. I’m worried though, I’m worried for you.”
“What’s there to worry about? What’s could go wrong if I quit and moved back? Damn Niall sometimes I think you worry more than me.”
I muttered as I picked up the last slice of pizza, it was slightly cold now, but it was alright.
“I…It’s not the job thing I’m worried about. It’s you, you yourself Ash. Do you really think you can handle moving back to England? You know moving countries is a big deal. You had everything sorted out for you in New York, all ready for when you got there, but here, you don’t. If you decide it’s what you really want, and you go ahead with it I’ll be all for making it easier for you. But come on Ash, me and you both know you stress, do you really wanna add to stress with an unnecessary move halfway across the world?”
This took some serious contemplation. I know I stress easily, I know I over complicate things and I know I’m a complex person myself. But that doesn’t mean I can’t handle it, life has chucked so many things at me and I still came out a survivor. Maybe what I could do with is a challenge, some new turf.
“Who said it had to be stressful? Who said-“
But I was cut off by him lurching forward and smashing his lips to mine, stopping me mid-sentence, I was about to pull away and ask him why he didn’t let me finish but then that sweet and addicting feeling wavered over, silencing my senses and erasing any previous thoughts of the train of speech that was so rudely, yet luxuriously interrupted. Any plans to move back to England were forgotten for the moment and I absentmindedly kissed him back, feeling my tension easing away as my heart beat quickened up, the emotion of himself flooding me in a wave of happiness.
As we pulled away I blinked a few times as I tried to get over what had just happened.
“Niall…” I started and he just smirked at me. “Did you just kiss me to get me to shut up?”
I questioned not entirely sure what had happened this past minute, I was in a daze of dizzy intoxication, on him.
“Ashley do us both a favour and just shut up. We’ll talk about this some when else, but for the mean time…”
He trailed off shutting himself up by melting his lips instantly back onto mine, as if it had never left, the intoxication channelled over me again, taking over my every thought, action and emotion as I slowly rose in my seat to kiss him back harder. I let it linger for a few more seconds before pulling away and pushing the tray that once held our pizza to the side and standing up shrugging my blazer on around my shoulders and fumbling my clutch in my fingers. While he just kind of sat there blinking at me, smirking I motioned for him to get up and he absentmindedly did so taking my hand.
“Save it for later Niall.”
I replied casually as we left. I couldn’t help but feel uneasy though as I could feel the man’s eyes on me, why did he look so familiar? It was freaking me out.
“Wait, are you trying to say that-“
“You’ll have to wait and see, it is going to be a new year…”
I shrugged and his face lit up. Oh teasing him is such fun.
-
By the time we got back, it was already breaching eleven thirty. As usual, we were late. But better late than never, right? You could practically feel the place buzzing as we walked up the driveway (minus the vomiting stranger scarcely close to Harry’s range rover) the music could be heard halfway down the road and I was half expecting one of the pensioners from down the road to come and complain. I was about to place my hand on the door handle when Niall grabbed my waist turning me to face him, I leant against the wall, the bricks cool against my back as I stared back at him silently questioning what he wanted.
“Stay with me, alright? Because you’re mine.”
He breathed into my ear; I smirked as I leant back slightly to look at him a smug look still playing across my expression as I stared back at him.
“I know,” I whispered against his lips tracing a finger up and down his chest. “I will Nialler.”
I assured him and he smiled and then leaned forward pushing me further against the rough brick wall, cool against my back he moulded his lips onto mine, sweet like the tomato sauce from the pizza we so recently shared. And dizzy like the conversation we endured in during it, but all the same, it was nothing short of amazing, just as it always was, wherever, whenever and in whatever situation, it’s quite surreal how one kiss can make it better, can make you forget about anything and everything.
“Care to come get smashed with me babe?”
He inquired smugness ridden throughout his tone as he beamed at me. Giggling I wrapped my arms around his neck bringing myself closer to him, I rested my forehead against his staring into his eyes I let my lips graze against his as I leaned up so my height was similar to his, which, always made things easier.
“Sure,” I shrugged grinning back at him. “Just don’t judge, I haven’t been drunk in a while.”
I admitted and he smirked grazing his lips even closer to mine.
“Well this should be even more interesting then.”
He enthused and then pressed his lips back against mine kissing me just as much as before, and we’re still sober.
Before we went in, I checked my phone, no texts or calls from Ellie. She’ll be fine. I assured myself. It’ll be fine. She’s almost an adult now; she knows how to take care of herself. And with that I took Niall’s hand as we burst through the door the heated atmosphere of the party hitting us straight away, the smell of alcohol and tobacco greeting us, the laughter soon filled my ears the same as the bass of the music sounded throughout the house, etching itself into every crack and crevice. We pushed our way through the sea of bodies and made our way to the kitchen were a giggly Harry was scrabbling for another beer.
“Alright there Haz?”
Niall chuckled and Harry looked up his curls a floppy mess over the island where he previously had his head on, they sprang back into their usual state and he gave us a shaky smile. He looked us both up and down and then gave us a thumbs up.
“Alright actually Nialler…You look hot Ash.”
He slurred. I just laughed at his remark whether as Niall shot him a glare which I don’t think he picked up.
“Yeah…”
Niall trailed off.
“Well…I’m going to…Going to find boo, see you later…”
Harry announced sending us a smile before picking himself up from the stall he was sat on and stumbling back out the kitchen door, for a moment the music was loud again and then the door swung shut and it went quiet again, the music now a low hum, the bass vibrating throughout stomachs.
Niall looked at me and then took two beers from the counter handing me one, after dropping a kiss onto my temple he took my hand tugging at it he led me out back into the party, the intoxication clear. I watched Niall take a few swigs of his own beer and then cracked mine open downing at least half of it, the taste was sweet yet bitter at the same time as I downed the rest and then placed it on a cabinet behind me and let Niall engulf me in his arms.
Half an hour later and someone bumped into me and people were wildly pointing at the clock, there was two minutes until midnight, two minutes until the year would be officially over. A slow song came on that I recognised the beat to, and as I listened to the words, the room slowly hushed as the ticking of the clock wasted away the seconds left of this year, and I was able to put it down as Enrique’s Hero. I closed my eyes as I rested my head on Niall’s chest my arms connected around his waist as we swayed to the music, his intoxication was clear but he had managed to subside the bubbly thing he was before and was swaying gently with me to the music. I suppose in a way this year had been full of all the worst, and all the best. For the first three quarters of it, I was living in my idea of hell. My life was hollow, it was meaningless and every second seemed more painful than the last, everything was just bland and empty and it was full of the same thing. And then suddenly August rounds the corner and Niall’s back and everything gets turned upside down, things got better, a lot better and I know it’s because of Niall. So maybe I just saved my year just in time, because it’s better late than never, and it’s better to take the risk, to take the jump and to see where it lands you, because now I wasn’t full of regret for dragging myself through a year without him. Because it did take a long time, a lot of tears, a lot of fake smiles and awkward moments, concealing of feelings and sleepless nights, but in the end it was all worth it because although it’s far from perfect. It’s what we need it to be.
I can be your hero baby,
I can kiss away the pain.
“I will stand by you forever…” Niall breathed huskily into my ear I bit my lip as I looked up at him feeling my heart race with his words and the huskiness of his voice. I smiled and he returned it as I led my head back on his chest and his lips brushed my ear again. “You can take my breath away.”
I felt someone tap my shoulder, but it was more of a forceful shove sending me stumbling forwards slightly but Niall’s body was stopping me from going any further and as I turned around Harry and Louis were at our sides their arms slung around each other’s shoulders they were clearly pretty much out of their heads, but that wasn’t anything I hadn’t seen before. Pretty soon the room erupted into the countdown, I lifted my head from Niall’s chest to join in but I couldn’t shake the feeling of something not feeling right, it could have just been the alcohol, but I couldn’t figure it out.
3
2
1
I never heard the actually stating of the New Year after that as everyone erupted into cheers but it was all blurred to me and then as I absentmindedly kissed Niall back after he unsuspectingly smashed his lips to mine but as I leaned up further, over his shoulder I could see exactly why I could feel something wasn’t right. My sister was leant in the doorway staring back at me, and she was…crying? Pulling away from Niall it took him a few seconds to realise I had pulled away and he furrowed his brow at me pulling me closer to him.
“I’ll see you in a bit. I love you.”
I whispered into his ear and then pried myself from his grip as I started towards my sister who was rubbing at her eyes. But he pulled me back his arm snaking around my stomach and as always, he was too strong for me.
“Wh-Where you going?”
He questioned and I nodded towards my sister but I don’t think he even saw her as I slowly unwrapped myself from him.
“Ashl-“
But I was already breaching ear-shot, my sister shook her head at me as I pushed my way through the sea of bodies.
“No, go be with Niall.”
She told me as soon as I reached her. Now that I was up close I could see how much she had been crying, her eyes were puffy and blood shot and I could see where she had tried to wipe her make-up away but black circles were ringing her eyes.
“No, he’s fine. He’s drunk El, he won’t know any different. What’s happened? Why didn’t you ring me?”
“It wouldn’t go through.”
She choked, I still had no idea what the matter was and now as I looked behind me I could see Niall whispering to Louis, Louis was laughing whether as Niall was just looking rather bewildered as they said things into each other’s ears.
“Ash just go back to Niall, I’ll be fine.”
“Ellie he’s fine, he’s drunk and he doesn’t know half of what’s going on. And you’re not fine. What happened, was it Dad?”
I questioned although looking back every few seconds to check on Niall, I think he was being refused more drink by Liam, I may have to step in, in a minute. She burst out crying again and then flung her arms around me I absentmindedly hugged her back now Liam was mouthing something to me with his arm slung around Niall’s shoulder who was finding interest in the strings on his jacket. But then as Liam realised I was hugging someone he gave me a confused look, I just shook my head waving a hand dismissively to tell him to hang onto Niall for me.
“No.”
She told me and that actually quite shocked me, I had never seen her this upset before. She was practically trembling in my arms.
“What is it then?
I questioned keen to find out what it was so I could sort it out and then get back to taking care of my drunk boyfriend. She shook her head her tears subsiding as she sobered them up and then wiped at her eyes looking up at me.
“D-Don’t worry.”
“Go and wait upstairs.”
I told her and she walked away, trembling still.
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A/N.
hey hey hey
this is my confessional pen and paper I'm gonna write this...olly murs is a god okay
so now I won't be seeing you bitches until monday:( how am I gonna survive with no wifi, 3G is almost non existence at my nan's house like seriously if you're gonna have no wifi at least get good signal-__- I will still be tweeting pointless crap because that's how I roll cus I know you're all gonna miss the account of my day;)
lol I just really love most artists:L
but ellie goulding and pixie lott are my queens yes
so I guess I'll see you guys on monday, mwahaha I'm leaving you on a cliffhanger;) you can tweet me if you have something to tell me because you love me that much okay @PaintedWriting is my twitter brah
love you so muuch.
-Emily.