It's so much easier to act like none of this matters and to pretend to wear a smile than to confess my heart is nearly broken from losing someone who was never even mine ~ anonymous
Can we meet?
Why should we? It seems you don't like me or any of the others at all, so why should we meet?
We need to talk. And I could never not like you guys, don't think that.
Yeah, tell that to MJ who's pretty down and asking herself what she did to make you dislike us and diss us like that.
I'm sorry, okay? Please. Just one more time. If you decide not to forgive me and never see me again, I'll understand. Just... please.
The ellipsis appears, meaning Peter is typing back. It appears and disappears and I can just envision him, typing something and then erasing it all and restarting. He must be radiating so much annoyance at me, but this needs to be done. I think it's time. Everything has been so tense in the house, especially after the fight. It's the weekend now and Cam hasn't ratted me out... yet. But I need to meet Peter and tell him, no matter the consequences.
The beach in 10.
At least he's coming. I grab a jacket and leave the house before anyone notices I'm gone. Of all things to break the silence with, asking me where I'm off to is not what I'd be hoping for. My motorcycle engine revs, filling me up with adrenaline. I speed out of the driveway and onto the almost empty roads.
How on earth do you tell someone that the reason you're acting cold towards them is because you like them? I dart through the lanes, overtaking several of the cars. There seem to be no police in the perimeter which is a relief because we literally cannot afford for me to get a fine this time. And I don't think Mary will be here this time to make them forget about me.
For the first time ever, I wish for more traffic but there aren't any genies around to grant me any wishes so I arrive at the beach in less time than I imagined. I'm early. It's cold, freezing even, so it doesn't surprise me when the beach is empty excluding the single person standing on the sand, staring out into the ocean.
I don't bother to slide my shoes off and take the risk of having them filled with sand by walking onto the beach. Peter's hands are hidden away in the pockets of his jeans so I can't see them clenched and white. I appear by his side, but he doesn't divert his gaze.
The silence from the house has seemed to follow me out here. Waves crash against the shore, eating away at the land. It almost represents me eating away at peace and serenity in all of my relationships.
It's so uncomfortable. It's unbearable. To be trapped in a house with such tension and quietness and to have it brought out here? I break it by murmuring, "it's been hard."
"I know your life is hard, believe me. I, of all people, know what it's like to go through a hard time. But I've tried, we've all tried to be there for you and yet all you do is fight back at us!" he snaps, irritated.
A lump forms in my throat and I do my best to swallow it. "It's so much more than just what you know, Peter. Please," I beg him, "just let me explain."
He faces me, specks of fire burning in his pure brown eyes. He begins to shout, "what is there to possibly explain?! You are ice cold and I barely hear anything nice come out of your mouth! You always go on about how sad your life is, but you don't realize that some of us struggle too. I lost both of my parents and my uncle for God's sake, Raven! So please, enlighten me. Say something, explain it!"
Hearing him so angry, like this, makes me nervous. It's weird to see Peter in such a negative light. My mouth opens a little and I'm desperate to say something, anything. But it dries up and only a little croak comes out. He laughs harshly, "yeah. That's what I thought." He begins to walk off towards the stairs.
"Peter, you don't understand!" I call out after him, "if I say what I want to say, if I say the truth, it will change everything. And not just for you and me. For MJ and for Ned and for everyone. I don't know what would happen after, but someone is going to get their heartbroken and that's why I've been holding it back!"
He stops walking but doesn't turn back around. The wind begins to dishevel his hair and I sigh a breath of relief. He wants me to say it. Otherwise he would've kept walking. I gulp and force the words out of my mouth.
"Somebody I know once told me that I need to spill my heart out before I lose someone for good, no matter the consequences. So here goes..." I take a deep breath before forcing the words out of my mouth, "Peter Parker, I have fucking feelings for you and I'm not ashamed to say it."
He spins around and looks at me deadset in the eyes. His cool, brown eyes are now soft and warm. A silent tear slides down my cheek. He's never seen me cry. Imagine how weird it must seem for a strong, determined person like me to be caught crying like this.
"But I'm—"
I cut him off, "—you're with MJ, I know. She's my friend, I know. You're supposed to be my friend, I know. You're made for MJ, I know. But please. I need to tell you what's on my mind. Peter, I've only cared for four people in my life. Mom, my brother, dad and Cassie. I lost Cassie and now matter how much we try to make it the same, it will never be what it used to be. It seems like I've lost my mom and I'm never getting her back. And finally? No matter how much I loathe the idea of it, there's a chance I might lose my dad soon and who knows? One day, I might even lose my brother. With this attitude, I wouldn't be surprised if he just walks out on me now."
My voice breaks, but I fight the tears and continue to speak, "and now, I care about you. You have become a big part of my life and I don't want to lose you too. You're the first boy I've actually had feelings for and I have every reason in the world to back me up on why I do. No matter how hard the days are for me, it feels okay because I know you're here and even the sheer thought of you bring a smile to my face. And no matter what you do, whether you're with MJ or not, I'll still like you. Always. But once again, I understand why you wouldn't feel the same.
"I'm a mess and I always make everything negative, unlike you and I just suck overall. I'm a humiliation compared to you. You are so persistent and so resilient and you fight all of your feelings like you're a god or something. But me? I take it out on those dearest to me. But anyways, you have my heart in your hands and whether you break it or nurture it is up to you and I won't care. Because seeing you happy is the only thing that keeps me going. It's my number one priority. I said it before and I'll say it again. Peter Benjamin Parker, I have feelings for you. So there. Please, even if you don't like me back at least show me that you're worth my crying and worth my fighting."
I wipe at my cheeks desperately, fighting at how weak I must appear to be right now. I know this isn't a fairytale and this isn't a romance movie or story, but deep down, a glowing light of hope tells me that he will come right now and embrace me in his arms, planting his lips on mine, kissing me gently and we'll live our happily ever after as we run into the sunset. We can deal with MJ later. All I want in this moment is him and him only and I want for him to want me and me only.
But keep in mind, this isn't a romantic movie nor a story and happily ever afters don't exist, at least not in my life.
He stares at me in shock, still processing my words. "Please say something," I plead, choking on my words.
I take it back. I wish he never says anything. I wish he just leaves in silence without even uttering a single word to me.
Peter Parker, the first boy I've ever liked, closes his eyes, shielding me from the comfort I find in them, and mutters the words I'd wished against as a single tear falls from his eye. "If you love something, set it free. You need to let me go Raven," he whispers, "I'm sorry." With that, he turns his back on me, on himself, on us.
"You're not even going to try to prove you're worthy?!" I call out after him desperately, "don't go, Peter. Please, I'm begging of you. Stay! Prove you're worth it!"
It's as if he doesn't even hear me. He continues walking off. With every step he takes, he stomps on my heart and breaks it apart even more. My whole body feels heavy and tears flow down, making me feel like nothing. A big human body filled with nothing. Lonely and empty.
Every step takes more effort than it ever has as I make my way back home. The world feels cooler. I feel weaker. He chose her. Of course. I'm the other girl. The one trying to tear Romeo and Juliet apart.
I don't even want to drive on my stupid motorbike. Everything feels empty. Everything seems dark. For the first time, as I enter the house, I just want my mom. I want her to wrap me in her arms and get me through my first heartbreak. I clamber up the stairs and investigate all of the rooms.
"Mom? Cam?" I call out, my voice not sounding right. But I call to no one for no one answers back.
I pull out my phone and text her, where on earth are you?!
I drag my feet into my room where I collapse onto my bed and stare at my ceiling for what feels like hours.
Peter and I aren't meant to be. Even Ned had warned me from the beginning. It was him and MJ from the start. I just never accepted it. Instead, I just embarrassed myself and embarrassed Peter and I just want to curl up in a ball and die in a hole.
My phone vibrates and I pick it up to my mom's voice, "Raven?"
"Mom? Where are you?" I sniffle.
"Don't you mom, where are you me. You know, of all things, I never took my daughter as an idiot. Did you seriously think I wouldn't find out you were behind the thousands of missing dollars?! You caused such a huge deal between Phil and I and you should know that I am very disappointed in you!" she hisses.
Oh my God, she found out at the worst possible time. Come on, Cam... "Please, can we not discuss this now? I just need you. Where are you?" I cry. For once, I long to be in her arms and her telling me it's okay. The last time I remember her doing this is when I was twelve and broke my arm when I jumped off of the playground at school. She was there for me the entire time, from the ambulance to the hospital and throughout the entire recovery process, it was her. Dad was too busy with the lab to come and Cam was only young and despite how mad I was at her, it was her the was by my side.
"We're out at dinner," she replies worriedly, "are you crying? What's wrong?"
This crushes me even more. The three of them are out. For family dinner. Without me. At the time I need her most.
Tears well up in my eyes again and I sob, "the one time I need you, you're out on a family dinner. Without me. I hope you're happy."
"Are you alright?!" she asks.
I hiss, "I'm perfectly fine. Go enjoy a night out with your family."
"Raven—"
I hang up, not wanting to hear more from her disgusting voice. My phone rings again and I pick it up without even looking at the caller ID. "I told you to—"
I'm interrupted, "—Raven?"
"Rory," I sigh at her familiar voice, "sorry, I thought you were my mom." Her voice is shaky on the other end and she sniffles as well, "are you okay? What..."
My voice fades away as I automatically fear the worst.
"It's about your dad," she weeps, "I'm so, so, sorry, Raven. It was so random, out of nowhere! The doctors tried everything but..."
Her words is practically incoherent as they are spoken through her sobs, but I understand every single word. She keeps ranting and apologizing, but I block it out. Everything fades out, a faint ringing noise replacing any sounds I was hearing a moment ago.
Not many people suffer heartbreak twice in a day. But to suffer this kind of heartbreak ever? It's the worst feeling.
A part of you is gone. A part of you crumbles. A part of you dies. You feel like nothing will fix the numbness, the pain, the emptiness you feel.
First, the most perfect boy ever broke my heart and now... my dad is gone from my life forever.