Regret is a form of punishment itself ~ Nouman Ali Khan
After the bathroom reunion with Cassie, it feels as if everything is about to fall into place... if it weren't for the problems I still need to deal with. My eyes dart to my watch and the time tells me that I'm in dire need of getting my books. Class begins in a few minutes and I have nothing. The walk towards my locker feels shorter than it would have before the day began. It's only been twenty minutes and in that period, I kissed Flash and made up with my childhood best friend which was not exactly the morning I was expecting.
A large crowd has gathered around my locker bay. Cheerleaders can be seen watching the locker with envy, the nerds rolling their eyes and jocks hollering. Someone must have asked someone else out to the winter dance... and my guess is that it's some hot and popular guy who all the bratty girls adore. That would explain the looks on their caked faces.
Getting past them won't be easy, but it has to be done somehow. Football players tower over me at six foot something but I shove them out of my way with ease. The chattering in the area increases as I push past. Shit, what if something about the dare came up? is my immediate thought. But why would the cheerleaders be jealous of me getting teased? Maybe because I kissed Nate?
Never in a million years, would I have guessed what the fuss was about. Nate leans against the locker beside me, looking tired and almost dead. But what alarms me isn't what's near the locker, but what's on the locker. Rose petals and even whole roses are littered all over the door. A teddy bear holding a heart plush is somehow taped perfectly in the middle. That's not even the worst part. The worst part is the ripped out page from an exercise books with the words I'm sorry written with dark, bold letters.
As soon as he takes in my presence, Nate stands up taller and his face almost... lightens up. "Raven," he says breathlessly.
His voice fills every nook and cranny of me with fury. I stare at the door in shock, trying to process what he's done. Then, comes my Raven-like act. My hands claw at every single rose and every single petal, ripping them off. The crowd gasps, but Nate watches me, his lips pressed together. He radiates guilt, but I don't let that stop me. The teddy bear is strongly taped on there so it takes a few tugs to get that one off, but the best is saved for last. This time, I look at him dead in the eyes as I yank the piece of paper. I quickly rip it to shreds, each little piece falling at my feet. One quick stomp over the top of them and my tantrum is finished.
"No you're not," I hiss and slam my locker door open. No one moves a muscle except for me. The crowd's breaths are heavy and frightened. They're still here, judging me for attacking Nate Porter even if he betrayed my trust. I turn around to face them all and shout out, "leave! All of you just leave! Go pry in someone else's life!" None of them disobey. They scatter instantly like rodents, clearly intimidated by me. Nate isn't. He goes back to resting his head against the cool metal. "That includes you," I snap.
He chews on his lip and looks at the ceiling. This irritating stand-off lasts for a whole few seconds before he gives in. Nate sighs and mutters, "I can't stop you from hating me, but I really am sorry." He walks off. I shove my head inside of my locker, hiding any distress that's currently present on my face.
I'm a mess. A literal mess.
Break comes faster than I could wish for. My arms rest at the table of a different bench to the one that the four of us usually sit us. My back faces the entrance and I sit in the corner, hoping that they won't notice me. I just need time to heal, process, recover and most importantly, think.
But much to my dismay, my raven black hair seems to stand out among the others. The three of them slide into the seats opposite to me with ease, Peter directly in front of me me and MJ practically glued to his side. "Hey Raven!" he beams, "we were just talking about the winter dance."
"You're going to that right? Please don't leave me alone with these two dorks," MJ begs jokingly, rolling her eyes.
Peter mocks being hurt, placing his hand on his heart, "well you're dating this dork!"
She shakes her head admittedly. I bite my tongue from saying anything. "Well?" Ned adds in, "surely you're coming."
"I don't think so," I mutter.
All three of them stare in shock as I continue trying to eat my yogurt in peace. "What?!" Peter shrieks, "why not?!"
Because I like you and it would hurt to see you take her as your date.
I merely shrug, "this just isn't my scene I suppose."
"And you think this is MJ's scene?!" Ned retorts. MJ's eyes widen at me, implying that she agrees with him.
"Well MJ has a date doesn't she?" I reply bitterly.
None of them seem to take any notice. "I mean, I'm also taking someone, but we're just going as a group of friends!" Ned uses wild hand gestures to emphasize his point.
Michelle and Peter shoot bullets at him, probably assuming that this revelation will push me away from the idea of going even more... and they're right.
"We will find you someone if that's what it takes to make you come," MJ suggests even though deep down, she surely knows it won't work.
"Find me someone but I won't care because it won't change my mind. Dances are stupid, dressing up is stupid and relationships are stupid. Every couple, every relationship is stupid!" I burst out, leaving myself panting. My job was to fix the awkwardness between us, but I think I've made it even worse.
The happy couple here exchange sad faces and I regret saying anything. Every time I try to fix something, I almost always eff it up entirely. It pains me to imagine what words could leave my mouth next time I open it. The tension on this bench in the back corner of the cafeteria is so thick, it can be sliced with a knife.
"Excuse me," I blurt out suddenly, leaving them and their gaping faces at the table.
The house has never felt so soothing to be in. It's away from everybody who I have things to sort out with and it's... quiet. That's strange. Cam should be playing on his Xbox and mom should be cooking in the kitchen and Phil should be mowing the front lawn or watching TV. This is eerily quiet. My new gun is now in the waistband of my pants and I lift up the hem of my top defensively. No sound comes from my footsteps, the only audible thing being the creaking of the floorboards and my heart beating against my chest rhythmically.
Someone is here. Whoever that someone is, I won't want them he--
"Raven."
A scream escapes my lips and I jump at the sound. When I turn around, it's only Phil. The part about not wanting them here now makes sense. "Oh," I attempt to try and catch my breath again, "where's mom and Cam?"
He seems taken aback from my question for a moment for whatever reason. "Y-y-your brother is u-u-upstairs in his r-r-room and your m-m-mom is... out," he stammers.
I cock my head, "out where?"
He throws his hands up in frustration. "She expects so much from me, yet she won't believe my loyalty! She just storms out without letting me explain that she's mistaken. She's that stubborn goddamnit!" he blurts.
When he sees my shaken expression, he slaps his hand to his mouth and apologizes profusely before turning and running upstairs. The door to their room slams shut, sending tremors through the ground. My head falls against the wall. So mom and Phil had a fight and now she's AWOL and he's on edge. Heavy footsteps pound against the stairs. I lift my head up to see Cam with a worried look. "What happened with the--" I begin, but he picks up my hand and drags me towards the kitchen, away from Phil which cuts me off.
"What happened?!" I shout quietly.
Cam seems just as frantic as Phil was, "I don't know! Phil came and picked me up from school and then we came home and mom just started yelling at him. I got scared and just ran upstairs to my room. I tried to listen to what they are saying and--"
I cut in, "--and what?! What did you hear?!"
"I don't know! I just heard something about money going missing or something... maybe something about her bank account?"
Shit.
I caused the argument between the two of them. Not just any argument, but maybe even the argument. No matter how much Phil bothers me sometimes, I can't help but feel the big pit of guilt sitting in my stomach right now. If they break up, I would never forgive myself.
My ringtone sounds from my pocket. "Is it mom?!" Cam asks hopefully and desperately at the same time.
I shake my head, hating to disappoint him, "no, it's dad."
"Oh," he sighs, "is he okay?"
"I think so. Let me take this, it could be important," I tell him. He nods but sits on the bar stool, eager to hear our conversation.
I pick up and open my mouth, wanting to be the one who says the first words, but he gets in. "Mariposa Garcia!" he barks into the phone.
I wince, "after you get your chemotherapy, please remember to pay for my eardrum recovery. What's up, dad?"
He hisses, "now is not the time for games!"
"But it's the time to break your daughter's ears, is it? Please, lower your voice. What is--"
"--what is wrong is that I know you gave the money to Rory!" he shouts. Well that's another issue that has arisen. "Where the hell did you get that much money from? Is it illegal? Did you- did you tell your mother?!"
I gulp and speak with a hushed voice, "dad. It's not illegal and I didn't tell mom. I love you, okay. I just want you to stay alive. I don't want you to die."
"And you think I, of everyone, have a death wish stamped on my forehead?! I don't want to leave this earth yet, but I don't want you to suffer while I live on. So let me ask you again," he is so, so, so mad, "where. Did. You. Get. The. Money. From?"
Cam stares at me with intent eyes, wanting to know why his big, strong sister is looking like a coward right now, why she looks like she has a death wish. He's going to hate me for this. "Mom's bank account," I mutter.
His face falls, his brow furrowing in confusion and disbelief.
"You what?" dad growls.
"I took the money from mom's bank account without her knowing, alright?!" my voice raises now, "she doesn't know, but she and Phil got into a fight and it's my fault. It's my fault for not wanting my dad to die, right?"
Cam looks on in shock and... disappointment. I'm the failed big sister. "I'm sending the money back. You take it back," dad orders.
"Damnit dad! How else are you going to get this money? When she finds out, mom will understa--"
"--see, that's just the thing though. She won't find out. You hear me?"
Cam shakes his head with frustration and follows Phil upstairs. Dad mumbles something else, but I hang up on him, not wanting to continue this now. "Cam!" I call out after him. By the time I'm outside his door, it's locked. Solving things with Cassie didn't seem to solve things with anyone else.