after the park i spent the night and i can gladly say that there was lots of cuddling. which is weird because me and zayn were never really like that. now that i think about it we have gotten closer. well at least i think so. but i like it so I'm not complaining.
i made sure to text my mom and tell her that i was with zayn. not that she cared, all she said was not home, at a meeting but i'll let your father know x. then again i didn't even expect a reply. but shes at a meeting meaning she wont be home, meaning i'll have to be alone with him...
"can i... spend the night again?" i ask zayn hesitantly. we were watching a movie-well he was. i spaced off half way and i just now noticed its about to end. great. but at least I'm with zayn. sitting pretty close might i add.
"uh sure why not" he smiles putting his arm loosely around me. i stiffened for a second and he gave me a look but i just looked down at my lap.
"uh liam can i ask you something?" zayn says hesitantly and i just nod.
"why do you sometimes...why-sometimes you have like.. bruises and.. stuff" he says quietly and im pretty sure im about to collapse. what do i say? what do i do? how do you breathe again?
"u-uh z-z-zayn i-i no.. no i-i no i cant no" what do i say?! i cant tell him i cant.
and suddenly im outside..
suddenly i feel my cheeks wet..
suddenly i feel my chest tighten..
suddenly i let out a heart wrenching sob because he cant know! he cant he cant he CANT!
"LIAM!" i hear zayn scream and i find myself on the ground, him on top of me.
"liam what the fuck" he cries holding me tightly pressing kisses to my cheek.
"what?" i asked confused. man i really need help. i really really need help.
and its not just that easy. i know i need help. i need a lot but.. its hard. its so damn hard and right now i feel like just crumbling.. i can literally feel myself cracking and i don't like that. i don't like how weak and vulnerable I've become. I'm loosing control of myself and.. its so hard i don't know anymore. i don't know who i am anymore..
"i-i-im sorry" i sob suddenly this horrible feeling is intensifying. why? why does this always happen. i always have these breakdowns but usually I'm alone and right now that I'm with zayn i honestly don't know.. i feel like shit and its getting harder to breathe.
i've never had someone like zayn help me or show some type of concern for me and its diffrent but maybe its ok. i still have these doubts in my head because what if zayn leaves? what will i do then. sure i'll have lou and harry and niall but thats not enough.
"i cant zayn i cant it hurts" its worse than hurting i feel like im lying to my brothers. because thats what these 4 boys are to me now. brothers. bestfriends. maybe i'd like to be something more with one of them. i need to get help first but i don't know where to start.
baby steps liam baby steps
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I'm nervous.. why? i have no idea. after what happened at zayns i just feel nervous all the time. i feel like maybe if zayn noticed then maybe the other will.. then maybe they'll say something. i cant handle that.
"hey li-"
"AH!" i yell loudly effectively cutting the other person off. i cover my mouth instantly feeling embarrassed i can literally feel myself shaking with embarrassment.
"calm down Li" niall says putting his hands on my shoulders to steady me.
"s-sorry i just sort of uh dozed off" i said awkwardly scratching the back of my neck. ugh that was embarrassing seriously whats wrong with me.. oh wait.
"its fine mate how you been?" he asks casually slinging an arm around my shoulders making me relax slightly. that's the thing about niall. hes so carefree and all smiles. his presence can literally make you happy and that's why i love him. i know its nothing but brotherly love.. well from my part anyways but he really is a great person.
"fine just a little tired but.. I'm okay" i smile softly at him hoping he doesn't ask.
"great so lou and i were talking about zayn's party and we wanted to ask you some stuff" he says leading me over to where louis and harry are down the hall. i just nod as we walk.
i hope this doesn't turn to shit
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[i was going to see the boys on the 11th but now i cant ISDCNISDFCWDRKFUVHFNH IM CRYUING SO HARFD WHY?????]