Thank you for the amazing new cover for this book ❤️❤️❤️ @Strifeex
Nicolae and I sat in silence as we waited for the ultrasound technician. I forced my irritation down because I didn't want to be mad at Nicolae. Not when we were about to actually see the baby. I was already terrified. I didn't need to be pissed off on top of that.
A doctor and a tech came into the room wheeling a giant machine. I wasn't sure what it was about seeing the machine that made me more nervous. Maybe it was the fact that they were going to confirm the pregnancy. Confirming made it real. In the back of my mind, I really was nervous about miscarrying. I wasn't sure why it was such a fear of mine, but it was.
"I'm Doctor Smith and I'll be performing your ultrasound today," the middle-aged man smiled. "I'll warn you. Being this early in your pregnancy, there's a chance we won't be able to pick up a heartbeat which is completely normal."
I nodded, completely unable to use my words. I was terrified of seeing a baby. My baby.
"Go ahead and lay back for me," he said as he switched on the monitor. "Normally we would do a vaginal ultrasound this early, but our machine is out of commission."
I didn't even know that was a thing. All the movies ever showed were a happy couple fawning over a monitor. Instead, the room was heavy and my secretive fiancé sat silently next to me.
The doctor spread gel on my stomach and pressed the wand down. He watched the monitor as he moved the wand around. He worked to keep his face neutral, but I saw a flicker of something cross his eyes.
"How far along did you say you were?" He asked.
"Uh, I'm not really sure. I mean, the most it would be is five or six weeks."
He grunted a response and continued his search.
He let out a sigh and turned the screen towards us.
"You see that right there?" He asked as he pointed to a small circle. "You have what is called a blighted ovum. It's where a fertilized egg implants where it should, but for some reason doesn't continue to grow."
I didn't understand. So I wasn't pregnant?
"It's a common cause for miscarriage. I'm very sorry."
"So, I'm not pregnant?" I asked carefully.
"Well, no. Not anymore. We have a couple options. We can either try to let your body pass the tissue naturally or we can do a D&C."
I shook my head. "I don't want that done."
"Okay," the doctor said softly. "When you two get home, set up an appointment with your OB. Let them know what happened and in a couple cycles you can usually try again."
I nodded numbly. I never wanted to be pregnant, but somehow the loss of what I thought I had was a swift kick in the gut.
"I don't understand. Are you sure? I've had all the symptoms."
"Your body is still producing pregnancy hormones because it still thinks your pregnant. Your levels will go back to normal in a few weeks."
I stayed silent at his explanation. My stomach sank at the realization I wasn't having a baby.
"I'll send a nurse in with discharge paperwork."
With that, he left us alone.
My eyes fell to Nicolae who wasn't paying attention to me at all. I couldn't imagine what was going through his mind. I hated to admit that part of me was a little relieved. I felt like the worst person in the world for being relieved when he was so clearly upset. I knew it was something he wanted and welcomed with open arms. And maybe someday I would want and welcome a pregnancy too, but I wasn't ready.
"Nico," I started.
His attention turned to me, but all traces of emotion were wiped from his expression.
"I'm sorry," I whispered.
"It's not your fault," he assured me. "It's mine. Clearly."
I shook my head. "It's no one's fault. These things happen."
He didn't respond. In that moment, I realized how much he wanted me to be pregnant. I knew he was happy about it, but I didn't realize how much he wanted it.
I chewed on my lip. "This doesn't change how I feel about you," I said quietly. "I still want to be with you."
He offered a weak smile and nodded. "Let's get out of the country before we go down that road."
Something in the way he said it was off. I didn't believe for one second we were going to "go down that road" ever. I had a strong suspicion he was never going to bring it up again.
A thought crept into my mind and planted itself; what if he left me over this?
The longer the silence carried between us, my palms started to sweat and my heart raced. I felt utterly out of control of the situation. I could practically see him closing off as he sat there.
"Nicolae," I said trying to get his attention.
A nurse walked in the room wheeling a computer with her.
"Holland Cuza?" She asked.
I swallowed hard and nodded in response.
"I just need a few signatures and you'll be on your way."
She asked a few basic questions and had me sign some forms before telling me we were free to go.
I didn't want to leave that room until I knew for sure where Nicolae and I stood. I didn't want to be pregnant and I was glad I wasn't, but part of me was still sad about the loss. I couldn't lose Nicolae too.
When the nurse left, Nicolae handed me my clothes and went to leave the room.
"This conversation can't wait," I blurted.
He turned. His dark eyes met mine for a moment.
"What do you want from me, Holland?"
"Did you only want to be with me because I was pregnant?" I asked.
He sighed. "I wanted to be with you because I love you. I was going to marry you because you were pregnant."
"Wanted?" I pressed.
"You should be with someone that can give you everything you deserve."
"And suddenly that's not you?" I challenged.
"Holland-"
"You're being fucking ridiculous," I seethed. "This could have happened to anyone."
"It has happened with me twice. Two different women, Holland. I think the common denominator here is me."
"You have shitty luck. I'll give you that, but don't stand there and tell me what I deserve. I know what I want and I know what I deserve and that's you."
"Why don't you think about it. We have a long flight ahead of us."
I tugged my pants on probably with more force than necessary. I ripped the ties loose on my back and crumpled the gown up in favor of my shirt.
"No. I'm done thinking about it and I'm done with you pushing me away."
He didn't look the least bit surprised by my rant. I snatched up my paperwork off the bed and walked over to shove it in his hands. I grabbed his leather jacket off the chair and slipped it over my sore shoulders.
"If you're going to break up with me, you better do it because you don't like me anymore. Do you dislike me now?"
He rolled his eyes. "I love you, Holland."
"Then stop it. I wasn't ready to be a mother. When we do have kids, it'll be because we want to have them. Because we're both ready."
"And what if we're not able to?"
"Then we won't have any."
"Simple as that?" He asked.
"Yes. The way I feel about you is something I've never experienced before. I won't lose that."
He nodded absently as he looked me over.
"So can we go now before the American government tries to kill us again?"
He let out a light laugh and wrapped his arm around my shoulders, leading me out of the room and towards the exit sign.
"I love you, Holland."
"I love you too."