Prince Harry
Anmer Hall - December 23, 2017
Meg and I were staying in a spare bedroom at Anmer Hall, William and Catherine's home on the Sandringham estate. We arrived late Friday afternoon and had a relaxed evening with Will's family. We were all scheduled to have tea with Granny Saturday evening, and by that afternoon I was mad for a walk and some time with my brother.
After lunch everyone gravitated to the family room, which was full of soft, kid-friendly furniture and cozy from the fireplace. As soon as Meg settled on a small sofa, and before she could start looking round for me, I said, "I think I'm keen for a bit of walk." Looking pointedly at Will I said, "Care to join me?"
Meg immediately stood up. "Oh! Let me get my coat—"
I waved her away with a smile. "You stay here and chat with Catherine. It's blustery out there. No need for you to go out now."
She didn't take the hint. Her brow furrowed. "I've been through several Toronto winters. I think I can handle a bit of bluster."
Catherine saw my face and saved the day. Sometimes I thought she knew me better than Meg did. "Oh, let the boys go off and have a bit of a catch-up. It's so windy out there today. Besides, I want to hear all your wedding plans. It's such a production, trying to plan a wedding that will make all the families and the public happy and still have a bit of what you want!"
I gave Catherine a grateful smile and grabbed my shooting jacket, already hanging by the door. Will masterfully distracted the children, promising them pony rides with Gran before tea, and followed me outside.
It was a chilly gray day, and the breeze was refreshing. I felt my thoughts and emotions clear, like they always do when I am outside, and we walked on in silence until Will said "What's up? Seems like you wanted to get out of there pretty badly. The kids getting to you?"
I laughed. "Those two? Never. You know how much I like playing with them."
Will nodded. "So is it Meg then? I've noticed a little tension between the two of you. Or rather, you're tense."
After all these years, Will still knew me better than anyone else. We spent so much time together after our mum passed, bonded together by our grief and and anger at our father for driving her away. I sighed heavily and asked, "Is it obvious?"
"To me, yes. Perhaps a bit to Catherine. And Gran may notice. What's going on? You two have a row? I thought she'd be happy to be here after all her hints."
"Oh, she's happy."
Will stopped and gave me a long look. "If you've got something to say, best come out with it. We can't stay away long and you might not get another chance."
I knew that. It was just saying the words, bringing them out of my thoughts and making them real by speaking them aloud, that was the difficulty. "I'm not sure I can go through with the wedding."
Once the words were released, I suddenly felt lighter. Freer. I gave Will a half-hearted smile.
"Well, that's not what I expected," Will said. We started walking again, and he continued, "Although truthfully, I'm not surprised."
"Seriously?"
"No." He turned to me. "She's not your usual type. To me it feels like she's the one you think you ought to be in love with, because that's what will make everyone else happy. You think she's going to be able to handle the life and the pressure."
"Exactly!
"How long have you been feeling like this?" he asked.
It was such a relief to discuss the untouchable subject. "A while now. A few months. But more strongly since—"
"Since?" Will prompted.
And I hesitated again. How far was I willing to go? Did I dare tell him everything? And if not Will, who could I talk it over with?
"Since I met...someone else."
"Oh." Will drew the word out. "Well, that complicates things, doesn't it?"
"You've no idea."
He laughed. "Oh, I've an idea. So what are you going to do about all this?"
My steps slowed. "I don't know. Everything seems impossible."
Will gave me an encouraging smile. "It's never impossible. Just very difficult. What's she like?"
"Sam?" I stared off at the distant trees and thought if Sam were staying at Anmer with me, we'd probably have been off early in the morning, galloping across the estate, maybe hiding in the little copses to steal a kiss. "I've not really had time to get to know her too well just yet. But she's...down to earth. Funny. A little rough around the edges. Very outdoorsy. Very...comfortable."
"Ah," Will said, and again he lengthened the word. "So you haven't known her long enough to know, for sure, if she's the one."
"No. And I've really no way of finding out, without..." I balled my fists. "I don't want to be like Dad!" I burst out. "I don't want to be a man who sneaks around and tells lies about his whereabouts and lives two separate lives. I've seen—we've seen—what that can do. How it destroys people. Families. Lives."
"So you're going to give this earthy girl—who sounds very much like you, by the way—you're going to give her up and be happy marrying Meg?"
"No!" I said, too quickly. "I can't. Not...yet. Not until I know. For sure. If she's the one."
Will nodded but was silent a long time, also staring off at the trees. "You also have to remember," he said slowly, "that one of Dad's mistakes was in marrying someone he didn't love to begin with."
I started to leap to my mum's defense, hot words boiling up in me, but Will quieted me with a hand. "You know it. We all know it. Mummy loved Dad but he didn't love her. He loved Camilla, and always had. But she wouldn't marry the Prince of Wales and so he married someone else, the one everyone else wanted him to marry. He thought it would be okay, that he would learn to love Mum in time. But he never really did."
Now Will turned to face me, and he was more serious than I could remember seeing him in a long time. "If you're asking my advice—and even if you're not—here it is. Don't do what Dad did. Don't marry Meg if you can't love her and be happy with her, if you don't think you can stand being there for years and years and having children. Don't marry her if you're not absolutely, positively convinced she's the one—the only one. Breaking it off now may seem like a nightmare, but it will be so much easier if you do it now rather than waiting to see if it will get better."
And then, almost as an afterthought, he added, "Besides, Catherine really doesn't like Meg."