this is so long omg im sorry
+
"So how was your day before I turned up?"
I glanced at Harry to see him pulling himself up onto the counter whilst I counted the second tills change out and I shrugged as I tapped the number on the screen.
"It was good."
I was still nervous around Harry but I couldn't deny that there was something about him. "We had a staff meeting this morning." I don't know why I told him that.
"Oh yeh'? What did you talk about? Do you guys still open at eight thirty?" Harry rattled off several questions with a pleasant smile on his face and I could tell that he was happy I was engaging somewhat.
"Just the usual, Christmas really. When I can decorate, when we're going to start the Christmas drinks and food." I shrugged, "And yeah we do why?" I asked referring to our opening time as I waited for the till print out.
"What time was your meeting?" Harry asked.
"Seven thirty."
"Fuck that's early, I was still asleep then." Harry laughed and I bit my lip to conceal my smile as I signed my name on the bottom and folded the paper. "You decorate for Christmas?"
I nodded as I made my way into the office, Harry following close behind me and I swallowed thickly. I wasn't used to this much attention and I couldn't help but like it.
"I love Christmas and I'm the only one out of the four of us who can cut the paper snowflake chains." I explained as I pulled my jacket on and looked up at Harry who was smiling with his bottom lip under his teeth.
"Ready?" I nodded at his question and followed him down the café, flicking the lights off as we walked before turning on the alarm and locking the door behind me.
I was glad it had stopped raining, the weather forecast had been right this morning but it had been wrong when it said the rain was going to hang around all day. It was cold but dry and I could handle that.
"M'parked across the road." Harry spoke as I walked beside him and I just nodded as he neared the curb and I stepped out towards the car I had only been in once.
I flinched as a loud car horn sounded and I glanced over my shoulder as a car passed me standing beside the passenger door of Harry's car.
"Fucking hell May!"
Harry swore loudly making me frown and swallow tightly as he crossed the road, his eyes boring into my own as he walked. I was confused and something in my stomach told me agreeing to hang out was a bad idea.
"You need to check the road before you cross!" Harry scolded and I looked at him confused as he pulled the car door open and I did the same, my eyes drifting to a large dark brown shearling coat crumpled up on the passenger seat.
"Just throw that in the back." Harry muttered rubbing his jaw and I picked it up carefully as I got into the car and twisted over the centre console to gently put his jacket on the backseat before I settled back into the seat, letting the warm air soothe my face.
"May."
If the car hadn't been silent I wouldn't have heard him but I still turned to look at him, chewing my bottom lip as I waited for him to speak again. I was nervous. Very nervous.
"You nearly just got hit by a car."
Harry spoke slowly and I looked at him, blinking a couple of times as I waited to see if he was going to expand on his statement. I was still confused, I was fine?
"It was nowhere near me."
I shook my head when I realised he wasn't going to speak again and I swallowed as I became aware of the atmosphere between the two of us. Maybe I should just get out and tell him I can't hang out.
"How would you even know? You didn't even look before stepping out!"
Harry punched the steering wheel as he spoke and I flinched away, my shoulder hitting the cold glass as I stared wide eyed at him, fear clutching my heart.
"I'm sorry." I said immediately, knowing that it was only a matter of time until he hit me for being stupid and I would deserve it, I put myself in this stupid situation with him in his car. No one even knew where I was. No one would know what would happen to me.
"I should... go...I should go." I finally said quietly as I tried not to let my fear show or my bottom lip shake and I heard Harry suck in a harsh breath beside me.
"No, May." Harry rushed out and I risked flicking my eyes towards him to see him looking at me, frowning again. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you but your lack of care about your safety scared me."
This time I was frowning as I rested my hand on the cold metal of the door handle, I didn't say anything in response to his statement. He had apologised to me? I licked my lips as we sat there, I couldn't understand why he apologised, he wasn't the one in the wrong.
"Please don't go."
I stared at Harry who was still looking at me and I realised my hand was still on the door handle and I let go of it. I didn't know what was going on but the way he'd asked me not to leave was enough to get me to stay.
"What do you want to do?" Harry asked after a long pause of silence, a pause that had included me sat staring at my feet listening to Harry take several deep breaths. I thought about his question for a few moments before realising I didn't know.
I shrugged knowing he was looking at me because I could feel his gaze. I didn't know what to do because I was never in this situation. "Whatever you would like to do." I told him politely and I saw him squeeze his eyes shut.
"We could get food, or go to your house or we could go to the cinema." Harry suggested a couple of things and I chewed my lip. "The possibilities are endless." This time was he teasing and I gave him a small smile in response to his smirk.
"Uh we could go to mine? I can cook if you're hungry." I suggested without thinking, my eyes widening as I looked at Harry in a panic. "I mean if you want to, I don't want to take over and bore you." I mumbled.
"You'd cook for us?" Harry asked and I didn't miss the use of the word us.
It was just a word and a word that meant more than one person. It literally didn't have any other meaning, I didn't know why my heart thudded so much at its use.
"I like cooking." I admitted shyly, licking my lips and avoiding his eye.
"Really?" Harry asked just as he pulled away from the curb and I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. "I'm a shit cook and usually just get a take away."
"Yeah I really enjoy it, I'm usually the one who cooks for Mum and me." I paused to lick my lips, there was something about Harry that made me want to talk. "I'm not very good at it either actually, Tommy hates anything I cook."
I chewed my lip as the car grew silent and I saw Harry's hand tighten on the steering wheel several times over and I swallowed thickly.
"I'm sorry." I blurted, knowing I had done something wrong again. "I'm not used to this." I explained lamely.
"You don't have anything to apologise for. You're not used to what?" Harry asked and I saw him glance at me before frowning and looking away, only to repeat his actions several seconds later.
"Please put your seatbelt on May."
I glanced down at myself before reaching up and pulling it across me and clicked it into place. I hadn't even realised. I licked my lips as I remembered Harry had asked me a question and I shut my eyes briefly before reopening them.
"I'm not used to spending time with people. I only, um, I only spend time with Tommy or my Mum." I admitted cringing as Harry turned into my road and I couldn't help but feel a small sense of relief as I realised I was almost home.
At least I hoped I would be safe at home, not that I knew what Harry's intentions were but if it came down to it; at least I knew where the knives were kept.
Harry didn't say anything as he pulled up directly outside my house and I wondered if I had put him off, maybe that was a good thing. Maybe now he'd realise how boring and lame I was and would know that he didn't want to be my friend.
"I only ever hang out with Niall or Louis so this different for me too." Harry spoke as he turned the car off and I raised an eyebrow at him. "Intelligent conversation." He stated and I couldn't help but laugh.
It felt nice laughing, I felt like I hadn't laughed in a long time until I remembered how ugly my laugh actually was and I stopped immediately, my face heating in embarrassment.
"You have a nice laugh."
I snapped my eyes to Harry just as I caught movement in the front garden next to my house from the corner of my eye and I ignored it for a moment. Harry's words brought back the memory of him calling me pretty on Saturday night and my face just got hotter.
"Can I ask you a question?" I suddenly asked.
"Of course you can, but that's another condition." Harry paused and I looked at him, worried. "Stop asking me if you ask me a question. You don't have to ask, this isn't school. Just ask it, I don't mind and in fact I really rather like when you ask me things."
I felt like a tomato when Harry had finished talking, I was annoying him.
"Now what's your question?" Harry asked and I glanced out the window to see Mrs Baxter from next door in her front garden eyes trained on Harry's car and I fidgeted.
Of course she'd have to choose now to make an appearance.
"How drunk were you on Saturday night?"
"Not at all. Why?"
I paled at Harry's answer, he hadn't been drunk? Had he been fully aware of what was going on and in control of his words? The thought made me wanna hide my face as I remembered how I'd obsessed over the small compliment he'd given me.
"No reason." I chickened out from explaining any further and looked at Harry who had an eyebrow raised and I just shrugged. "How's your hand?" I asked, changing the subject slightly watching as Harry shrugged this time and held his out towards me.
I took a hold of it lightly ignoring how it warmed my skin immediately and made my heart thud in my chest as I brought it closer to my face, difficult to see in the evening gloom.
Light flooded the car suddenly and I glanced up in confusion to see Harry had pressed the light on sending me a smile and I moved my eyes back to his hand before nodding and letting go of it.
"Who is that old woman and why is she staring at me?" Harry asked pointing out the windscreen at Mrs Baxter and I paled as I batted his hand away, forgetting myself.
"Don't point at her, she has eyes like a hawk." I mumbled making Harry laugh.
"Should I go and introduce myself?"
I shook my head immediately at his suggestion, the thought made me want to die. "She's the worst," I admitted. "She's somehow the biggest gossip and the biggest prude at the same time." I chewed my lip as Harry listened.
"Why's she staring at us then?"
"Because you're not my boyfriend."
"I could be."
I stared at Harry who just grinned and shrugged at me, his finger nudging my cheek as I stared at him in confusion. What the hell had just happened. Why would he say that?
It was pretty fucking obvious that I was in a relationship and Harry told me he wanted to be friends and that was not a friendship making statement.
"C'mon. I wanna taste your incredible cooking."
Harry had changed the subject and was out of the car before I'd even processed his statement and I sucked my bottom lip under my teeth as my door was pulled open to see Harry standing there waiting for me.
I had to admit, it was a interesting statement to think about.
"Sorry." I mumbled as I climbed out and rifled through my bag in search for my house keys, aware of Mrs Baxter pretending to be busy in her garden.
"Hello May."
I cringed as I reached the porch and turned to face the old woman over the small wall separating our gardens. "Good evening Mrs Baxter." I replied politely, aware of Harry close behind me.
I saw her mouth open again just as I shoved the door open and I quickly reached out to grip Harry's wrist and tug him in behind me, slamming the door before she could speak again. The dark hallway was silent until I heard Harry laugh and I shook my head as I smiled before turning on the light.
"Come on, the kitchens this way." I nodded my head for Harry to follow me down the hall, turning on the lights as we trailed through my dark house.
+
"This is a lovely house. You can tell it's lived in."
I glanced over my shoulder towards Harry who was stood leaning against the counter opposite me whilst I moved the chicken around in the frying pan, one of his hands wrapped around a mug. I hadn't expected that.
Tommy hated my house.
"Thank you." I said quietly, "I've lived here my entire life." I admitted as I sliced a couple of lemons.
"Really?" Harry asked and I just nodded as I pulled out a baking tray. "Can I help?" Harry asked and I glanced up at him and shook my head softly.
"I've got it under control." I smiled as I transferred the chicken to the pan and added the broth, butter, garlic and lemon slices before sliding it into the oven and set the timer for fifteen minutes.
"I really like these kind of houses."
"Townhouses?" I asked just to clarify watching as Harry nodded as I pulled myself up onto the counter.
"Yeh' they just seem so homey. I own a flat but it's the not same you know?" Harry told me and I just nodded as I listened, he was almost a rambler and it was cute.
"You own a flat? In Hampstead?" I couldn't help but ask, the surprise was clear in my voice and I felt my face heat as Harry smirked at me as he nodded, clearly being on the wrong side of the law paid.
"How'd yeh know where I live?" He asked and I chewed my lip as I shrugged.
"Louis told me. The night in the pub." I explained quietly.
I had to admit to myself that I was having fun, spending time with Harry was nice. I couldn't really explain it but there was something inside of me and maybe it was my hopefulness but I could feel the happiness in the kitchen.
"He's got a bloody big mouth." Harry muttered making me laugh without thinking about it. "I meant it when I said you have a nice laugh, you should laugh more." Harry added and I licked my lips.
"Did you like the skirt I was wearing on Saturday?" I blurted out, my face heating immediately.
Why did I ask that? Why was I so fucking stupid.
"Don't answer that." I snapped, harsher than I intended to before Harry even had a chance to reply and I cringed as Harry raised an eyebrow at me. Why did I have to let Tommy's stupid drunk words ruin my mood now? I'd spent enough time crying about it on Sunday.
Why did I have to fucking remember his words now. He was drunk, I doubted he even remembered what he said.
Drunk words are sober thoughts. I shook my head at the thought.
"May?" Harry asked and I looked up at him only to find him watching me with a frown on his face and I shook my head slowly. Silence covered the both of us as we looked at each other and I felt my heart speed up and slow down in the time period.
I jumped as the timer on the oven went off and I pushed myself off the counter, shaking my head at myself as I tried to rid the thoughts in my brain. I had a boyfriend. I shouldn't be enjoying Harry's company quite this much.
I had a boyfriend. A boyfriend who loved me when no one else did, when I was the fat teenager; a boyfriend who loved me enough to make me get healthier and lose the weight I needed to and here I was spending the night with someone who in this moment made me happier than he did.
I quickly and carefully served Harry's dinner, making sure I skilfully gave him a much bigger portion than myself and turned to face him with a hesitant smile as he took the plate off me and I followed him back into the dining room.
I pushed the chicken around my plate as he sat across from me, in the same chair I'd sat to eat my apple for breakfast this morning and I watched as he cut up his food before chewing and swallowing and I held my breath.
"This is fucking fantastic."
I let out the breath I was holding as Harry's face split into a wide grin and I couldn't stop from smiling back at him, granted it was nowhere near as big or beautiful but I still smiled at him.
"Was this the book you were reading?" Harry broke the silence after a few minutes of eating in silence and I enjoyed that our silences were comfortable. I really liked people who didn't feel the need to fill the space.
I glanced at the book Harry had picked up and nodded. I hadn't even realised I'd left it on the table this morning.
"Chernobyl: history of a tragedy." Harry read out the title as I finished off my dinner. "Any good?
"Yeah, really interesting actually. Very sad obviously but also really good. I'm nearly finished you can borrow it when I'm done if you'd like." I suggested without thinking about it too much.
"I'd like that." Harry nodded as he finished his dinner and I heard his phone buzz from under the table or at least I assumed it was his, mine was still in my bag somewhere. "You're interested in history?"
"Yeah." I nodded and I saw the look Harry gave me. "It was my favourite subject in school actually. I, uh, I'm interested in abandoned spaces and places." I added, the smile on his lips a welcome reward for talking to him more.
"Really? I didn't know that was a thing." Harry confessed and I nodded.
"Yeah it's a really big thing online! I can't really remember how I got into it but its sometimes referred to as urban exploration but its basically people who are also interested in abandoned and derelict places. There's a photography aspect to it as well."
"A lot of people break into places, so I suppose you'd be good at it." I raised an eyebrow as I finished talking, realising that I'd been rambling for a while and Harry just sat there and listened. He was probably bored.
"Oh yeh' why's that?"
"Aren't you generally on the wrong side of the law?" I clicked my tongue in humour watching as he smirked and ran a hand through his hair, my eyes following all of his movements without realising it.
"Depends on your definition of the law."
I shook my head at Harry who just laughed and I heard his phone buzz again, watching as his jaw clenched and he shot me an apologetic look before pulling his phone out and groaning.
"Are you okay?" I asked and I didn't miss the irony of me asking him that this time around.
"Yeah, just work." Harry rubbed his jaw and I finally worked out that it was his nervous habit and I couldn't deny that it was endearing. "I think I have to go." He frowned as he spoke and I licked my lips.
"Okay." I shrugged and Harry looked up at me, with an unreadable expression on his face.
"I don't want to." Harry spoke confidently and I wished I could be like him. I don't think I'd ever been a confident person but that was understandable. I wondered if Harry was always like this.
His words took mine away from me and I struggled to find something to say and for what felt like the hundredth time I was left without a response to something Harry had said.
"Thank you for spending time with me." Harry said and I looked at him as I chewed my bottom lip.
"I actually had fun." I admitted slowly. It was true, for the first time in what seemed like forever, I had actually had fun and enjoyed myself.
"Wow thanks for sounding so surprised." Harry rolled his eyes and I laughed.
"I didn't mean it like that." I protested, shifting on my chair so I could bring my leg up and rested my arms and head on my knee.
"I know May, I'm just teasing." Harry smiled and I swallowed thickly, my skin prickling. "I'm a fucking delight." He winked and I laughed again. Louder and longer.
"Thank you for dinner, you're a really good cook." Harry said as he stood and I followed immediately and I caught his smile at my actions. My face felt like a tomato at his compliment and I kept my eyes down.
"We're friends." I admitted quietly as we hovered in the hallway, I didn't want Harry to leave and the way Harry kept twisting one of his rings around filled me with a hope that he didn't want to either.
"We are?" Harry asked and I nodded slowly, I was nervous even though Harry was the one who told me that he wanted to be friends this afternoon. "Good."
I flinched backwards as Harry reached for me and I immediately felt guilty as Harry swallowed and I watched his adams apple bob up and down and I wished the ground would swallow me whole, into a black and bottomless hole.
"Don't apologise." Harry beat me to it and I licked my lips before tucking the bottom one into my mouth. "We'll work on it." He spoke confidently.
"Thank you for dinner, I'll see you soon?" Harry asked as he pulled the door open and I nodded without hesitation.
"Be careful at work." I said and Harry smiled as he gave me quick wave as he left and I watched as he got into his car and I waited at the threshold until he'd driven away.
I could feel the loneliness settling in on my skin as I cleaned up the kitchen, my phone still undisturbed in my bag as I busied myself trying not to dwell on things that would make me unhappy and ruin my good mood.
But as I waited for the shower to heat up to my preferred temperature I couldn't help the sadness weighing on me.
I'd had so much fun tonight, I'd for the first time in five years enjoyed myself with someone I could call a friend, a friend who I liked. But as I stared at myself in the mirror, the same bland eyes staring back at me, I couldn't stop the tears.
I'd been having fun tonight. So much fun in fact, my boyfriend had barely crossed my mind.