Chapter Ten - Emotional Support Pet
-
"If you're insecure, just say that," Niyah says from her bean bag after I explain my situation with Nick. She has on black sunglasses—inside the house because of her hangover. I know church wasn't easy for her to sit through this morning. Norah lies on Niyah's bed with me, seeming be to be recovered from her crazy Friday night. "I mean, he has to be because there's no other reason for him doing this."
I feel like a zombie today. I've put my phone on do not disturb to try to avoid checking it all day, scared of what will come from it. I've barely eaten, anxiety bubbling in my stomach and thoughts running wild.
Last night, after the kiss. . . Dylan and I had gone inside. We didn't talk about it. We tried to act normal—like nothing had happened and barely said a word all night—only subtle responses back and forth about whatever came up, like if he needed a trash can or water. But we knew we both felt awkward and tense. He slept on the blow up mattress like usual and I didn't fall asleep until three because I couldn't stop thinking.
I felt horrible inside. I felt like a cheater, like a liar. Regardless of my relationship status with Nick, it still felt dirty, considering Dylan is the reason we broke up. And I can't gauge if we're officially broken up or if he'll change his mind but I didn't mean for that to happen. I didn't expect Dylan to kiss me and for me to kiss him back and better yet—to like it. And as much as I hate to admit it—I really enjoyed kissing him. It almost felt. . . right even though it was wrong.
God. Fuck.
"You're right. You've given him no reason not to trust you," Norah comments and guilt pings inside me. I haven't told them about the kiss with Dylan and I don't exactly intend to. I'm scared of what they will say or how they will react.
"Don't let him make you choose," Niyah snaps. "He can fuck off with that. And the audacity after y'all just had sex too."
I gnaw at my bottom lip, feeling the dryness of them persist. God, I'm so anxious, I could throw up.
"Hey," Niyah says softly from across the room with a genuine look, noticing my state. "It's gonna be okay. He's not worth it if he makes you do this."
"Are you considering not talking to Dylan as much for him?" Norah asks me, hand rubbing my leg and I'm so grateful for her comfort but I wish she would stop because when I'm anxious like this, physical contact agitates me.
"I mean, no not really." I stand up and pace around the room for a second.
"Dude, hey it's okay. Calm down," Niyah says and I begin to cry.
"It's not okay. I feel like—I wish I didn't have sex with him just for him to do this—it feels like a waste," I whimper, putting a fist up to my mouth, stressing. This is what I was scared about. Regretting it.
"Lyd, listen, I know you and a lot of other people value who you have sex with but virginity really isn't real. Believe it or not but once you do it, it gets easier to do with other people. What? You think you're only gonna have sex with a few people in your whole lifetime?" Niyah states and she's so not wrong. I can't even argue. It makes me feel a bit better about that but nothing else.
"Right," I cry. "You're right. I just—it wasn't as good as I hoped. It didn't feel like I expected it to, you know? I'm just disappointed with the whole situation." I reach for my phone on the nightstand, willing myself to check it. What if Dylan needs me? His dad—we can't let this ruin our friendship right now.
"First times aren't supposed to be good or fun. It gets more fun the more you do it and experiment what you like," Niyah says. Norah listens intensively like usual. It's Niyah who has all the expertise with these things.
"I'm glad you're you," I tell her and she gives me a grin, adjusting her sunglasses on her face.
"Okay serious question though, how was his stroke game?" she questions and I laugh through my calming cry.
-
Sunday night I had cried and explained my situation to my mom because I couldn't stop feeling so horrible and needed some parental comfort. Sometimes when you talk with them, you can get a new perspective because they've experienced more. I left out the kiss with Dylan, of course. Again, I can't even imagine how she would feel about that or what she would even say back. But she basically told me the same thing Niyah did and that Nick shouldn't make me choose between him and my best friend.
The only thing now is that I have given him a reason to make me choose.
That night I don't talk to anyone. Nick hasn't texted or called. I know Dylan and I don't feel normal towards one another right now, so I think both of us are waiting on the other to reach out first. I hope he's okay. Again, I don't want him to go through that stuff with his dad alone. I just don't know what to do.
-
Monday, I drive myself to school and pick up the twins. They don't question why Dylan isn't driving us because they know I'm still not sure what my official decision is but really it's because of what happened between the two of us.
Dylan and I pass one another in the hallway, my heartbeat racing as we both exchange nervous smiles. It feels weird. Being like this with him.
In our two classes together, we say a few words to each other but it's filled with the same unspoken tension from Saturday. He looks tired, eyes dark and I probably look the same. I've been crying off and on since Saturday. I wonder how exactly he's feeling.
I don't eat much at lunch. I finally see Nick then and he barely glances my way as he sits with Reece and the rest of the football team. I'm sure people are wondering why we're not sitting by one another.
"Wanna come over and swim after school?" Niyah asks me from across the table, taking a bite from her green apple.
I nod, arms crossed over my chest as I stare down at the white table in front of me. I sense the look they both exchange to each other.
"You okay?" her and Norah both ask me.
I shrug. "I'm fine."
"He hasn't talked to you?" Norah asks.
I shake my head. "Nope."
"Fuck him," Niyah says bluntly.
"Niyah," Norah scolds. Fuck me.
-
"Heard the juiciest thing today," Norah says once she's in the water. She has her sunglasses on as she situates herself on the blue floaty and then reaches for her book that waits for her on the warm concrete.
"And what's that?" I question from the lay out chair. The sun is hot against my skin, sweat forming and I debate on getting in to cool off.
"Ambree has chlamydia," she spills and my mouth parts.
"How do you know for sure?" I question.
"What I heard from Naomi." She shrugs. Naomi is one of the school's biggest gossipers and the shitty part about it is, her information is usually right. And considering she is a close acquaintance of Ambree's then it can't be too far from the truth.
"Ew, that sucks," is all I say because I don't know what to even say. My mind involuntarily drifts to Dylan and her. If they happened to mess around, he should be informed.
"Hopefully Dylan used protection," Norah comments, her book covering her face and I frown.
"They had sex?" I inquire, feeling a clench inside my stomach. That's something I can't even think on.
"Uh," Norah hums, lowering her book slightly to look at me. "I think Niyah said she saw them leave together for a little bit Saturday at Taryn's and then they came back, so we presume something happened."
I bite at my lip, jealously coursing through me. I'm such a hypocrite now. Why do I care? Why? I literally had sex with Nick.
I think about texting Dylan to let him know just in case but I'm afraid of what will be revealed between the two. I think I'd rather not know.
Curious and concerned, our kiss makes me ask, "You can't get chlamydia in your mouth, can you?"
"Um," she thinks, eyebrows furrowed. "I think I've heard you can get it in your throat actually."
My eyes widen. "God, the sex education system has failed us."
Norah reaches for her phone lying on her towel. After a few seconds, she says, "So I guess it's only contagious if you touch the direct infection site, so like kissing someone who has genital chlamydia, it wouldn't be contagious. . . Why?"
I nod and then shrug. "No reason. . . I just wondered."
"Hmm," is all she says and then goes back to her book.
Music plays off the twin's speaker as I dip my lower half into the cool pool water. I know my hot skin is screaming in relief. It feels good.
"What's taking Niyah so long?" I ask out loud. Cutting strawberries shouldn't take twenty minutes and that's how long she's been gone.
"I don't fuckin' know but I want those strawberries," Norah complains. "I should've gotten them myself."
"I have to go pee anyway," I say, wiping the wetness from my body with my beach towel. "I'll go see what's taking so long."
I don't see Niyah, nor her parents when I head in for the bathroom, which passes the kitchen where she would be cutting strawberries.
I stare at my reflection in the mirror for a moment and frown at my green eyes that project a darker color now. I've heard somewhere when you're sad, the color of your eyes can appear darker. I feel it. I'm also really tired from getting little to no sleep since Saturday.
I find myself checking my phone, anxiety rising as I do and I'm disappointed and hurt when I still have no text from either of the boys. I can't get over how fast everything happened.
Niyah's still not in the kitchen when I leave the bathroom, so I decide to check her room but when I'm standing outside the door, I hear her distressed voice behind it and I can't help but listen in, instead of interrupting because I'm not sure who she's talking to.
"I know," I hear her sigh quietly. "Because Taryn, it's not that easy for me, okay? My life—my fucking parents—"
With furrowed eyebrows, I decide to stop snooping and enter the room to see what's going on.
"Hey," I say upon entering the room.
"Have to go," she mutters quietly before hanging up the phone. She sits on the bed, knees folded to her chest and a displeased look on her face.
"Are you guys fighting?" I ask, confused and concerned.
"No, no. Just her break up with Peyton," Niyah shrugs but I'm not sure why she looks so distressed about it. She gets up from the bed and inhales deeply while pulling up her dark curly hair into a messy bun. "I still have to cut those strawberries."
"You okay?" I ask her before she can walk past me.
"Yeah, I'm fine," she says with a smile but it quickly disappears the moment she gets past me and out of her room. I frown to myself.
She might be a straightforward person but she's a hard one to crack open, especially when it comes to her feelings. And it's scary to keep pressing her about it, so I really try not to until she really feels the need to talk about it.
"When we gonna start our summer bucket list?" Niyah asks out loud when we're all back outside like everything's normal, despite feeling like there really is something going on with her.
-
I crack later that night when I'm watching a movie in bed. My mind has been reeling and I let myself shamefully text Nick.
are we going to talk about this?
I'm left on read for a couple of minutes, feeling my heart sink into my stomach before I finally get a text back.
nick
What's there to talk about? You made your decision
why do i get the feeling that you don't care once we had sex?
nick
Are you serious? Don't even accuse me of something like that right now
I do care. That's why I'm doing this
well... that could be a valid accusation considering the timing
nick
No just stop Lydia
why are you being so mean????
nick
Maybe ??? Because you picked him???
Go be with him
I've never had him act this way towards me before—so spiteful and nasty and it's very off putting. I regret ever texting him now, so I leave it at that because I know we'll get no where just saying hurtful things to one another. At this point, I assume we're just done. Officially.
There's nothing I can do now. He wants me to choose between him and Dylan and I can't do that, especially after what's happened. I don't have it in me to tell him what I've done now and I would feel like an awful person keeping something like that from him. I mean, I already feel like an awful person for even doing it.
I'm gutted, hurting inside as I bury my face into my pillow.
I wake around nine o'clock, realizing I had cried myself to sleep. I check my phone and see a text from Dylan.
DYL<3
i'm sorry
i don't want that to ruin our friendship
It mends the aching in my heart just a bit and I can't help the small smile that creeps onto my face as I text him back.
i know
don't be sorry
i miss you
I get a text back almost immediately, my heart racing.
DYL<3
i was really scared you weren't going to text me back
of course i'm gonna text you back
DYL<3
i don't want us to be weird towards one another
i know me either
DYL<3
can i come over
i miss you too
I gnaw at my lip, looking away from my phone. I hope things can feel normal. But fake it until you make it, I guess.
get over here
I'm suddenly anxious about us hanging out and I'm not exactly sure why. We've hung out for years but that was before we kissed--a proper kiss. I find myself fixing myself up because I know I'm a mess from my nap, hair crazy and eyes filled with sleep.
Twenty minutes later, I hear footsteps on the stairs and soon Dylan walks into my room. We smile at each other, almost like we can't help it. It's amusing and I know we both feel it.
He steps in front of me and pulls me to him into a comforting hug. I squeeze him tight against me. He smells good as I shove my face into his chest, feeling him set his chin on top of my head. It's relieving to say the least and I think we both feel it.
"Hi," I mumble, pulling back to look up at him. I reach for a random piece of fuzz in his hair and thrust it away.
"Hi," he says back with an amused smile still painted on his face.
"How are you?" I ask and walk back to my bed, feeling him follow me as the bed sinks down next to me. He gives me a grin.
"Oh you know. I've never been better." His tone is sarcastic and I let out a small chuckle.
"Yeah, same." I play with the material of the soft blanket underneath us.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" He surprises me by asking.
I bite at my lip again, shrugging. "Should we?"
"Are you going to tell Nick?" He gives me a guilty look and it makes me sad. I don't want him to feel bad. I haven't even told him about our breakup.
I shake my head. "I don't have it in me to. Um. . . we actually pretty much broke up anyhow."
"What?" His expression twists into shock and I nod with a sad smile, not wanting to tell him he's the reason why. "Why, Lyd? Are you okay? You should've texted me."
I shrug and shake my head. "I'll be fine after awhile."
He puts a hand on my mid thigh in a comforting manner, bending down slightly to get a better look at my face. "What happened?"
I let out a shaky sigh, feeling the overwhelming sadness rise inside again. "We couldn't see eye to eye about our platonic friendship." My explanation is short and I know he's bound to press me for more details.
"Ours? Yours and mine?" he asks and I nod. His shoulders slightly slump with his confused facial expression. "I thought me and Nick were cool. I mean, I guess I kind of felt like he was annoyed by our friendship at times but didn't really think it would affect you guys seriously."
I think back to how Nick said the way I am with Dylan is how I should be with him and I don't get it.
"Yeah, me too." I shrug, letting out a small scoff. "Doesn't matter anyway because I pretty much proved his point."
Mouth slightly parted and eyebrows narrowed in, he stares back at me, seeming speechless. "Lyd, I-? I don't even know what to say. I feel horrible."
The look on his face is genuine and it makes me sad. I intertwine my fingers with his slowly, shaking my head. "Don't. It's okay. I'll be okay."
"I don't want to be the reason for your breakup, Lydia. Genuinely, I don't. I didn't mean for the kiss to happen—it just—"
"Happened," I finish for him, squeezing his hand gently in mine. "I know, it's okay."
It goes quiet for a second and I'm thinking about that night again. It somehow felt like it was right out of a movie because he's right. We both didn't expect it. It literally just happened.
Boldly, I say, "It felt right. . . even though it was probably wrong."
His head had been faced down, watching our fingers fiddle nervously together but now he's looking up at me, blinking back at me. "The kiss?"
I nod, feeling my body heat up because I have no idea his feelings towards what happened. I never thought we would be in this situation. I admit, maybe sometimes I thought of what it would be like for Dylan and I to be nonplatonic but things between us would change in such an odd way. I don't know how I feel about it or how others would feel about it as well.
"I know," he agrees and I feel butterflies and a relieving feeling arise. "It didn't even feel weird like—yeah, I don't know."
I would be lying if I said I didn't want to have another go but I don't want to complicate things further and I think I should let myself come to terms with Nick and I's breakup before I do anything else.
I can feel the hot tension stirring in the air again so I'm quick to change the subject for now.
"How are things back home?"
"They're tense," he tells me and I nod, expecting that answer. "Mom brought up a summer vacation with him."
"And? How do you feel about that?"
He looks at me for a second and chuckles out loud, shaking his head. "Jesus, you sound like you're my therapist."
I let out a laugh myself. "Must get it from mom. . . Hey, at least it's free."
"That is true," he says with a small smile, looking down at our hands. They've both become clammy but neither of us has pulled away to wipe them. "But I mean, yeah realistically, I wasn't really opposed to it since his circumstances, you know?"
"Absolutely, and that's okay. . . I think it's okay to want to spend time with him, Dyl, especially since he's apologized and wants to put in effort to showing you guys he means it."
"Yeah, Lyd but it's hard to believe it's sincere and genuine because of his circumstances?"
"No, yeah that's fair. . . You're right to have that concern."
He sighs, gnawing on his lip in thought.
"Where was she thinking of going?" I ask. I can't imagine how a trip with the three would go.
"I think the beach. Maybe Florida. Mom says she has a friend who owns a place there and will let us stay for free," he says with lazy shrug. "Told them I'm only going if you go."
I chuckle in disbelief but realize he's being serious. "Really?"
"Yeah, of course. I know it's not the vacation we wanted but it's something—"
I shake my head. "I don't wanna intrude on your guy's family vacation."
"I knew you would say that." He rolls his eyes in a light hearted manner. "You're never intruding. You're my emotional support."
"Your emotional support pet, huh?"
"Something like that." He smiles amusedly at me and I can't ignore the overwhelming realization of how cute he truly is. The way the skin by his eyes crinkle at the sides and how his golden brown eyes shine with genuine.
It makes me feel all light and tingly inside.
And I don't know what's happening.