Convincing my mother to leave Axel alone had proved an arduous and infuriating task. We'd spent twenty minutes exchanging heated whispers outside my room while Axel borrowed our shower. I'd tried to thank her for the fruit and crackers she'd brought, but accidentally ended up offending her instead. To make matters worse, she had about a million questions about who Axel was and where he had come from, and I was not equipped to deal with those just then.
When we parted ways that night, my mother promised I had not heard the last of her, and as I watched her close her bedroom door behind her, the magnitude of the situation caught up with me. Axel was in my shower (protecting his battered hands with my mom's plastic gloves), and would soon be sleeping in my room. I spent the next fifteen minutes rearranging the room in an attempt to make it presentable, but nothing I did helped. I was antsy and my thoughts traveled a mile a minute.
How the heck did I deal with this? Sure, I'd spent the night at Axel's before. It wasn't that big a deal. Thing was, we hadn't slept in the same room then.
Half an hour later, the clock edged closer to 1 am, and Axel was in bed next to me.
Now, it had never actually been my plan for us to end up this way. In fact, our portable bed was all made up next to my own bed, squeezed between my wardrobe and the window, but no boy inhabited it. The simple reason for this was that I knew the thing to be scrawny and hazardous, and wanted to neither sleep in it myself or subject Axel to its horrors. The damned thing had closed itself around Seth last year and traumatized him for life, but my mom refused to buy a new one no matter how graphically we recounted the event. When Seth slept over nowadays, we shared the bed, so naturally, Axel would too.
I was beginning to regret that decision. I'd spent a good amount of time with Axel over the last two months. I'd seen him in different situations, experienced new sides to him, and all around gotten to know him better. One might even describe us as friends if one felt inclined to do so. Yet, even though Seth and I always shared my bigger-than-average bed, it felt different now, with Axel. I was acutely aware of the sound of his breath going in and out, and the way my sheets rustled with every move he made.
I was facing away from him and trying very hard not to think about all this when he spoke up.
"I had a brother."
Axel's voice was a faint and elusive thing, something so intangible it whisked away my previous thoughts and concerns with its arrival. Turning around, sheets moving around me, I watched the lump that was Axel underneath the covers. Were we going to talk about things after all?
"What happened?" I asked, fearing every syllable. I rarely felt like I was walking on eggshells around Axel anymore. Even tonight, even when he was trembling and surrounded by shattered glass and belongings, I hadn't been afraid of misstepping. I did now.
Axel stayed silent for a while, still as stone under my blanket. I could see the faint outline of his body, a tuft of black hair peeking out near the pillow, and his bandaged hand by his side.
"Dead," Axel said at last. "Two years ago today."
I stilled.
"I'm sorry."
"I don't... deal well with this day," he continued, speaking as if it was hard work. "It's been two years and I still..." His shoulders tensed underneath the covers. "I see him everywhere."
I sat up and faced him, blanket falling off of me. The room had grown dim with October darkness, and there was a low humming sound coming from my PS4. It would have been a perfectly normal night if it weren't for the other boy in my bed.
"I think that's normal," I ventured to say, biting my lip. I didn't have much of a track record with consoling people. My limited experiences were that I was bad at it. "You say it like two years is a long time, but it's not."
"Yeah."
"I don't know what happened, or how you feel, but I know if I lost my brother I'd..." I stopped, words running out.
Losing Eric was something I couldn't even imagine. That steady, taunting presence that was my older brother, imagining that he could disappear and be gone forever... A lump rose in my throat. Shit. I'd probably react like Axel.
I was taken back to his lonely apartment and the chaotic state we had left it in. I pictured the shattered living room windows, the broken cups on the floor, and how his cell phone had been smashed into a million micro pieces. How lonely it had felt. Just like that phone conversation, all those weeks ago, and the quiet apology Axel had whispered against the glass.
I scooted closer and put my hand on his shoulder.
"I know you're not one to vent, and trust me, neither am I, but you can talk to me if you want." I licked my lips, mentally scrambling for the right words. "I'm kind of useless with this stuff, and I probably won't be much of a comfort, but... When shit hurts, you gotta let it out."
The covers rustled around him, and soon enough, Axel's tired face stared up at me. His eyes were bloodshot, but there was something else glinting in them as well. Slowly sitting up, he faced me in all his bruised, vulnerable glory. My heart chose that moment to do a sudden sprint.
"Thank you," he said. A gentle smile tugged at his lips, erasing some of that tiredness.
"Consider yourself warned," I muttered. "I've told you I'm useless, so don't go thinking I'll be your personal Dr. Phil now."
Every cell in my body screamed for me to dispel that weird, intimate mood that had risen between us. The way we were sitting, the way the moon peeked through the window, it all contributed to my rapidly beating heart. I had to stay cool. Had to meet his eyes without flinching. I suddenly felt like I was the vulnerable one.
Axel's smile widened, and before I knew it I saw teeth. For the first time since we'd met, I witnessed a genuine, open-mouthed smile. The sight of it rendered me completely and utterly useless. All I could do was sit very still as Axel raised his hand and ruffled my hair. His bandaged fingers felt surprisingly pleasant against my scalp.
"You're something else," he said, hand on the crown of my head. "I'm glad we ended up as partners."
"Oy, I'm not a dog." I swatted his hand away, cheeks reddening.
"You're right, you're more like a rabbit."
"A what?! Do you want to die?" Crawling over, I gave Axel a solid push to the chest. He didn't budge an inch.
"A little rabbit," he said instead, laughter rising in his throat. "A brown, soft one..."
"Alright, that's it, I take it all back... Don't ever talk to me again."
Axel's laughter spilled out of him, and I would never admit to anyone how much I liked hearing it.
The moon continued watching over us as we settled in and fell asleep. The night moved around us and the clock ticked for every second that brought us closer to morning. As night dipped into dawn, I fumbled for my phone and turned off my alarm. Monday involved media ethics, Mr. White's inquiries, and Seth's endless questions about Lily. I decided there and then to leave those things for another day.
Waking up for the second time that day was an interesting experience. I was buried underneath my blanket, currently very warm and uncomfortable, and was sandwiched between Axel's back and the edge of my bed. I was numbers away from tumbling to the floor.
"'Oy, stop hogging the bed," I murmured, bumping my shoulder against Axel's. A soft hum was all I received in response.
Sitting upright, I considered my room and the world as a whole. October 15th felt kinder than its predecessor. The sun provided a soft glow to my room, and its position in the sky told me that we were way past lunch hour at school. Seth had probably texted me fifteen times already.
"Axel," I said, giving his back another nudge. "Get up. We gotta contact your parents about the apartment."
"Nnn," was his eloquent response.
"I'm serious. Your folks must be worried sick."
"It's okay."
"How is it okay? You trashed your apartment, broke your phone, and then ran off and slept in someone else's bed. If it were me, my mom would have reported me missing twelve hours ago."
Axel rolled over, finally giving me more space to inhabit. He considered me through hooded eyes, and a few locks of his hair seemed to be tickling him.
"It's okay," he repeated, as if saying the same thing over and over would somehow make it less stupid. "Things'll be back to normal when I go home."
"What do you mean?"
"My dad..." He bit his lip, frowning. "I told you he's not a fan of messy things, right?"
The memory of Axel's father and his disapproving look was still fresh in my mind. I nodded.
"He'll take care of it."
I flopped back onto the bed, lying on my side so I faced Axel. "This is not normal, you know that, right?"
"Yes."